Have you ever daydreamed about an old sweetheart from decades ago? What’s he up to now? Is he single? What’s he look like? If you connected, would the spark still be there?

My cousin reconnected with his high school love during their 40th reunion. They had remained close after they broke up in high school, even being in the wedding party for each other’s first marriages! They had lost touch and hit it off again instantly at the reunion. Both were single again. She said she’d love to keep in touch, so he called the next week. The 10-hour drive didn’t keep them apart. He began to woo her and a year later, they were married.

Years ago, when I was married, I got a call from a man I lived with for a year right out of college. He sounded just as stoned as he generally was when we were together, but he was 40 when he called, divorced and with a child. I had no interest in seeing him again.

I also heard from a college sweetheart about a decade ago. He is 8 years older than me, but when he sent his picture, I didn’t recognize him. He looked so *old*! Solid gray hair and beard, significant weight gain. I wondered what he’d think of how his 21-year-old love had turned out.

A man I had a crush on in high school recently looked at my profile on Match.com. He’s still good looking and has a successful business. I waited a few days and since he didn’t connect, I sent him a friendly, “let’s catch up” email. He responded, but no overture to get together. He’s looked at my profile several times since, but I won’t be initiating contact again. I remember him as a good guy with an easy smile. I am curious to see if he has the same solid character he did as a teenager.

Have you considered rekindling a relationship with a high school or college sweetie? Have you ever actually met with someone you went with then? If so, what happened?

________________

Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? Order yours today!

A long-time reader asked me to address a sensitive, yet not uncommon midlife dating issue — middle-aged sex and erectile dysfunction.

He asks, “How do you handle an attempt at sex that doesn’t work? How do you decide if this is a man you want to continue to see or is this a red flag?”

Can we talk? We are adults so we’re going to use adult words.

There is lots written about Viagra and ED, but what I’ve read is mostly written for long-time partners where there is a strong bond and, one would hope, a willingness to discuss this sort of thing and find a solution that works for both parties.

However, in dating, even after dating a while, there may not be that bond. Which then complicates the matter.

Men, in my experience, equate their masculinity to their ability to satisfy their woman in bed. (Or at least to do what he thinks satisfies his woman, whether it actually does or not.) In fact, some women feel similarly — if a man can’t satisfy her in bed, he’s not fully a man, even if he takes care of the family financially, contributes equally to family chores, is active in family activities, and otherwise shows he’s an emotionally mature partner.

So a man’s ability to perform in bed takes on enormous weight — sometimes for both partners.

If he has some instances of ED there is more pressure. He knows he may not be able to get or keep an erection. He feels like a failure. He may blame the woman for not being sexy enough, or for not trying to arouse him, even though she has done her “job” in these areas previously. A beau broke up with me soon after his inability to perform. I got the impression he blamed me for this, even though I tried to be supportive.

So they go in search of the magic pill — this time a blue one. They think this will suddenly make him an unquenchable sex machine. After all the commercials say something about erections lasting more than 4 hours — “Think of all the fun we could have in 4 hours!” one or both of them fanaticize.

What they don’t know is that the blue pill works with some men and not others. A former beau told me he had ED and so we tried Viagra. Didn’t work. My beau felt like a horrible failure. It really affected his self-esteem.

Also, it’s expensive. The aforementioned DG reader said he bought a 10-pill prescription for $220! So it’s the price of a movie for the two of you. Not too bad, unless your $22 habit is every day and you are out of a job right now.

Both parties seem to expect miracles. One or both of them think he just pops it and within minutes he has his 19-year-old libido back. Well, it doesn’t increase desire. It doesn’t cause an erection. All it does is allow more blood to flow into the penis, but a man still needs to feel aroused. In many cases Viagra is needed simply because there has been vascular damage and blood flow is diminished.

Some men wonder if a women might think if he needs Viagra to have sex, he isn’t attracted to her. If a woman is astute, she understands the biology of the situation. If she isn’t, she may take it personally and feel he’s not into her enough for her to arouse him without the aid.

So what to do if you’re dating someone who isn’t able to perform? If you are connected enough to attempt the horizontal tango, you should be connected enough to talk about it sensitively and supportively. Tell him you know this is uncomfortable for most men and you wouldn’t mind at all experimenting with some pharmaceutical aid. If appropriate, offer to split the cost, although be careful as some men will find that adding insult to injury. So know your man before offering and don’t if you think he’ll be even more humiliated.

This would also be a great time to bring up your own needs, if you haven’t yet. Midlife women often need help to either get in the mood or make the experience more satisfying. Speak up so he knows he’s not the only one who could use some other aids.

This discussion will most likely bring you closer together. If it doesn’t and he gets defensive or goes poof, oh well. You’ve saved yourself from further involvement with a man who’s not emotionally mature enough to talk about solutions to issues around aging. You don’t want to spend another nanosecond of your precious time with someone like that.

Have you been in a relationship where ED was present? How did you and your partner discuss and deal with it? What worked and what didn’t?

__________________

Want to know what else you should know before venturing into midlife sex? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Weeks ago my friend mentioned his brother was coming into town for a few days to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My pal said he’d like his brother to meet me. “You’ll like him” he declared. Since I like my pal a lot, I thought if his brother is like him, yes I would enjoy that.

The weeks passed without further mention of this – no invitation to join them on any outing; no set time to rendezvous.

A few evenings ago, I heard my friend’s familiar doorbell ring pattern beckoning me to answer. There he was, with said brother, saying they’d just gone to the market and did I want to come over for dinner. Normally, I’d jump at an offer for someone else’s cooking, but I’d just taken my week’s dinners off the grill. Since I had abundance, I offered for them to join me for dinner.

The brother was shorter than me, lived an 8-hour drive away and immediately began calling me “Sweetie,” something I deplore as a sooner-than-earned privilege. I endured his turning the conversation back to himself throughout dinner, and in the course of the discussion, learned he was single. They invited me to join them the next day, along with my friend’s girlfriend, for the birthday dinner, saying how much fun I’d have and how they’d love to have me there.

Now the brother’s occasional flirts began to make sense! My friend was trying to fix us up!

It felt like in college, coupled friends suggested I go along with them and a guy friend of theirs to an outing. It wasn’t as if they thought we’d be a good match; just someone to entertain their pal so they wouldn’t feel awkward being a couple with him. Rarely did these events go well. Generally, they were excruciating. I put up with someone either too shy to be engaging, clearly disinterested in getting to know me despite my trys to start conversations, or too aggressively horny to keep his hands to himself.

So I declined the brother’s invitation for the next day. I wondered if I was being selfish to not want to share in my friend’s birthday activities. But then I thought, if it were important to him for me to be there, he would have asked beforehand.

Have you been fixed up by a friend? How did it go?

_____________________

My recent interview with Speeddate.com is now available for reading.

Hi Dating Goddess,

I’m dating someone I’m very attracted to, and we have lots of good chemistry on a variety of levels. The only issue I feel the need to question is the way she kisses.

When I move in close to kiss her, she appears to retreat within herself and becomes passively accepting. She barely moves a muscle to kiss me back, so I feel like I’m kissing someone who is asleep. I’ve tried kissing her all kinds of ways — soft & hard, lips & tongue, dry & wet, shallow & deep, high & low, short & long, and yet she just doesn’t reciprocate. She’s otherwise a very sensitive and sensual person, and she says that connection and intimacy are important to her. She says she quite likes me and that she’s turned on when we kiss.

I had a therapist once who said this kind of behavior could be indicative of some kind of previous sexual abuse, so I wonder if that could be something. We haven’t been dating long, so it’s entirely possible she hasn’t told me of some traumatic experience in her past. Or maybe she’s just shy or just doesn’t like the way I kiss.

Equal participation and reciprocation is important to me in all areas of a relationship, and I feel that passive kissing is generally a bad sign that a person is not assertive enough to handle their side of the equation. It may be too early to have that discussion with her, but it’s the backdrop of why this is important to me.

I want to address this passive kissing before we go much further. I’m able to bring up “difficult” topics, I just don’t know how to approach this one. My first guess says be straight-forward and positive, “I enjoy kissing you, and I would love it if you kissed me back.” But that sounds kinda blunt.

Another approach is potentially invasive, “I notice that when I kiss you, you seem to freeze up. I’m wondering where you go when that happens and what your thoughts are.”

Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks!

William

Hi William:

How about starting just a tad softer with something like, “I love the sensuality of kissing and get quite turned on when my woman also seems to enjoy it. What’s your perspective on kissing?” Then you’re inviting her to share. You can even say, “What kind of kissing do you like?”

I’ve dated men who’s kisses didn’t turn me on or that actually turned me off. I said to one man overtly, “Let me show you how I like to be kissed.” That lasted a little while, but then we stopped seeing each other, but it wasn’t only about kissing.

So if you like her and feel it’s worth the effort, open the conversation!

DG

Readers, what advice do you have for William?

______________________

For more info on dealing with challenging difficult dating situations, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A recent article shared conclusions from researchers at UC Berkeley’s School of Information. The paper “Self-presentation and Deception in Online Dating” found pretty much what we’ve known all along. For example:

• Men are more likely to make the first move, sending that first “wink” or email. They’re quicker to respond to women’s queries.
• Women responded to only 16 percent of messages, and they take longer to respond.
• Both genders seek partners similar to themselves in age, education, height, religion, politics and views about smoking.
• Women are less open-minded, at least regarding ethnicity. They’re twice as likely as men to specify that they’re seeking someone of their own ethnicity.
• Both sexes tell white lies. Men say they are a half-inch taller. Women shave five pounds off their weight.
• Women’s profiles related more to home, sex and emotions; men’s profiles talked about work.
• A photograph is the dominant predictor of whether men will connect. Women value narratives in profiles in addition to pictures.

Some of this information was garnered by content analysis of people’s actual online behavior. They tracked people’s actions (who initiated contact, how long it took to respond, words in profiles). But they must have interviewed daters to get the info on what was attractive in a profile, their true height and how much they really weighed.

In another study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by a team from Harvard Business School, Boston University and MIT, the conclusion was that less is more in how much is shared in a profile. Their reasoning: when a lot of information is exchanged, more differences are exposed and there is less attraction.

Now this conclusion I found interesting. I am not drawn to men who say nearly nothing in their profiles. I want to know what’s important to them.It is true that some of them disclose things that prompt an immediate delete but I think that is good that I don’t waste time on people who share something I find repelling. I share a lot in my profile, even though I know most men don’t read much of a woman’s profile. I want those who do to know as much about me as can be shared in a written essay.

What do you think of these two studies? Anything here but common sense?
__________________

Want information on how to be successful with online dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

In midlife dating, we repeatedly hear, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” At this point in our lives most of us have wrinkles, sags and perhaps even some scars or skin discolerations. Yet it takes a lot, usually, to look beyond the surface image.

So what do you do when someone has a facial feature that absorbs much of your attention? How do you see the person who lies beneath?

I recently had the opportunity to share a small-group dinner table conversation with a man who deals with this every day.

Ngahi Bidois

Ngahi Bidois is a New Zealand Maori motivational speaker. His face is mostly covered with an intricate traditional Maori  tattoo called ta moko.

At first, I found myself stealing glances not wanting to stare. But in a small group, I could look closely at the pattern while he conversed with others. However, I noticed how quickly my fascination with his facial tattoo waned and soon I began to focus on his expressive and soft brown eyes and engaging smile. His spirit, heart, humor and intelligence emerged delightfully. In no time, I found I didn’t even notice the inked design.

In “Yummy is as yummy does” I talk about how a man’s attractiveness increases as his kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and caring emerge. He may not be traditionally handsome, but becomes yummier as a special personality is revealed. Yet, most of us don’t have to put this concept to the test as frequently as Ngahi does.

Sometimes I can remember to look beyond the surface, but I admit I also fall prey to deleting online profiles of men who sound good when reading their description, but their pictures aren’t “my type.” It’s a common complaint that daters don’t give others a chance if they don’t look appealing. It’s also a common fear that when you meet someone for that first coffee encounter, they will turn on their heel without even saying hello once they see you.

Ngahi is a great reminder of how we can miss out on a treasure if we make too-quick decisions based on only surface signs. By the end of dinner, I was marveling at how handsome he was. (He’s married, so not a potential date, but the lesson is still a good one.)

____________________

To better understand how dating midlife men is different, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

On our first date, as we walked to his car, he said, “I’ll open the door for you, but don’t get used to this.”

I asked why.

“Because I don’t usually open the door for women. In six months, I will have stopped and you’ll think something is wrong. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just not my habit to open the door for a woman. And I’m too old to develop new habits.”

“I know from our conversations that you are a man who strives for personal continuous improvement. So if you were really into a woman and your opening the door for her was important to her, I bet you’d work to make that a habit.”

“That’s true” he admitted. “But I’ve learned not to over promise on things that just aren’t in my nature to keep up over time. It creates expectations that I’m not likely to meet. And that creates disappointment.”

“That makes sense. You don’t want to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“Exactly. For example, I’ve learned to give only a 10-minute massage. I used to give an hour, but then the woman would expect an hour’s massage each time. I can do 10 minutes frequently, but I can’t do an hour.”

I appreciated his candor, even though I also appreciate chivalry. It made me wonder about what each of us does early on in a relationship that is for show — to ingratiate ourselves to the other. I looked back on my own behaviors to see how I can be different in the early stages of a relationship than after we’ve been together a while.

In all honesty, I think I’ve been nicer in the early stages, not saying when something bothered me. I don’t know if it was insecurity that the guy might not like me, or just feeling that it wasn’t polite to say something. Now I’m more confident and more assertive. I don’t put up with the BS I used to.

What have you observed yourself doing — or not doing — that you changed as you got to know someone? Have you purposefully learned to not try to be someone you’re not when you know you’ll revert to your true self in short order? Have you experienced someone who put on behaviors at first, but then dropped them as you got to know each other?

___________________

Want to know more about what to expect when reentering the dating pool? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“I will only date a woman who video chats” my tech-savvy friend declared.

“What if she is like me, and doesn’t video chat because no one looks good webcasting?”

“It would take a lot for me to want to start dating a woman who doesn’t do video.”

“Some of us are too vain!”

“Let me ask you this: would video chatting have prevented you from wasting a lot of time talking to men who, when you met them, looked nothing like their pictures?”

“Of course. There are those who post only pictures from decades ago.”

“And when you met them, didn’t you wonder about their judgment to post decades-old pics, but not recent ones, thinking they still looked like that?”

“Absolutely!”

“Did any of those men who didn’t match their pics ever make it beyond a coffee date?”

“No.”

“There you have it!”

“However, I will also say I’ve eliminated men who one-way video chatted with me because they let their hair down, so to speak. Maybe I was being too picky.”

“Or maybe you were saving yourself several hours of meeting someone who would go nowhere.”

“But no one looks good on video chat! The lighting is bad, the angle is bad. I don’t want to have to do my hair and makeup every time someone wants to video chat!”

“But look at the time it would save you from meeting up with men who aren’t appealing!”

I guess my friend is right. But I’m still not keen on suggesting it. I’ve had men ask me if I’ll video chat and I’ve always declined. Some of them have chatted one way, which is a little odd. It’s not too bad if you’ve already met and have an idea of what they look like in person.

What do you think about video chatting before meeting? Good idea or bad?
_________________

For more info on ways to determine if you should meet, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates,

Bulging biceps. Chiseled pecs. Taut tushes.

