How to make dating work for you

by Dating Goddess on February 19, 2011

(Dear Readers: My fabulous former relationship counselor and friend Sonika Tinker has a teleseminar series and CD set I thought might interest you so I asked her to contribute a posting.)

by Guest Blogger Soniker Tinker, MSW

Many singles are tired of the dating scene and sick of superficial interactions. Most leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever.

Why? The dating scene doesn’t work.

Wayne Dyer said, “We don’t get what we want, we get who we are.”

When singles meet, they don’t really see each other, they talk but don’t feel heard, reach out but don’t feel connected. There is so much judging, assessing, impressing, withholding, deciding, wanting and needing going on that no one is really being with each other and there is little space left for authentic, joyful, intimate relating.

Does this sound familiar? Someone looks at you and you look at them and within two seconds you have already decided whether or not you are going to see each other again. You go through the motions of a flat, dishonest evening anyway, pretending you don’t notice or feel the obvious. It is so uncomfortable that you wonder afterward why the heck you bother venturing out at all – you’d have more fun at home in your bathrobe on the couch watching TV!

There are over 20 reasons why dating doesn’t work. I am listing five of them:

  1. Your list of what you want in a partner prevents you from actually “being” with the people you meet, so relationship can’t develop. You have a relationship with your comparative list instead of a person. Besides, checking each other out keeps you in your head and out of your heart where love lives.
  2. You are so busy trying to impress each other that authenticity goes out the window. Relationship can’t build when people are hiding, pretending, trying, etc. Relationship flows when people are honest and real.
  3. You think who you see on a date is who the other person really is. But it isn’t. (They are in pretense mode too.) So you miss out on who this person could be or might be. People are not rigid and fixed. They are ever changing and evolving and becoming. In fact, you play a huge role in how someone shows up around you.
  4. Wanting a relationship prevents you from having one, so unfortunately, the more you long for a relationship, the more relationship can’t show up. Wanting and having can’t exist in the same space. You need to be able to move out of wanting into having in order to manifest a relationship.
  5. You don’t intentionally create your dating experience ahead of time. You show up on a date to “see” how you “feel” about this person like a passive observer in a movie. Your date is doing the same thing, so the date drifts, passively along into whatever.

There are many more reasons why dates don’t work. We talk about them on our 2-CD set, “Why Am I Still Single?” If you are committed to breaking free and creating a relationship, you can get our 6-week singles program home-study course.


Email Sonika, call for more info at 530/878-3893, or visit her web site,

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