I agree with you, IMHO his lack of reponse shows a distinct lack of tact and/or breeding. I was raised to treat everyone I meet with dignity and respect, whether or not I choose to befriend them, and to me a complete lack of response shows a lack of respect for the other person’s time (in composing the e mail) and feelings (nobody likes to be brushed off without a reason, even if it’s just a stock reply).

I make a point of always responding to all e mails, even if it’s just to let the other person know I don’t think we’d be compatible. I think it’s the only decent thing to do. Plus, as you pointed out, one’s behavior can and does have implications beyond the dating arena. After all, who knows if the guy or gal you brush off could be a future source of business or even a future boss or employer?

It’s the old saw of never burning your bridges behind you, as you never know when you might need to cross the river again.

Best wishes from bookyone

I’ve read your column for months and your outlook on dating is refreshing including this article. I completely agree with your comment that it is classy and courteous to respond to all e-mails. I sent an e-mail to every potential suitor once I became involved with someone and the responses I received were very positive and many left the door open for future contact on my part, if something feel through.
I’m also impressed that you have a little devil in you.

Dadplus3

Yes, as I said this was early in my dating. I made it a game. I don’t do that now. I had forgotten about him until I saw him at the club, then thought it was too interesting a situation to let go. Call it the devil in me! I saw his sign again on the day I wrote the posting, so it jogged my memory of the events.

«Do you respond to every “Hi, I saw your profile and think we have much in common” »

Actually, I do. I call it dating karma. I wrote a posting about it some time ago.

«Hello, I saw you at such and such meeting. Turns out that we have a lot in common, including being on the same dating web site! I’ve emailed you several times but you never responded.”»

I’ve had the equivalent happen. But since I respond to every email, it would not have the same outcome.

I don’t really get the “outing” part. He outted himself by posting his picture to the sites.

«What do you think Mr. Realtor is going to say now about you to somebody else in your mutually shared social circle if your name or your consulting business happens to pop up?»

He has no idea of my name or profession.

«so I don’t understand why you’ve allowed a complete stranger to mess with your head in this way, especially when he hasn’t done anything wrong!»

I don’t really feel he “messed with my head.” It was just an observation of his behavior.

«And the next time that you want to meet a good-looking realtor, call him up and make an appointment to go look at available listings. »

I’m afraid that’s too duplicitous for me. I’d be incensed if someone set up a meeting with me under false pretenses.

DG

This is a classic men are from Mars, women are from Venus situation. See it from the guy’s perspective. He has an ad on a dating web site. That means he’s looking for a lover, a girlfriend or a future wife. He’s not looking to make business contacts or to network professionally. For that, he’s probably got tons of other outlets like the Rotary Club, Chamber of Commerce, trade conventions, real estate open houses, etc. So, if a woman contacts him who doesn’t fit what he’s looking for romantically, why should he be obligated to respond? Do you respond to every “Hi, I saw your profile and think we have much in common” email you get from men on Match and Yahoo even when you know you have zero interest in meeting them? Do you always think, hmm, this guy works for XYZ company or works in XYZ industry, so I should email him back and invite him to coffee so that I can network professionally?

What you did, when you emailed him after the club event, was the equivalent to outing somebody. I assume there is a a reason why you, DG, don’t use your real name on your blog. I suppose it is because you want to keep your personal life separate from your professional life, right? Now then, wouldn’t it feel awkward and perhaps a little creepy if a man, a complete stranger, were to email you out of the blue saying, “Hello, I saw you at such and such meeting. Turns out that we have a lot in common, including being on the same dating web site! I’ve emailed you several times but you never responded.” Actually, I’m surprised he responded to that email. Guess he just wanted to say something to get you to stop contacting him.

You write: “So if your profession puts you in front of the public, know that your actions have repercussions beyond the dating world.” Well, that cuts both ways. You have a negative impression of the realtor and now he probably has one about you. He would’ve had zero opinion about you if you hadn’t pushed and sent him that one final email outing him and putting him on the spot. What do you think Mr. Realtor is going to say now about you to somebody else in your mutually shared social circle if your name or your consulting business happens to pop up? Do you think he’s going to say something positive?

DG, with all the valuable wisdom you dispense on this blog about dating, I’m surprised that you reacted the way you did. You have said in the past that only we can allow someone else to make us feel inadequate or inferior, so I don’t understand why you’ve allowed a complete stranger to mess with your head in this way, especially when he hasn’t done anything wrong!

Cut this guy some slack (or some grace, as you’ve said in the past). And the next time that you want to meet a good-looking realtor, call him up and make an appointment to go look at available listings. You’re guaranteed to spend at least a couple of hours with him and you can cap off the driving around with a cup of coffee. That’s what I would’ve done if I was that blown away by his profile. And I’ll bet he would’ve wanted to have met you, if you had taken this backdoor approach

I know you’ve shared before your philosophy of not responding to women who don’t interest you. I have a different experience and preference. In the literally thousands of “Thanks but no thanks” emails I’ve sent in response to an email or wink, I’ve never had anyone complain. Ever. In fact, more often than not, they send me a “Thanks for letting me know” email. Sometimes including that they think it’s classy to respond. (See the posting under “Favorite postings” on my wording on this.)

We could chalk this up to women vs. men, but I am one who appreciates a gracious message in return. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I feel it’s kind to let someone loose, rather than have them wait expectantly for an email then have none arrive.

So did I expect the man to lie? No, although I have certainly used the white lie of “I’m taking a break from dating” line if I want to let someone down easy. What does it matter, really, the excuse, as long as the message is communicated. I think too much truth, e.g., “We definitely aren’t a match” rings of “What are you possibly thinking?” and can sting.

So you and I prescribe to different methods of response.