While munching sushi and margaritas, the sweet, 62-year-old widower shared his concern as we discussed dating. His wife of 3 decades had died 18 months ago and he was dipping into the dating pool.
What he found was a lot of aggressive, sexually hungry women. He was dumfounded that they tried to seduce him on the first date. He was not happy about this.
One woman invited him to her house for their first date. When he arrived, she’d laid out various battery-operated toys for him to choose. He was stunned. Not completely understanding what was expected from him, he allowed her to explain each one before he high-tailed it home.
“Is this what women expect now? A roll in the hay on the first date? I haven’t been intimate with a woman in a while. I don’t even know if my equipment still works!”
I felt sorry for the dear man. This was only one of a number of encounters where women tried to seduce him on the first encounter. “I need to feel something for a woman before I jump into bed with her. I’ve never been into casual sex. If this is the expectation, I’m not cut out for this.”
On one hand, I was sad that he had to encounter such uncouth women. On the other hand, I was glad to hear it wasn’t just women who encountered inappropriate, lecherous people in the dating pool.
Also, I thought it was brave of him to show his vulnerability to me exposing his uncertainty about sex. It was a refreshing change from the many men who boasted of their sexual prowess, often even before we met.
I assured him that there are many classy women who also want to wait until they have an emotional connection before getting intimate. I told him he will learn to weed out the inappropriate ones through more probing on the phone so he’ll improve his ratio of appropriate to inappropriate meetings. I shared that I am still not perfect at that vetting, but I am much, much better than in the beginning.
For those who’ve not dated in decades, the modern dating scene can be quite a shock. It is surprising what people tell or ask you, sometimes before you’ve even met. The assumptions and behaviors of some can be abhorrent. You can get scared and angry. Or you can realize that your assumptions that people are thoughtful, classy and appropriate are too generous, based on your own circle of friends.
However, there are good, honest, thoughtful, generous people in the dating pool. We just have to hone our skills to find them.
Want to know more about what to expect when you enter the world of midlife dating? Get your copy now of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool.