Musician hits sour note

by Dating Goddess on July 12, 2009

We’d intermittently flirted by email and phone for almost a year. We lived thousands of miles from each other so promised we’d let the other know when we’d be nearby. He toured in a popular R&B band, but not to my area. Until now.

A few months ago he told me his group was booked this week in my part of the country — but 400 miles away. Then a few weeks ago I heard on the radio that they were playing an hour away from me on the same tour so I emailed him to suggest getting together when he was near my town.

Somehow the wires got crossed. He texted me last Thursday: “I’m here.” When I replied, “Where?” he said, “At (an airport 400 miles away). Call you from my hotel.” An hour later, another text, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at home.” “Why aren’t you here?” “Because you’re 400 miles away!”

The phone rang. He sounded confused. “What do you mean 400 miles away?” “That’s where I live.” “No! I thought you lived here.” “Nope, I’ve always lived in this city.” “I’m confused.” “Clearly!”

“I got you a ticket to tomorrow’s show here.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t get there tomorrow. I thought you’d get me a ticket for Saturday’s show near me, which is what I said in my email.”

“I blew it! I should have called you.”

Yep. He should have called.

“I can’t get you a ticket to the show near you, as all the comp tickets are taken by the other guys in the band.”

“Bummer.”

“Let me ask tomorrow to see if I can get one for you. I’ll call you tomorrow before noon.”

“Great. I’d love to see you in action.”

Friday at 11:58 I got this text: “It might be possible.” I took that to mean he had a line on a ticket and would let me know. I was hoping he’d succeed and was looking forward to meeting him and seeing the show. At 4:00 I got another text: “I’m getting dressed [for tonight's show]. I’ll call you at 9:00.”

Nine o’clock came and went. Nothing.

I thought, “Maybe their set went long. Or they all went out to dinner afterward,” trying to give him some grace.

Saturday morning, nothing. Noon, nothing. Afternoon, nothing. I went out to dinner with a gal pal.

Sunday, nothing.

I scratch my head. I didn’t berate him for his mistake. Was he too embarrassed to call? I could have lived with, “I’m so sorry. I blew it and I can’t score a ticket for you. Let’s explore what would work for us to meet up.”

And this isn’t a case of chalking it up to musicians being flaky. His day job is a responsible position!

Or is it just one more example of a way a man says he’s not that into me? Pretty odd, I think, for a middle-aged man to behave this way. But I’ve seen it before so I shouldn’t be surprised.

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Embracing Midlife MenEven though some men’s behaviors are still confusing, learn what the Dating Goddess has figured out in Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Linda July 12, 2009 at 11:43 pm

Was the show sold out? If not, then as it was his error, he might have purchased you a ticket to his show…
I don’t mean to offend or be harsh but my gut feeling is that he has been flirting with more than just one woman and is having some difficulty keeping things straight. From his behaviour my guess would be that his comp ticket for the show an hour away from where you live was already spoken for and the phrase “It might be possible” translates roughly into “I want to check the other woman out before I commit to giving her the ticket, if she doesn’t pass then it’s yours”.
His poor behaviour had nothing to do with you or your reaction and it sounds like you’re better off without him.

Dating Goddess July 13, 2009 at 8:47 am

Linda: Thanks for your thoughts. The show was not sold out, and I considered buying a ticket, but then thought “If he doesn’t care about seeing me enough to put in any effort to arrange it, whether it involves his show or not, I’m not going to spend $65 to go see him.” It just seemed a bit desperate.

And while I commonly juggle different men, I wasn’t picking up that from him at any time. In fact, I’ve teased him about having women in different cities and he said he is way too old (59) for that! He was happily married for 25 years and is widowed. He has said again and again he only wants one woman in his life. That is not to say I’m certain that he isn’t flirting with others and confusing us.

I think his confusion is just his not paying attention nor remembering. But that doesn’t excuse his not communicating with me.

Cyndy Hoenig July 13, 2009 at 6:34 pm

This is a great big red flag that we girls have ignored all our lives. No matter whether he is a Dr., Lawyer, Shoemaker, Drummer, he behaved in an irresponsible manner. And yes, he’s just not that into you. Move on to someone who cares enough to make committed plans.

Mitsy July 14, 2009 at 12:51 pm

I’m guessing that he’s exhibited this behavior with other women regardless if he’s actually got another woman on the string or not. To leave you hanging is totally unacceptable in my book. Although I didn’t have anything like this happen when I did online dating, it reminds me of the lack of effort or flakiness I encountered with men who were old enough to know better. I never dated anyone as old as this dude, but at any age, it was poor manners on his part. He snoozed so he lost. It’s another incident where long distance does not usually work.

