It continually amazes me to hear the comments some men make during the pre-date stage. You would think they would focus on putting their best foot forward, thinking about how they want to make a great impression.
But no.
Some (many?) seem to have no filter or editor and just spew forth whatever is on their mind.
Case in point, the comments made in this posting’s title. Let me explain.
I have a dozen pictures posted on a dating site. I like all of them (or I wouldn’t have posted them) and they show me in a variety of settings from professional, formal, informal, to fun. I’ve received many, many compliments on my pics.
However, occasionally a man makes contact and we’ll start chatting. Either these men quickly become comfortable with me or they have no aforementioned filter. Then they let some disparaging comment slip.
Does a man really expect me to react positively when he says I look like I’d wear granny panties? Or that I epitomize a schoolmarm? Or that a picture of me in a wide-brimmed straw hat (which I’ve been told numerous times is classy and fetching) looks like I’m the Church Lady?
After perusing all my pics, a man asked, “Which is the real you?” A ridiculous question I thought — they were all the real me. So I asked what he meant. He said, “You look like you put on some pounds since the previous pic,” which I had not. It was the angle of the camera. While I could appreciate that many people post decades old and many-pounds-ago pics, I do not. I guess it was how he asked that was off-putting to me.
Do these men think at all before letting forth whatever crosses their mind?
On the one hand, honesty can be refreshing and appreciated. But honesty is generally valued most when you’ve built trust and have a solid relationship established. Honesty like “You look like you put on some pounds since the previous pic” is not appealing.
What have you had potential dates say to you that was off-putting? How did you handle it?
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Want to know other things to look for before agreeing to a first date? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.
Comments
25 responses to “Granny panties, schoolmarm and Church Lady”
Hi,
I enjoy reading your articles. I’ve recently met someone and still enjoy reading them.
Great article. I think every woman has had experiences from men with no filters. I’m curious if men are the same or worse in different countries.
For reference, I’m in Canada. Some of the unfiltered questions/comments (there have been many) I’ve received either in an initial email from a man showing initial interest or as we are in the early stages of the dating emails have been:
“Do you have a big booty or are you really busty?” (being a curvy plus size woman, I get this on occasion especially if I post a ‘head shot’. This was in an initial email – what an impression! He got a comment from me about being respectful and didn’t get a response beyond that.)
“What kind of underwear do you wear?” (Said in an online dating site email. I knew he was hoping I’d say I wear something sexy. I replied with “Have you ever seen ‘Bridget Jones Diary’.” (Some say yes). Then I say “remember the cotton white panties that she held up, those are what I wear”. (I may or may not wear them, but it’s none of their business.)
I could go on but I’ll leave it at that.
He did not say you look like you’d put a few pounds on?! PLEASE tell me he didn’t? Oh gosh. You should have met up with him just to blog about it.
I always wonder where it comes from.
I think some guys just weren’t brought up right and can’t tell the difference between offensive and inoffensive.
I think some guys try out the technique of the “neg” which apparently works on some women (I have no idea why this would be effective). The concept of the “neg” was introduced by the “Mystery Method” (Google it if interested). The idea behind the neg is that males establish “dominance” by asserting that the female [victim] is somehow less than perfect and females swoon at the expression of confidence from the newly-perceived alpha-male (example: “I like your nails, are they real? They’re not? Oh too bad, they’re nice anyway.”) Anyway, if a man approaches a woman with sufficiently obliterated self-esteem, I suppose he sees that a “neg” at least attracts attention.
Maybe it’s related to the testosterone article DG published. Some men can’t control the hormonal impulses raging through their testosterone-laiden beings.
That said, meeting guys like this makes me grateful for the ones in my life who know what to do with themselves …
These guys are just jerks and you just met one online DG ! We can analyze and wonder, blame their upbringing or testosterone, but the bottom line is they are rude jerks who are Neanderthals. He would not be able to recognize a classy hat on a woman’s head to save his life. Stanley Kowalski meets Blanche 🙂
Ha ha — hey, some gals are weird too. I had a first meeting with a woman and we sat in the park on a warm summer day. She had a purse the size of a Sherman tank and the first thing she does is pull out three beers from the purse and started drinking. Then a bit later she pulls out a pipe and asks me if I want to get high.
