Would you date a man with no libido?

by Dating Goddess on January 26, 2014

A pal shared a story of his best friend, Mel, who had some recent health challenges which resulted in him having zero libido. Not just during the treatment of his health problem, but afterward. Prior to this circumstance, Mel’s sex drive had been high. He’s been married to his current wife for about 10 years so she knew him during the high-lust years.

I barely know Mel and have never met his wife, and my pal had no word on what Mel’s wife felt about this change in their relationship.

It made me wonder what midlife women would think about dating a no- or low-libido guy. Some women have shared that they would consider that a perfect scenario, as long as the man was affectionate and attentive. These women say they aren’t really interested in sex anymore, but if they found a suitable man who wanted more than companionship, they’d comply. They just wouldn’t be very enthusiastic about it.

People have different sexual needs. Some have high needs, even in midlife. Others have very low needs. This is often a challenge in relationships no matter how old the players — one would like sex more often than the other. Which can cause tension at the least, and often breakups. When I talk to men during the getting-to-know-you stage of dating, they often share that the primary reason they divorced was because their wives weren’t interested in a physical relationship anymore.

Mel, I was told, said that having no sex drive was actually a blessing to him. He said that prior to his current condition, he had no awareness of how much of his mental capacity was taken up thinking about sex. When he met a woman, — even when he was happily married — he’d assess if he wanted to have sex with her. He never acted on this with anyone besides his wife, but he thought about it. Or he’d think about what he needed to do to get his wife to have sex with him that night. Or he’d fantasize about different sex acts.

Now, Mel was much more present to other things that give him pleasure. Corny things, like a beautiful sunrise, the scent of his wife’s hair, the warm sun on his face. He says he’s now more creative and more thoughtful — especially with his wife, as he’s not making his acts of kindness manipulative to get sex. They are because he wants to make her happy.

If you’ve dated a man (or are a man) with low or no sexual appetite, tell us the pros and cons. Or share if you’d go out with a man long-term who you knew had low libido.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Marie February 5, 2014 at 2:19 pm

For me, one of the most difficult things about dating and not being in a relationship is the fact that I do want sex. I miss it. So a guy with no or low libido would be a terrible match for me. I don’t think I’m alone. I think for many of us women in middle age, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship.

Heather May 21, 2014 at 7:10 pm

This is an older post, so maybe nobody is listening anymore, but the subject is interesting. I dated a guy I met online for a while. Before we had sex he told me that he had a low libido, and sometimes had erectile dysfunction. I was a bit disappointed, as I had been single a while and sex in the last few years of my marriage was not that great. I was ready for sex. However, when dating guys over 50 I supposed I had to expect it some time. I felt powerful when I managed to get him past his problem, but he felt anxious at my greater libido (twice a week would have suited him). Eventually, it undermined the relationship. I think the partner with the greater libido would have to be very self-confident and try not to see it as rejection if it was going to work

Richard May 28, 2014 at 2:31 pm

“they often share that the primary reason they divorced was because their wives weren’t interested in a physical relationship anymore.” – I think that answers your question about the potential for a successful LTR.

“I think the partner with the greater libido would have to be very self-confident and try not to see it as rejection if it was going to work” – I think guys are used to having a higher sex drive and getting rejected by their significant other.

When I was young, I read somewhere that it is not a difference in sex drive that causes the problem, it is a difference in the importance of sex in the relationship. I think it is only partially true. If both persons place a high importance on sex, then they can work out a limited amount of difference. If the gulf is too wide, I wonder if the gap can be bridged. I read about a culture where women accept that keeping the man happy is one way to protect the relationship. I just don’t see people in the USA as willing to meet their partner’s needs as they are willing to do the dishes.

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