The gym is part of their daily regimen.

They look great in — or out of — their clothes.

I describe these guys as”hunkalicious.”

Sometimes the only muscles they’ve developed are below the neck. Holding an extended conversation about anything of intellectual value is a challenge.

But sometimes they have the whole package. Buff and brainy. Fit and funny. Athletic and articulate.

This was the description of #103 who I met a few days ago. He is a refreshing mix of uncommon characteristics. I was initially drawn to him because of his online pictures, and his profile revealed a well-spoken man. I was pleased that the man in person was thoughtful, respectful and easy going.

I, too, have stereotyped buff men. I’ve thought they wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not buff and wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time in the gym, although I do exercise.

I’m actually glad to find out I’m wrong in those assumptions.

What assumptions have you made about men’s values, priorities and intellectual capacity based on their rippling muscles?

______________________

Explore what you’d like in your next mate in the book In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

• Three dates.

• One month.

• Ten dates.

• Three months.

I’ve heard all these as people’s criteria for when to first get intimate with a new love.

A pal recently shared that he has been taken aback by some women’s arbitrary time line for intimacy. He once dated a woman who, on their 4-month anniversary, announced it was time for them to have sex — that night! They did. He said it felt mechanical because they hadn’t built the emotional connection that he sought to make it fulfilling.

Do you have such a time line? Or do you just have certain parameters, like “never on a first date,” or “whenever it feels right”?

I don’t have suggestions for when you “should” get naked with your sweetie for the first time. I’ve learned I need to feel a significant emotional connection, not just a physical one. And I need to trust that he won’t just disappear afterwards — not that there needs to be a spoken commitment. A pledge of exclusivity is important, although I’ve had that with a past beau and he still cheated on me.

The important thing is for you to know what you need to proceed to this step in the relationship. An arbitrary time line isn’t usually enough. You could date someone for months and still not have the emotional connection you feel you need. However, I would be skeptical if you say you have a significant enough emotional connection after just a week or so. That’s usually the brain’s chemicals tricking you into thinking you have more than is likely after such a short time. So even if you feel that you are soul mates by the end of week two, an arbitrary wait period of, say a month, then would be wise. A lot can happen in those ensuing two weeks.

Some experts suggest 3 months is long enough for a man to show his true self and for you to see him without his best wooing self put forward. My experience corroborates this. Usually by 90 days, the chinks in his armor begin to show and you can see if you can live with those or not. So before you’ve gotten physically entwined, you have a better sense of the man. Because once you share horizontal happiness, the relationship usually shifts dramatically. As the aforementioned pal expressed, “The flood gates of expectations open and a man can drown in what rushes forth unabated.”

Yes, we women generally do have expectations once whoopee has been made. That is if we didn’t perceive the encounter as just a fling. So we need to see that the man is someone we’re interested in being with and he’s shown he’s interested in being with us.

So examine your own criteria. Ask yourself why you have determined that you would be ready to have sex at a certain point. You may stick to those boundaries, or you may decide they are really just arbitrary. If the latter, make a list of what you need to feel comfortable before becoming intimate.
_________________
To explore more things to consider before having sex with someone you’re dating, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

The doctor in my exercise class is always off a beat. He enthusiastically flails his arms and legs — if occasionally in time with music it is by mere accident. I wonder how it would be to be coupled with a highly intelligent man who had no rhythm and no consciousness that his body is moving very differently than our instructor.

We all have an idea of our perfect mate. Perhaps he’s artistic, articulate, rational, a great dancer, musically adept, introspective, appreciative of nature, and a great communicator.

If you want all of the above, good luck. As they represent competency in each of the 8 intelligences Harold Gardner presented in his 1983 theory on multiple intelligences.

• Spatial
• Linguistic
• Logical-mathematical
• Kinesthetic
• Musical
• Interpersonal
• Intrapersonal
• Naturalist

You say, “But the description above is just of well-rounded person. Nothing really grandiose.” Perhaps. It depends on the level of proficiency you desire in each of the intelligences. If you want someone with a 10 in each, you are living in a fantasy.

Most of us have one dominant intelligence, according to Gardner’s hypothesis. Or perhaps two. You may be average at a few. And one or more that just aren’t a strength.

Take a stab at rating yourself on a 1-10 scale on each of the intelligences listed above. If you are a concert pianist, you would be a 10 in the musical intelligence. A Ph.D. in mathematics, no doubt a 10 in logical/mathematical. An architect — spatial. (More examples at Wikipedia.)

For example, I’d give myself an 8 or 9 for linguistic since I’m a writer and speaker. I’d give myself a 6 at kinesthetic since I’m a reasonable dancer, but would never qualify for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

After you’ve subjectively rated yourself, now rate your ideal mate in these 8 areas. If you’re an 8 on kinesthetic, would you be willing to couple with a 3? If you’re a 4 in logical/mathematical would you see yourself with a 9?

Of course, you can fall in love with someone who has polar opposite natural skill sets. In fact, some schools teach to all 8 intelligences to get kids to improve their appreciation of each, and perhaps their skill level. So if you have two left feet, will you ever be an exceptional dancer? Probably not. But if you continue to develop your skills you will at least be better — and your 8-level kinesthetic partner will enjoy your dance outings even more.

Appreciate not only your various intelligences as well as your date’s. However, know which ones you require and which ones you can live with if he’s not as good as you.

But if your partner insists that you engage in activities that come naturally to him and are hard and thus not enjoyable to you, best to communicate that you won’t be joining him in that activity. If he insists, that’s a sign it’s time to put your foot down — or out the door.

________________

Want to explore more about the make up of your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? today!

When you think of Peanuts’ Lucy and the football, you see a comic strip series where Charlie Brown, the ever hopeful and trusting soul, believes Lucy when she tells him — once again — that she’ll hold the ball for him to kick. Every time — for decades — she pulls the ball away at the last minute, causing Charlie to land hard on his backside. No matter how much she’s promised him she won’t, she does.

In dating, I’m surprised by how many men think it’s perfectly okay to pull out the football in many ways. It can be as simple as he says he’ll call on a certain day and he doesn’t. While you might not sit by the phone waiting (as you may have when younger), if you have any connection with him you look forward to the call.

But it doesn’t come. He may (or may not) text or call later, saying he got tied up. This may (or may not) be accompanied by an apology.

Or he tells you he’ll meet you at 7:00 and 7:15 comes and goes with no notification of his lateness. He may appear (or not) and explain it away (or not). He may apologize, but often there is no mention of his tardiness, let alone an apology.

Perhaps he suggests hanging out together this Saturday. He says he’ll call you Saturday morning to confirm. When you don’t hear from him by noon, you call him so you can determine your afternoon’s schedule. “Oh,” he tells you, “a friend called and we’re going motorcycle riding for the day.”

Yes, all these examples are of rude, thoughtless, self-centered behaviors. But can so many men be so inconsiderate?

A male pal explained that when a man says, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” he’s not so much making a commitment, but more expressing a possibility. I, and many of the people with whom I pal around, believe your word is your bond. You don’t say you’re going to do something and then not do it unless you communicate and renegotiate with the person to whom you’ve committed.

I know in today’s society this is a rarity.

For those of us who expect someone to follow through with what they say, we behave as if the promise will come through. So if a man invites me to dinner, I’ll determine what I’m going to wear and make sure it’s clean and pressed. I’ll plan my chores to make sure I have the evening free with no pressing duties to distract me. I’ll wash and curl or straighten my hair so it looks and smells good. While not obsessing, I imagine how much fun it is to be with him and perhaps think of some topics I want to share.

Then, boom, the call half-hour before I’m to leave, telling me he’s tied up and has to reschedule. The football was pulled out just as I was beginning to kick it.

While we can all occasionally have unexpected situations occur that make us need to reschedule our social calendar, if it happens more than once in a short time, I see it as his 1) lack of respect for me, 2) inability to manage his life, 3) belief that this is an okay way to treat people and/or 4) absence of real interest in me.

I’ve let men with whom I’ve been smitten  pull the ball out numerous times. I gave them too much grace. And it hurt more than my tush. Now, I look for the signs much more quickly. If, on the second occurrence I state my displeasure and he responds that I should be more flexible or spontaneous, I know that he and I have very different values.

Then I take my football to play with someone who respects the players and follows the same rules of good sportsmanship.

________________

What else should you look for as you start to date again? Get more information in Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

With apologies to Queen (but without the violence of their song), I share that another one bites the dust. Number 102. The result of my latest foray into Match.com.

After a few email exchanges, we talked for an hour and I mentioned the next evening I was going to a public street fair within walking distance of my house. He said, “I may go to that and look for you.” Uh huh. Great way to set up something certain, as 30,000 people attend this event.

He called me from the event and asked if I was there yet. I said I was leaving in 15 minutes. He said he’d “look for me.” Right. In a crowd of thousands you’re going to find someone you’ve never met. I didn’t press for a more certain location, as I figured he must not be too interested if he didn’t want to set a specific spot.

Ten minutes later he called to say he was in a nice bar and had a table. Finally, some certainty! A plan! What a concept. I said I’d be there in a few minutes.

He was smart, tall, educated and successful. But I’m afraid we just didn’t have enough in common. In fact, we are polar opposites politically, not that I don’t enjoy a spirited discussion. But I’m not fond of arguments that aren’t likely to yield either of us changing our opinions.

He wasn’t odious or disrespectful and even bought me a glass of wine. But his regular interjection of curse words and his repeating himself grew tiring. He did ask me a few questions, and I interjected my thoughts when he didn’t.

The drink evolved to a light dinner at an inexpensive ethnic restaurant down the street. When the bill came, I got out my wallet, as my male buddies have coached me to do on a first encounter. He said my share was $14. OK. That’s usually a screaming sign that there’s no interest in a repeat rendezvous.

We walked back to where our destinations required a split. He hugged me and said, “Talk to you soon.” Which generally means, “Have a nice life.” Which is okay, as I wasn’t really feeling it either.

One of the hardest things about midlife dating is keeping your optimism in the face of a number of going-nowhere encounters. The interaction isn’t horrible, it’s just not great. Ambivalence. It’s the all-too-common reality of this exercise. So I keep my hopes up and respond to the next man knocking on my in-box.

_______________

One of the benefits of online dating is it allows you to get to know several people concurrently and not be considered a two-timer. Learn how to ethically go out with several people in Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

After one has been dating for a while, the excitement and novelty of meeting new people wears off. Couple that with too many one-time-only encounters, and you become more guarded with your time and emotions.

At least I know this is true for me, and I’m guessing it is for others who have been searching for their next mate for years.

I’ve slowed down considerably my dating activities. The last new man I went out with was 8 months ago. And while we became fast friends, I know it will never advance beyond that. He’s got some deal breakers that are insurmountable for me and he knows it. So we enjoy a bi-weekly chat, but it’s become an unpaid mutual business coaching session.

I’d pulled back on my online dating activities, as I was getting too many men contacting me who were geographically, economically, educationally, or emotionally not a match. So it was with mixed emotions that I decided to rejoin Match.com this week.

Over a year ago I canceled my subscription because the same faces were appearing over again and I had already either ruled them out, had contacted them to no response, or met them and felt no connection. I felt I’d exhausted that pool.

So why did I rejoin? Match.com merged with Yahoo Personals so  thought there may be some new possibilities. I searched for local men in my age range and hundreds of new faces emerged. After reactivating my profile, I immediately got a handful of contacts. So I renewed. I then searched by even more specific criteria, and lots of possible matches appeared. I’ve been merrily emailing and responding to emails.

We’ll see if this time my efforts are more fruitful.

I stay in the online dating game because I have met some wonderful men, even if many of them are geographically undesirable. I’m meeting one in a few weeks when I’m in his area since we’ve been talking weekly for a few months. In a few months, I will finally meet another who’s flirted with me for a year. Why bother with these men who will most likely never turn into romantic mates? Because they are interesting, articulate, intelligent, funny and good conversationalists. We’ve met in an unlikely way yet found enough commonalities to keep us delighting in our banter and discussions.

Will my foray back into Match.com yield my King Charming? Stay tuned!
________________
For more information on the ins and out of Internet dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

It’s Never Too Late to Date: Shirley and Howard’s Rx’s For Dating and Mating After 50 by Shirley Friedenthal and Howard Eisenberg

This is a good primer for women in their “golden years” (the author’s words) who haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years — or perhaps ever. If the readers are like my mother, they may have never really dated except their husband. So after a death or divorce, these women are often unhappily resigned to living a life alone even if they’d like a male companion, as they are petrified to date.

Although this self-published book lists two authors, there is frequent reference to “I” and it’s Shirley’s voice. The only time it’s clear Howard is in the book is when they tell the story of how they met. So I will refer to “author” not “authors.” Perhaps he added his perspective, but his voice isn’t present.

Shirley mixes inspiration with common sense topics like always dress as if you might meet someone special — even when doing errands or walking the dog. But I guess if one hasn’t had to worry much about one’s appearance in decades it’s a good reminder. She even lightly touches on sex.

You will like this book if you are over 60 (or if you’re a sheltered 50) or haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years. Shirley offers some down-to-earth advice on what to expect.
_____________________

Of course, if you’d like to explore other books on dating in midlife, download your copy of any of my 13 books on the topic.

All Dating Goddess books

At some point in dating you have, no doubt, encountered jerks, players, and self-absorbed individuals. Perhaps you labeled some narcissists. But have you ever encountered someone you’d deem a psychopath?

In researching a relative’s extreme personality disorder, I decided to read Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work to determine how to best respond to the anti-social behavior with which I was having to deal. While the book focuses on psychopaths in the workplace, I thought I’d glean some ideas for identifying and dealing with these folks anywhere.

First, what’s the difference between a narcissist, sociopath and psychopath? I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can only paraphrase the authors’ description.

• “Narcissistic personality disorder involves … displaying a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.”

• “Sociopathy refers to patterns of attitudes and behaviors that are considered antisocial and criminal by society at large, but are seen as normal … by the subculture … in which they developed…. Many criminals might be described as sociopaths.”

• Psychopaths and narcissists have some overlapping characteristics, like lack of empathy, and grandiosity, but psychopaths couple these with deceitfulness, lack of remorse, without conscience or loyalty, refusal to accept responsibility and antisocial behavior. While these may sum up the things you loath about your ex, it’s not likely he was really a psychopath! More probably, he was probably just a jerk.

Not all psychopaths are criminals — or at least only a fraction of those with this disorder have either committed crimes or have been caught. The authors say approximately 1% of the population could be diagnosed with psychosis. They point out that only a small percentage of them have been put behind bars, so they are loose in society. Because psychopaths are often intelligent and present themselves well, you’d never know to look at them that you are about to be manipulated for your money, job, belongings or sex.

And not all manipulators are psychopaths. There are plenty of people who will lie, cheat, and steal, but that doesn’t mean they have this personality disorder.

So if so few people qualify as bona fide psychopaths, why am I telling you all this? Because I found the book a fascinating read and if you deal with anyone — at work or personally — who is a smooth manipulator, it may be useful to you.

Secondly, to encourage you to disengage from anyone who has extremely abnormal behavior that you feel is harmful to you. I had to extricate myself from a bullying manipulator, even amid pleading from friends and family to not do so. I am making that same decision about the aforementioned relative. You don’t have to put up with harmful behavior — whether it be emotional, verbal or physical — no matter who it’s coming from.

