“You are perfect for me”

by Dating Goddess on August 29, 2009

I was seduced by these words. They went straight to my heart. Even though the local man’s actions rarely paralleled this sentiment. Even though much of the time I wondered why he didn’t bother to set a time to get together while his text and phone messages talked about how much he missed me and cared about me.
Why was I taken in by words that weren’t backed by consistent action? Part of me longed to believe them. And frequently when we were together, I felt his actions proved his words. But we saw each other maybe a day out of every 10 — 10% of the time.

When we were together he would look me in the eye while holding me close and say these words clearly — and I felt, sincerely. I so wanted them to be true.

And I was not without fault. I would say them back to him even though I was often frustrated — sometimes even angered — by his lack of initiative to see me and his sometimes disrespectful behavior. My logical mind knew he was far from perfect for me. But my heart was taken in by his words — coupled with my desire to believe them. When I said them back to him, at that moment I believed them.

Now I’ve learned to be more skeptical. The words are heart melting when you hear them. But you have to make sure they are backed by consistent, congruent behavior that shows he feels you are perfect for him. Otherwise they are just air.

Of course, part of you knows the words are expressing happiness with the other, knowing perfection in a relationship is rare. But you don’t listen to that voice. You only listen with the ear of romance, wanting to believe you can be perfect for someone, even if you know he is not really perfect for you. And truthfully, you don’t really believe you are perfect for him as you don’t see the actions that reinforce that.

What words have you learned not to trust when not backed by congruent behaviors? (“I love you,” “I adore you,” “I’d never hurt you” come to mind.) What have you uttered that your mind knew wasn’t true, but your heart felt was true at the moment?
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Real Deal or Faux BeauWant to understand other ways to know if he’s being sincere? Read Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Mitsy August 29, 2009 at 10:06 pm

There have been a number of things said over the past several years that didn’t fit the actions or inactions of the guy I was dating. Most generally, I don’t expect any guy would say that I was perfect for him and I doubt that there is a guy perfect for me no matter how good they come across in the beginning. If I go on a first date with a guy who talks about future dates with me, then I used to always assume that that meant there would be future dates ahead. Otherwise, why bother to lie about stuff like that? It doesn’t even make good filler conversation if they aren’t interested in a second date. But, that has happened to me several times where the guy was a lot of “talk” about going places or doing things that never materialized, even if we did continue to go out.

It sounds good to talk about going to the amusement park but never setting a time to do so seems half-witted at best and if they don’t follow through with it (as we talked about on another topic), then they basically lied. It’s all a form of being led on to my mind, no matter what they say or how they say it. If they don’t follow through with their intentions, then whatever words they say don’t mean much at all.

My last guy turned out to be a raging alcoholic who claimed he was going to get off the booze. A lot of talk and a lot of broken promises. None of it ever happened. He always went back to drinking. Needless to say, I’m not with him anymore. A man’s word should mean something and many times it doesn’t mean a thing. If you see major character flaws, realize that that is the way they are and they are not likely to change – regardless of what they tell you.

maria rose August 30, 2009 at 1:20 pm

like said before a man’s word should mean something not just a breeze n the air i have been promised so many things that have never appeared that i view these kinds with a jaded ear . So Listen Up Men if you are listening Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Seilidhe August 30, 2009 at 2:39 pm

“The first time I saw your smile, I knew I’d do anything for you!” Three weeks later he stopped talking to me for no discernible reason. No phone call, no text, no email. Nothing. I wanted to believe, and so I let myself do so. But… Ah well… live and learn. Eventually. Maybe.

Paula August 31, 2009 at 4:37 am

Heard of a saying once -whether you love someone matters only to you, and not anyone else. Its how you treat people you love that matters.
I am suspicious of any proclamation that is over the top. If you are telling someone that you cant live without them, you are lying. If you are telling them that you miss them all the time, you’re just lonely!

Liz August 31, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Well, I don’t think I’ve ever had words like that said to me by someone I was dating or loved, but I have had guys tell me things before who were trying to date me. Like the other day I was out with a friend whom I have known for at least 6 years. He thinks he’s only known me for 4, and said he has always had a crush on me. After we parted ways that night, he asked when I was available next, so I told him. And he said to call him sooner than that and said He likes being with me and I’m awesome. But there are no actions to back that up. I think if he was interested in dating me now, there would be an effort by him and not my calls to be made to him only. Not a great way for him to try to start Love with me. We’ll see though, but unfortunately for him, he doesn’t know my dilemma and that I’m only interested in being his friend. Sorry!

