I checked out the Heartless Bitches site red flags list (it’s REALLY long) and Mr. East Coast fit a whole load of them — right down to offering to adopt my daughter (her dad is still alive) even though he’d never met her. So yes, i’ve learned about those who profess too quickly. He put on a full court press to close the deal with me — but I thought that it would be much easier and cheaper to just get sex locally rather than travel 3000 miles for it ….

What guy would have me meet his grown sons on my first visit, would have me speak on the phone with his relatives during his visits to them, if I meant nothing to him? What guy would talk about how he would propose, where we would travel to, having surgery so he’d stop snoring? I’m baffled by the inconsistencies. What man would bother with the expense, energy/hassle and planning, if he didn’t have real intentions toward someone? I’ve read that, generally, men are too lazy for that. THIS is the part where I second-guess myself and wonder if I was too tough on him too quickly, so he ran.

Will take your advice on the off-chance he makes contact. For my own satisfaction I’d hear him out first and listen, then decide what, if anything, to say.

Some other serious flags I recognized: “YOU MADE ME do … x” several times. Regarding a female employee-filed harrassment complaint against him that came up during our last week in contact, (really not good) he said, “I’m top management. The little people can’t hurt me.” I thought I’d choke when I heard that, and was so disappointed in his character. This is a guy who, sadly, has never done any internal work on himself at all. He has a long journey ahead, and I hope he makes it.

Have learned about true and false selves and the MASK. Unfortunately this guy has so many wonderful talents and gifts, he doesn’t need a mask. But he was damaged early on, and it’s carried forward.

No, I don’t want anyone who could be as rude and inconsiderate to me as he was — when I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.

Mr. East Coast doesn’t seem to do emotions, so part of me assumes he wouldn’t care about my hurt. I expressed it in e-mail so will leave it there.

I could see him contacting me back in between conquests, if he gets booted by his LDR again, if he’s curious; but from what I’ve written him he already knows any direct contact with me would NOT be an easy occasion as I’ve seen under his mask. Since he’s been such a coward so far, I assume he’ll continue as such.

To me, a real, true relationship between equal partners must include honesty, trust, truth, addressing the good with the bad. Anything else is just superficial.

Clearly my ego was smashed by this experience. I’m speaking from hurt, mostly, and from feeling like I let myself get involved too deeply too quickly. My satisfaction would come from knowing whether or not he has/had real feelings for me. It’s extremely hard to move forward without closure, but I’m trying my best; with acceptance it gets easier each day.

You said it: “And if he should reappear in some way, should I listen or tell him to take a hike and cut him off? Feel duped, or feel lucky that I had the experience?”

I feel lucky to have most experiences as I learn about people and myself from them, even unpleasant ones. I think you’ve answered your own question in your comment. Why would you welcome back anyone who behaved toward you the way you described? The 90% match was his mask. You could see by his behavior he was far from a match from you, no matter what he showed to the world.

Also, I’ve found that anyone who’s talking permanency within the first 1.5 weeks is a red flag. They don’t understand that you’re falling for someone who you really don’t know at all. Attraction is great, but as time goes on, one’s real self emerges. I made Mr. Romantic promise to not propose to me again for a year after the initial time the first week.

If he calls, you can tell him how hurt you felt, but it won’t do any good. Or he’ll try to make excuses. Just be pleasant and don’t agree to further contact.

I’m a 1.5 year Match survivor and a midlife divorced woman (experienced with pathological narcissists, passive-aggressives, identity-free guys, liars, players — hey, I’m stuck in Southern California) sharing custody of a child. Have met a lot of whackos and some nice fellows. Just about gave up when my 90% match appeared about three months ago. I’m here, he’s on the east coast. We talked for a month and he came to see me. Roaring great time. Following week I went to see him. He’s only D’d 8 months, had a 4-year LDR with a gal during/after his 20 year marriage broke up. Though I knew the timing was bad, our match was cosmic, down to small details. During my visit to him, though, he told about the 4-year gal and said there was a “90% chance he’d never be *involved* with her again,” at the same time talking marriage, pregnancy, moving there, where my daughter would go to school etc. with me and about how perfect we were for each other, how he’d never connected with any person in his life like he did with me etc. Wanting a committed 3-6 month test relationship. These seemed to be serious, mature conversations. And I saw his large collection of single malt scotches and furniture-free 4 bedroom rented house. Started noting the flags. He came to see me again and we’d planned 2 more trips: 1 to his *family* and 1 for him to see me again. His last visit to me was like a honeymoon, though I saw him fill a highball with scotch, and noted that he drank every day we were together. He made occasional odd comments to me: “I’m going to stalk you for the rest of your life.” “I’ve put bugs in your clothes in your closet.” “I can’t wait to dress you in beautiful clothes.” “I’m the ultimate male chauvinist pig.” The week after his last visit his communications to me changed abruptly — stopped calling during the day, claiming work stress. It took him 9 hours-2 days to answer my TMs. His nighttime calls pushed back to his bedtime and he’d yawn into the phone. I stopped putting effort into the calls and noticed that he asked me no questions. During one call he seemed annoyed and said, “Maybe I should rethink this whole thing.” I asked for clarification the following weekend and he said we were moving at 2 different speeds — though he’d set the speed. I pulled back as my guts felt that he’d pulled back. By the next week he was begging off on calls and sent a long e-mail about the rocks in our road. I responded, having then seen that his supposedly cancelled Match membership had been active in the last 24 hours, and restated all that he had proposed to me, the possibility that I’d been fed fantasy, the possibility that he’d taken another direction, and what I was looking for in a relationship. He responded the next day with a 2-line “Dear Jane” e-mail. No conversation, no explanation, no regret, no consideration, no respect. I wrote him one long one back showing appreciation, thanks, restating what I’d hoped, recognizing the difference in our feelings, being concerned about infidelity and alcohol, and wishing him well. No response and nothing since then.

This was a man I could have married. I’d never felt a 90% match with a human like that before in my life. I took it hard, bawled for a week, blamed myself and second-guessed. Then found “Men Who Can’t Love,” a book about commitment-phobic men, which included actual statements that Mr. East Coast had made to me. (Now for reality: He’d said that he didn’t think he’d ever loved any person except his mother. He’d said he knew his marriage was a mistake early on. He referred to his overweight ex-wife as an object. I knew there was trouble.) So, as I heard so eloquently yesterday, my heart loved him but my head knew logically that he was bad news.

In the book his type of guy often makes “curtain calls,” contacting weeks/months later to start the seduce-reject cycle all over again. As much as I’d like closure and to hear him say he wants to visit me again to straighten things out, it’s a pipedream and even my daughter thinks he’s too scared/embarrassed to ever contact me again. Personally I think he *knows* we were a great match, he knows he’s playing and an LDR with me would have been easy to compartmentalize, he knows I’m onto him, he’s said he moves on without guilt or regret — so I think he’s forgotten me already. So much for the photos we took of us together on our last weekend — him loving and attentive, quite the gentleman.

A man who is that poor at resolve misunderstandings, clarifying misinterpretations or wanting to make things right is someone who only wants an armpiece who won’t ever be any work. He made zero effort — to keep me as a friend, or to know me on any level — just 1.5 weeks after talking about how we would raise children together. How does the pendulum swing so wildly?

And after all this, I wish him well on his road. I hope that someone comes along who will smash his arrogance to the floor, who will obliterate him into humility because he actually does love her. He told me he loved me, but it sounded like words without feelings. I wanted to be his mate, not his candidate, and I told him so.

It’s hard to finally find such strong feeling for someone, and then have them not love you back. I will remember him for the rest of my life.

And if he should reappear in some way, should I listen or tell him to take a hike and cut him off? Feel duped, or feel lucky that I had the experience?

Thanks.

Interestingly though, tonight I talked to a guy friend at my part-time job. He wanted me to meet a “friend” of his. I had sort of heard this guy’s name and once had known his ex-wife, but I had not seen her in years. I am a young looking 46 and am totally turned off by a lot older looking men (more than 5-6 years). This guy comes over and he’s at least 60 or older! We talked briefly and he asked about us going out sometime. I told him that maybe we could, but I was pretty non-commital. He knew where I worked during the day (at my office job) and said he would give me a call. I said..”yeah, OK”. But, I’m thinking…this guy is NOT what I need or want. So, then later another friend/co-worker comes over to me and says something about this guy talking to me. She told me that she set up her cousin with this guy and the cousin went out with him once and that he had a belly button AND foot fetish! On the very first date, he pulled up her shirt to SEE her belly button! Then at one point, he wanted to see her FEET! Needless, to say, that was her first and last date with this guy. So, that pretty much cemented it for me. If he calls, I’m going to tell him that I’m looking for someone closer to my own age, which would be the truth. But, even if he were younger, I would not want to go out with a guy like that. What a story though.