Have you encountered a manipulator in dating? If so, what was the final straw and how did you end it?

__________________

To explore other examples on whether he’s a keeper or not, get your own copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him? today!

Midlife daters have admitted to me that they don’t know how to flirt anymore. Some even say they never knew how. Now that they are single in midlife, they are feeling they need — and want — to learn.

But how does one practice? Chatting up strangers in the grocery store? Smiling and winking at others in the gym? Offering, “You look familiar” to someone at the coffee shop?

Instead of strangers, should one practice on folks you think are single at church, school events or work? What if they aren’t single and they think you’re being inappropriate? If your flirting backfires, you’re stuck seeing them at future functions.

So what’s a neophyte flirter to do?

For those not quite ready for my Flirt-O-Grams, you can join Flirtomatic.com. It’s a free site that lets you enter minimal information about yourself and start flirting with people all over the world. Or you can limit the focus of your flirting to an age range and/or geographical area.

While I see minimal value for those who feel comfortable getting their flirt on, for those needing some remedial practice it’s a safe place to start. Think of it as flirting training wheels.

I asked my pal who’s doing publicity for the site why someone would join since one can easily flirt on any dating site. He said the beauty of this site is members don’t really have to intend on meeting or talking on the phone. It’s for folks who like to have some flirty banter with no strings attached. While I don’t see myself ever being drawn to this concept, he says it’s very popular in the UK where it began. Especially with those who don’t feel comfortable flirting in real life — yet.

I agreed to try it out so I could tell you my impressions.

First, because membership is free, the level of class, intelligence and education skews low. Some of the introductory messages showing on guys’ profiles are crass. Just move on.

I got flirts from 18 year olds on up. None had anything enticing on their profiles that made me want to respond. When I searched by 40+ men near me, there was no one with whom I wanted to flirt. If I didn’t care their age or location and just wanted to play a bit, I could probably find someone flirt worthy.

Assuming you do find folks to flirt with, you can get their messages via text. I don’t really want to be interrupted with texts by people I don’t know so I didn’t enable that feature.

Know that you have to buy Flirt Points to get improved functionality. For example, if you want to search by those near you, you have to buy 75 points for 24 hours of this feature. For $1.99 you get 250 points.

So, the bottom line is: if you want to just practice your flirting skills, sign up for the site. If you are already comfortable flirting in real time, pass.

________________
Want to understand the ins and outs of cyber dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

There are various types of “buddies” in dating. Some you’re good with; others you’re not. You don’t really want a  no-strings-attached sex-only relationship. You want some strings if you are going to get intimate — at least some interest in exploring if you both want there to be strings, not just “That was fun. See you later.”

You crave tender touching and caresses, but there’s no one on the horizon that interests you enough to go down the physically intimate path. So you seem caught between no physicality at one extreme to enduring a booty call just to get some physical contact.

Enter the concept of cuddle buddy. “What’s that?” you ask. Good question, as I just invented the term, although the concept has been around. It’s where two people (of the opposite sex for this blog’s discussion) who are fond of each other but never got into a dating relationship. They enjoy each other’s company and like to hang out. But there’s a deal breaker for one or both of them that prevented the relationship from getting intimate.

Neither of you is dating anyone else so you don’t get your skin hunger satisfied elsewhere. So when you sit on the couch watching a movie, you end up smack next to each other. His arm may go around her shoulders, her head may rest on his chest. One may rest a hand on the other’s leg. There is no kissing, just cuddling. They may even fall asleep on the couch this way.

A cuddle buddy is only good when you both understand there is no interest in going further. If one of you breaks the invisible wall and starts kissing or trying to advance, it all falls apart. One of you has to stop the other and there is an awkwardness between you then. Or maybe the other doesn’t stop and things go beyond where you both know you should, and then it becomes really strange. Now you are lovers, but you don’t really want to be this person’s lover because of the aforementioned deal breaker. Do you “break up” even though you were really never going together? Or do you try to ignore it hoping things will go back to normal? Or do you talk about it to clear the air, but things really don’t go back the way they were?

So try cuddle buddying only when you believe you’re both clear on the boundaries and are willing to live within them. But it is a nice alternative to the other kinds of dating buddies.

Have you had this kind of relationship? If so, was it easy or hard to maintain your boundaries? What happened when one of you met a romantic partner? How did it end — or did it?

________________

To determine if you’re ready to get intimate, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

I’m struck that many men’s online profiles say they want a spontaneous woman. It’s made me look at my own level of spontaneity.

My experience of spontaneity is that someone else (a friend or suitor) calls or shows up and says, “Hey, I’m on my way to XXX. Wanna come?”

More often than not, I have my morning, afternoon, or evening planned so I have to quickly sort my day’s priorities and see if I can shift things if I want to accompany them. If I decline, I usually hear disappointment or even chiding from the other.

While I appreciate they wanted to spend some time together, I feel much more special if they take the time to think ahead and invite me the day before. Then I can have time to rearrange my activities and look forward to the outing.

Being invited at the last minute feels like I’m an afterthought. This isn’t very appealing.

In fact, I’ve come to think of these impulsive invitations as selfish. The inviter has had time to decide that the activity is something they want to do and arrange their life to do it. There is no forethought of my schedule or priorities. It is all about them and their desires, and my attendance is not just secondary, but way down the list.

So how does one allow some spur-of-the-moment activities in a planned life? The key is to not be so rigid that you can’t occasionally say, “I’ll do my projects tomorrow.”

And I try to educate my friends and suitors that I do well with planned spontaneity. Although it sounds like an oxymoron, it means that we decide to spend the afternoon, evening, or day together, perhaps float some possible activities, then agree to decide when we’re together. This allows for the proper clothing to be worn or brought or other items that would fit with the activities offered.

For example, a friend stayed with me over the weekend to attend a meeting Saturday. She had Sunday to play. Saturday night we discussed a handful of options that encompassed what she wanted to do. Sunday morning we set out on our top priority, then at transition points throughout the day I offered her options. The day unfolded wonderfully as we ebbed and flowed based on the weather, our mood and our hunger. We were spontaneous within a loosely planned day.

How do you feel about spontaneity in dating? Are you the one offering spur-of-the-moment activities or are you more on the receiving end? If the latter, how do you feel when someone you’re dating only seems to offer to get together last minute?

_____________________

Want to read about more situations that need to be negotiated in dating? Download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

The attractive mature woman approached me after my talk on dating after 40. She said she admired my courage to take on dating so enthusiastically, but she was afraid to start dating.

I asked what her fear was.

“I’m afraid of rejection. And I’m afraid of all the work it will take.”

“Yes, there is rejection in dating. It’s just part of the process unless you meet your next love on the first encounter. Some find their sweetie quickly — a friend found her fiance after dating only nine men after her divorce. Others, like me, take longer. So you have to steel yourself that there will be rejection and some men do it more respectfully than others.

“But frankly, some of the hardest rejection to deal with is when you know you must let a man know you aren’t interested in having a romantic relationship. Some will take it well and others won’t, no matter how nicely you put it.”

“And yes, it takes time. Unless, as I said, you meet a special someone quickly. But it takes time to get to know him, ensure you have similar values, and that he’s the real deal.

“But you have to weigh what you want versus the time involved. If you wanted to start playing tennis after a long absence, you’d have to put in considerable practice time. And hopefully, you’d get better and more confident the longer you practiced.

“You may start entering tournaments. And you won’t win every game. You will have to deal with the disappointment of losing — just like you’ll have to deal with the disappointment of being rejected in dating. But if you think of it as not really rejection, but clearing the deck for someone with whom there is mutual interest, it won’t sting as much.”

She nodded and smiled — and bought a book. She said she appreciated the pep talk and thought she’d now put her toe in the dating water.

Before you started dating again, what were you afraid of?

____________________

Want to explore if you’re ready to date again or not? Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

What determines if you are an item? Is it agreement about exclusivity? Is it the fact that neither of you is interested in seeing others?

You may think that his regular calls, texts and weekly dates makes him your beau. He may think that you are just one of the women he is seeing, even if at the moment he’s not seeing anyone else. You may feel that by your sleeping together regularly, you are going together. He may feel that you are a woman he’s hanging out with.

Don’t jump to the conclusion that he feels that you are both on the same train to boo-ville. You may be taking the express and he’s taking the local. You are many steps ahead of him, perhaps wanting him to meet your friends and family, taking vacations together, maybe even thinking you’ll be moving in together. Yet he’s moving at a much slower pace, thinking you are seeing each other and determining if you want to continue. He may not even see you as exclusive unless you’ve had that discussion.

So don’t derail the train by assuming you’re on the bullet train to relationship bliss. Allow yourself to slow down, even if you really like the guy. In fact, throttle back especially if you like the guy as if you make assumptions too fast, he’ll jump off the train at the first opportunity. Or throw you off — and ow, that hurts!
_______________

Want to know about how to tell if he’s a keeper? Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

You’ve struck up a nice communication with a man who seems to fit many of your criteria. He’s smart, educated, polite, funny, well traveled, successful and clearly interested in you and your life. His age, height, and economics are in the right range for you. You’ve talked on the phone several times and you’ve had email, IM or text conversations every day for a week.

You usually like to meet a man in person within a week or 10 days — before spending too much time flirting virtually. You know it pretty much all hinges on how you feel about each other face-to-face. It can enhance your growing fondness toward each other, or it can fall flat.

With a first date set for a few days hence, for whatever reason (business or family illness) your guy is suddenly called out of town. You understand — he must go. But it happens too quickly to fit in even a coffee date to meet.

While he’s gone, he calls daily, IMs and emails you sweet messages. The conversations focus around each other’s needs and desires. You feel you’re really getting to know each other — as much as one can without being in the same room. He expresses his deepening fondness towards you, how much he wishes he were with you, how he can’t wait to meet you.

As you both share more and more, his expressions of endearment increase. He asks your favorite clothing designer and says he’d like to buy you some of that line. He asks where you would optimally like to live, then says he’ll build you a house there. He asks where you’d like to travel, then says he’ll take you there. On and on he continues to unearth your desires and tells you he’ll provide them.

You know it is infatuation and idealization, based on words not actions. When he says he can’t wait to have you share the same last name, it hits you: This must be how mail order brides feel! Men who want a woman to move across the country or world are wooed by sweet talk and promises from a man they’ve never met! Luckily, the man who’s sweet talking you lives a few miles away and isn’t intending to move to some remote part of the world — as far as you know.

But unlike many mail order brides, you know to be skeptical. You know not to count on any promises made by someone you haven’t met. Heck, you know not to count on promises made by some people you *have* met! You know that he is just flirting and trying to say things he thinks will please you. Yet you are clear these suggestions of promises are a sign of his neediness. But since there doesn’t seem anything malicious, you give him grace. You are also on guard because you this is how scammers bilk lonely hearts out of their life’s savings.
______________________

Want to know how to determine if you should invest your time with a new guy? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

I’m an equal-opportunity dater. I’ve gone out with Caucasian, Black, Latino, Asian, Indian, Native American and mixed-race men. Although it doesn’t always come up, I know some have been Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic and atheist. None of these on their own are deal makers or deal breakers. My interest or disinterest depends on many other elements.

So it surprised me when some Black men asked me if they are an “experiment.” If going out with them was part of satisfying some curiosity of mine. The first time I was asked this I was confused, so probed.

“What do you mean by ‘experiment?’”

“Some women have heard about certain characteristics that Black men supposedly possess and they want to see if it’s true.”

I almost fell out of my chair.

These “characteristics” could really be described as physical “attributes.” And the Black men got tired of being with women who just wanted to see for themselves, without any interest in a relationship. They’d spent time and energy getting to know a woman and then after a roll or two in the hay, she’d had her curiosity satisfied (and perhaps other things as well) and was on her way. She really wasn’t interested in anything beyond confirming (or not) the rumors she’d heard.

No one likes to feel like a curiosity, something to be examined and then tossed aside. We want to invest time with people who have an interest in the whole package, not just a single part. So I understood these men’s skepticism and caution.

Men I had no interest in have asked if they could fondle certain body parts. How could they possibly think that I’d say yes? They were curious, and no doubt, felt there was no harm in asking as they got the message I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Have you ever felt that someone was with you just to have his curiosity quenched? What happened?
___________________

To understand more about what to expect when dating after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

(Read about our first encounter)

A few days ago he returned from his global travels and was in my city for a few days. He remembered that my birthday is today so he decided to treat me to an early birthday celebration. He’s still handsome and buff at 61, but perhaps not as much as when he posed for Playgirl 30 years ago.

In addition to his good looks, he’s attentive, intelligent, humble and funny. I briefly thought of abandoning rationality and suggesting a romp in the hay. I’m pretty sure he would have been game. But then I remembered that trysts are like Chinese food — soon thereafter, I’m hungry for something more substantial.

We’ve been in contact monthly since our first encounter. But I still don’t feel I know him well.

He suggested we travel abroad together. I’ve been invited to accompany men to Paris, Rio and on cruises, but always declined because I didn’t know them well enough to share a room. But Mr. Playgirl strikes me as different. But then, I’ve misjudged seemingly good guys before, only to learn differently when I’ve gotten to know them better.

So I want to get to spend more time together before I agree to be a traveling partner, no matter how much I long for an international travel buddy. We already know we have similar travel styles and like to explore similar types of sights.

The internal debate is whether to seize the day and just go for it, or proceed cautiously and make sure I’m totally comfortable before buying a plane ticket. My adventurous self battles with my cautious self.

Have you had these type of internal battles when starting to spend time with someone? Have you leaped for adventure or stayed cautious? What happened? Would you do the same again? What did you learn from your choice?
_____________________

Want to explore other issues to consider before spending the night with a man? Order your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Here’s a recent question from one of our regular guy readers. I thought you might have some suggestions.

There are usually inequalities when you are dating. One person has a more successful career. One person is better at interpersonal skills, and the other is better at technical skills. Differences that makes life interesting and the world go around.

We are both past the having babies stage, but I wonder about the inequality of our families. All the kids are old enough that they won’t be living together. But, I just started wondering if the inequality will bread resentment. I can provide a husband and a house. But for kids, we will have to play the cards that have already been dealt.

____________

While I don’t have kids, that won’t stop me from having an opinion!

If you do become connected with this woman, you can’t help but hear about her kids and sharing about yours. At some point, they will meet each other. If she wasn’t secure that she did the very best job she could in parenting and admitting that some of how kids turn out is a crap shoot, I imagine she’d feel a bit jealous of your kids’ accomplishments.

If she does show any feelings of inadequacy or jealousy and they are unabated, it will ruin the relationship. However, even two parents with accomplished children can have issues about one-up-manship. If you decide to continue seeing her, you have to be conscious about not oversharing about your kids and offering advice about hers. Let this unfold as you build trust and confidence with each other. And wait until she asks you for advice on her offspring.

Readers: what do those of you with children have to say on this issue?
_______________________

Want to read more about challenges during dating? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed today!

Hair.

It can either be a source of pride or vexation. Women typically either love or hate their manes. If a woman’s tresses behave as she desires, she’s very happy. If not, she bemoans her bad hair genes. Sometimes both in the same day.

What does a woman’s hair have to do with dating? A lot, it seems.

