When he said he wanted to fly in to meet me, we didn’t intend for it to be a chaperoned event. But it ended up being one — with two escorts!
Thanks to a friend’s largesse, my date and I were invited to accompany him and another friend to a professional basketball team, for which he had comp tickets. So my two friends ended up being the equivalent of my brothers, checking out my date by trying to engage him in conversation. Unfortunately, my date was more interesting on the phone than in person so his flippant and one-word responses to my friends’ conversation starters stopped any attempt to bring him into the discussion.
While I don’t recommend it for a first date, your friends’ interactions with your date tell you volumes that you don’t see when it’s just the two of you. Yes, alone I noticed his lack of eye contact or any apparent interest in knowing anything about me. But it was even more glaring watching him with my friends. They graciously tried to include him and draw him into discussions (I love them for doing this!), yet he seemed bent on staying an outsider. Was he threatened by their clear camaraderie with me and each other? Our easy laughing and joking with each other? This is common friend behavior and if he couldn’t allow himself to be engaged, then he’s not the guy for me.
What have you learned about someone you’ve begun to date by their interactions (or lack thereof!) with your friends?
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Comments
10 responses to “First date — with two chaperones!”
Three vs. one. Wow, that’s rough. Not only did he have to impress you but also two other complete strangers. Pretty tall order. Did he know that there would be two other people present on this date? Were your two friends male or female? If they were females, he probably felt like he was under a microscope. If they were males, he probably felt put on the spot, unsure of where he stood in the pecking order. How do you think you would’ve fared if the situation were reversed? Three of his (guy) friends and you, all together for the first meeting? What ever happened to your advice of keeping the first meeting to a coffee date?
Chase: It didn’t appear he was trying to impress anyone! Yes, he knew there would be others when he asked if I could get another ticket so he could accompany me to the game. My friends were male — very welcoming, engaging males, not confrontational. How could he not understand where he stood in the pecking order since he was my date and they were my friends? If the situation was reversed and his friends were as inclusive and friendly as mine, I would have done swimmingly! But I tend to be communicative and adaptive in most situations.
And if he hadn’t flown in from cross country, I would have preferred to keep a first encounter to coffee. If he were local, we would have departed after an hour or so and that would have been it. But since he’d flown 5 hours and he wasn’t obnoxious, I felt giving him more time was appropriate.
Since I’m typing this, this will sound worse than how it’s intended. The guy may have decided to act that way because he didn’t want to try. It may have just been a choice. And this is not a man bashing statement at all. We know men and women think differently… he may not have cared about being communicative and adaptive.
Sorry DG, I am with Chase on this one. You mentioned he was more interesting on the phone therefore he may have been completely taken aback at going on a date with you and two men-friends and so quite annoyed, hence the short answers. Not many men could handle that scenario very well. Your friends do sound like they were friendly and pleasant and I am sure if it were later on in the dating relationship it would have been fun. But a first date?
ps I love your blog, this is my first participation here so don’t hold my comments against me, please!
Hi all: I guess I should have been clearer. My date *asked* me to get him a ticket to this event, knowing ahead of time that there would be others with us!
If someone went out of their way to get a $100 ticket to something I asked to attend, I would bend over backwards to be cordial, even if it was uncomfortable for me. This man is in a public contact business where he interacts with hundreds of people every day for work. So he’s not a recluse. He just chose to be somewhat surly.
I like to keep it to a couple of emails, then one phone conversation before meeting. No matter how great the emails and phone conversations, all that flys out the window in an instant if it doesn’t work face to face, and usually results in never speaking again. Since it involves something so personal and serious (hoping to meet a very special person), I play it more conservative. Once we meet face to face and there’s a mutual attraction, then all systems go from there.
If it’s not dating related, I enjoy meeting and talking to people. I seem to have more energy for that. When it comes to something this personal, then it’s a whole different ball game. I see the initial contacts as nothing more than an introduction. A vehicle to get to where we need to be before we can determine if there can be anything more – meeting each other.
Ah well in that case, as he knew in advance and actually asked you for the ticket……….then yes his attitude was poor. He should have been pleasant at the very least….and I do mean the least.
<<<So my two friends ended up being the equivalent of my brothers, checking out my date by trying to engage him in conversation<<<
I was actually thinking about this and came back to post. Maybe he somehow ‘got it’ that he was being checked out, no matter how friendly it all seemed. Something bugged him. Or, may be none of the above of course. If it were me I would ask him just so I know… I’d email and say something like ‘obviously this didnt work out. Wondering if you wouldn’t mind telling me what it was that didnt work for you, just so I know for myself’… something like that. I would want to know, and since you DG posed some questions, why not ask him. Hope I’m not overstepping blog rules with this post.
This sounds like a catch 22 if you ask me. Sure, graciousness might not have been his strong point, especially if he knew that other people would be there. He might have decided it really wasn’t worth it trying to chit-chat with strangers he might never see again. And the reality of how awkward the whole thing was didn’t hit him until he was in it and “there”, ya know? He may not have any idea he came off badly. However, I think this would not be a good scenario for a first date. You certainly can’t get to know someone with 2 chaperons along. Next time, no matter how tickets are acquired, free or not, do not take anyone else along on a first date. The guy may or may not have turned out to be a toad even if it were just the 2 on the date, but with FOUR on a date? I’d say that wasn’t the best way to start out.
I’ve had guys email me just to tell me they think I’m pretty, and have had most guys I was meeting want a second date…
AND…..fast forward a few years after a bout with arthritis and weight gain, I had a guy end our date after 1 minute because I was heavier than my picture by about 30 lbs actually… I asked him what was wrong and he said he thought I would be momre petite.. and we had a great phone conversation. It all changed once he saw me….so I’ve done the online thing with no extra weight, and with extra weight… and when I was doing it as a thin girl, many men told me how disappointed they were when they met someone who didnt look the way they expected. Some men really get P.O.’d if you don’t… it happened to me once!
I hope this isn’t too off topic to say to anyone who dates online, remember that the person who is meeting you really is expecting you to look like your pic. There are a few who are more willing to accept a little fudging, but I would not take that chance. I’d rather have them look at a realistic picture and just move on without contacting me than go through that on a date or go through having them not contact me again because they were disappointed in how I looked.