At this point I was nervously planning my exit strategy. I’m thinking I’m alone in a park with a crazy woman who has already produced drugs and alcohol from her purse, so why not complete the trifecta by pulling out a gun? Yeah, she was making me nervous.
So then she asked me if it turned me on to watch a woman masturbate. Ye gods! I was about ready to say my goodbyes, but before I could get to that, she asked me if it bothered me that she hadn’t shaved her legs. She had long jeans on so I hadn’t even noticed. No, I said, I know women often go out without shaving every day. She said no, that’s not what it was. She had given up shaving entirely, and then she made me look as she rolled up her pants leg. Aiee! She had legs hairier than a burly trucker!
I will give her credit, though. She had a sense of timing. When I thought I had heard it all, she said, “And I don’t shave my pits either. Want to see?”
I believe at that point I fainted.
Mark’s story is almost unbelievable. It’s hard to think that any woman would be that low class as to behave that way. I think I would have left before she got to the masturbation part. :0 Blows my mind to envision this skanky woman.
I have had my share of men who said inappropriate things but one thing that almost all of my previous men had in common was once they knew they “had” me, they quit trying as hard and that also meant that they no longer cared if we went out to dinner and were just a tad too comfortable in allowing me to pay for dinners too early in the game. As an independent woman, I have always wanted to be fair about dating and not expect the guy to pay for everything, but in the beginning, I think it says a lot about a guy who lets a woman pay fairly early on in the dating relationship and also how gracious he is about it or how comfortable he is with it. Many of my online dating experiences (and even some not from that venue) all quit courting me WAY too soon in the dating game. They seemed to let outside stresses affect their ability to date someone and I always wound up with the short end of the stick. I have not dated anyone steady in well over a year and a half and I’m still gun shy about meeting anyone at this point. A lot of bad water under the bridge I guess.
P.S. I did think of something my last steady boyfriend used to say that really got to me. He used to make insinuations about how much money I made (because I work 2 jobs) and I think that was also why he was totally fine with me paying for dates. However, he also had the drinking problem, so a lot of what he said that seemed inappropriate I pawned off on the booze addiction. However, I think there is likely a big element even in the sober guy who might bluntly say things and not know or care if they sounded bad.
Mark, that must be a winner for a bad-date story. Horrific. Trust me, most of us women shave and do not hide booze in our purses LOL But you are right, there are “rough” men and women out there and whether we like to admit it or not, class distinctions still matter when it comes to finding someone compatible in life. That might sound snobby but its the truth.
She was a Craig’s List date, so I suppose that’s a cautionary tale. Also, it was sort of a spur of the moment meeting.
She emailed and I emailed back and she then immediately emailed me and asked if we could talk on the phone sometime. I said sure and emailed her my number. Five minutes later my phone rings and it’s her. We talked for about 10 minutes and as I was getting off the call, she said she was disappointed that I hadn’t asked to see her. I hadn’t because I barely knew her and I didn’t think she would want to meet so soon. So that led to us meeting that same day.
She was one of a kind. I haven’t really met any other women like her, and that’s a good thing.
It is surprising what people will tell you, though. At another first meeting a woman told me she smoked marijuana every day. And of course I’ve some first meetings where the woman talks my ear off telling me what a jerk her ex is. You’d think people would understand that it’s unattractive to talk someone down.
I also dated a woman who told me after a couple of dates that she was a practicing witch. That’s a bit scary. How do you break up with a witch? She might turn you into a toad!
«These guys are just jerks and you just met one online DG ! »
Anna:
I wish it were only *one* man, but these comments (and more!) were from different men! I just don’t understand how someone can get into his fifties and be so uncouth. But then I’m sure I have my own annoying habits that no one has told me about yet!
What is the magic age of maturity?
OK, I admit that I shouldn’t have set numbers in my mind, but I actually do. I have had to learn a lot of things the hard way in life. Likewise, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that I can learn from my friends’ mistakes. I also tend to believe that people say & do many things in their 20’s that they would not be caught dead doing by the time they reach 40.