How a woman feels about her hair before a date influences her self-image. This affects how she behaves on a date. If she’s having a bad hair day, she doesn’t feel attractive, which impacts her confidence. She doesn’t feel she’s putting her best foot (hair) forward.

If she likes her hair that day, she has a spring in her step, a smile on her face, an isn’t-life-grand attitude.

The style of her hair matters, too. If she has a wash-and-wear cut, she can spontaneously say yes to a walk in the rain or a swim in the lake. However, if she knows it will take hours to craft her locks into something she considers presentable, she’s likely to pass on that convertible ride, no matter how cute the driver. (A gal pal was an hour late for a set-time dinner party because she was doing her hair!)

Some women manage bad hair days with hats, scarves and barrettes. As long as it’s attractive, great. But some seem to lean on these accessories rather than try to wrangle their mop into something more appealing. A midlife pal with thin, limp hair has taken to plopping on an unattractive hat when attending professional events. She doesn’t want to take the time to learn how to style it to be more becoming.

Semi-permanent solutions play into the mix. The amount we spend on braids, weaves, extensions and dye is staggering. Comedian Chris Rock explores the societal complexities of African-Americans’ hair habits in his insightful and hilarious documentary film, “Good Hair.” Rock says, “I knew women wanted to be beautiful, but I didn’t know the lengths they would go to, the time they would spend — and not complain about it.” Beauty, as we all know, is in the eye of the one holding the blow dryer (or paying someone to do it for them).

At some point we had to decide (or perhaps are still deciding), “Should we color or not?” This decision has many ramifications including how one perceives herself, how she wants to be perceived, whether she feels pressured to do something she really doesn’t want to do. If she decides to dye, can she afford to have a professional do it or can she do it herself? Should she stick to her natural color or use this as an opportunity to explore something different? Or perhaps straddle the fence and go for a frosted look that plays up some gray? Or maybe let it go au natural and let whatever nature intended be seen?

Hair length is pondered, too, not only for ease of maintenance (or lack thereof) and how it balances one’s face and body, but for how one is perceived by potential suitors. While lots of women look sexy in short-cropped or even bald heads, I’ve been surprised by the number of men’s online profiles that say their ideal match has long hair. The age-range of these men’s desired match isn’t younger women, as I’d assumed, but midlife women. However, midlife women with below-the-shoulder coifs aren’t that common.

One man told me that he pre-determines a woman’s libido by her hair length. He said below the shoulder meant she was frisky. Between the shoulder and ear, still interested. Above the ear — couldn’t care less about the horizontal tango. I’d never heard anything like this, and many short-styled women tell me he is completely wrong. Yet it made me wonder how many men had a similar imaginary passion indicator.

For myself, I left my locks natural until 10 years ago. I liked the salt-and pepper look until three things happened:

1. the salt began to overtake the pepper;
2. I felt I looked older than I felt; and
3. someone guessed my age at many years older than my actual age.

So vanity and a desire to look as young as I felt motivated me to spend many hours and untold dollars in a colorist’s care.

My hair is below the shoulder, having previously spent a decade with Rod Stewart-length hair. I never really liked the look, and each time I visited my stylist I told her I felt better about myself when I had some curl in my hair. Yet I’d leave her chair with gelled spikes on the top, which I’d go home and wash out. Because I have a lot of thick, coarse hair, I stupidly returned thinking she was one of the rare stylists who knew how to work with my mop. One day, at home after a styling, I cried when I looked in the mirror, so vowed never to return. I’m clear on what image makes me feel the best about myself. However, my stylist has orders to whack off a few inches when I begin to look like those middle-aged women trying to pass for 30.

How do you feel about your hair and how it affects your sense of attractiveness? How have men reacted to your hair? Has a sweetie ever influenced you to do something different with your hair?

________________

Want to understand more about dating after 40? Get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

He’s tall — 6’3-1/2″.

He’s dark — with a perpetual tan.

He’s handsome — drop dead gorgeous.

He has a deep, sexy voice.

He’s funny, humble and adorable.

He’s athletic — a former NFL player.

Our 19-year age difference doesn’t seem to matter.

There’s only one problem…

We’ve never met.

In fact, he has no idea I’m alive.

And there’s that pesky issue of his girlfriend.

Plus, I’m afraid I’m not the only woman who has gone gaga for this man. In fact, not just straight women are entranced. Ellen DeGeneres said she had to meet him once she saw him.

So I guess there’s more than one problem.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, my love interest is an actor. But not the usual George, Brad or Colin. He’s Isaiah Mustafa, “the man your man could smell like” in the 2010 Old Spice commercials.

While we women know that there are few midlife men who have Isaiah’s all-over charm and stunning good looks, we can always admire those god-like specimens from afar. As long as we don’t reject the mere mortals who have other stellar qualities coupled with perhaps a little paunch, receding hairline, or wrinkles. Just as we hope they accept that unlike Jen, Angelina and Halle, we have crow’s feet, muffin tops, and cellulite.

We can pay tribute to modern day Narcissus’s and Aphrodites, but more often the true gods and goddesses come in less striking packages. Their divineness exudes through their kindness, compassion, caring and generosity.

______________

Want to explore what you really want in your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

I once read a study’s findings that men who were married/partnered in midlife and older lived longer than men who weren’t. The researchers explanation? That if a man has a physical ailment, he’ll let it go, not wanting to see a doctor, thinking it will clear up on it’s on. If he lives with a woman who knows about the malady, she insists (nags?) him to see the doctor. Thus, ailments that would get worse in time are nipped in the bud and healed.

As we get older, many of us develop bad habits (like thinking something will clear up on its own). If we live by ourselves, or with a non-friend or non-relative roommate, or have friends that aren’t very forthcoming to give us feedback, it’s easy to start doing things that are unacceptable to others but we think are normal.

This is why some people are in the “undateable” category, no matter how smart or nice they may be.

For example, an older friend has decided she no longer needs to wear deodorant since she mostly just watches TV all day. However, her relatives say being cooped up in a car with her for even short trips requires they roll down the windows because of her BO. Others decide they no longer need to shower every day, or they wear their clothes a day or two longer than they would if someone were around to point out the smell.

It’s not just personal hygiene that can fall prey to bad habits. It can be talking to oneself, which isn’t a problem when one is alone. But when in the presence of another, constant chattering can cause the other to continually ask you to repeat or speak up, when you were really only thinking aloud. This can be annoying to both of you, yet you’re not conscious that you’re babbling semi-audibly.

Or perhaps your housekeeping has been lax since it’s just you at home now. But when your sweetie visits, he has to step gingerly around the dog food you spilled days ago and haven’t gotten around to sweeping up. Or he has to wash a glass for water because all the glassware is in the sink/dishwasher. Or your beloved dog’s hair has matted on the couch so he has to endure fur on his black slacks or cover the couch with a dog-smelling throw.

Maybe your habits have spilled over into your table manners. Since you’re used to eating alone, you’ve become oblivious to your chewing with your mouth open, slurping your drink, smacking your lips, or wiping your nose with the cloth napkin. Or since no one checks your tip, you’ve begun to leave less and less and now think 5% is acceptable.

The list could go on. None of these on their own are deal breakers, but the cumulative affect is that you are unconscious of how your behaviors appear to others.

The cure? I wish adults would more easily enroll in charm or etiquette school, but once one is past school age, few find that acceptable. And it wouldn’t address some of the issues listed above.

So how do you know if you have a habit that could be off putting? My suggestion is to seek input from those you trust to tell you the truth and who have some savvy about these things. I wouldn’t ask a pal who sees nothing wrong with a sinkload of dishes and rampant dust bunnies to assess your housekeeping habits.

What bad habits have you identified in yourself that needed fixing? Or have you had to tell a sweetheart s/he needs to become aware of a habit that has passed the acceptable range?

_____________________

Want to assess your own habits and assets? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

This weekend while traveling I spent time with a gal pal. (I was staying at a hotel nicknamed “The Beau”! How fitting!). We were bemoaning our past relationships and how ignored signs at the beginning ended up dooming the relationship. Sometimes it took only months, but sometimes we’d stuck with someone for years who, in retrospect, showed all the signs of a mis-match from the beginning.

I’d shared that I had created, but not released, a 20-question quiz called the Beau Quotient (BQ). It asks some tough questions and you honestly (if that’s possible when one is besotted) give your beau scores for each question.

I’ve only tested this with myself, so thought I’d ask you, dear readers, to be the guinea pigs. So please download the PDF and think of a current (or recent) sweetie. Answer as honestly as you can. Tell me your refinements to the questions.

(Gentlemen: as usual, this is focused on women. I’d guess the questions would be different if this quiz was designed for girlfriends. So you’re welcome to download it but know it’s not designed to be used across genders.)
_______________________

Want to explore more about whether you should keep dating a guy? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I was asked to contribute five of my best tips for dating after 40 to the new compilation eBooklet, “Tips, Tools, and Resources for the Second Half of Life.”

This 17-page booklet includes 5 brief tips in on each topic:

• “Rightsizing” — Getting Your House In Order Before The Crisis Sets In
• Positive Sibling Communication
• Creative Housing And Lifestyle Choices
• Aging With Grace, Gratitude, And Gusto!
• Successful Dating Over 40
• Self Care
• Share Your Memories
• Keep Your Eyes On The Target
• Financial Clarity
• Easing The Grief Of Life’s Later Losses
• Put Old On Hold
• Midlife Menu
• Nursing Home Care
• Living A Powerful Second Half Of Life

I’m adding this eBooklet to your gift with purchase of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books. Remember, you already get the bonus eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with any purchase.

If you’ve already purchased one of my books and want the new eBooklet, just email me and I’ll send it to you.
_____________________

Get the eBooklet, “Tips, Tools, and Resources for the Second Half of Life,” as well as DG’s 152-page eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with any Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book order.

Today, a question from a reader:

“I’ve been seeing a guy for 6 months and we still can’t get farther than a quick peck on the lips or a quick impersonal hug. I’ve told him I want more intimacy but still nothing. What should I do?”

Many men say it’s up to the woman to set the pace of physical involvement and they don’t want to overstep their bounds. They have learned to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries and don’t want to press those without explicit permission.

He might have been chastised in the past from a woman who took offense at his moving things forward more quickly than she liked. Or even though you stated you were ready, he may not be.

After dating exclusively for three months and physically progressing up to a point, I once asked a beau, “What do you need to feel comfortable having sex together?” He said he needed to feel in love with me. We then discussed that while we were both very fond of each other, neither of us was in love. A few weeks later we discussed how we’d given it 3.5 months and wasn’t happening for either of us, so we decided to shift to being friends. Now he’s a treasured pal.

So you could ask, “What do you need to feel comfortable moving our relationship forward?” Or you could just pull him back to you the next time he pecks you and go in for a more involved kiss — and see what he does!

The point being something has to shift. You want to either progress or move the relationship to friendship.

Readers, what advice do you have for her?
___________

For more on how to talk about difficult issues, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

In my five-plus years of dating, I’ve connected with thousands of men from various dating sites. Some have only been through email, others progressed to a phone call, and I’ve actually met face-to-face with 101 of them.

I’ve never run into any of the ones who didn’t make it to the coffee date.

Until today.

A man attended my seminar who looked vaguely familiar. Then his voice struck a chord. How did I know him? I wracked my brain. Then it struck me clearly — I had talked to him after we went through the eHarmony get-to-know-you process. In fact, he’s one of just a handful who talked to me via Skype video chat so his mannerisms were clearer than if we’d just talked by phone.

It was a bit awkward for me throughout the seminar to know that he and I had toyed with the possibility of dating. But I didn’t get a sense that he recognized me.

Afterward, I asked him if he lived in the nearby town where I thought he was from. He said he did. Bingo. Then I said I had a question for him I’d ask when everyone had cleared the room. He was intrigued. I asked if he’d ever been on eHarmony and he said yes. I shared that we’d chatted one night. He smiled, but didn’t remember the connection. No problem as I was surprised myself since we’d only had one conversation.

So now that we’ve officially met, am I interested in getting to know him better. Not really. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and his comments in the session were intelligent and articulate, but I wasn’t drawn to him. And he made no sign he would be interested in getting to know me better either.

So we will see. I have a rule about not dating clients, and although he’s not technically a client, he is the employee of one. So even if we were both interested in getting to know one another more, it would have to wait until I was done with this 2-month engagement.

Have you ever run into someone you’d met virtually from a dating site but never met in person? Share with us what happened.
____________________

Want to understand more about Internet dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

by guest author, Regina Barreca, Ph.D.

We’ve all had The Bad Boyfriend. He’s the one  you knew you had to leave. In order to get on with life, we need to put him in perspective. Part of that is acknowledging those things for which we should be grateful to him.

That isn’t easy to do.

I decided to help.

__________________

If you want to know more about how and why to break up maturely, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

After several months of daily conversations and a few in-person dates, this out-of-state suitor shared his sentiment. I felt complimented, but at the same time quizzical.

I appreciated that he frequently sought and took my business counsel. But it made me think that he didn’t value a wife very highly. It stalled my desire to take our relationship to the next level. If it weren’t for my business acumen, would he respect me? Would he only engage my opinion if it were business related, and not about other aspects of our relationship?

So what would happen in the future when he retires and no longer needs a live-in savvy business advisor? What role would he relegate to his wife (possibly me)? Would she (I?) be consigned traditional roles of cooking, cleaning, household aesthetics and matrimonial duties? Would she/I be required to look good, keep up the house, but say nothing of consequence?

He said he is cautious about making more romantic advances as he’s afraid he’d lose me as his treasured advisor. Which is actually fine with me as I want a man who is looking for a full-fledged partner, not a mentor with benefits.

When my ex and I met, we were in the same profession but my career was much more established than his, despite him being 14 years older. He’d switched careers shortly before we met. Throughout our 20-year marriage, he’d ask my advice and rarely took it. I’d see him struggle with tasks that I could show him how to accomplish easily. But I learned to keep my mouth shut. In the end, he said that my competency in so many areas made him feel emasculated, even though he said I never rubbed it in his face.

So I am loathe to take on a romantic relationship again with someone who needs my business savvy. It could work to be in business together or help each other, but only if we were at the same level and we were adding our perspective and expertise to the other.

Have you felt that someone you were dating valued you more as an advisor and wanted romance? What did you find were the pros/cons?

_________________

To better understand what you want, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

A friend told me he’s going to buy a house with “Francine,” a woman he’s been seeing for a few years.

“Great!” I said. “You haven’t cohabited with anyone for a long time, so this will be quite a change for you.”

“No. I’ll buy it with her and stay there sometimes, but I’ll keep my place.”

“Really? Why?”

“I don’t want to give up my freedom.”

Later in the conversation, he mentioned “Alice,” another woman who he dated simultaneously when he started dating Francine. It became clear he was still seeing (and sleeping with) her, even though he was going to buy a house with Francine.

I was incredulous. Mustering all my self-control to use a non-judgmental voice, I said, “Based upon what you’ve told me about your relationship with Francine, if I were her I’d think we were in a committed monogamous relationship.”

“We are in a committed relationship.”

“But not a monogamous one. Does she know that?”

“She knows that I’m still in touch with Alice.”

“But not that you’re still sleeping with her?”

“She doesn’t need to know that.”

You could have picked up my chin from the table. “If I were Francine, I would definitely want to know about your relationship with Alice.”

“No you wouldn’t. She’s happy thinking I’m 100% her man. I’m happy. She’s happy. No problem.”

