While munching sushi and margaritas, the sweet, 62-year-old widower shared his concern as we discussed dating. His wife of 3 decades had died 18 months ago and he was dipping into the dating pool.
What he found was a lot of aggressive, sexually hungry women. He was dumfounded that they tried to seduce him on the first date. He was not happy about this.
One woman invited him to her house for their first date. When he arrived, she’d laid out various battery-operated toys for him to choose. He was stunned. Not completely understanding what was expected from him, he allowed her to explain each one before he high-tailed it home.
“Is this what women expect now? A roll in the hay on the first date? I haven’t been intimate with a woman in a while. I don’t even know if my equipment still works!”
I felt sorry for the dear man. This was only one of a number of encounters where women tried to seduce him on the first encounter. “I need to feel something for a woman before I jump into bed with her. I’ve never been into casual sex. If this is the expectation, I’m not cut out for this.”
On one hand, I was sad that he had to encounter such uncouth women. On the other hand, I was glad to hear it wasn’t just women who encountered inappropriate, lecherous people in the dating pool.
Also, I thought it was brave of him to show his vulnerability to me exposing his uncertainty about sex. It was a refreshing change from the many men who boasted of their sexual prowess, often even before we met.
I assured him that there are many classy women who also want to wait until they have an emotional connection before getting intimate. I told him he will learn to weed out the inappropriate ones through more probing on the phone so he’ll improve his ratio of appropriate to inappropriate meetings. I shared that I am still not perfect at that vetting, but I am much, much better than in the beginning.
For those who’ve not dated in decades, the modern dating scene can be quite a shock. It is surprising what people tell or ask you, sometimes before you’ve even met. The assumptions and behaviors of some can be abhorrent. You can get scared and angry. Or you can realize that your assumptions that people are thoughtful, classy and appropriate are too generous, based on your own circle of friends.
However, there are good, honest, thoughtful, generous people in the dating pool. We just have to hone our skills to find them.
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Want to know more about what to expect when you enter the world of midlife dating? Get your copy now of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool.
Comments
6 responses to ““I don’t know if my equipment still works!””
Very interesting, although I am not entirely surprised that some women are as aggressive as some men. A big turn off/red flag for many women would be a man who mentions in his profile, during a phone conversation, or on a first meet any of the following: Sex, massage, back rub, hot tub, eroticism, hedonism, foot rub, libido, making love, etc. I wonder if the women he met had some sort of reference, either overt or more vague, about sex. If so, those would be women he would want to avoid in the future.
Don’t laugh, but I *think* heard this on the John Tesh radio show: about 50% of women and over 60% of *men* hope that a one night stand will result in a longer term relationship. It almost never does. A lot of these people are probably lonely (and probably also haven’t had sex in such a long time, they are also impatient), but their strategy will only backfire.
You can weed out players and people who just want to “hook up” by clearly stating in your profile that you will not be physically intimate with someone until the relationship has at least progressed to the point that you have met each others’ families, friends, pets, children, etc.
This will deter the players (who are only looking for a booty call and would never introduce a booty call to their parents/kids). It will also be a call-out to the more serious daters who will not hesitate to introduce you to their families if you are the right person they are searching for.
You don’t have to be blunt; you can couch the language in terms of doing them a favor along the lines of “I will honor the sacredness of our relationship by delaying intimacy until we have both met each others’ families and you can see me fitting in to your life and your family with ease and grace, which is the greatest gift I can offer you, if you are the right man to receive it…” or something like that, make it sound like it’s a bonus or benefit for him.
I agree than any kind of reference to your body or bodily contact (i.e. massages, or saying which body part is your “best feature” no matter what it might be) is a callout to the players/booty call people who just want sex. Keep it out of your profile. Save the sexy talk for him until *after* you’ve met his family…
I disagree ladies.
What a lucky guy! Why are so many ladies still hung up on what is natural and healthy for the male and female?
Why do you think God made us this way? And why did he make it feel so good?
I also lost my wife a few months ago and we had stopped having sex almost two years before she went to the other side. I hope that sex is easier to come by these days. Why do you suggest it be a “prize” for doing what you think he should do?
I’ve always felt that two people should get to know each other a little before any sex also. But, after seeing my wife pass away at 49, I have changed my views.
Life is too short to “play games”!
This is my personal advice from the male’s point of view:
Clearly some ladies are trying to manipulate the male/female interaction by using sex as tool. This may work on a young man but not on a experienced mid-aged man who has seen a lot of things in his life.
If a woman wants to manipulate me with sex, I run for the hills. You should have sex when both of you are mentally ready which could be a first date under the right conditions.
When you make certain things a prerequisite to having sex, you deserve to be called a player, sociopath or prostitute but never a strong and confident woman.
Moreover, why are you women always come up with these silly rules like “no sex until I meet his family”? After my divorce I ran into women who would not date me due to my recent divorce (up to three years after my divorce LOL). What does this rule help you with? Don’t you want to date Mr. Right? Why would you ever care about the date when his divorce papers were signed as long as they are, of course.
The other silly rule is that some women want a man 6 ft tall, not because they prefer taller men but because they want to be able to wear high heels. If I was presented with a choice between the right partner or a certain kind of shoes, ….
In short, stop coming up with silly rules, look at the man in entirety.
I might add that a majority of the women (and hopefully men) out there don’t just want a roll in the hay. What is “natural” is what animals also do, no? Are people seriously so hard up for sex that they will throw caution to the wind and do it with whoever is willing? Those are the types that give online dating a bad name. If you just want to “hook up”, don’t waste someone’s time who actually wants a long-term relationship.
Agree with Mitsy, players (and other strictly sex only types) should stick to player venues/adult sites and get together with other players (male and female) instead of messing with the minds (and hearts) of those who don’t do the casual sex thing, but are looking for a more permanent monogamous relationship.
IMHO there’s nothing wrong with casual sex, (if it works for you and your partner), but there IS something wrong with “playing” (and consequently hurting) someone who’s looking for a long term monogamous relationship.
Best wishes,