By the time I was in my mid-late 30’s, I had already decided that I wanted to own my own home. I had lived in a small, one-bedroom apartment for many years before believing that I could actually buy a house of my own (without relying on someone to marry me to help finance one). I have worked 2 jobs for many years, but that has paid off. I bought a house in 2003 & hope to have it paid off in about 6 yrs. from now. I set some goals and while I don’t always meet all my goals, it gives me something to strive for – or along the way, I might find a different way to meet my goal.
What I have found with a lot of men (especially online guys) is that their maturity level seems to be stuck in that 20-something mindset. They don’t know what they want, they either have severe financial issues, commitment issues, or a substance addiction (like my last serious boyfriend). All of the guys I’m thinking about here are past 40. So, for a lot of guys, the 40-something years don’t seem to spur them to live their life differently or even reassess what might be wrong with their life or why they have not reached some goals in life. I see a lot of short-sightedness in a lot of men. It’s NOT an attractive quality. I just don’t know why emotional maturity & actual age do not match more with a lot of people. I’m sure there are women in that same category, but many of my dating experiences in the last 5-8 years have dealt with men who were not up to dating someone who actually acts & thinks like a level-headed 40-something woman.
DG, I am truly sorry to hear that you had more than one jerk making rude comments, or uncouth as you say. And yes they should have had some of their rougher edges worn off as they get into their fifties. In terms of maturity its amazing the amount of people full stop out there who behave like children. I manage a team of 22 people and I am one of the youngest and they are a bunch of fifty-somethings who act like teenagers. I am forever dealing with them as I deal with my own children (who are actual teens!). So the overall percentage of immature people seems to be too high for comfort.
I received the comment, “Your hair is more fun to touch than to look at,” when I was working at a rigorous outdoor job in the hot desert and had a quite short cut for comfort. Ouch. I know he was just trying to be honest-but-kind; I do keep it a bit longer now.
When I was dating, I met a guy in a local bar from a personal ad. He looked me up and down in 5 seconds, looked at his watch, then back at me and said, “I’ve got 5 minutes, what do you want to drinkl?) I was so shocked, instead of walking out or saying something nasty in return, I decided a drink would be perfect right about then. True to his word he left quickly for which I was grateful.
I walked back to my car, started feeling upset and then remembered something really important. I was a great catch and this guy just missed out. As far as I was concerned, he didn’t know what was good and I was lucky he didn’t waste my time. Plus, I had a date with a new guy the next night!
DG – while what people say can be appauling, keep the faith that you will find love and keep moving. You are one step closer.
I dated a guy a few times who asked me on our first date if I was a “cryer or a screamer”–in the context of complaining about women he’d dated previously/his ex wife where were too emotional for him, apparently. I was wondering if it was a red flag, but it quickly became moot because there were so many other reasons not to keep seeing him! For example, he also mentioned several times in general conversation that I shouldn’t be surprised if I hear he’s in jail for punching this woman at his workplace … (OMG!)!
Another guy I met online asked me to marry him on our first date. uh, no?
A different guy I met online felt it was appropriate on our first date to complain at length about all the “ugly, fat, pathetic women” on the dating site, and then he leered at me and made a crude sexual remark. I ignored him and signaled for the waiter so I could get the check—at which point my date said, “Didn’t you hear me? That was a compliment! You’re hot!”
And then there’s another guy I went on one date with–met him also on an online dating site. He talked a lot about how I looked so good “on paper”, but then he didn’t follow up with anything more…………..way to Fail, Dude! He also didn’t ask for my number–he just gave me his and asked me to call him.
And a guy who asked me (twice! in one first/only dinner date) “what do you do again?”
And my favorite first date Fail: “Check out my blue jeans! They’re distressed and so hip–don’t they look great?” and he did a little twirl. G-A-Y!!!
I appreciate the horror stories. It’s comforting to know that disappointments happen to most people when it comes to dating. But, it also reminds me of why I haven’t done online dating in several years. I wasn’t up to the disappointment and let-downs with it. I’m sure it has worked for some people, but I still consider myself extremely burned from my online experiences.
Mitsy–I know online dating leads to a lot of duds, but I can’t say I found my string of strange first date stories all that upsetting.
Sure, it’s kind of a waste of time, but I try to keep a sense of the humor about the situation. I find it helps to imagine that you’re in a sitcom—so if things get weird or offensive, just cue the laugh track! I call up my sister after first dates to share& discuss or laugh at all the details.
Most of the people I met on match.com were decent. I even dated one guy I met on Match for almost a year but ultimately it didn’t work out. I met the strangest men while using an expensive executive dating service–so much for using money/income to rule out the weirdos! I think emailing with a guy before meeting him is much better for screening out the un-dateables.
Still, I also gave up with the dating service & online dating. I’ve had better luck dating men I meet at church or through work.
I have found that most single men in my area do not attend church. I don’t hang out at the bars either, so I have found it hard to meet new guys. I am also so bruised by some of my dating experiences that I would not be very trusting again. I don’t know–might take a very long time for me to muster the courage to even consider going out with someone again. I’d rather be lonely than dealing with the pitfalls of dating…at least for now.
It is true that not many single guys attend church. I only met one guy there and we didn’t hit it off (he was too churchy for me–LOL!). But at least he wasn’t a weirdo or offensive.
I dated 2 guys from my workplace (which is a very large corporate-type place and they work in different departments / buildings–I would never risk dating someone I had to see every day!).
But with both men from work, I basically had to ask them out for the first time. (These were both divorced professional men in the 55-60 age range; I was 47- 48 also divorced). I dated one guy for 5 months and the other (starting over a year later) for 7 months (& still going!). With both men, we ended up overlapping on some work projects and got to know each other that way, and they were clearly flirting a little—but then I waited, and waited, and they didn’t ask for a date (!). Which was really annoying, frankly. After months of flirting and even a couple of ambiguous one-on-one super casual “let’s catch lunch together” non-dates, I suggested that we should do something outside of work and that broke the ice. Both men just needed a little nudge–and much later they both told me that they’d have never taken the first move .
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http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/08/AR2008040802046.html?referrer=facebook
Karen, I find it interesting that you mentioned these guys flirting with you but not asking you out. I have asked men out with similar type scenarios. While they seemed to have a good time on our dinner or whatever we did, they usually did not bother to make plans again later. I think casual flirting is one thing, but it seems like there is another segment of men who flirt and act interested in a woman but it’s all games, ya know? Sort of like they get an ego-boost but don’t want to make the effort to get to know the woman any better. Laziness? I don’t know. I just know I won’t ask another guy out again because it’s never panned out in the long run. It makes me think of my plumber guy who ate dinner with me at my house and then ran for the door after staying 4-5 hours & mumbled something about “doing this again sometime” only to never call or see me again. It was a very bad deal, although telling it, it sounds like a great Saturday Night Live skit. I was interested in the guy and my Mom sort of set us up. However, it was like he was hard up for a meal and that was basically it. He acted like an immature high schooler in the end. So, I have not mustered the courage to ask a guy out in a very long time.
Yeah, Mitsy, I agree– it sucks having to ask a man out. But I still think it’s worth doing. I know from experience that there are some middle aged men out there who have just given up asking, and they love it if a woman expresses interest.
Also, I have to agree it’s fair–asking someone out is an ego risk for anyone–why should all the risk be on the man’s side? I think they oftentimes ask out a woman and she isn’t interested in pursuing the relationship after the first date (I’ve done that, myself–I might go out once with a guy just to give him a chance, but if there’s no evidence of a connection on the date after that I just say “no”).
I admire you for having the courage to go for it!
Another thing to consider–the man might just be really really clueless. I mean, unbelievably so. And you might have to keep “making the first move” for awhile. For example, I almost gave up on the (really wonderful!) man I’m dating now, because after I asked him to my house for dinner (where we had a great time and did a lot of making out, too!), I was just astonished that after that he still didn’t take the initiative to ask me out next. I really liked him, so I kept suggesting we get together and we did every few weeks. Finally after 3 months of this (and lots of fun times and great sex) but him still never initiating anything I got mad and sent him an email basically telling him that I was fed up and couldn’t he tell I really liked him and I’d like to be asked out sometime and what was his problem?!? It turns out he was just really REALLY out of practice dating and also that he still had trouble believing I was really seriously interested in him (he’d just gotten out of a really bad 30 year marriage, his self-esteem was really bad, and he hadn’t dated since high school & had no idea what was expected these days).