I was speechless. Knowing there was nothing I could say that would dissuade him from his thinking he was in the right, I gave up.

I wonder how many of us have been with a man who claimed to be exclusive and committed and yet he had another woman on the side. I had that experience once. The challenge is, you rarely have enough hard evidence to know for sure.

In fact, this guy told me Francine had found evidence of another woman in his apartment. When she asked about it, he told the truth — up to a point. He didn’t lie, but he didn’t tell everything. She didn’t probe, content with his flimsy explanation.

An author of a book about cheating was asked why people cheat. The answer was, “Because they can.”

It’s bad enough that when we don’t ask the hard questions we live in a fantasyland, some of which is our own making. But the hard reality is it’s doubtful that this philanderer practices safe sex, so is putting these women at risk.

Do we fool ourselves? Do we believe what we want to believe? Do we put up with flimsy excuses because we don’t want to rock the boat, or accuse someone we love of infidelity?

_____________
Want to know how to multi-date with integrity? Get Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player

It continually amazes me to hear the comments some men make during the pre-date stage. You would think they would focus on putting their best foot forward, thinking about how they want to make a great impression.

But no.

Some (many?) seem to have no filter or editor and just spew forth whatever is on their mind.

Case in point, the comments made in this posting’s title. Let me explain.

I have a dozen pictures posted on a dating site. I like all of them (or I wouldn’t have posted them) and they show me in a variety of settings from professional, formal, informal, to fun. I’ve received many, many compliments on my pics.

However, occasionally a man makes contact and we’ll start chatting. Either these men quickly become comfortable with me or they have no aforementioned filter. Then they let some disparaging comment slip.

Does a man really expect me to react positively when he says I look like I’d wear granny panties? Or that I epitomize a schoolmarm? Or that a picture of me in a wide-brimmed straw hat (which I’ve been told numerous times is classy and fetching) looks like I’m the Church Lady?

After perusing all my pics, a man asked, “Which is the real you?” A ridiculous question I thought — they were all the real me. So I asked what he meant. He said, “You look like you put on some pounds since the previous pic,” which I had not. It was the angle of the camera. While I could appreciate that many people post decades old and many-pounds-ago pics, I do not. I guess it was how he asked that was off-putting to me.

Do these men think at all before letting forth whatever crosses their mind?

On the one hand, honesty can be refreshing and appreciated. But honesty is generally valued most when you’ve built trust and have a solid relationship established. Honesty like “You look like you put on some pounds since the previous pic” is not appealing.

What have you had potential dates say to you that was off-putting? How did you handle it?

______________

Want to know other things to look for before agreeing to a first date? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

• You glimpse a man who looks strikingly like a past love.

• In front of you at Starbucks stands a guy wearing your former sweetie’s cologne.

• The song plays on the radio that you slow-danced to with your ex, naked in front of the fire on New Year’s Eve.

Snippet reminders of a past beau waft into your life. You’re transported to a special time with a special man. You linger a moment, smiling, before remembering why you are no longer together.

These memories are apparitions of lingering love. They represent a wonderful feeling of when you were in love and felt love in return.

Depending on where your mind drifts after that glimmer, you will either enjoy these reminders or despise them.

If you use them to jog feelings of love, and know it’s possible to have that warmth again, you see these as omens of what’s ahead for you.

If you are drawn into memories of disrespect, fights, infidelity, or worse, you will curse these emotional triggers. If they cause you sadness because a special person isn’t in your life now, or a longing to reunite with an abusive or unfit partner, then you need to stop that thinking and turn it into thoughts that serve you.

It’s not easy to control our thoughts, especially when emotional triggers cause us to be “out of our mind,” even momentarily. Yet we must control our reactions to these triggers and choose to dwell on thoughts that help us rather than detract from what we want.

You can use haunting thoughts of your ex to hold you back or propel you forward. It’s your choice.

How have you framed recurring triggers from exes — as positive signs or negative?
________________

Want to understand other aspects of post-breakup situations? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

“Crush” sounds like a school kid, doesn’t it? Remember those feelings of infatuation, exemplified by your hanging out at the crushee’s locker or outside the gym as he left practice? Or perhaps you were like me, not-so-subtly keeping score for the team on which the object of your desire played.

In high school, I gave hand-knitted scarves to my unrequited loves. Most were never worn. I baked birthday cakes for my make-believe beaus. Once, the oven rack was tilted, so the cake baked lopsided. Discovering this while removing it from the oven, I crafted a creative fix — raising the lower end with donuts secreted underneath, hidden by frosting. The recipient never mentioned the unusual composition of the cake.

At this point in your life, this seems so, well, childish, right? Crushes are for the emotionally immature, aren’t they?

Well, no.

Crushes can happen at any age.

The dictionary defines crush as “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.” So this feeling is for someone not likely to return your ardor.

For example, a few years ago I developed a crush on my happily married ophthalmologist. He’s tall, fit, cute (with a cleft in his chin!), smart, successful (after all, he’s a doctor!) and funny. What’s not to like? Oh, yeah, there’s that part about being married. Ugh. But that didn’t keep me from ensuring I always looked my best and giggling at his funny comments when in the exam chair. Or fantasizing about what if he wasn’t married.

There are low-level crushes and intense crushes. The former is what I have on my auto mechanic’s office manager. Do I obsess about this green-eyed, divorced, midlife cutie? No. But I make sure to put on makeup and stylish jeans whenever I take in my car for repair.

An intense crush is when you drive by his house on the weekend hoping to catch him outside or see if his car is in the driveway. Or you just happen to be in his office building when you know he’s going to lunch. Or you join his gym even though it’s miles out of your way and plant yourself there during his workout times. That’s akin to stalking.

The positives of crushes are they rekindle your feelings of aliveness and romantic possibility. The downsides include spending inordinate time and energy focusing on someone who is most likely never going to return your enthusiasm. You are setting yourself up for disappointment if not downright humiliation.

Luckily, my crushees have either ignored my desperately craving their attention, or have graciously accepted my overtures without encouraging me. Perhaps that’s part of why they earned my adoration — they embodied kindness.

Have you had midlife crushes? How did you get over obsessing on the unattainable? Or if you’ve been the object of someone else’s crush, how have you discouraged them graciously?

________________

Want to know more about infatuations? Download your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Our Valentine’s contest judges found it difficult to choose a winner because there were so many good entries. I wish I had more prizes to award! I’m sure there will be other contests in the future as I seem to now be getting a regular stream of prize offerings.

But the winner — by a nose — was Mark’s entry:

Do look at her and drink her in and realize that somehow, miraculously, she’s even more incredibly cute and sexy right now than she’s ever been. Oh my gosh, if you weren’t in a public place, you’d ravish her!

Don’t notice that she has a few extra pounds or a bit of gray in her hair or a wrinkle or two around her eyes. That just means she is where you are and she understands life the way you do, the way someone much younger can’t.

I guess it appealed to our middle-aged sensibilities! Thank you for all the creative, funny, sweet and touching entries.

My pal and fellow blogger Ronnie Ann Ryan of “It’s Never Too Late for Love” is hosting a blog-a-thon featuring guest bloggers this week. She’s featured my posting, “Ideas for Women Who Are Sweetie-less for Valentine’s Day,” as the first for this Valentine’s week. Here’s the link. Check back every day to see what her other guests have written.

Again several suppliers approached me with some fabulous prizes. I only have to mention their offer and they’ll provide great prizes to give one of you — but you have to enter to win!

The contest is for your best example of “This Valentine’s Day: Do This, Not That.” For example, “Do feed her fancy. Don’t decide on delivery.” My example would be “Do take her to watch her favorite team play. Don’t give her just a cardboard cutout of one of the players.” Or “Do give her special white wine glasses as that’s all she drinks. Don’t give her red wine glasses because you want the proper glass when you drink your red wine at her house.” See other examples.

What can you win?

• From The Body Shop, a his and her “Redemption Kit” package (valued at approx. $110)

• Love Etc. Eau de Toilette
• Love Etc. Body Butter
• Love Etc. Body Wash
• White Musk for Men Eau de Toilette
• White Musk for Men Aftershave Balm
• White Musk for Men Hair & Body Wash

• From 1800Flowers.com, a beautiful bouquet of roses and Peruvian lilies (pictured). (Their Valentine’s Day special includes free weekday shipping collection and red roses collection.) ($45 value)

• Your choice of any of my eBooks. (Priceless!)

Contest rules:

• Submit your best example of “This Valentine’s Day: Do This, Not That” in a comment on this post.
• Deadline: midnight EST Feb. 14, 2010.
• If you win, you’ll need to supply a non-PO Box address for the prizes to be sent to you.

Valentine’s Day can be emotionally brutal for some people. A friend shared that the holiday celebrating love fell that right after her divorce was final. She was feeling lonely and unloved and was unprepared for her emotional response to watching coworker after coworker get flowers, balloons and gifts delivered to work. It hit her hard.

So to help you get through any negative emotions Valentine’s Day conjures up for you, I decided to provide you with a date — with me!

Or at least with my books.

To encourage you to curl up with someone/thing warm, fun, witty, insightful (humility has never been my strong suit), I’m offering you a very special limited time Valentine’s Day deal: 50% off any of my books. Buy one, two or all — you’ll get half off. Tell your friends. Or buy them as gifts for your midlife, single friends! They’ll love you even more for it.

I’m sure you haven’t read them all yet — have you?

If you want me to autograph a copy to you (or your friends), order the printed version of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? I’ll get it in the mail within 24 hours of the order.

And remember, you get a copy of the eBook Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with any book purchase.

The secret discount code to use at checkout: HALFOFF.

(Fine print: Cannot be used in conjunction with other discounts. Offer ends at midnight 2/14/10.)

All Dating Goddess books

If you’ve scanned any online profiles, you’ve probably been shocked at how poorly written 98% of them are. It seems few people can 1) write a coherent, typo-less sentence, and 2) describe themselves accurately and compellingly.

Enter a new service: ProfileWiz. Their press release describes it as:

“… a new service that produces a 500-word personalized dating profile in less than five minutes. The site poses 22 questions and presents possible answers in the forms of photos. Simply select the photo that answers such queries as “What sparks a conversation with you?” or “If you had an extra hour today, what would you do?”

“When completed, the quiz produces a written profile that illuminates the user’s personality, dating preferences and desires. The profile is fully customizable, as ProfileWiz offers interchangeable sentences to describe key attributes which can be selected or modified by the user to reflect their unique tastes, mood, humor and attitude. Like having your own, personal Cyrano de Bergerac to pen your profile, the site is capable of writing more than 64.1 trillion possible combinations to ensure the profile is both unique and engaging.”

I tried it. The output actually is pretty good. You can customize any part, writing in your own words or clicking through their suggestions for the heading or specific paragraphs. Here’s what the site generated for my first paragraph:

“Neat, Intelligent, Clean, Easy-going girl here… (See what I did there?) I’m also a pretty fun to hang out with and, perhaps you can tell, I don’t take life too seriously. There’s a part of me that’s really calm and peaceful. I really like getting close to nature and exploring in the great outdoors! As for my take on life, I’m a natural organiser and thrive on being busy. I get a real kick out of having lots to do.”

Since I would never call myself a “girl,” I could change that. Nor would I use initial capitals after a comma, or put an explanation point after “outdoors,” but I am a writer and editor.

And it sounds like I’m a granola gal, hiking up muddy hills every weekend. Nope, not me. My heels get stuck in the mud! So I could take out the emphasis on that, and in fact, can retake the assessment to see what it would generate if I chose fewer outdoor photos.

You can export your profile to easily plunk into any dating site.

A nit to pick, which I’ve reported to the developers, is a few of their questions don’t match what is generated. For example, it asks to select an image of a great date, so I selected bumper cars which I think are fun. But the profile translated that to “my idea of a good first date is something a bit light-hearted and wacky.” Actually, my first date ideal is someplace where we can talk and interact, which we couldn’t do on bumper cars. That would be good for a second date, not a first date.

And of course it generalizes since the profile is based on your responses to 22 questions. So when I chose a foreign beach locale as my dream life, the profile said, “My dream life? Simple really — sun, sea, sand. Not a care in the world. Care to join me on my desert island?” Well, my dream life is being a citizen of the world, not only living on a beach.

It’s written in British English, so if you’re in the US, you’ll have to take out extra “u”s and other British spellings. Another nit-pick — for some reason some sentences don’t have a space after the period. Odd.

But generally, I think the text generated is much, much, much better than what most folks post on sites. So if you feel you’re writing impaired, try it, then change the parts that don’t reflect you accurately. You profile will stand out among the dreck!

ProfileWiz is offering the first 1,000 people to visit http://www.profilewiz.com/18001 a free, completely personalized profile.

________________

Want to know more about making online dating sites work for you? Download your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

A friend invited me to lunch with her and her 62-year-old sister. “Sis” is dating, although she admitted to only having one date a year, so I use the term “dating” loosely.

Sis shared about her one 2009 date. She’d met the guy online, talked a few times by email and phone, and felt they had enough in common to meet for lunch. Their conversation began pleasantly, until about 20 minutes passed when he said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I don’t sleep with women on the first date.”

She was incensed, threw $20 on the table to cover her lunch and stalked out without saying a word. When he called a few days later to ask what he’d said that was offensive, she responded, “It’s clear there’s no reason to waste time explaining. Don’t call again,” and hung up.

My friend asked what I would have done. I said, “Assuming he hadn’t been uncouth up to that point, I would have said, ‘I’m so glad we’re on the same page!’ and laughed it off.”

I asked Sis why she was offended. “He made an assumption that I was trolling for sex. Assumptions like that are unforgivable.”

“I wouldn’t have had that interpretation,” I responded. “Was there other conversation that suggested sex?”

“No, not prior to that.”

Based on what she’d shared, I felt her response was over the top. In fact, I felt she made assumptions that weren’t warranted. We didn’t further explore the scenario, but I’m thinking she had some previous experience with a man (or men) who expected sex on the first meeting, or accused her of wanting the same.

The lessons for us all are:

1. If you get upset over a dating encounter, later check with a friend to see if s/he thinks you overreacted. If so, identify the trigger and where in the past you felt similarly. Most likely your reaction has little to do with the recent experience, and more about something you thought was unjust in the past. You will continue to react inappropriately and repel potential mates until you heal the past, through inner work, either alone or with a counselor.
2. If you are on the receiving end of an overreaction, check with an opposite sex friend to see if you might have unknowingly pushed a button commonly shared by that gender. Or see if your pal thinks what you did warranted the response you received. If your pal thinks your behavior was fine, then write it off to your date being triggered and it had nothing really to do with you. Know that this person has some issues they need to work on and probably best that you not be in the picture while they do.

Have you had someone on a date get incensed with something you thought was innocent?

___________________

To understand more about what can happen on an initial encounter, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

In the early getting-to-know you stage of dating, it’s not unusual for there to be some miscommunication. However, how one handles these hiccups tells you a lot about the person’s thinking. This is a good thing, as if their thinking is 180-degrees off from yours, you learn early that you aren’t a match.

Today I received a call from a nice potential suitor, with whom I’d exchanged a few emails and had a good, lengthy first call last week. He is intelligent, a good conversationalist, articulate, and clear on what he’s looking for. At the end of that first conversation, he said he liked our conversation very much and wanted to meet me in the next few weeks when he visits some clients in my area, a 2-hour drive from him.

