Full-court press

by Dating Goddess on September 3, 2011

While most women appreciate attention and a man expressing his interest, sometimes there can be too much too soon. Then it feels smothering or borderline stalking.

This week a new man contacted me from a dating site. He met the minimum requirements and seemed interesting, although he’s geographically undesirable. But I was intrigued enough to respond.

Quickly he sent me a long missive detailing more of his life than I really needed or cared to know at this point. He asked questions, some of which I choose not to answer because it would have taken too long to type. He offered his phone number and said he’d gladly call me if I preferred.

The next day I responded with my number, telling him I was traveling and would be available after 8 p.m. the next day. So imagine my surprise when he called the same day during a layover between flights. I had things to do during this time, so I was a little annoyed he didn’t wait until I’d said I’d be available, nor did he ask if this was a good time to chat.

I was polite, but quickly excused myself telling him I had to get some things done in the terminal before my next flight.

He gave me the link to his Internet sports radio show and asked me to listen to a few of the previous shows. I listened to one, and was put off by his profanity and anger-laced commentary.

When I got home, I was exhausted and went to bed. He called and woke me up. I let it go to voice mail. When I listened to it the next day, he said he’d hoped I’d gotten home safely.

When I checked my email, there was a press release from him ranting about some current sports issue. I skimmed the release and saw it had the same angry tone as his radio show. While I appreciate passion for one’s work, when that crosses the line into anger, it’s unappealing.

This man seems needy and desperate. I’m not interested in getting involved with someone with anger issues and no healthy sense of appropriateness or boundaries. This one will have to shower his attention on someone with more patience or interest.

Have you had someone put a full-court press on you? How did you let him know it was too much too fast?

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Walker September 4, 2011 at 5:11 am

I’ve had men rush and I take that as a bad sign from the beginning. In my experience if they offer their phone number early on, then I know they don’t have very good boundaries. I send them a nice email telling them I wouldn’t call that soon and suggest we exchange a few emails first. By putting a bit of distance between us I can see if he’s really interested in me.
I never give my phone number out until I’ve had a chat or two. I make the first call and I block my number, for just the reasons you’ve listed here!

Brenda September 4, 2011 at 7:38 am

yes, the full-court press is a bad sign indeed. I was the recipient of the full court press by a Delta pilot who I ended up dating about 2 months. He started the same way, very lengthy emails, requesting answers to very deep questions even before we met; and when I did not respond to them, he became very insistent, even though I handled him with good humor.

I saw that he was a very controlling obsessive man. While that works for those who pilot our planes, it doesn’t work at all in a relationship.

No thank you!

Judy September 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Guys who come on strong in the beginning make me nervous. They eventually fizzle, and more often than not become upset when you don’t match their enthusiasm.

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach September 6, 2011 at 8:49 am

As a dating coach for women over 40, I call men in a hurry “Romance Junkies”. They often pour it on thick to win you over, then disappear as fast as they showed up. It can be incredibly heart breaking and disappointing and happens more often than you might think.

I’ve written a lot on this topic, having lived through it myself which gives me a good deal of empathy for my clients. Here’s a post on how to avoid this kind of guy: http://www.nevertoolate.biz/?p=2808

themodernfemme September 7, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I think whether or not you are a man or a woman too much attention at the very beginning is very unattractive. To me it says that you view yourself as someone who has no value and fears loss.

Karen September 10, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I agree– a “desperate” guy is really a guy to avoid.

But I don’t worry about a guy who gives me his phone number early. Instead I view that as him being honest about his life (ie it shows he’s really single). It’s the guys who “only” want email communication that I think you have to watch out for–they’re often married and just want a little fun on the side on the computer, they’d never risk a woman actually calling them at any random time when their main squeeze might catch on!

Just because I have a guy’s number and we can talk on the phone does not mean that I imagine we’re dating hot and heavy–there’s still a lot of getting to know you stuff that has to happen. I just think it’s nice to talk rather than email.

I also am in favor of meeting in person as soon as possible after contacting them online, for a drink or coffee—because if there’s no chemistry, what’s the point of emailing back and forth for a long timefirst? If he doesn’t like the way I look, it won’t matter if he likes my emails (and vice versa from my perspective). I don’t view meeting in person as a major romantic commitment–it’s just a meeting (always in a public place of course for a while). I’ve met many men who seemed fairly “normal” over email but who, when I met them in person, were 1) lying about their age/weight and/or 2) were totally different from how they presented themselves online–not what I’m looking for.

Suzy Weiss September 20, 2011 at 6:59 am

Hey Goddess,

Great topic.

I think the essence here is how do we ‘qualify’ potential dates without prejudging them incorrectly (and missing out on a great guy) and on the other hand not waste time with losers, liars, game players and bad matches.

The guy you describe did seem to exhibit an odd approach to making a positive impression and to use a baseball analogy, you gave him ample opportunity to strike out:

1. Called you at a time other than what you said would be good for you. (strike 1)
2. He did not ask if this was a good time to talk. (strike 2)
3. He gives you link to his Internet sports radio show (strike 3 & strike 4)
Many women are not into sports and he is confusing his ‘work’ with his personal life maybe he does not have a personal life)
4. Sent email of a press release (strike 5)
Again ‘work’ vs personal life disconnect
5. Anger and profanity in the examples of ‘his work’ that he shared with you (strike 6)

Glad to hear you let this one ‘walk’.

I think you pretty much summed it up with, “no healthy sense of appropriateness”.

Suzy Weiss
Dating Coach for Women Over 40

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