Requiem of a relationship

by Dating Goddess on October 5, 2007

memorial wreathToday would have been my twenty-second wedding anniversary. I think it is important to reminisce about long-term relationships gone awry as one would at a memorial of a difficult person. Not dwell on the downs, but the ups. Paint a picture of what was added to your life as a result, not what was stripped. Focus on the lessons you learned about yourself, even if those came as the result of humiliation, pain, and bitterness.

So I ponder the gifts, the lessons, the treasures I will carry with me to my next relationship and my life. You don’t have to wait for an anniversary to do this exercise. You could do it now. Especially if you find yourself holding onto some bitterness, best to do it now so you can release that cloud which encompasses you.

Friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate a departed relationship. As in all relationships there were ups and downs, struggles and triumphs, exhilaration and disappointment. We are here to focus on the positives, the wisdom garnered.

I am grateful that my marriage taught me how to:

  • Negotiate win/win solutions.
  • Not worry about inconsequential disagreements.
  • Get clear on what was important to discuss and what wasn’t.
  • Give positive reinforcement.
  • Live with not always getting my way.
  • Go out of my way to give my mate what would please him.
  • Not use my knowledge of his buttons to manipulate him.
  • Have patience with him when he didn’t do well what came easily for me.
  • Be “in wonder” when he did something that seemed inconceivable to me.
  • Love deeply.
  • Laugh at myself.
  • Appreciate things that were important to him.
  • Be trusting and vulnerable.
  • Forgive him when he did things that I found insensitive or objectionable.
  • Deal with disappointments.
  • Be monogamous.
  • Keep the passion alive.

So while this marriage has passed, it left behind valued skills which will live on in the next relationship.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

tk October 5, 2007 at 11:24 am

Wow, it’s incredible that you are able to do this. The only thing I learned from my marriage was to be careful whom I trust. I am thankful, however. I’m thankful that I had the courage to get out of it when I did. Life is good!

hunter October 5, 2007 at 10:14 pm

……I am never married, but, I do enjoy the divorcees, much more than the never married women….

PreviouslyQueenofE October 6, 2007 at 4:28 pm

Anniversaries are important, because they not only mark the beginning or end of relationship, but also what we LEARNED from that relationship. I too mark my anniversaries with a little reflection. Every April brings my wedding anniversary (we would have celebrated our 20th this year) and every January marks my un-wedding anniversary (divorced six years this coming January). One of my boyfriends, the serious one right after the divorce, was very upset because we had no anniversary. I could never settle on “the day” we started being together – it was a very nebulous, what was our first date? first sleepover? first time he (not me) said I love you? I could never commit to an anniversary, much less the relationship (there is an obvious connection there). Since then, I’ve been in relationships where it was easier to mark a start date, and easier still to mark an end date, but I’ve learned to keep my anniversaries more inward and personal. We learn something from EVERY relationship, and DG, your list is wonderful. My list includes listening to my gut (every time, not just some of the time) and being cautious and tolerant.

hunter October 7, 2007 at 12:43 am

Allright, Q of E,,,,, you no longer bare your soul……about the anniversaries,…lets give ourselves a break, we were young, and uninformed,,,,,back when, there was not as much info on relationships,,,,, like there is now…

Jacky October 8, 2007 at 7:57 am

oh ~~~ tk, you are brave enough. I guess all people in reality should learn from you. Why not get out of it? requiem?

Charmed August 6, 2013 at 11:21 am

While I have been divorced, and had man relationships, I tried to do all the wonderful things listed above on what I thought I learned from each relationship gone bad. None seemed to work for me, with every failing relationship the ending was always the same. He left me. I try to wonder why I kept getting left and I have no answer to this day. With my first marriage I was young 19 and married for 4 years when we decided to have a baby. One year later he was sleeping with my best friend. My second long time relationship (2 Years) we had a surprise baby and he beat me so I actually left him. My 3rd long time relationship (1 year) he left me because he said he didn’t love me anymore said I was too needy.

So I thought it was me, I made sure of my sexual self to be more active in my future relationships, I made sure I wasn’t pushing buttons to cause exscelated arguments for abuse to arise and I made sure I was self sufficiant and loved myself so I wouldn’t be needy. In the meantime (my last long relationship 11 years) He cheated on me, I forgave him (trying to make things work) he left me, (he came back) he didn’t pay any bills because I could, he left me because he wasn’t happy (he came back) every time he left I got a little more distant, but I still loved him full heartdly, we got engaged (2 months later, he left) said I bitched too much. well my gosh I can’t please a man for nothing. Too bad I wasn’t born to love women.

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