I said that was a great idea. We agreed that if one of us had the itch to call the other in the interim, to feel free to dial the other’s digits.

Clear, right? Transparent, right? We both thought so.

His call today was prompted by another women from the same site “chewing him out.” After an initial conversation with her, he also left it that he’d call when he arranged his calendar to be in her area. In the second call, however, she chastised him for not calling sooner nor arranging to meet her immediately. He was taken aback.

He was concerned that he might not be meeting my expectations either and didn’t want to blow it with me. I explained that I was fine with how we left it. Had he pressed for an immediate meeting, he might have appeared a bit desperate. I assured him that if he was as clear with her as he was with me, she was being needy, not him being neglectful.

After the initial shock when I’ve received calls similar to the one he received, I’ve been grateful that the man showed his true colors so early on. I consider it ducking a big bullet as we know how much time and emotional energy we can invest in someone who seems like they might be a good match for us. By seeing the mismatch early on it saved us a lot of energy.

I was impressed at this man’s taking responsibility for ensuring he and I had the same understanding. I think it takes a strong person to broach what could be an awkward conversation.

When I was beginning to date five years ago, I now see how my neediness and loneliness could have prompted expectations like the woman who’d chewed out my new friend. I didn’t know how relationships evolved and thought that if a man was interested in me, he should be pursuing me, damnit! And fast! And if we didn’t quickly go to talking every day, I thought he was a player or just not that into me.

Now I realize that relationships take time to build. If a man starts calling me every day and we haven’t even met — that’s a red flag. Whenever that’s happened, it’s spelled trouble. And if I expect him to call every day and then chew him out for not doing so, something’s wrong — and generally it’s with my expectations.

Have you had someone chastise you for not meeting their expectations early in dating? If so, did you continue to see them or call it quits? Have you ever chewed out someone for not behaving like a sweetie when you’re really just getting to know each other?
___________________

Want to know more about the ins and outs of getting to know multiple people simultaneously? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Dear readers: I was asked to write an article for a publication about 10 tips on how to be successful in dating after 40, so thought I’d share it with you all, too.

You’ve been single for a while. You would like to have a special man in your life. But how?

Women reentering the dating scene after a long absence need to first examine if they are ready to date again. After all, not only is there the possibility of being swept off your feet by a romantic, loving man, there’s the chance of being swept over the cliff of heartbreak. Here are some tips on how to ensure you enjoy your adventure of dating after 40, not dread the next coffee date.

• Examine your expectations
  Although you say you want a tall, dark, handsome, loving, articulate, successful man, very few of them look like George Clooney.  Most have at least one of the following: receding hairline (if any hair at all), paunch, some “baggage” from past relationships, kids still needing some guidance and perhaps loans, and some less-than-stellar housekeeping habits. Know what you can live with and what are deal breakers. An occasional sock left on the floor is tolerable – his 35-year-old son living with Dad because he’s waiting for his band’s big break is not.

• Have courage
  It takes courage to get your cute on to meet someone for a first coffee date. There’s always the possibility he will leave after 10 minutes explaining he’s just not attracted to you (as I had happen once). Ouch! But it says more about him than you. In my experience of going out with 101 men in five years (this was not a life goal!), about half of the first dates don’t result in a second. So you have to have the courage to keep putting yourself out there if you are clear you want a special man in your life again.

• Assess your assets
  If you have been out of the dating scene awhile, it’s easy to think, “Who would possibly think I’m attractive?” The definition of attractiveness varies with the person. Some men find a dazzling smile trumps a few extra pounds. Others find long legs or a hour-glass figure outshine a few wrinkles. Discover your own assets. And dress to them. Get a makeover at a nearby department store. Tell the personal shopper you want some date clothes — and wear them! Sometimes it takes others to see assets that we mistakenly call liabilities.

• Be willing to go on “practice dates.”
  The first few dates with strangers are nerve-wracking. You’re wondering, “How will I greet him?” “What if he leaves after a few minutes?” “What if he tries to kiss me?” “What if he’s odious?” So go out with a few men who you aren’t overwhelmingly attracted to but seem interesting. You’ll have your wits about you more than if you are agog over someone. Keep the date short — ideally just coffee. You don’t want to waste either of your time, but you may meet a nice guy.

• Vet him before agreeing to even coffee.
  You can avoid many dud dates by talking to a potential suitor a few times on the phone before agreeing to even coffee. If you feel you’ve had enough practice, dates and are only interested in meeting men with a potential future, then learn to hear cues he’s worth meeting. Men disclose a lot by emails and on the phone. If he talks 90% of the time and doesn’t ask you a question (or the question is, “What are you wearing?”), you know you don’t need to meet. He doesn’t know how to be in conversation — let alone relationship — with someone.

• See every encounter as a possible treasure.
  Several dozen of the 101 men have remained pals — in some cases, treasured friends. I wouldn’t have crossed paths with these men any other way except we were in the dating pool. So if you meet a lovely man and after a few dates just don’t feel any romantic connection, you don’t have to sever the relationship. You can ask if he’d be open to your being friends. Some will say yes, others no.

• Be “in wonder” if he does something you think odd.
  Some behaviors may be just odd. An executive licked his knife at a white-table-clothed restaurant. Another professional ate his salad with his fingers. One emailed me that I was “the one” but he hadn’t bothered to contact me in months. I often scratch my head, saying, “What is he thinking?” It’s no surprise to you that men and women think and act differently. Expecting a man to act like you and your gal pals is setting yourself up for disaster. So instead of being judgmental, try to be curious and “in wonder.” Think, “Let me imagine a scenario where this would be considered appropriate.” Of course, if you are wondering that too often, probably time to let this one go.

• If he’s not a jerk, agree to another encounter.
  First dates don’t often end with you both enamored with the other. But love can grow if you give it a little time. So if he wasn’t a jerk, odious, or had other deal breakers, agree to another encounter if he asks. But make sure it’s reasonably short – a walk, museum visit, lunch or dinner. I’ve congratulated myself when a man wanted a second date that would have taken all day and I would have felt trapped, yet I insisted on something shorter. In a second date, one lets their hair down a bit more, so deal-breaker behaviors or information come out (“I still live with my wife/mother”).

• Beware of falling too fast
  If you’ve been without a partner for a while, it’s easy to fall for the first nice, attentive guy who comes along. Resist, as his niceness may have nothing to do with his interest in you, but just how he behaves to every woman. He was taught chivalry, which is endearing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s showing you that he thinks you’re special. Loneliness causes us to misinterpret politeness for attraction. Keep your heart in check until enough time has passed that he’s shown his caring for you multiple times.

• Keep the attitude of adventure.
  Just like a treasure hunt, you never know when or where you’ll uncover a prized gem. It’s easy to get discouraged (after 101 men!), but know that you are learning a lot about yourself, men, and what you want along the way. Just like an explorer, you’ll find lots of dead ends. But if you are committed to your goal of finding a special sweetie, you can’t give up. And you’ll be amazed at how having an adventuresome spirit is alluring to many men!

All of these concepts are discussed in more detail in Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 13-book series. You’ll enjoy your “date” with the Dating Goddess by curling up with each of them.

All Dating Goddess books

Junk in the trunk. Flat. Round. Taut. Soft. Sagging. Dimpled. Some have shelves on the top, others underneath. You could bounce a quarter off a few. So many sizes and shapes.

Songs have been written about buns. “Baby’s got back” is a high compliment in some circles.

People can be derrière devotees. Caboose connoisseurs. Ass aficionados.

So much so that they mention their preferences in their dating profiles. I’m told some women feature their keister in their profile pics.

I had an epiphany about rumps in exercise class the other day. Being tall, I purposefully stand near the back. Which opens up a sea of keisters jiggling — or not — before me. I observe, like a scientist, the various sizes, shapes and textures.

Unless you’ve seen photos of your behind, most of us have only a rough sense of how our tush looks to others. We know if it is large or small, flat or round, but most of this assessment is from the side or at an awkward angle. Unless you have a 3-way mirror in your house, you only occasionally see your heinie the way others do when you are in a store dressing room.

Many of us don’t think about our bum a lot, unless we’re trying on a new garment or have a hard time zipping pants that fit fine when you wore them a few months ago. The common question, “Do these make my butt look big?” is posed because we are concerned about how we look from the back, and have few opportunities to see for ourself.

I’ve heard women say a man isn’t attractive because he had “no butt.” A friend dated his last girlfriend largely because she had junk in her trunk. I find it interesting that a body part that we seldom see for ourself has such allure to others.

Do you find yourself drawn to specific posterior types? So much so that your fondness overshadows other characteristics? Or have you been turned off by less or more in the buns department? Do you feel your own tushie is a liability or an asset?
_________________

Want to articulate what is alluring about you? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

My 55-year-old successful gal pal was recounting her 5-year dating experience. She bemoaned her encounters with men who were not comparable economically or emotionally. It is a common lament for successful midlife women. The wail is, “Where are the men like us?”

We shared our various successes and frustrations with finding available men organically and online dating. We agreed it was pretty easy to get a date with someone online.

The challenge is to get a date with someone with whom we want a second date and who feels the same. Most often, neither of you wants a second date. Sometimes you wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but he doesn’t feel the same. Or he’d like to see you again, but you’re clear there’s no appeal for you.

My friend said she’d begun to explore It’s Just Lunch and Dinner for Six, but wasn’t willing to pay $5000 for 10 dates — $500/date seemed extreme. When she queried the sales rep for one of these on how many over-50 men were enrolled in her area, the rep wouldn’t say. She was told there were 200 local men members, and she did the math. If 100 of them were over 50, how many of them might be a reasonable match? She decided she wasn’t willing to pay such a large fee for the miniscule chance one of these 100 men would be compatible with her.

She’s tried hanging out in upscale bars and had men approach her. But none resulted in a date.

Dating her clients isn’t a possibility. She can try to date friends of friends and find possible dates through chance encounters doing errands or hobbies. She was considering attending over-50 singles events, but she’s shy so would feel more comfortable doing this with a pal. She’ll also try taking classes that may draw men at her level, and attending some more professional events.

I’m told educated, accomplished women of all ages face this situation. If a man is as well educated or accomplished as she is, he has other deal breakers. Are we pickier than other women? Perhaps. We don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t meet basic standards. Yes, there are plenty of good men who may not make as much money as an accomplished woman, or who may not be as educated. For some women, that’s not a problem. But for some, it is.

How have you met available men of equal station in life as you? How have you dealt with a wide disparity between your accomplishments and men you’ve dated? If it hasn’t been a problem, how did you make peace with the differences?

Have you considered how much testosterone impacts our dating lives? And for that matter, our lives in general? Since both men and women have testosterone, I was interested in Public Radio International’s “This American Life” show called “Testosterone” last year. It was a fascinating listen.

A man who stopped producing testosterone due to a medical treatment described life without the hormone. Unlike his normal, testosterone-filled life, he saw everything as beautiful. His objectivity sharpened. His criticalness declined. His desire for anything — food, work, sex — reduced dramatically.

In another interview, Griffin Hansbury, who started life as a woman and now lives as a man, shared his experience of taking massive testosterone injections seven years ago. He explains how testosterone changed his views on nature vs. nurture.

Griffin said the most overwhelming feeling was increased libido and desire for sex. His mind flooded with aggressive pornographic images when seeing even mildly attractive women. Everyday things turned erotic. Erections came easily. He said he felt like a monster that he couldn’t control. His inner feminist dialog commonly fought with his macho instincts.

What if, as Griffin explains, men are hard pressed to control these actions? Griffin has the advantage of having lived life as a woman and knows how it feels to be on the receiving end. He has sensitivity to feeling disrespected and treated like a sexual object. Yet with all that insight, he still found he was challenged not to think obscene thoughts about women he encountered on the street or subway. So if he fought the thoughts, what chance does a man have who isn’t so aware?

This program helped explain why man some men do what they do. Women often denigrate men’s behavior — especially around unseemly sexual comments or approaches. “What a jerk.” “What a sleezeball.” “What a dirty old man.” How about: “This man clearly doesn’t understand what is socially appropriate.”

Smart men learn to not express their sexual thoughts aloud in inappropriate settings. Yet some cannot control the physical sensations they get from being around a woman who turns them on. They can only stay seated with a napkin on their lap for so long.

Midlife men have candidly shared they are afraid they will lose their libido. Some have already experienced it slipping. They have lived with continual sexual thoughts for so long, they’ve allowed it to define themselves and their masculinity. Without ongoing sexual images, they feel less virile. They seem to be so happy to have sexual thoughts and reactions, they can’t help themselves from sharing them with us!

Does this forgive men who express their sexual desires inappropriately? Does it suggest grace for those who press for sex too early. No. However, it does explain why some men behave the way they do. They aren’t socially savvy enough to realize how off-putting it is. Perhaps they’ve been schooled by porno flicks to believe that women like this. After all, the men in the videos always seem to get the hot babe, right?

So while I’m not saying to accept inappropriate sexual talk or behavior from anyone, those with mid to higher levels of testosterone seem to have sex on their mind more often than those with lower levels. And women with higher testosterone levels can behave similarly to men with high levels, too.

What’s your take on how testosterone can inadvertently run some behaviors? How do you manage it if you have a higher level, or if someone you’re dating has a higher level and is always expressing their sexual interest to you?

_______________

Want to understand more about what makes men do what they do? Order your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors today!

We just created a new video, “Avoiding Dud Dates After 40″ based on real-life experiences I’ve had with men — before I even met them! We tried to make t fun. See what you think. If you like it, would you do me the favor of sharing it through Facebook, Twitter, etc.?

Video produced by www.videoproductionprimeau.com

______________

To learn how to vet men before agreeing to even coffee, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

A gal pal recently asked me why I thought a man would go poof after expressing great interest in a woman. The obvious answers would be:

• he was a player and said he was very interested in every woman
• something happened for him to lose interest (e.g., she said/did something that was off-putting; he got more interested in someone else; he got busy with work).

However, I think there is another, less commonly discussed possibility:

He decided that if the relationship worked out, he would have to change his life patterns too much and he liked his life pretty much as it was, thank you very much. Even with the carrot of regular sex, it would be too much adjusting to get to that point. And besides, if a new relationship would be anything like his former one(s), he wouldn’t be getting that regular sex for very long before he’d be putting up with an unhappy, nagging woman who wanted him to change for her to be happy.

The other day I’d learned that a long-time single friend had finally found a beau whom she dated exclusively for six months. However, he told her last week that he’d decided to focus on his competitive bridge (the card game) playing and therefore wouldn’t have time for her. They broke up.

So this man decided that playing bridge was more of a priority than a relationship with my friend.

Keep in mind that my friend is an attractive, loving, intelligent, caring, woman, not some controlling, nagging shrew. But I have no idea if their relationship was contentious or not. For the sake of this discussion, let’s assume they had an enjoyable time together, they liked hanging out together, and they liked enough of the same activities to make them compatible. But bridge wasn’t something they shared. So he decided he had to choose.

We could say this was a sign he just wasn’t that into her. Or it could be a sign he was clear what he wanted, and spending time in a relationship wasn’t as important to him as mastering the game of bridge. I don’t judge him — I think it’s best to not try to lie to your partner about your priorities and make him/her think you are willing to invest time in the relationship when you aren’t.

In Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? we explore are you ready for a relationship? Are you willing to invest time in growing the relationship? And if you know you only want something casual, do you clearly communicate that to potential suitors, so those looking for a LTR don’t waste their time and their heart in you?

And if you know you have a hobby or work that you want to focus on, don’t pretend you will make the time for the relationship when really you won’t.

Have you ever broken up with someone when you realized you’d rather be spending time on a hobby, sport or work than with them? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of this decision? If so, how did you feel?

_____________________

Not sure if you’re really ready to date? Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? will help you decide.

I’ve been approached by the PR firm for the new movie “It’s Complicated” offering prizes for you, my readers! Additionally, the PR firm for K-Y Brand “Yours+Mine” and “Intense” personal lubricants offered prizes. Plus I’ll add copies of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? and some Flirt-O-Grams. So we are going to combine the prizes for the winners of the first Dating Goddess contest!

To follow the theme of the “It’s Complicated” movie, the contest will be for the best stories about attraction to a former love. You can write up to 500 words telling us the story of your attraction and what happened (please keep it clean). Write your entry here in a comment. Tell your friends!

The prizes are:

First place:

• $50 Visa gift card
• “It’s Complicated” tote bag filled with an apron, T-shirt, blanket/throw and the official soundtrack
• Autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
• K-Y Brand “Yours+Mine” and “Intense”
• “Aggressively Single” Flirt-O-Gram™ 25-pack

Second place:

• “It’s Complicated” tote bag filled with an apron, T-shirt
• Autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
• K-Y Brand “Yours+Mine” and “Intense”
• “Aggressively Single” Flirt-O-Gram™ 25-pack

Third place:

• “It’s Complicated” tote bag filled with an apron and T-shirt
• Autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
• “Seize the Day” Flirt-O-Gram™ 10-pack

Contest rules:

• Deadline is January 15, 2010.
• 500-word limit on entries. All entries must be submitted here in the Comments to this posting. Put “Contest Entry” at the top so we know you’re not just commenting on someone else’s entry. Inappropriate entries will be deleted.
• Anyone can enter.
• You can submit more than one entry.
• Winners will be emailed for mailing address to send prizes.

_______________________

Don’t want to enter but still want the prizes? Order your own Flirt-O-Grams™ and/or Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

I mean this literally — not are you internally talking yourself out of going on a date.

For example, recently I had two conversations with a new guy. About 30 minutes into the second conversation, I said I needed to get back to work. He asked if I’d like to get together. I said, “Sure, we could meet for coffee. What part of town do you live in?”

He responded that he lived near an upscale shopping center that I like to frequent.

“Great. We could meet there.”

He then launched into a 10-minute rant about how he wasn’t into expensive dinners, he rarely went to nice restaurants, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam.

I had suggested coffee, not dinner, and the more he talked and repeated himself, the less I wanted to meet him.

Finally, I repeated that I needed to go. He said he’d like to meet me but he would leave it to me to contact him if I wanted to get together. I politely said okay and hung up.

It was not only his assuming I was after an expensive dinner when I’d clearly stated coffee, but his repetition was irritating. Then there was the fact that I do like nice dinners once in a while and I knew I wouldn’t really be happy with someone who was allergic to white tablecloths.

I’m sure I have talked myself out of dates as well. The challenge is we have no idea what we said that was off-putting to the other.

Some say email and phone filtering is effective as it reveals mis-matched characteristics quickly without going to the trouble of actually meeting. But part of me wonders if we aren’t limiting our choices by judging someone on a sliver of information. On the other hand, these conversations often telegraph values and preferences enough that you know you are too different to be a match.

Have you been interested in someone until they talked too much? Have you felt someone’s interest wane as you talked on the phone? Do you think weeding someone out over the phone is effective, or do you give them the benefit of the doubt and meet anyway?

_________________

Learn more of what to look for before agreeing to meet someone by ordering your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

Got a midlife dater (or would-be dater) on your holiday gift list? Want something special that will add value to your loved one’s life, not get shoved in a drawer or closet? Or maybe you want someone to give YOU a useful and memorable gift!

Give one (or more!) of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™ books and get a bonus eBook with each book purchase! So you really get two books for the price of one. The bonus book is Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts. Download instructions are in every book.

If you order Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? I’ll happily autograph it to the recipient if you provide the name. A personalized autographed book is always a prized possession.

There are deep discounts for quantities so order a bunch!

Or if you want a fun stocking stuffer, Flirt-O-Grams™ are perfect. The “Seize the Day” package of 10 is only y $4.95; the “Aggressively Single” package of 25 is only $9.95.

We can send your order directly to your loved ones, or send it to you to wrap and give. Just tell us what you want in the notes section of your order, or drop us an email.

Act now to make sure your treasured gift is received on time.

Details

You’ve heard people utter this phrase about a hapless dater — or would-be dater. Perhaps you’ve said it yourself after a vexing encounter with a single. And of course, it can be said about either gender.

The speaker usually says it after an unpleasant interaction, or even hearing about someone’s clueless behavior. I thought it myself recently after a potential suitor’s second call, during which this accomplished, intelligent man was argumentative and condescending.
But whenever I hear someone matter-of-factly say, “No wonder he (or she) is single,” I think, “But I’m single. Just because someone is still single doesn’t mean s/he is clueless, offensive, or uncouth.”

I’d guess no one considers him/herself clueless, offensive, uncouth or any unflattering adjective. We justify our behavior as being appropriate based on our logic. The man I deemed argumentative probably thought he was just pointing out the flaws in my thinking. The know-it-all at Thanksgiving dinner probably thought he was just imparting his knowledge to those who didn’t know what he knew — even though others shared their knowledge about the topic. The person who gets defensive and quarrelsome says she’s just standing up for herself.

Can these behaviors cause someone to remain single longer than they’d like? Absolutely. Yet, I see these same behaviors in coupled people too. So did they become this way after they married? Or did their sweetie just learn to live with them? Who knows.

The fewer obnoxious behaviors you have, the easier it is to find someone who wants to be with you. So while I believe in working to reduce irritating behaviors, I also know it’s impossible to eliminate them all. With focus, you can be on your best behavior for a while, but at some point you feel accepted enough to let your guard down and some of the old ways seep to the surface.

If you are brave, you can ask close friends to point out behaviors that they think might be contributing to your still being single. This takes some thick skin and the ability to hear negative feedback without getting defensive or angry. When I’ve had the courage to ask and fully listen, I’m reminded I still have work to do to monitor some of my off-putting behaviors.

It’s easy to think that the reason you are still single is you just haven’t found the right person. Yet, maybe you’re doing some things that keep the right person at bay.

Have you ever asked your friends for feedback on what may be keeping you single? If so, what have you learned?

__________________

Got a midlife dater on your holiday gift list? Any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books make perfect gifts! I’m happy to autograph Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? to the recipient and send it directly to her.

May I Kiss You?

My friend Mike Domitrz is the founder of The Date Safe Project™, and author of May I Kiss You? and Help! My Teen Is Dating. In familiarizing myself with his work, I was taken not only by his commitment to helping kids and young adults to date more respectfully, but with the application of his ideas to midlife daters.

I’ve found there are many assumptions in dating over 40. The first kiss is one area. Rarely has a man asked if he could kiss me. Many times a man has kissed me when, if he had asked, I would not have said “yes.”

But some people think asking takes all spontaneity and passion out of a kiss. Yet when a man has asked, my respect for him goes up considerably. He is showing me respect, not assuming. Some of the most awkward moments in dating have been when a man I don’t want to kiss me does so and I have to quickly extricate myself.

Mike takes it beyond kissing, and says each stage of intimacy should involve permission — no matter who initiates it. By making sure there is explicit permission, it creates more trust, respect and reduces misunderstandings. By asking before moving to the next stage, it gives both parties a chance to pause for a moment and consider what advancing means to them and if they are ready for it.

You may be saying, “This is fine for high school kids. But we are grown adults. We can say no or stop at any time.” Yes, we can. But when you are caught up in the moment, you don’t always consider, “What will moving the next level really mean? How will my expectations change? Is this something I really want to do, or am I caught up in how good it feels?” I think adults are sometimes only slightly more mature about this than young adults.

Putting the onus on the woman to stop the action is not respectful. I’ve had men try to talk me out of my “no” which has felt very disrespectful. Wouldn’t a man want to have a woman who is fully on board with raising the intimacy, rather than one who is just going with the flow? (I know some men will say, “Either is fine!”)

How has your regard changed for a man who asks permission? Have you felt disrespected when a man has just assumed escalating to the next level is fine, putting you in the difficult position of stopping the action?

_________________

Want to understand more about what you need before becoming intimate? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

No, I am not going to tell you to wear low-cut tops, skin-tight clothes nor mini-skirts. Although that is hot on some women for some men. But that’s not the tip I want to tell you.

I’m going to share something I’ve stumbled on in my dating adventure. It may be old hat to you. I’ve been surprised at how universal the effect is on most men, even married pals.

First, though, you may think it odd for me, a woman who is far from svelte to be sharing a tip on how to be hot. But part of the coolness of this tip is that it works with nearly any body type. I’ve learned that “hot” has less to do with one’s body but more with how one carries oneself.

That’s not the tip. But it’s part of it.

People most often list “confidence” as a quality they want in a mate. Many men find women sexy who have good posture, a confident walk, look them in the eye, smile easily and speak assuredly. If a woman also dresses like she likes her body — no matter what its size and shape — many men find that appealing. In fact, a hint of cleavage is much more seductive to many men than showing a lot. A 6″ slit in the front of a skirt showing just a little thigh is much more enticing to many men than a mini-skirt or a high slit.

But the tip I want to share is most appealing when combined with all of the last paragraph. I’ve gotten the most “you’re hot” comments from pals and dates when I’ve worn … patterned hose. I had no idea this was such a turn on to men!

Tasteful, large-paned fishnet-type hose rarely goes unnoticed. You can have subtle fishnets, stripes, lace or herringbone, but the bolder the pattern the better — at least on the hotness meter. But don’t go into garish, wild colors and patterns — those reduce hotness. Men also seem to really like hosiery with a seam up the back, as long as your skirt is above the knee so they can see and appreciate that sexy seam.

But patterned hose on a slouching, timid, dowdily dressed woman isn’t alluring. Men have told me that it takes a confident woman to wear patterned hose that calls attention to her legs. And it doesn’t seem to really matter the shape of your legs — within reason. I have muscular calves and chubby thighs. This doesn’t curtail the comments. But I’m not wearing mini-skirts, either.

So, if you don’t already own at least one pair of patterned hosiery, get to the store or online and order a pair. Stand up straight, smile, and feel even more sexy. Tell me how it works for you.

___________________

If you’d like more information on how to make sure you are using your assets to your advantage, get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

In past postings we have talked about dating’s financial conundrums and how to find balance. We’ve discussed how different financial values and capabilities cause conflict.

In dating, whether we realize it or not, we begin to do what was called a “wallet triage” by one of my hospital clients. This distasteful term was used to describe when they had to determine if a patient could pay for treatment. If not, they had to be sent to the county hospital. It was unpleasant for the staff to ask the uncomfortable questions about someone’s ability to pay while the patient was bleeding or in pain, and it was distressing for those being asked. But the hospital was hemorrhaging funds, and if they treated people without receiving payment, the hospital was going to close, which would have put the community in dire straights. It was a horrible situation for all concerned.

The dating wallet triage is determining if someone’s financial situation is something with which you can live. Especially if the other is in dire straights because of their decisions, not only because of the recession.

This week, a wooer disclosed that he owed the IRS tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes and penalties, plus some other debts. The government recently took ALL the money from his accounts. (Luckily, he was not asking me for any.)

Another man recently shared that he, too, owes back taxes and the IRS now garnishes any funds deposited to his accounts. He goes to check cashing outlets to cash his clients’ checks to get money for gas, food, etc.

I know these times are hard for many, many people. Both these men are intelligent professionals who made some unwise decisions that have caught up with them. I, too, have had financial ups and downs so I empathize with them both.

But as I ponder entering a relationship with a new man, I know I want someone who is financially sound. He doesn’t have to be weathly, but he needs to have his life mostly in order.

Both these men are natty dressers. The first one recently took a week-long vacation and shared he’d bought some new shoes, since he’s a shoe fancier. I don’t know about you, but if I have a closet full of functional shoes and owe the government tens of thousands of dollars, I’m not going to buy any new shoes, no matter how much I like them.

My ex floated a large debt for nearly all of our marriage. I have been in debt, and when I am, I don’t buy anything extraneous. I live frugally and put all my extra funds toward paying off that debt in months instead of years. My ex saw no problem with buying frivolous items even though he had large debt. It’s a matter of different values and priorities. I hate to be in debt and do everything I can to avoid it, and if I can’t, I pay it off quickly.

I found that being with a man who was always in debt meant we couldn’t do things that were important to me — and he said were important to him, too — or I would pay for them all myself. So when it was time to paint the house, he didn’t have the money (we’d usually split these expenses), so I paid for it. I didn’t mind paying for vacations or household improvements sometimes. But I resented it when he said he didn’t have the money to do what we both said was needed, then would buy something frivolous for himself.

You have to look at your own values around money and what’s important to you. If a man shows early on his values about money are very different than yours, best to discuss it if you can, or let him go. If his situation is temporary because of the recession, that’s one thing. But if he continues to make what you consider unwise decisions, best to move on as you’ll be fighting about money sooner or later.

_________________

Explore other elements of what you want in your next mate. Download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

We’d been talking for a few weeks before meeting. I’m not fond of trying to kindle a relationship with someone living 1000 miles away, but he had certain rare attributes I’ve been looking for in a partner, but unable to find locally.

He arranged to stop in my city on his way home from a business trip. At dinner, he was as charming in person as on the phone and IM. We laughed and talked easily as we already knew a good deal about each other. He was a perfect gentleman, sharing his delight about our meeting and never trying to force more intimacy than a first meeting warranted.

I picked him up the next day and we visited some mutually interesting sites, had a leisurely walk, lunch, and got to know each other better. We both realized the face-to-face meeting shifts the interactions.

Mid-afternoon, he said, “I want to disclose certain things I think you should know.” He didn’t share anything shocking — no not-quite-complete divorce, no baby mamas, no incarceration, no major health issues, no deep indebtedness, no sex-change operation. His disclosures were reasonably normal — a small debt from co-signing a loan for a relative who defaulted, some frustration about growing his business, and a few personal foilables.

I was touched by his forthrightness. I interpreted his initiating sharing his situation as showing he cared and was intending our relationship to be long term. He wanted to put his cards on the table and let me see what I’d be getting into if we went forward.

Perhaps my appreciation for this man’s disclosures were a reaction to my last beau’s secrecy. Getting information about basic things like how he’d spent his day was always a struggle. This man shared freely.

I realize the sharing may be just the tip of the iceberg and there may be much, much more that has yet to be disclosed. I also realize it could all be made up, but there hasn’t been anything that didn’t gel. I know, too, that some men use such disclosures as a way to manipulate the woman into trusting them.

I felt none of that with this man. He didn’t press me to escalate our connection after he’d shared his information. It did make me feel a bit more fond of him, however.

Have you had someone disclose personal information quickly? If so, did you think it was suspicious or did you appreciate it?

