Moving from friends to more

Have you ever had a guy friend-crush? A guy pal who you’d like to be more? But you haven’t flirted or made your interest known because he might already have a wife or girlfriend? Or maybe you’ve been too afraid of ruining the good friendship you have if a romance doesn’t work out?

I was curious about how to move from the friend zone to more, as several previously coupled guy pals have recently become single. So I was thrilled to meet a woman whose boyfriend had been a long-time friend first. I grilled her for details of the transition.

Since most people feel it’s important for their mate to also be their friend, it makes sense to start with someone you already know well and trust. You know each other’s foibles and love them anyway. The advantage is you already know the type of person they are, and have determined their personality quirks aren’t so off-putting.

The question becomes who breaks the “friend” wall first and how? I asked my new friend. She said her boyfriend was the first one to let it be known he thought of her romantically. “How did he do that?” I asked nosily. “Did he ask you for a date, kiss you, or tell you?” She was coy. By her response I gathered that he kissed her. And she liked it! So there wasn’t much time for her to think about whether she wanted to date him, if she thought of him romantically, if kissing him would be like kissing a cousin. She just let it unfold and liked it so didn’t see a reason to stop.

I can see that overthinking it could cause a problem. As I think of these newly single guys, I do wonder if it would be hard to find a romantic tingle since we know each other so well. Would we be able to get beyond the sister/brother image of each other? And what if it didn’t work out — would we be able to go back to our good pal relationship?

When my parents were in their 50’s, they had several sets of married middle-aged couples who were socially active together. When one of the women died and then one of the men died, I was surprised that a short time later the two surviving spouses began to date, and then got married. They hadn’t flirted with each other when their spouses were alive and I would have been surprised if there had been any sexual chemistry. But they found something they liked in the other enough to date and marry. Maybe it was such familiarity that they found it easy to integrate into the other’s life.

So what do you think it takes to move to “beyond friend” zone? If you’ve done it, how did it happen? Did you initiate it or did he, and how?

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