Wanted: A man with a plan

by Dating Goddess on June 17, 2009

In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey says if a man doesn’t have a plan you should not fall for him.

A “plan” means a vision for his future and how he will get there. That plan needs to include a woman in it. I’ve been surprised that some men have a plan for themselves, but it doesn’t seem to include a woman. For example, a wealthy man I dated several times had already planned his retirement by buying a small, 2-bedroom condo hundreds of miles away to which he will move when he retires in a few years. He remodeled and furnished it how he likes it.

I admired that he was so proactive and had a clear plan. But what would he do about integrating a woman into this plan? I envisioned that if it worked out between us I’d have to buy the condo next door for me and my stuff! Or sell all my belongings, I guess. In our many hours of phone conversations, there was never any mention of, “This is my plan if I’m alone. If and when I am partnered again, we’d figure out a new plan together.”

At the other end of the spectrum are the men (yes, more than one) who have fully integrated me into their lives — often before even meeting me. They have pictured me moving into their home and accompanying them through the lives they’ve  established. I even had one ask if I’d take his last name after we were married! It always astonished me that these men wanted me to slide into their lives and activities without any mention of how they would integrate into my life. It was as if they were acquiring a new pet.

All in all, though, I appreciate a man with a plan for his life — one that includes the possibility of a woman helping to determine some parts of that future together. It is important to know if a man’s plan is to retire to some remote area to fish and watch sports. That holds no interest for me, so no matter how much I like him, if that is all he envisions, he’s not the one for me.

Of course, it’s important for you to have a vision and plan for your future, otherwise you could be swept up in whatever plan your man had for himself, and that may or may not make you happy. Some women without a plan awaken after a few years to discover they are unhappy with their life because they didn’t give much thought to their own plan.

The man’s plan has to include how he plans to court you, if he decides he wants you. He can’t just be “kickin'” with you, unless that’s what you want, too. If you want someone to build a future with in a committed relationship, you could “kick” with him for years then find out he has no interest in being committed to anyone. So best to find out his plans about his life and relationships near the beginning.

A man has come back into my life after a year abroad. He admitted to me that while he has dreams, he takes one day at a time. Unfortunately, that means he isn’t taking the steps needed to make his dreams become reality. Because of this lackadaisical attitude, I have no long-term interest in him.

How do you feel about a man with vs. without a plan? Would you date someone for long who didn’t have a plan for his life and how you might fit in it?

In Search of King CharmingWhat are you looking for in a man? In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? will help you determine what you want.

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