The long march toward a valentine

by Dating Goddess on February 12, 2011

Our society drowns us in Valentine’s Day propaganda — cramming down our throats that if we have a sweetie we have to go all out to show our ardor. And by implication, if you don’t have a honey, you are a loser.

You know you’re not a loser. You have been working toward finding a compatible, mutually attractive sweetheart. You’ve been consciously and consistently making yourself the best you can be.

You’ve kept up your beloved-finding activities. Over and over. Like a long march toward an elusive love. You keep at it.

One foot in front of the other.

You keep on trucking.

You plod along.

The search, as with any long trek, is punctuated with highs and lows. Sometimes the path is riddled with obstacles; other times it’s clear and easy. You’re elated to find a fun adventure partner, but then you take different paths. Sometimes that is a blessing; sometimes it’s deflating.

You’re tempted along the way to sit on a rock and just be present to where you’ve come and where you are. The perspective may be a beautiful vista, highlighting how far you’ve progressed. Or it could be depressing to see the distance you’ve trudged and not glimpse the end yet.

But you know to stay stagnant would not garner the future you envision and long for. So you give yourself a pep talk and keep trekking. You remind yourself to enjoy the journey and notice the beauty and uniqueness of everything — and everyone — you encounter, even though it may not look fetching at the time. You remind yourself that all of life has some lesson and ultimate good, if you are willing to look for it.

So you ignore the pressure to take the media’s Valentine’s Day messages to mean you are defective if you don’t have a sweetheart right now. You can use the barrage of candy, flower and jewelry ads to remind yourself that true love begins with your being besotted with yourself. Try wooing yourself during this time of year and do things that rekindle your infatuation with the person who is key to allowing anyone else to adore you — that would be you!

And you keep on your path, with a renewed verve and oozing love from your core. Your ardor for yourself will attract the right partner to dance down the path of life.

_________________

Need help reminding yourself why someone would love you? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Kate February 13, 2011 at 3:49 am

Thanks DG. There is a lot of expectation. I remind myself that there are a hell of a lot of people in relationships which are not happy or healthy – just for the sake of form do I want to be one of those people? No. I also celebrate my victories – however small. For example, that I recognised someone for not being right for me and had the courage to move on – that sort of thing. There are many people who find dating all too hard and give up. I hate having to do it, but I haven’t given up. That in itself is worth congratulating myself for.

Yvette Francino February 13, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I’ve actually enjoyed Valentines Days more since I’ve been single than when I was married. When I was married, I always had the expectation or hope that my husband would do something original and romantic. Sometime he tried, but most often, his attempts at romance were not what I wanted and he didn’t respond to my attempts the way I’d hoped, so I think we often ended up feeling let down.

With no expectations or pressures as a single, every Valentine I receive or bestow is somewhat a surprise. And there are people all over that want some attention on Valentine’s Day. Don’t feel like it only has to be about romance. Send eCards (or traditional cards) to all your special friends and family.

The best way to get love is to give it to others. We don’t need a partner to do that…

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach February 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

DG – great post. I agree – don’t be brought down by the Valentine’s Day machine. Your suggestion to be besotted with yourself is perfection. Loving yourself first is paramount to dating success. To quote a James Bond movie – “Nobody Does it Better”!

Yvette – excellent comment and advice! Take the pressure off and celebrate with everyone. Share your smile, good wishes and love with people you interact with today – you could easily make someone else’s day and that will make YOUR day too.

Lisa February 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I saw an ad for a match maker service in the local paper, and its motto was “Because two is always better than one.” Yikes! It’s that kind of thinking that makes me actually glad I am alone and able to enjoy life even without a partner. Happy Valentine’s Day to all!

Mark February 15, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Valentine’s Day shouldn’t spur candy, flowers, cards and sweet thoughts because it shouldn’t take a day on the calendar to make that happen.

Men don’t like VD because it puts pressure on us. Why can’t a simple dinner, at home or in a restaurant, suffice? We feel like VD is a test we have to pass and we are uncomfortable with that.

What DG says about being happy with yourself is important. It’s harder to be happy with anyone else otherwise.

Q February 16, 2011 at 5:30 am

I actually much prefer thinking about V-day the way we enjoyed it in elementary school: everyone gets something special, and you don’t have to want to push a boy down on the playground to justify giving him something.

@Mark: There are women with reasonable expectations: my perfect V-day is making dinner at home w/ my hubby.

Mitsy February 18, 2011 at 12:05 pm

A v-day doesn’t hardly go by without my thinking of my V-Day back in 2006. Was dating the separated guy who had filed for divorce but had not lived with the estranged wife for over 6 months. He had talked about V-Day and I had asked him what he might want from me. He mentioned cologne (something that “I” liked). So, I bought him some cologne & some other kitchen utensil items in a bag. He’d just bought a new house & didn’t have a lot of kitchen stuff–the wife had taken most everything.

Anyway, I went all out with his V-day “gift” and even bought his daughter a box of chocolates. He fixed dinner (and was going to fix it whether or not I was there) and I got nothing beyond a very bad meatloaf that I could not eat much of. No card, no flower, no balloon…nothing. I had seen a lot of neat items at our local discount store & knew he shopped there. I mean he walked by tables & tables of stuff & didn’t think once of getting me something. I guess the dinner was it. Maybe that sounds ungrateful, but if you’ve read any of my posts about this guy, this was just the first of a string of disappointments with this guy. This was the SAME guy who ended up leaving town to go back to the estranged wife from hell who treated his kid so badly. He was a huge bullet that I dodged. He emailed me 15 months later to see if I was still interested because he was on the outs with the “wife” again. I learned my lesson about dating a guy separated but not divorced. He didn’t know how to date even if he’d been available to date. However, every Feb. 14, I can’t help but remember him and his lack of thought on a day that he should have been going all out for me.

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