You mix in activities like those with having the other person over now and then for a movie and some cuddling, and maybe the woman treats the man to dinner now and then and it doesn’t have to break the bank to date.

In fact, I’m seeing someone new right now and she couldn’t be cooler about it all. We’ve gone to a bar twice to hear live music and we didn’t drink much so I spent very little. We went to the Art Museum which is free here, so that was the cost of a single drink afterwards. Other than that, she’s had me over a couple of times — her idea, too. She felt like staying in watching a movie so we did — although I had to pay a terrible price because she made me watch The English Patient, ha ha. It’s been really relaxed and nice.

So here’s my take. I should be dating a woman who takes care of her own finances. Why should I even need to spend a lot of money on her? Movies aren’t that expensive. A moderately priced restaurant is’t that expensive. There are all kinds of free things to do — go to a park, etc. Any woman who expected me to take her out to an expensive restaurant, who expected me to take her to an expensive musical, and who would be miffed if I didn’t want to pay for these things is a woman I don’t want to date anyway.

To me those seem like a waste of money and if a woman expects that, she’s not really spending time with me because she’s interested in me. She’s interested in having a man spend money on her. That seems unattractive to me.

I grew up in a poor but frugal family, and when I was young I was way impressed with men who spent lavishly on themselves and on me. It was such a different way of looking at life! Unfortunately, I was just too insecure about my own financial knowledge and history to ask many questions– I suppressed my questions because I thought that since I grew up poor, of course I would have no idea what “normal” people spent or how they lived and I shouldn’t criticize, etc. Now I’m older but wiser (I hope!), and have finally taken control of my own finances (helped by getting divorced). It turns out that my frugal parents were right about most things financial after all!

So now I’m looking for a financially sensible guy in addition to the other things on my list.

The problem is that I’m having trouble fitting my “new-old” financial ideals into dating norms. If a man doesn’t ask me out to an expensive restaurant, is it because he doesn’t really care about me or is he just being frugal and sensible? It’s hard to tell what’s going on, especially when so much of our “dating culture” and “red flags” depend on the man spending lavishly on the woman to show he’s serious about the relationship etc.

I’ve tried to solve this issue by bringing it up and talking it over, which has helped in some cases. But it’s still hard to tell.

Frugal and sensible is good, but if he’s frugal because he’s bankrupt or in debt to the IRS or to his ex for child support—-I wouldn’t date that guy because he’s a bad risk for the future IMO.

Yeah, I”m in the same boat. Some things are out of reach for me. I know some women want these kinds of things, and I guess I’m not the guy for them.

There’s a difference between how you manage money and what you are able to spend. You can manage your money well but still not be able to afford the kinds of things some women want.

To me it all comes down to what you are looking for in a significant other. For some, solid companionship may be enough. For others, they may want that and someone prosperous enough to fit the kind of lifestyle they want to have.

I know that for me, as I get older, I realize I need less and less. I guess sooner or later I’m going to be content to simply sit in a rocking chair, ha ha.

Your blog mentions two separate, but related issues: How you manage your finances (debt), and what expenditures are important to you (do things that are important to you).

“I found that being with a man who was always in debt meant we couldn’t do things that were important to me …” I think the debt is an excuse not to do something that was not important to him. Since he is in debt, it is obvious that he is willing to spend money on what he finds important.

I’m willing to guess that the guys you have dated that were not in debt were men who had good earnings. Guys who have excess income, and willing to spend the excess in ways that made you happy.

There are also guys who have no debt who are “thrifty”. I’m guessing with those guyes that dating never got to the point where spending money on things important to you became an issue.

I live on the edge. Not in debt, but not much excess income. I spend money where I have to. If the house needs painting/repairs – Pay me now, or pay me later – so I might as well pay for it now to keep the problem from getting worse. However, that doesn’t mean I’m willing to repaint the house just because I want it to be a different color.

Also, it may be a long time before I can afford the 3 week vacation to Europe. But, if the woman in my life proposed hamburger helper for dinner for the next year to save money for a vacation to Mexico, I could probably make the sacrifice.

I’m currently dating a man who is living “week-to-week” because he’s been having difficulty finding a full-time job. Periodically, this has been a source of frustration for me – we’ve been dating quite a while. However Mr. X and I definitely share the same financial values in that he spends money mostly on essentials – and any extras he can afford tend to come my way. He is conscious of his spending habits and lives within his means. I agree with DG that couples should certainly come to an understanding about whether their financial values are on the same page.

My situation is difficult, however, because my family and friends are of mixed opinions about “dating a man who is in such a precarious financial situation.” Regardless of how he may have gotten there.

I’m going to keep hanging in there. Mr. X is a fundamentally generous person; he shares whatever he has and shows me affection in a myriad of other ways. There is no obvious reason why Mr. X shouldn’t be able to find a job when more positions open up in his field. I know he is doing what he can to find steady work.

(We are both significantly under 40, but DG touches on issues that are certainly pertinent to me and my situation. Perhaps financial concerns are more pertinent than ever for those of us who are just starting out in the workforce. And good advice is good advice.)