Where are the men like us?

by Dating Goddess on January 15, 2010

My 55-year-old successful gal pal was recounting her 5-year dating experience. She bemoaned her encounters with men who were not comparable economically or emotionally. It is a common lament for successful midlife women. The wail is, “Where are the men like us?”

We shared our various successes and frustrations with finding available men organically and online dating. We agreed it was pretty easy to get a date with someone online.

The challenge is to get a date with someone with whom we want a second date and who feels the same. Most often, neither of you wants a second date. Sometimes you wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but he doesn’t feel the same. Or he’d like to see you again, but you’re clear there’s no appeal for you.

My friend said she’d begun to explore It’s Just Lunch and Dinner for Six, but wasn’t willing to pay $5000 for 10 dates — $500/date seemed extreme. When she queried the sales rep for one of these on how many over-50 men were enrolled in her area, the rep wouldn’t say. She was told there were 200 local men members, and she did the math. If 100 of them were over 50, how many of them might be a reasonable match? She decided she wasn’t willing to pay such a large fee for the miniscule chance one of these 100 men would be compatible with her.

She’s tried hanging out in upscale bars and had men approach her. But none resulted in a date.

Dating her clients isn’t a possibility. She can try to date friends of friends and find possible dates through chance encounters doing errands or hobbies. She was considering attending over-50 singles events, but she’s shy so would feel more comfortable doing this with a pal. She’ll also try taking classes that may draw men at her level, and attending some more professional events.

I’m told educated, accomplished women of all ages face this situation. If a man is as well educated or accomplished as she is, he has other deal breakers. Are we pickier than other women? Perhaps. We don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t meet basic standards. Yes, there are plenty of good men who may not make as much money as an accomplished woman, or who may not be as educated. For some women, that’s not a problem. But for some, it is.

How have you met available men of equal station in life as you? How have you dealt with a wide disparity between your accomplishments and men you’ve dated? If it hasn’t been a problem, how did you make peace with the differences?

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