Anna September 1, 2009 at 10:32 am

The infamous “I’ll call you”. Honestly guys, be a man and thank the Lady for a nice evening and cut the BS. Both know you do not mean it. If you wanted to see her (aka me) again you would be making the date NOW. Last Friday I said it…..when my date said “I’ll call you” as we had a quick hug good night, I returned cheefully “No you won’t, why dont we both act like adults, thank each other for a nice evening and say Ciao”. I couldnt believe I had finally the guts to say it. It was a good, pleasant date. But no chemistry on either side. Fact. And the reaction to my statement?? “No, really I WILL call you”. Yeah right. Any man that is interested, will be booking the next date before you leave him, or choosing the night at the very least. The casual “I’ll call you” is so cowardly. The men that I have had good relationships with, always asked me then and there about when I would be free, what night etc, with eagerness and determination. And no…….of course he didn’t call me. Duh :)

Mark September 1, 2009 at 11:17 am

Anna, I don’t always like to try to book the next date on a first date, because the woman may not be interested and it puts her on the spot. If I am interested I will say something like, “I want to see you again. I’ll email you.” And I never fail to email the woman.

I’ve had a lot of first meetings, coffee dates, and all but three resulted in no interest on my part (I’m picky, I guess). I have never failed to email the lady in question after each meeting. It’s rude not to. At first it was a bit hard to send out a rejection email, but I’m used to it now. It’s internet dating — we all get used to a lot of failures.

Mitsy September 1, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Anna, I admire you greatly. You had the guts to say what you meant and the man didn’t have the guts to not lie. At the very least, if he called you, he wouldn’t have been the liar he turned out to be.

And Mark, I disagree that asking for a second date puts the woman on the spot. If you are interested in her, chances are good she’s interested back. Nearly always if a guy did not set something up on that one date, there was no second date. Most generally that is the way it’s done and trust me, while you might get used to sending out rejection emails, that isn’t especially something to be bragging about. Honesty is one thing but rejection emails? They aren’t applying for a job.

Samantha September 1, 2009 at 6:58 pm

Ug. A lot of bitterness and hard edges here. I have done internet dating off and on over a 10 year span. I would give it a total of at least 4 years solid of trying during the 10 years.. may be 5. Not keeping track. I have a lot of experience met a lot, lots of different situations. Each man is different. Some will definately let me know on that first date, while some wait a day or two for the next inquiry. And the rest will send a rejection note the next day, usually. One man was such a gentlemen that he told me he did not want to put me on the spot on the first date by asking right then even though he wanted to see me again. Is there any way you can consider that while online dating is like finding a needle in a haystack, it’s also not a bad idea to keep your heart and eyes open and not assume all men are a bunch of liars and losers. I’m sure the underlying attitude is coming across to the guy. It takes two to tango!

On the other side of the coin.. and my other unsolicited advice and take on things is to keep an emotional distance in the beginning. Don’t be too open and taken in by what a man might say in the beginning. I’ve had a lot of wonderful intriuging things said to me in the ‘getting to know you’ stage that meant nothing other than what he thought at that moment. The interest can be switched on and off like a lightswitch at that point while he’s getting to know you. It could be caused my anything – even something I might say to turn him off. Or he might realize he really doesnt want a relationship. Who the heck knows sometimes.

I have learned that while I might have a better handle on how to play relationship, how to play nice, what should and shouldn’t happen ideally, it’s easy to come across as a bossy bitter shrew to a guy if one gets too caught up in that thinking. I am trying to learn to put that aside at times and understand what makes him tick and relate to him on his level.

Gatti September 2, 2009 at 1:40 am

The situation that always unsettled me was the guy who was totally in love on or after the first date and said things like the “You’re perfect for me” line. I have a lot of facets to my personality and one of the things I’m good at is fitting into a variety of social situations, from high to low. Just because I’m comfortable in a dive bar, a fancy restaurant, an ethnic festival, the ballet… doesn’t mean that I’m perfect for someone who is comfortable with one of those places.
Fortunately I got lucky and met a man who is also at home just about anywhere and we both knew, on the first date even!, that we actually are perfect for each other.
Love is more than falling for a smile, isn’t it?

