The Beau Quotient

by Dating Goddess on March 23, 2010

This weekend while traveling I spent time with a gal pal. (I was staying at a hotel nicknamed “The Beau”! How fitting!). We were bemoaning our past relationships and how ignored signs at the beginning ended up dooming the relationship. Sometimes it took only months, but sometimes we’d stuck with someone for years who, in retrospect, showed all the signs of a mis-match from the beginning.

I’d shared that I had created, but not released, a 20-question quiz called the Beau Quotient (BQ). It asks some tough questions and you honestly (if that’s possible when one is besotted) give your beau scores for each question.

I’ve only tested this with myself, so thought I’d ask you, dear readers, to be the guinea pigs. So please download the PDF and think of a current (or recent) sweetie. Answer as honestly as you can. Tell me your refinements to the questions.

(Gentlemen: as usual, this is focused on women. I’d guess the questions would be different if this quiz was designed for girlfriends. So you’re welcome to download it but know it’s not designed to be used across genders.)
_______________________

Want to explore more about whether you should keep dating a guy? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Mitsy March 24, 2010 at 12:08 pm

That’s a good questionnaire. Sadly, I can’t say that ANY of my past relationships would have passed most of the questions with flying colors. Some guys were more honest than others, but in the end, it came down to the fact that many of them were immature, self-centered or behaved in a way that caused me a lot of grief. Then again, I think the average woman would be hard-pressed to find a guy who could live up to most of the questions asked. At least I don’t have a lot of confidence that there is a guy out there who is as good as the questionnaire would indicate is needed for a relationship.

Katie March 25, 2010 at 5:38 am

Excellent questions. Is 80 a threshold, a point of no return? or should there be a middle zone in which possibilities exist, but with certain caveats (like joint counseling, compatibility testing, proof of working on certain low-scoring items, etc)?

I’m pondering another question to add.

Dating Goddess March 25, 2010 at 8:35 am

Katie: Glad you liked the questions.

I don’t know about 80 being a point of no return. I suppose you could have a performance plan, just as with an employee needing to improve. So if counseling, etc., had a time line after which you will reassess the behaviors and decide if they are high enough to proceed.

I think we often put up with sub-par behaviors in the hope they will improve and they don’t. Without a time frame and some frank discussion, then it’s just a waste hoping someone will see the light. But I also know how hard it is for most of us to change. Not that we can’t, but it takes concerted attention and effort.

Anna March 25, 2010 at 10:56 am

Good questions DG and ones that I will keep to remind myself that I am worth having that kind of guy (the one that scores high). The only flaw I see is that perphas during the initial stages of a romance, you could rate your guy very highly. In part because being in love makes you a bit blind to someone’s faults and in part because in the initial stages of romance, the guy could be on his best behavior. Perhaps taking it 6 months or one year into the relationship might be a better test :)

Dating Goddess March 25, 2010 at 11:15 am

Anna: Yes, it would be good to take it once one is in the relationship a while. The point, though, is that if even at the beginning he’s not getting 4′s and above, then you need to pull the plug. However, if you both like each other enough to put in the effort to iron out wrinkles, then there is the aforementioned frank talk and perhaps some counseling. If within 3-6 months the scores aren’t at least 4′s, then time to move on.

That said, men often say they want a woman who doesn’t try to change them. So if you aren’t satisfied with him within the first few months, don’t count on anything changing, although, of course, it is possible.

SB March 25, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Seems like a pretty high bar. But then again, I wouldn’t accept less, either.

I just think it would exclude most of the men I have ever known. Haha.

SB March 25, 2010 at 1:12 pm

For that matter, I hope *I* live up to those standards!

Karen March 25, 2010 at 1:18 pm

I think it’s actually a fairly good questionnaire. However, it seems to me to focus only on the basics–things most women already know to look out for—and things that most men can “fake” for quite a while.

For example, if a guy is dishonest, don’t they usually try to hide that, so you wouldn’t find out he’s dishonest for a quite a while anyway?

My worst ex-es would have easily passed this quiz all during the first couple years we dated–it’s often hard to spot liars and narcisissts before you marry them…. ! :)

Mitsy March 26, 2010 at 11:38 am

I’d say if you found a guy who could live up to this list for a year or two, that that would be an accomplishment. Most of the guys I’ve dated managed to keep up their good behavior for about a month or two and it went downhill after that. :0 Only as long as it took to know that they “had” me, then they quit trying.

Richard March 26, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Being a quant guy, I sorted the questions into the following categories: Respect for you and others (3), Integrity/Maturity (6), Value you (6), and Compatibility (5). I think the questionnaire gets to the heart of whether the other person is ready to be in a long-term relationship. Whether he is “the one” is a totally different question. My first read of the questionnaire was a True/False scale, and scoring 80% means I would be a false on 4 items, and would be a tough, but reasonable standard. Being a 1-5 scale makes passing the questionnaire a lot easier. He has to be a total dud not to get at least a 3 (60) on most questions (total). By the same token, it also makes it harder to get a 5 on any particular question. Is he really “always” that way?

My only suggestion for improvement is to rearrange the questions by category, and to calculate sub-scores. What good does it do you to have a guy that is perfect in everything else, but scores a 0 in respecting you and others?

Regarding: Borderline? Wait? My answer: Don’t expect him to change. He either is, or he isn’t. If he isn’t when he is at his best, what hope do you have when the relationship becomes “comfortable”.

Regarding modifying it for use by guys: I think the general question work, but the parentheticals would need to be modified.

Paula March 27, 2010 at 7:46 am

I think the categories summed it up nicely. I have to say the man that I’m seeing rated over 80 but even though he does all these things, he is still unclear in his own mind of how he feels about me. Very odd.
I will take the quiz again in 6 months – if I’m still seeing him since we’ve already been dating 6 months – and I will see if anything has changed.
It really is a good barometer to remind us of our value.
Thank you

Richard March 27, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Paula: I don’t think the BQ is designed to tell you if he is “the one”. I think it is designed to tell if he is marriage material, and worthy of further investment. If he passed today, then he is worth exploring further. If, 6 months from now, he is still “unclear”, then I suggest moving him to the “friends” list, and make it clear that you are free to see other guys until things clear up for him.

If his thoughts for you do clear up, it may be worthwhile to then redo the BQ just to confirm that it is worth taking the relationship to the next step.

Cathy J March 29, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Thank you Richard for your input here – I like your honesty and advice.

I agree that things change over time, and I would add circumstances (eg loss of job, change of career, illness, sick child). I did the questionnaire but had to think about timeframes eg how long into the relationship (and circumstances). Although generalities are good and some things just need a total heart transplant in a spiritual sense – eg to go from being dishonest to honest or being hypocritical to having integrity.

We should all aim for a man with character. For me this means he chooses to put God/our purpose first, then me, so will have those principles and behaviours in place during the storms – and that is the bar I hold myself to also.
So Dating Goddess, overall I really like the BQ!
One small thing – I would change the word often to usually.

Anna March 30, 2010 at 10:37 am

I listened to an interesting piece yesterday on NPR where scientists have pin pointed the part of the brain that controls moral judgement, they used electro magnetic pulses to “turn off” moral judgement in their research group. The debate will flow of course to point to humans not having souls if in fact these things are controlled by the physical brain.
Now if we can use similar pulses to “turn on” moral judgement, honesty, etc we will do ok, we could zap the guy when we meet him on the first date and all men (and women) would rate over 80 :)

Mike Lowrey March 30, 2010 at 11:02 am

Lol, I don’t think I would ever want to develop a test to find out if I’m dating the right person. It’s like creating a test to see if I like cookies n cream ice cream. Maybe its a guy thing. Women like tests and meters and indicators in relationships. (the majority of) Guys really don’t require all that.

Seems like overkill. Although dating is difficult, it just seems that common sense is more than enough to weed out the unworthy.

Want to have a great relationship, stop ignoring signs.
Want to cross the street ok, stop ignoring the fact that the sign says don’t walk.

Dating Goddess March 30, 2010 at 11:14 am

Mike:

With all due respect, too many of us (men and women alike) ignore the signs that someone is manipulative, a player, liar, etc., when in the throes of smittenness (what is the right word here? Smite?). We need to regain some rational, logical look at the signs before us and not delude ourselves that it’s OK that our guy is rude to our friends, only calls when he wants something, or makes promises he doesn’t keep.

I’m guessing all of us have remained in a relationship that upon conclusion, we said, “The signs were there. Why didn’t I acknowledge them?” The BQ is one way to try to get some perspective, but I know from experience that even when one knows the danger signs are in your face, you can still ignore them if the chemistry is seductive.

And of course, I believe it was Will Rogers who said, “Common sense is not always common practice.” Too often I’ve found that common sense flies out the window when one is head over heels for someone.

Mike Lowrey March 30, 2010 at 12:29 pm

I gotcha. It happened to me once. Many moons ago I was on a cloud over this one woman. we dated for a few months then I busted her in one lie then the web of lies came untangled. I kinda felt she was nuts but I’mma be real she was fine as hell so I had to give it a try.

It only happened once, after that I keep common sense by my side. And a taser!

SB April 2, 2010 at 6:43 pm

The beau quotient can help but it kind of depends on *how* you lie to yourself exactly.

You might say to yourself “He never makes time for me when I want to go out, but [...he's busy...], so I understand.” Then you would give him accordingly low marks on the appropriate part of the survey, even if you were making excuses.

BUT you might also tell yourself “He makes time for me *most* of the time” when he doesn’t answer your calls 4 out of 5 days of the week. You don’t even realize what is happening. In that case, you may end up giving an undeserving guy high marks on the survey.

Just an observation.

Ellen April 6, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Thank you for the questionnaire, which validates what I realized about the relationship I was in for a year and left about 6 months ago. He began to demonstrate serious failure in the “Values You” category. My new guy, who I established a great friendship with before getting involved romantically, scores off the charts on most of these questions (but the relationship is new so who knows?) The questionnaire is a great reminder of what’s important, and articulates what is likely going on when we sense that something is just wrong.

UniqueDater April 8, 2010 at 4:31 am

Hmm, what about general availability?

Let’s not forget that unfortunately sometimes people are involved with people who are ultimately unavailable, even though they score high on the Beau Quotient.

I’ve had a close friend in the past who was married and who scored very high on the BQ – except when it came down to him making his own decisions about being able to be in my life the way he “wanted” to, he was all words and no action.

Ultimately it would be awesome if we all connected with completely single and available people, but I think the Beau Quotient should in some way remind those in inoptimal situations that their Beau isn’t all that great, even if he scores high.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: