In my twenties, I dated a man who I later saw was very manipulative. He and his overbearing roommate convinced me that I “really needed help” because I didn’t give in to their manipulations. I did seek counseling, but more to understand how I could allow myself to be chastised by such manipulative people. I saw that I had some self-esteem issues tied to my upbringing that led me to feel that this was what I deserved because it was what I was used to. So while their motivations were dubious, the outcome of my seeking help resulted in a new understanding of myself and tools to not fall for the same type of men.

So I wouldn’t write off heart shares all together just because some people will abuse it. It is all part of getting to know someone and seeing how trustworthy they are to treat your vulnerabilities safe and not use them against you. Without that kind of trust, I don’t know how you can have a meaningful long-term relationship.

I wish it was always a good and loving thing, but sometimes you have to realize that the other party may NOT have your heart in their best interests…

My ex was incredibly gifted at this, shared deeply and widely, and drew me out a great deal in the first few years we were together.
It felt safe, loving, a relief to share all of me, enlightening about the inner ‘him’, a place to build the relationship on solid granite…

When you are in the first flush of a romance, and when you are moving forward with a commitment to another person, this all seems so wonderful and full of love.

But I look back now and realize something else:
For him it wasn’t so much simple heartshare as a deep pool of NEED- and the more I poured in non-judgemental love and acceptance the MORE he needed from me.
And this was true of the physical relationship as well; he needed more, always more from me.

It gradually became that all things I shared about my past, and hopes and dreams, and feelings were subtly used by him to change what he said about himself, to better manipulate me into the emotional state of complete acceptance and love no matter what.

And when I gently tried to offer insight to help him deal with areas he claimed he was stuck on, it was somehow turned on me and *I* became the one needing help to fix what was ‘broken’ with *me* since that was what was causing *his* behavior- said with such love and concern and ‘honesty’ I was completely confused about what was going on.

Honestly, if I were JUST me without outside real world obligations like work, no children, no family or friends to spend time with, his expectations might have been doable beyond the 3-5 years I managed, because I was truly trusting of his intentions.

It took me many more YEARS of marriage and abortive counseling to realize *I* was not the source of the problems, even if he claimed I was and held up as examples any weaknesses in myself I had shared with him or he had decided he could convince me were true.

Just a word to the wise- love but with clear eyes, trust but with common sense, accept but within reason.

Wow, the idea of being able to share like this just blows my mind. I have never allowed myself to get that close to anybody, as the more another person knows about your weaknesses, the more ammo they have to hurt you with when they decide to fight dirty, (IME men are particularly good at this). It’s bad enough every guy I’ve ever dated has used my ugly face against me sooner or later, but more than this, (my ED, my IBS, my various other social issues and physical ailments), I’d never share, not unless I was feeling especially masochistic.

My guess is that this would work well for those who don’t have major issues, or who only have a few major issues they can work on together, and/or who have a deep level of trust in the other person and faith that their SO won’t tear them a new one by using their personal vulnerablilities aganst them in a moment of crisis. If I ever met a man I felt I could trust 110%, inside and out, then maybe I’d consider this, but, at present, I have a hard enough time opening up to my therapist about my myriad problems, let alone letting anyone else in on them.

Best wishes from bookyone

And, in retrospect, we both withheld some during our sessions, as we were sensitive to the other’s feelings and didn’t want to hurt him/her. Interesting, isn’t it, that when you withhold in the name of not wanting to hurt the other, you end up hurting them even more. As skilled as we both were in communication, there were just some things that seemed too cruel to say, even though they would have been our truth. But we didn’t know how to say them without being cruel.

Hunter: Sounds like you’ve tried this with women who were insensitive or trust hadn’t been established. I’m impressed you’ve done it though! The right woman will not give you these responses. Also, if you set it up as an exercise and share the ground rules, then if you feel put down, you can say something in the moment. You have parameters for what’s acceptable. And that’s why you approach the first few as practice sessions to help each other be clear on what are valuable comments and what aren’t.

Rod: You can heart share with us! We don’t want you eating worms.

Lulu: Stereotypically, men are not as capable of describing their emotions as clearly as women. And even many women stumble about this. So we have to ask them other things that give us the same information. That’s why asking about dreams for the future, for example, tells you a lot. If he includes you in some of those dreams, you know where you stand. But even if you aren’t part of that image, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel fondly toward you, it’s just he hasn’t decided to build a future together.

….I mention dreams, often, I hear, “Everyone says that, why don’t you accomplish that now?”

Makes me feel like I just got put through the slicer..