Sharing your dating disclaimer

by Dating Goddess on October 5, 2006

My friend George, a long-time dater and avowed bachelor until he met his soulmate 18 months ago, had a printed dating disclaimer. He says he made women read it before he slept with them. He says, “I know it’s bizarre, but I wanted them to know what they were in for.”

What was in his disclaimer? Here’s what it said:

As we take another step forward…

To avoid any possibility of you feeling misled in the future, I want to offer some “full disclosure” on several points. You may well think this is way premature, and I agree. I just want you to know up front what’s up with me. If you find something below that you don’t like about me, you can bail right now. I’m completely open to talking about anything. If you have questions, ask away. I have no sensitive areas.

Shopping

CostcoMy very favorite store is Costco and I go there frequently. I’m not likely to ever become a Nordstrom repeat customer. Most of what I wear and eat comes from Costco. If the chic “Kirkland” brand turns you off, well, you should know I’m not likely to stop shopping there, and that I even get a little thrill each time I even drive past a Costco.

Age

I told you that I have 99% integrity and that I would always let you know if I were in the 1% zone. Well, I’m 53, not 49 as I showed in my profile. It may well make a difference to you that I’m “in my fifties” or that I did tell this one lie. If so, I completely understand. The fact is that there’s quite a stigma attached to being “in your fifties.” I don’t feel 50, I don’t act 50, people say I don’t look 50, but I am “in my fifties.” There’s absolutely not one single other fact or statement that has come up during our “getting acquainted” process that is untrue. Nor will there be.

Children

In case there is any lingering possible remote teeny thought in your mind that you’d like to be with a man who might start a family with you some time in the distant future, you should know that I’ve had a vasectomy. It’s certainly not that I thought you might be trying to trick me into fathering a child. It’s just that I know some women have secret lingering maternal urges and I don’t want you to waste any time with me if that’s something you would like in your future.

Marriage Prospects

If your true aim is to find a man who will court you, propose to you, and then marry you, I’m probably not a good bet. I look upon life as a series of fascinating adventures. I’ve had great relationships in the past with spectacular friends and lovers.

Sometimes relationships with girlfriends have gone sour when it becomes clear that I’m not really looking for a marriage partner or life-mate. I don’t rule out that possibility forever, and at the same time I just don’t see it in my medium-term future.

Money

I like friends and lovers to have some mutual financial involvement in their relationships. I’m not one of those “old fashioned guys” who would be insulted if you picked up the tab for coffee now and then. I have no financial shortage, and it’s not the amount involved that matters to me. If we go out for some lavish feast and I pay, and later you buy an iced tea, I consider that “even.” I don’t ever need for you to “keep up” with me in dollar terms. You should know, though, that I don’t like it when I buy everything. Just pay for coffee now and then and I’m happy. I don’t like feeling that I’m on a one-way street.

Religion

I’m an agnostic. Various people have different interpretations of what that means. Webster’s my authority: a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and prob. unknowable; broadly: one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god.

That’s exactly how I see things. The “spiritual” interpretation I have of the world is abhorrent to many with conventional religious views. It would be intellectually arrogant of me to insist that my view is right, and that Catholics or Muslims or anybody else is wrong. I don’t know about God, and I don’t think anybody does or can know. Generally speaking, scientific, rational, Darwinian theorems always carry the most weight with me.

Monogamy

In my whole life, I have never been unfaithful to a girlfriend or wife. During this odd online dating process, I imagine that both of us will be meeting a variety of people. One thing I will not ever do is put you in a situation where your health is at any risk. Oh, by the way, I’m in perfect health in every respect including sexual health. In the last year, I’ve had intercourse with two girlfriends, and have had a complete blood test prior to being that intimate, and insisted that my lover did, too. I’m ultra cautious about my health.

Sensuality

Should it happen that we eventually become intimate, you should know that I’m not one of those Neanderthal caveman types who just wants to grunt and screw (sorry). I care more about touching, caressing, tasting, kissing, and laughing. I was a hippie type guy in the 1970s and have lingering tendencies. Nudity and the beautiful human body don’t bother me in the least. I’ve had a girlfriend with a mastectomy, one with secret piercings, and so on. I’m not scared of that stuff. And I like giving massages as much as receiving.

Openness

Just about nothing embarrasses me or makes me want to change the topic. You can ask me anything and I’ll give you a completely candid answer. Or, I’ll tell you that my answer isn’t truthful, like the age deal. Ask what you want to know. I didn’t write this to avoid talking to you about these things, but to stimulate talking about them. I want to be sure you’re fully informed about me.

So, what should I know about you along these lines?

What do you think? How would you feel receiving this? And if you were to create a disclaimer/disclosure, what would you put in it?

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

communicatrix October 5, 2006 at 3:39 pm

This is such a well-written, wry and delightfully comprehensive document, were I the recipient, I would probably sleep with the guy even though he broke my cardinal rule about lying.

Yes, it’s *that* good.

Of course, I’ve had several men tell me that I lean to the masculine side of androgyny, including my current partner, whom I met online, btw.

But the genius of the document is that it pre-screens for at least medium-term compatibility, which it seems your friend is after.

Congratulate him for me, if you would, and wish him the best of luck. I’d be fascinated to hear what his response rate is like.

Dating Goddess October 5, 2006 at 4:48 pm

I will pass on your congratulations, although when I spoke to him today it seems he is beginning to read this blog, so perhaps he’ll read your comments himself!
Since he is now married (drat for us women!) to a wonderful woman, he no longer has a need for the document. We thought sharing it might help others.
He’s such a charming guy, I’d bet the response was close to 100% acceptance.
He also shared another document he used to track his potential dates, which I’ll share the gist of in a later post. Stay tuned!

Dating Goddess October 5, 2006 at 8:56 pm

George asked me to post his response:

Dear Communicatrix….

THANK YOU very much for your comment. I like your screen name very much, by the way.

The woman I married is the only date I never showed it to. Now, she carries a copy in her purse to show people what a weird guy she married.

Since you like the disclosure approach, here’s something else you might care to snag for your own dating adventures: We decided to open the closets and confess everything that might be a concern for the other. I always live by the assumption that we all talk in our sleep. I’d never want to wake up with someone asking what I’d been talking about during the night. If it’s true, get it out.

In our case, my confessions were along the lines of, “Well there was that one time in Bangkok with the two girls….” My wife would counter with, “I once got an A minus in med school.”

I’m a big fan of Goddess’s and wish you all well.

George

communicatrix October 6, 2006 at 11:56 am

> He also shared another document he used to track his potential dates

Oooo!!! An Excel spreadsheet? I had one of those!

Jim October 12, 2006 at 12:01 am

Although I have never written it down, this basically parallels what I say fairly soon when getting to know a woman. I firmly believe in setting people’s expectations as quickly as possible in any type of relationship [business or pleasure] because all people can easily misunderstand both verbal and written communication. I have done a of of international business and have learned the hard way that misunderstandings can easily happen. One of the reasons I don’t date women under 45 [I am 60] is the wanting children situation and the differences between my life goals and theirs. like me slowing down my work life versus their being in the middle of their career [although if an interesting start-up comes my way I could be back to 65 hour weeks real quick]. As I see it why waste some-one’s time if my life style is incompatible with theirs.

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