Here’s a devil’s-advocate question: Wouldn’t you have a pretty good idea about the other person’s ability to enjoy sex, if you have simply been dating for some time and had honest and open conversations about it? Can’t you tell if they are going to be a stick-in-the-mud, or close-minded? Conversely, based on their obvious enjoyment of whatever level of physical intimacy you’ve had, short of intercourse, wouldn’t that be a fairly reliable indicator of their ‘passion quotient’? Don’t people give off clues?

And, Mark, regarding your observation of “it excites me to see my partner excited” — I wonder if that is a universal phenomenon. I will have to ask my girlfriends or hope some other women might post here, but it seems that that would (or should) be a turn-on to any sexually healthy person.

Thanks for your insights. Richard, sorry you had nothing but vanilla. Bummer.

I do think people can learn, and just being with someone new is a learning process. I was married for 24 years and faithful that entire time. Since then I’ve dated the last few years and I’ve had three different sex partners now during those three years. I’ve learned from each of those women just by being with them.

I will tell you this much: Nothing is more exciting to me than seeing the woman I’m with really enjoying sex with me. It makes sense in a way — the man is typically taking on a more active role and the woman is more passive, so we men like to see evidence that what we’re doing is working.

Sometimes one of you doesn’t want to do what the other wants — you (or he) finds it distasteful or uncomfortable. And if what the other wants is a requirement (not a nice-to-have), that is a deal breaker.

We discuss some of this in From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed – you might want to download your copy with the link on the left.

I would be one of those men who would drop you once I found out your strance. It’s not about my need for sex. It’s about my need to know if the woman and I can have decent sex together.

I’m in my early 50s and have chosen to reserve sex for marriage. This presents a challenge in dating, as most guys (fueled by testosterone) are surprised by my perspective. What I have found most efficacious is to let them know up front, early on, that this is my choice and allow them to choose whether to pursue the friendship. It’s awkward, but less awkward than getting into a delicate situation requiring tact and finesse to get out of later. If we have met online and are emailing, it’s not uncommon for them to disappear quite immediately. That’s okay; better to know what they are looking for or hoping for, and weed out the ones who want a sexual relationship. Often I can tell by the nature of the initial questions, even if they are canned questions; they are all about affection and romance and dream dates. Mine start out with books, travel, and hobbies. Again, a testosterone-fueled difference…

Viva la difference!

Also, viagra has nothing to do with augmenting desire. Taking it will not make a man amorous unless he’s ready to be in the mood for sex.

So yeah, your former guy was attaching a stigma to it he didn’t need to attach.

The first guy was diabetic, overweight and had severe erectile dysfunction. This was the same guy who told me he was “too young” for Viagra. Yeah, whatever. The last guy who I did love a lot was also the boozer who wasn’t fit to sleep with half the time. I oftentimes hoped for some loving after a date (or even when I just went over to spend time w/him) and more times than not, he wound up being drunk and argumentative which did NOT make me want to sleep w/him. I regret the time I put into that relationship because his alcoholism/drama drug me down badly. Al-Anon helped me gain my life back.

However, I hope my next guy (if there is one) will be somewhat “normal” about sex and relationships. There is give & take and what should be a 50-50 partnership oftentimes winds up as a 90-10 partnership. I’ve been on the short end too many times, so for now, I’m content with no one.

My experience is that the woman typically lets me know she’s interested. I have never pushed for that initial sex.

Honestly, if I date a woman more than a few times, we almost always have sex by the third or fourth date. She usually makes it happen. And like you say, Karen, why wait?

Uh, usually I just smile and lead them on some more? Because getting a man’s “sexual interest” is usually one of the main reasons I’m dating!

If the question is about a guy who keeps pushing and trying to go past your clearly-set boundaries: well the answer to that is also pretty obvious. Anyone who can’t understand or respect your boundaries is trouble, time to dump him!

Personally, I don’t believe in dating exclusively and seriously for a long while without having sex. I’m 48 years old and not exactly inexperienced, and I think sex adds a great deal to a relationship. Also, it’s hard to imagine being serious about anyone without taking into account knowing their sexual style, compatibility etc.

“How do you manage it if … someone you’re dating … is always expressing their sexual interest to you?”

In a dating relationship, the sexual interest would be “inappropriate” when it goes beyond her comfort zone. In a marriage relationship, sexual advances should be welcomed by each other. Sex in a marriage is allowed and encouraged by society. It is the “unnatural” limitation in a dating context that creates the problem. Best to avoid the problem by not introducing sex into the relationship until you are close to a commitment. It is easier for me to keep it fully suppressed than to keep it partially suppressed.

If a guy cannot control himself while dating you, what makes you think he can control himself with other women when he is married to you?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sexual thoughts about women. For me it’s never detailed or includes a fantasy scenario. It’s more like a “hey, she’s sexy” kind of thing where her body is the focus for a moment or two.

I definitely have noticed a drop off in more aggressive kinds of behavior since I’ve passed the age of 40. I still have a lot of desire for sex, but it’s not like it used to be. Now it’s more about knowing that I enjoy sex so I engage in it. I don’t feel driven to have sex.

Well, its been about 5 seconds since I started writing this comment. Would anyone care to guess what I’m thinking bout right now?

Yup, pretty much.

Another interesting fact: testosterone is also produced by women’s ovaries–although in far lower amounts than in men–and the levels of women’s testosterone are similarly strongly linked to their libido. In fact, studies have been done using testosterone patches on women with low libido.