I’m so glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt and kept on pursuing him—we’ve been together for 9 months & now he asks me to do stuff all the time and we’re talking marriage someday. I think perhaps there are lots of middle aged men like him who aren’t especially social and who don’t understand about dating expectations and never read advice books or websites.
Damn I’m late in getting in on this one {sorry DG I’ve been in NYC partying like its 2999, cuz 1999 was a big letdown, the world didn’t end at all, global sanity ended but not the world}.
Mark, one question…WTF is up with you and Craigslist dude? Really.
What was the local soup kitchen closed? Dude, I’ve said this a milli times Craigslist is for desperate dudes wanting a crazy chick or a pro.
(Just razzing you dude but seriously, delete your Craigslist personals bookmark)
I had a talk recently with a lady friend of mine. I told her that lots of times women get emotional and tend to over think the hell out of the things while men fail to think at all. Misty, know your worth. If you do then how can bad dates deter you from going on other dates.
Ok, you went out on some bad dates, get over it. You picked a jerk. Get over it. But don’t let that stop you from looking for what you want.
Or just become the cat lady in your neighborhood and be happy.
Ladies, Guys are immature. But you know this to be a fact so why are you surprised that there are a lot of simple minded dudes?
Sure some ladies may have a ‘tude with what I’m bout to say, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is pretty true on the most part.
We {Guys} are what we are, simple minded, sex crazed, immature at times, pricks. But you know this already.
Women want relationships…Men want sex and if the way to that is a relationship, so be it and sometimes love is found through that.
Lets talk about it and be real: True or false
1) Women think of marriage as the beginning of the rest of their lives.
2) Men think of marriage as the end of their lives.
A man will say, “Hell I’ve done everything I wanted to…now I can get married and die happy”. If you think about this you know what I’m saying is true.
Sorry let me get back to DG: DO you wear granny panties?
Lol, jk….’cause I know you only wear thongs.
Craig’s List can be ok. It’s free, which means the gates are down, but Plenty of Fish and OKCupid are also free.
I met a really nice woman on CL and we had a nice six-month relationship. I have used OKCupid, POF, and Yahoo Personals, and my CL GF was my best result from all of my online dating.
When I use CL I post an ad, and it’s an interesting ad. For example, I posted an ad entitled “Peanut Butter and Bowling Balls” that was about my trip to the Humane Society to see if my lost kitty had turned up. I told a story that did include peanut butter and bowling balls, and it had a happy ending — my kitty was there — and I got a good response to my ad.
The CL ad that landed me my very nice, very kind six month GF was a poem I like that’s contemporary and obscure and I ended my ad with this comment: “If you find this interesting, you might find me interesting.” I got one response, the woman I ended up dating. That was a nice relationship I will always remember. Hey, all you need is one good response!
So CL can work, but you have to distinguish yourself in some way.
I am going to be a bit self-indulgent here, so forgive me. I found the CL ad that got me a good response, and thought I’d post it:
BOWLING BALLS AND PEANUT BUTTER
Ok, about the title. My cat ran away a couple of days ago — bolted out the door when I was carrying in groceries. So last night I got worried when she didn’t come back, and this morning I was mourning her, thinking she’s gone for good. I try a longshot — go to the Humane Society. They take me into the room with the lost and misfit cats and lo and behold, there was my kitty! I couldn’t believe it! I was so happy. Because you see, it’s just me and kitty against the world these days, and I was worried I was going to have to face the world without my pet who keeps climbing on the desk and trying to lay on the keyboard as a I type. Sometimes she’s a bit much, but I’m glad to have her back.
So anyway, while I was there at the Humane Society, I noticed a big pile of bowling balls, maybe 30-40. That’s odd, I thought. I don’t think they have a bowling alley here — alley cats maybe, but not alley bowling, so to speak. Then I saw right next to the bowling balls a giant pile of peanut butter jars. So I had to ask.
Turns out they stuff peanut butter into the bowling ball holes and then give them to the pit bulls, because bowling balls are about the only thing those pit bulls can’t chew up. Heh.
So the point of all this is that I got lucky and got my kitty back, and if I got lucky that way, maybe I can get lucky with Craig’s List. And even if I don’t, for some strange reason I’m in the mood to go bowling. After I eat a peanut butter sandwich.
—
That was it! I got a couple of dates out of that, but nothing long-term.