When certainty is a bad thing in dating

by Dating Goddess on May 10, 2015

Both genders say confidence is one of the most appealing attributes in a sweetie.

However, there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance. Certainty is part of both. Here’s an example of when certainty turned unappealing.

Mr. R had been calling and texting for a few weeks as he was making arrangements for a flight to meet me. He was so certain I was “the one” — without yet meeting me, he’d deleted his profile from the dating site.

In one of our calls, I’d mentioned a friend was coming from out of town for a big birthday party we were throwing for me that weekend (4 days before my actual birthday) so he and I wouldn’t be able to talk when she was at my home.

He kiddingly said he wasn’t happy about this banishment.

During her 3-day stay I didn’t hear a peep from him. A few more days passed, including my real birthday, with nothing. On the day after my birthday, I texted, “Happy day after my birthday.” I didn’t mean to chide him — I thought I was being funny.

His reply: “My crystal ball broke so it didn’t tell me of your bday.”

My response: “I thought I’d shared that was why my friend flew in and we were having a big party on Sat. Maybe that got lost in our conversations.”

Him: “It was not lost; it was never mentioned.”

I did not respond. I decided that I had no room in my life for someone who was adamant about a communication. No one has a perfect memory. There was no space for, “Wow. I don’t have any memory of that. I would have thought I’d remember something important like that.” So hint that he could be wrong — it was me who was wrong, he was sure.

I have not heard from him since and it’s been 2 weeks, which is fine by me. I don’t want to be with someone with this low of social skills.

Have you ever dated someone who’s certainty was off-putting? If so, tell us about it.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Ayush Sharma May 11, 2015 at 3:45 am

Many people to need understand the fact line between arrogance and confidence.
“I will do it” confidence.
“I am the only one who will be able to do it” Arrogance.
Confidence is passion filled, arrogance is just plain annoying.

Lisa May 11, 2015 at 5:11 am

This guy sounds very sarcastic and controlling.

Personally, I think the fact that he had already deleted his profile before he even met you is a huge red flag. It has been my experience that nearly 100% of the time, when a guy seems SOOOOO into me before he has even met me, that there is almost a 100% chance I will never hear from him again after we meet–if it even gets to that point.

It’s one thing to be eager and optimistic and hopeful when meeting up with someone new, but it’s pretty off putting, to me anymore at least, when the guy is soooo into me before he has even met me because, as I already mentioned, it almost invariably leads to the vanishing act, so why even waste your time? Words mean nothing until you meet in person.

Dating Goddess May 11, 2015 at 6:07 am


We are on the same page!

When I expressed my surprise at his deleting his profile before meeting, he said he had all the info he needed to know I was a keeper. I said I had found that I needed to see how I felt in the person’s presence to inform my decision. Does he look me in the eye, ogle other women, be rude to the wait staff, walk 10 paces in front of me?

He seemed incredulous that there could be other information upon meeting that would be important. And this guy is an attorney, so not a dolt!

Oh well. Next!

Lisa May 13, 2015 at 5:42 am

It is amazing to me that some men, and I am sure women, can reach mid life and still be so clueless about fundamental human behavior! I would have been tempted to write the guy off after his making such a comment because the more I have encountered men like that–the ones that are soooo unrealisitcally into you before even meeting–the more I know what the end result will be–POOF. And, really, good riddance because these men are clueless and desperately lost in their fantasy of some kind of perfection. I have no idea why this type of man seems so common. It is almost all that I have encountered lately when I have done the on line thing, so I have given it up. It seems it is either men like this or the “one worders”–the men who just write “hi” and think (?) you should reply?? Really????? Too many words or no words. Sigh.

Confidence to me is being aware of and humble about your strengths while being able to articulate and be accepting of your weaknesses.

Wolf Krammel June 3, 2015 at 12:49 am

You most certainly should avoid dating a guy whenever you sense a bit of arrogance in his talks. While confidence can definitely work in a relationship, arrogance can make a relationship disastrous. When you are dating a person its always best to watch out for his behavior and way of expressing himself.

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