When we were younger, we might have been more nonchalant about sex. We progressed — often rapidly — from passionate kissing to petting to sex. Sometimes in a matter of minutes.
Rarely — if ever — would we discuss beforehand our needs and desires. During sex we may have expressed what we wanted or liked, but it was uncommon to stop the action to ask about STDs, birth control, etc.
Now that we are wiser, we know we need to take responsibility for talking about these issues before getting naked with a new partner. We understand that those over 50 have a fast growing incidence of STDs. Some infect others without even realizing they are a carrier. We know it’s up to us to make sure that sex is a pleasurable experience for us and doesn’t have any long-term negative effects.
But most of us aren’t skilled at starting conversations we deem uncomfortable — mostly because we aren’t used to having these discussions and haven’t thought through what we want to say. We’re also afraid of how our partner will react — perhaps getting defensive.
Enter Susanna Warren who teaches compassionate communication. She’s an advocate of initiating difficult conversations instead of letting bad feelings fester. She helps people find ways to communicate their feelings compassionately with care, without blaming the other or being harsh.
Susanna said I could share some ways to have the sex talk before getting intimate. Here are a few of her suggestions. I know we can add to this list, so think of what you have discussed — or would like to discuss — before having sex with a new partner.
Here are a few ways Susanna suggests we can discuss specifics:
- I want to know how we are going to protect our bodies from any unknown sexual diseases because I really want to have a relaxed, comfortable connection between us, knowing we don t have to worry about the future.
- I want you to know how much I enjoy clean body parts and hygiene. I love the taste and smell of fresh breath and when I think about the multiple ways we can please each other, it’s more enjoyable and fun for me if there’s not unpleasant smells to distract me.
- I’m curious if you’d be open to talking about how I might achieve my climax if you reach yours first. I find that sometimes after reaching the point of fulfillment, energy levels are low and it may be difficult to maintain connection and to continue giving to your partner.
Now it’s your turn — what would you add that’s important to you to discuss before doing the horizontal tango? Would you like to talk about how sex changes the relationship for you, as it increases the intimacy and therefore the expectations? Or how having sex doesn’t mean a declaration of falling in love? Or that you’d like to take a shower together first? Or you’d really appreciate it if he’d call you the next day?
What shall we add to the items Suzanna listed? Or do you think any discussion ruins the mood?
Want more ideas on what to expect the first time with a new lover? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed