In the getting-to-know-you stage, you’re wrong if you tell a man he’s crossed the line and wrong if you don’t.
If you do, you can be seen as controlling. If you don’t, you give the impression that whatever he did/said is fine with you. Or you can just disappear and he’ll never know why.
Last night, I was having an online chat (which I don’t often do) with a guy who’s flirted with me for a week or so via email. This was the first time we chatted real time, although I’d given him my phone number, but he didn’t call. (That is a sign right there.)
After 15 minutes, this dean of a university tells me how “WELL ENDOWED” (his caps) he is. I told him that was nice, but too much info at this stage in getting to know each other. Since we’d been talking about keeping fit, and things related to physicality, I took it in that vein. After my TMI comment, he told me he was referring to his academic status.
Later on, keeping in the academic theme, he offered that he wanted to study me to learn what I liked. He said he wanted to be ready for the “ORALS” (again, his all caps).
When I said I’d rather keep the conversation non-sexual at this point, he said I wanted to control the “pace” (whatever that means) of the conversation. I said I didn’t want to go sexual with our first real-time discussion.
While I’m not a prude and can banter and whip out the double entendres and innuendos as quickly as a man, there is a time and place. The first conversation is not that time.
I’ve heard men advise women that we must have standards on what behaviors we’ll accept. We must show men how we want to be treated and if they insist on not treating us with the regard we require, move on. I was attempting to do just that.
I’ve also had conversations with men where I didn’t speak up. I just extricated myself as soon as possible. He never knew why I didn’t respond to him after that. I debate rather to tell a man why we won’t be going out, and have decided if he is really interested he’ll ask. But for me to offer an explanation to an obtuse man is really just speaking to the wind as he’ll never get it.
What’s your policy on speaking up if a potential date crosses the line? Do you say something or just quietly drift away never to be heard from again?
For more info on the do’s and don’ts of online dating, order your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.