Samantha July 14, 2009 at 9:59 pm

It’s so hard to say what a person’s reasons and motivation are… flirting for almost a year when both live far apart..neither person is getting anything out of it other than the enjoyment in the moment. Trying to create something solid and meaningful out of that isnt going to happen so I don’t think he did anything wrong. Unless both live near each other and meet face to face early on, all this other activity seems to lead nowhere.

Samantha July 15, 2009 at 8:47 am

It sounds like he originally thought he had it all together… thought you lived in 400 mile away town, and had a ticket for you. So, all that is good, right. He called you when he arrived in what he thought was your town.. So, I would think that if there had not been a mix up and he knew where you lived, he would have behaved similarly and called to say he had your ticket when he got in to town. I think once he realized the mix up and knew he could not get a ticket for here, his efforts decreased and he came across as a flake. He is thinking he did make the effort initially when he thought you lived elsewhere. Men want to be recognize for what they’ve done right and/or recognized and appreciated for their effort. He didn’t go out of his way to fix it, true. I guess we can bash him for that part!

Seductress Within July 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm

I’m so glad you didn’t buy a ticket and go meet him. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and chalking it all up to misunderstandings is fine, but the bottom line is that a man AT least has to show enough genuine interest to keep the communication straight.

His loss.

Mark July 17, 2009 at 7:17 am

To me this reinforces the problems with lengthy relationships that rely on email, chat, and phone calls without ever meeting in person. They are just a bad idea, unless you don’t mind wasting a lot of time.

Anna July 17, 2009 at 9:56 am

I would have initially said that its the men-are-not-great-at-multitasking thing (sorry to all the men out there). If he was tied up with work, his gig etc, his mind was on that. However the male gurus would lead us women to the knowledge that if his mind were truly on you, he could work, juggle everyting AND still be into you enough to make sure he saw you. In black and white, his lack of contact even to apologize does say it all, unfortunately. Or fortunately perhaps!! if you dodged a bullet.

Meari July 17, 2009 at 10:18 am

Men of all ages are flaky. I’ve seen it before, too. Comes as no surprise.

Samantha July 18, 2009 at 1:30 pm

But how in to a woman can a guy be when all they’ve done is flirt by phone/email without ever meeting! He was probably doing this because he really doesn’t want to put in the effort to have a real relationship. It always becomes apparant when the time comes for the rubber to hit the pavement. It falls apart quickly and truth is revealed.. I dont think it’s about men being flaky, I think it’s about learning to read the signs and then avoiding people who dont want a relationship.

angie July 21, 2009 at 5:19 am

I think the entertainer was merely entertaining.If he reakky wanted to hook up with the young lady he would of had all of his plans together. There was no mistake ,this guy knew exactly what he was doing play by play. Flirting is good on the phone ,texting but however once a man takes it to the next level of a face to face hook up but when you get all of these excuses why it didn’t happen,something else is going on. Don’t harden your heart it is what it was .This guy was shooting to he a bunch of nonesense

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach July 23, 2009 at 5:40 am

Dear Dating Goddess,
So sorry tto hear of this sour note. That stinks! I’m sure you thought it would just be a kick to meet the guy. But I do agree with Mark and a few others. While it seems like light-hearted fun to flirt with someone long distance or over time, when it comes to meeting, it can be a big disappointment. Sadly, the fantasty and flirting are often better than the real thing.

People sometimes start to think they “know” the person with so much time passing. And while it may seem fair to expect basic courtesy from the guy, he didn’t see it that way. It’s impossible to understand what motivates people to do the things they do and how they manage to justify their actions.

There’s an old joke Jay Leno told about a man and a woman early in a relationship driving in a car. She brings up something about their relationship, he answers vaguely. She decides to drop it and when she’s back at home, calls a girlfriend to figure things out. They disucss this on and off for over a year.

On the other hand, the guy enters his home, flicks on the TV, takes out a bag of Doritos and enjoys. Momentarily his minds goes to the converstsaion, but then he quickly returns to the show, laughs at Jay, then pops another Dorito.

Morale of the story – eat the Doritos – it’s far more satisfying than trying to figure out what he was thinking or why he did what he did.

Or what I say to my dating coaching clients is, “Who’s next?” Thankfully, it’s an abundant world filled with new men to meet.

Karleen July 29, 2009 at 6:23 pm

Okay – It has taken me far too long to post this, hope it’s not old news. Dating Goddess, as you know I was married to a musician and have had a 25+ year relationship with a person in the music industry so…..take my insights for what you will. The musician I was married to was a DETAIL person to the very end (read – trimed the grass with scissors, swept and mopped the garage weekly, etc) so he had every detail in his brain. There was not very much that slipped by or eluded him and I know he would have not gotten the distance or dates mixed up if he wanted something to work out. Now, the OTHER man in my life is scattered beyond compare. He will say, ” I will call you later” and never do it, keep me hanging when he is in town to know when I can see him, etc. All this being said, I think the PERSON is who he his and occupation is incidental. My two cents on the subject.

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