Mitsy September 2, 2009 at 7:29 am

You can call it “hard edges” if you want, but quite honestly men usually get a pass when they are poster boys for bad behavior. And why? Because women let them off the hook too easily. True, not every date is going to be a match, but spineless men who play games don’t do much for the rest of us. Some of us are kind of tired of the b.s. and we found a lot of it in online dating. Maybe if a guy is left with no one at some point, he will re-think how he treats the women he meets. But most of them I encountered were pretty selfish & immature and if that didn’t come out in the beginning, it came out after they were in the relationship. Most do not want to make the effort and after a while women get tired of making any effort to keep things going. For some strange reason, that bites big time for many of us.

Anna September 2, 2009 at 8:26 am

I am definitely not the bitter bossy shrew type although I do admit to some cynicism when an educated, professional and chronologically mature man cannot find the words to thank me for an evening and not slip out the “I’ll call you”. He would not even have to say that, just say it was lovely to meet you etc. and I will get the message when he doesn’t ask to meet me again. That’s what I always say……just because there was no chemistry does not mean I have to lead the guy on. I thank him for a lovely evening (which mostly is true because I like getting to meet new people). And if he does ask me out again, but I am not keen, I will look the guy in the eyes and explain kindly that I really think we would not have a lot in common. And HE gets that. Maturity. And I agree with Mitsy, rejection emails are also immature if you have actually gone out on a date. At the very least a phone call to explain that it’s not a good idea to see each other again. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, appreciates honesty even if it stings a little. We will get over it. :)

Mark September 2, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Hmmm…I thought it was nice to send an email saying you didn’t want to pursue anything. You really think it’s better at the end of that first meeting to let the woman know you have no interest?

I don’t really know if I consider a first meeting a date, per se. Internet dating is odd in that you get to know someone before you have any idea if the chemistry is there. That first meeting, typically meeting for coffee, is to see if there is interest in an actual date.

It’s so different from traditional dating where there’s usually some chemistry present by the time the man asks the woman out. If the woman says yes, she probably feels it too, so you’re already over that hurdle. I have to say I prefer this method of meeting someone, but it’s much harder to meet people this way so I resort to the online stuff.

Lilybeth September 2, 2009 at 6:58 pm

Lots of sweet talks from men I experienced, too but never believed a single thing they uttered. I always told my kids that action always speaks louder than words but then again it is always nicer to hear those adorable words. Make you feel special, somehow and longed in your heart that the speaker meant well.

Gatti September 4, 2009 at 12:30 am

I’ve had the experience where really emotionally needy guys have glommed onto me and thought I was perfect for them just because I’m interesting and kind. And when you know they really don’t know you and that you see that they are not “perfect” for you, it’s uncomfortable to peel them off you and make it clear that you are NOT their dreamgirl (or rather, they’re not your dream man…).

*Juliette* September 4, 2009 at 6:17 am

I’ve had many men tell me they want to make me feel as special as I am. I used to hope it was true so I gave them many more chances to do that than they deserved. Now after 49 dates, I have learned to trust a man’s actions instead of his words.

Ann Marie September 4, 2009 at 11:06 am

Maybe we all need to step back sometimes from the first date to decide. While having had first dates that I knew there was no chemistry for a second to occur, I also know that the man might not see it the same way. I appreciate a man giving me a day or two to think over getting to know them and I am willing to give them the same courtesy. Mark, you are fine.
In regard to being ‘perfect’ for someone; that is a tall order. Like other responses, we are all too complex to be perfect and it doesn’t seem likely that we could make that determination before or during a first date. Maybe not by the 1,000th date or ever. It seems that being open to the unique qualities of the other person along with the chemistry one feels could be what that the “you are perfect for me” statement means. Notably, saying that “you are perfect for me” doesn’t give any value to what is “perfect” for the other person, or even give any concern to that kind of thinking.

Dating Goddess September 4, 2009 at 9:11 pm

It seems some have interpreted my posting as the man said I was perfect for him on the first date. No, it began after we were dating about a month into a 5-month run. He repeated it regularly until he broke up with me via text in month 5. So when he began this particular sweet talk, he knew me some, but since he broke up with me in month 5, clearly he didn’t know me well enough to determine that I was truly perfect for him.

As many of the comments reinforce, it’s important to make sure actions reinforce sweet talk — no matter how dear the words are to your ears.

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