_____________________

If you’d like to understand more of what can happen on early dates, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

Chupah

I attended a lovely Jewish wedding last weekend. The bride was resplendent and the groom handsome as they stood under the  chupah in front of the rabbi (the bride’s father) and the cantor (her god-father). Outside at sunset, the family and friends stood encircling the couple on the grass. The cantor’s sweet singing, including a song he wrote for the bride, soared in the crisp evening air. Candle luminaria lit the lawn on which we all stood, and a lone guitarist strummed entrance and exit music.

I’d arrived early, and my friend (the bride’s mother), showed me and another couple the quaint sleeping rooms in the inn where the ceremony and celebration were held. In showing me the bridal suite, she mentioned that in traditional or Biblical Jewish tradition, when a couple has sex they are then considered married.

Wow!

I spewed out, “Crap! How many men would I be married to then? And can I get alimony?”

But my smart-aleckness aside, it made think how we would approach dating sex differently if doing the act meant we were then married.

Sex – even in midlife – has a broad spectrum of acceptability. One study in the UK showed half the over-40 dating women said they’d be willing to have sex on the first date. Others, like Steve Harvey, say no sex for 3 months. Some people won’t have sex until engagement or marriage. I’m not here to tell you what you should do.

But imagine how you might shift your feelings about when to have sex if doing it meant you were married to the man. That would certainly put the kibosh on booty calls and casual sex.

Thinking of sex with this gravity makes me realize there are very few men with whom I would have been intimate. It puts a whole new spin on the significance of sex.

How would you have led your life differently if having sex meant you were then married? How would it affect how you date now?

_____________________

If you’d like to explore issues relevant to midlife dating sex, order your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

In midlife dating, we sometimes encounter situations that are just too awkward to have a ready-made answer. I remember one from early in my dating re-entry. I wish I could forget it. I’m not sure I would have an easy answer if it happened again.

The gentleman and I were dating a few months and neither of us were exploring dating others, not because of any overt exclusivity discussion. More because we were busy and not unhappy with the relationship, although I wouldn’t say I was happy either. It was a relationship of convenience — at least for me.

We saw each other at least once on the weekend and once during the week. At first he paid for all dinners, and I’d pay for the movie or after-dinner drink or dessert on the way home. Then I stepped up and took turns treating for dinners, too. Although at the time, my divorce had taken a major economic toll on my life. When my ex left, my expenses doubled immediately and my income went down dramatically as I just couldn’t market my services with much gusto.

So when it was my turn to treat, I’d suggest a modest restaurant. When it was his turn, he nearly always chose an upscale one, as he liked wine and fancy meals. Not that I mind those, but he was more insistent about them than me.

One day he asked, “Would you like to go to the Peobo Bryson/James Ingram concert?” I like those artists, but not so much that I would drive the hour to see them and pay a high ticket price. But my beau liked me to accompany him to events like this, so I said yes. He made an attempt to buy the tickets online, but couldn’t complete the transaction. He called me: “I have a client call in 3 minutes and I can’t complete the online transaction. The concert is almost sold out. Can you go online and get the tickets?” What was I to say? I said yes.

The tickets cost more than I would have spent considering my economic situation. I assumed he would pay me back, although he never said he would. When we arrived at the event, he suggested I go to will call while he parked the car. If I did this, I’d miss the opportunity for him to say to the box office, “Can we put this on my credit card?” So I said I’d wait for him at will call while he parked. When he arrived, we asked the clerk for our tickets. Since I’d already paid for them, there was no discussion of payment.

I’m a tad embarrassed to share that as I sat through the concert, I couldn’t shake dwelling on the high cost of the tickets. And I wasn’t enjoying the show that much — probably because I was obsessing about the cost of the tickets.

I felt uncouth and chintzy to bring up the reimbursement for the tickets, so I said nothing. My guy knew I was barely scraping by. How could he not know that this expenditure was more than I’d have volunteered to take on? I stewed and fretted.

It never came up. He was generous to me in some ways, so I justified that I was evening up the score. But I couldn’t shake that if I were going to treat for a high-cost event, it would have been for an artist for whom I was a big fan, not just sort of liked. I felt a little duped to treat for an evening I would have never offered to spring for.

This same man had earlier suggested we go to Paris together for vacation. I told him that my finances could not support such a holiday and perhaps we should wait until I could split the costs. He said he understood my situation and would pay for everything if I would use my frequent flyer points to get us business class tickets. So it wasn’t as if he didn’t know my situation. (We ended up not going because we couldn’t get tickets that fit our schedules.)

The tit and tat of finances during dating can be dicey. More so when you are going out together a lot and/or seeing each other for a while. I now know that this is something that should not be taken for granted but discussed if there is any discomfort.

How do you manage some sense of fairness about dating costs when you’ve been dating someone for a while?

__________________

Explore other uncomfortable situations in Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed. Get your copy today.

I’d posted a brief, “I’m glad you’re in my life” message to my then-beau’s social networking page after we were exclusive for four months.

He said, “I feel like a fire hydrant.”

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

“I feel marked.”

Wow! I hadn’t thought I had posted anything personal. No reference to our dating. No pictures of us snuggling. Nothing I wouldn’t have posted to a dear friend’s site.

Yet he felt I was claiming him as mine to the world. Which, since we’d been dating for 4 months exclusively, I thought he was. But that wasn’t really the purpose of my message. It was just to write something warm to him. Okay, and I thought it was a subtle way to tell all the women sending him love messages and scantily clad pictures that I was actually in his life, and they just wanted to be.

I didn’t imagine my gesture would be interpreted negatively. After all, within weeks of our dating, he had a server take out picture cuddling in a restaurant, then kissing. He then posted these pics to his Flickr page for all his family and friends to see. He didn’t ask my permission to do so, and if he had, I would have been flattered and said “yes.”

Another friend shared he’d felt marked by his then-girlfriend of 6 months. She posted pictures of them cuddling during a weekend getaway. He considered these intimate pictures that he didn’t really want shared with her 700 and his “friends” 500. He said he was a private person and he’d have shared them with his inner circle via email. He resented her posting them without his permission. He felt it was her way of marking him and letting the world know he was hers.

This has given me new perspective on what the people we’re dating are comfortable sharing with the world and what they aren’t. I once posted a blog piece announcing a dinner date’s amazing accomplishment, including his name. (This is the only time I’ve listed any date’s name.) I thought he would like getting a little more publicity. I was wrong! He was livid that I’d posted it as he didn’t want people to know about his personal life, including who he’d taken out to dinner.

Have you been publicly marked? If so, how did you feel? Did he let you know ahead of time, or were you surprised? If you’d marked someone you’re dating, how did he react?
_______________

Are you stymied about the men you’re considering dating? If so, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors

In high school, if a girl is described as thinking she’s “all that” she’s considered arrogant, conceited, stuck up, snobbish. She thinks she’s God’s gift to the world. She’s too good for mere mortals.

Yet, when a young man describes a young woman as “all that” it’s a high compliment. He’s saying she’s sexy, attractive, desirable.

In midlife, do you exude the positive aspects of “all that”? Do you walk with your head high, straight posture, confident? Do you dress flatteringly — age appropriate, neat and well put together? Do you make easy eye contact, have a friendly facial expression?

Of course, the challenge is not to appear conceited, although my observation is that many more women behave less confident than arrogant.

The key is to feel confident, not just pretend. There are those who say “fake it ’til you make it” but I think that is short lived. You need to think of your many positive qualities. Before going out in public, tell yourself to stand tall. Make a practice of looking in the eye anyone who speaks to you. Get in the habit of smiling when you are walking.

You will create an inviting aura. People will smile back at you, say hello, and give you great service. You’ll look like someone who knows who she is and what she wants. Men find this appealing (at least healthy, sane men do).

Positive “all that” means you can be humble and self-deprecating, but with confidence. Sound contradictory? When a strong person shows vulnerability it is powerful.

When have you felt “all that” in a positive way? What self-talk enabled you to exude this presence? How did people react to you?
________________

Want more ideas on how to present yourself with confidence? Order your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

He said this with exasperation. He was weary from his last relationship being more effort than he would have liked. He thought it should be easier.

I told him most relationships were are least some work. They could be easy breezy, but there was some “work” involved — one of you had to initiate contact, you had to be willing to work through any hiccups. This could be considered work by some. And when romance is involved, expectations quickly escalate.

I’ve heard similar laments from others — mostly men. They didn’t want a relationship to be work. Which usually means they want to do what they want when they want and not have to be responsible for their sweetie’s expectations. Which is what got my friend into his “women are work” funk. His last lady expected him to call her regularly and initiate outings — after dating only two weeks. He then had to deal with her angst when she got upset that he wasn’t behaving as she wanted. “Work” indeed.

I believe that a healthy relationship should be minimal “work” yet it needs constant attention. “Work” says that it’s above and beyond what you find pleasurable. You have to do too many things that you’d prefer not to do. Every romantic relationship requires some compromise, some adaptation, some doing what you’d not choose to do on your own.

What’s your experience with “work” in a relationship? When is it too much? Too little?

_____________________

To read more info on how to work out relationship challenges, download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

At my 25-year-old friend’s wedding a few weeks ago, I marveled at not only how elated the couple looked, but also how the parents beamed. As a friend of the groom’s family, I was privy to how they really felt about their new daughter-in-law.

The couple met four years ago. The groom had been adrift, unsuccessful in college and spending the winter working at a ski slope and enjoying his ski bum lifestyle. That changed when they became a couple. She helped him articulate his dreams, set goals, and reenroll in community college, along with her. They got an apartment together and both got jobs. He raised his previously flunking grades to A’s, which allowed them to transfer to a university.

When they got engaged, his mother said to me, “She is the best thing that ever happened to him.”

I thought this when I watched the merry couple at the wedding. It reminded me of my now ex-brother-in-law telling me he’d scolded my ex (his brother) when told he’d left me. My brother-in-law (bless his heart) chastised my ex, telling him: “She’s the best thing that ever happened to you. You’d be an idiot to leave her.”

I realized my ex never told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I don’t think he believed that. In fact, I doubt now he’d consider me or our marriage in the top 20. It made me ponder how our relationship might have been different if we regularly said that to each other, assuming we believed it. I had bouts of believing he was the best thing to ever happen to me, but to be honest, it was rare.

At the post-wedding brunch, I pulled the newlyweds aside separately. I said, “Would you like one idea that will help you have a long, loving and successful marriage? Tell the other every day, ‘You are the best thing that ever happened to me.’ Not just ‘I love you’ — that is important — but also tell him/her how important s/he is to you. Every day.” They both agreed.

In dating, it’s hard to know if the person you’re getting to know will be the best thing that every happened to you or not. But if you find signs that he’s not even in the ball park of someone you think could make a major, positive influence on your life, then best to release him. Most long-term happily committed couples would put meeting and/or marrying their mates as one of the best things that ever happened to them, along with the birth of their children.

But some people think sharing something this important would put you in the lower power position, just like the person who utters “I love you” first. Others say “I love you” as cavalierly as “Pass the salt.” Both “I love you” and “You are the best thing that ever happened to me” are best saved for after you are in an exclusive, and ideally committed, relationship. Before then you can come off as needy saying either.

Hearing “You are the best thing that ever happened to me” — when backed up by congruent actions, of course — solidify bonds. I believe this can be as significant — or perhaps more so — than hearing “I love you,” which has a lot of ambiguity around it these days.

Have you had someone tell you, “You are the best thing that ever happened to me”? If so, how did you feel hearing this?

______________

With your purchase of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series books you get a copy of the bonus eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts, full of thought-provoking ideas from 12 dating/relationship experts! Download instructions are included inside each of the books.

I almost canceled. Why? Was he odious and self-absorbed on the phone? Sex obsessed? Foul mouthed?

No. If he were, I wouldn’t have agreed to coffee.

His emails showed he was smart; his call was interesting, incorporating current events. He could converse about different topics without being obnoxiously opinionated or emphatic.

So why wasn’t I excited about meeting him? I didn’t find anything I was curious to know more about him. He’d been retired for 8 years, although he was still in his 50′s.

I met him anyway, although I was thinking of ways to put him off up until an hour before we met. The bottom line was I just didn’t feel we had enough in common to see him again. I know it is terrible to make this kind of judgment before even meeting him. I encourage others to meet a guy for coffee if there are no glaring red flags in the pre-meeting vetting. Yet here I was violating my own advice.

The conversation meandered through many topics. He stayed focused, didn’t complain about his ex, didn’t ramble about his kids, or friends of friends, or his resume. He tracked with the conversation and made relevant comments.

I vacillated between thinking, “I would have coffee with him again,” to “How do I tell him I don’t feel a spark?” It turned out to be a moot battle in my head, as he didn’t ask to see me again. I learned I was the first woman he’d gone out with after his divorce last year. He’d only been on the dating site a month, and I was “an experiment.”

I was his practice date!

I’ve learned I was the practice date — the first post-divorce encounter — for two other men. One was so needy he determined I was “The One” within 10 minutes. The other was more grounded and he became one of my treasures.

I’d done it many times myself when I was first dating. I’d accept coffee invitations from nearly any man whose profile and conversation were interesting. Those practice dates helped build my confidence and comfort around men who were deciding if they were interested in me or not.

Have you known you were a man’s practice date soon after his divorce/widowhood? If so, did you treat him differently than other men who seemed more experienced?

__________________

For more information on what to expect from initial encounters, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date

Last night Cougar Town aired with 45-year-old Courtney Cox playing Jules. I was hoping for a humorous yet positive portrayal of single women in mid-life. What I saw was a sad commentary full of inconsistencies. I realize sit-coms often have nothing to do with anything near reality.

For example, the first scene is of beautiful, slender Courtney Cox standing naked in front of the mirror inventorying her body’s flaws. Heaven forbid — she has some loose skin around her elbow! Her slender thighs and arms are not as taut as she’d like. I would kill to have her body, yet she’s unhappy that she doesn’t look like her 20-year-old self? I’d say she looks pretty darn close!

Soon we see her lusting after a shirtless young man at her son’s high school sporting event. She tells her girlfriend she’d like to lick this man’s body — with her teenage son sitting next to her! What a great role model of appropriate comments in front of your teenagers!

Courtney’s character appears sex-starved, desperate and angry. She chastises her handsome middle-aged neighbor for dating younger women and not being interested in someone her age. Maybe because she’s so bitter it would be hard to be attracted to her! And yet, she, too, finds solace in bonking younger men and not seeming to be interested in their intellectual capacity or life experience.

She goes out drinking with Laurie, her decades-younger assistant and gets looped. A twenty-something man strikes up a conversation. She leaves when she realizes she’s too wasted, and her gal pal later delivers this young man to her house. She invites him in, treats him like her son’s teenage friends, and he seduces her. Yes, this is exactly what it’s like to be a middle-aged woman dating again!

Her friend Barb is the equivalent of a dirty old man. If her comments were from a man, we’d be disgusted at her sleaziness. She oozes with inappropriate sexual innuendo.

I know there are people like all these characters, and that these people are somewhat exaggerated for the entertainment value. Yet, I always hope — against all logic — that producers will actually paint a positive view of midlife singles based on some more common reality. But we know I hope for a lot of things that aren’t likely to happen!

(When I was contacted last Fall by two TV producers asking me to host a reality dating show for midlifers, I said I wanted to have real-looking people, not pretty actor-types. And I wanted no one to get voted off the show. Needless to say, they couldn’t sell the show because the money-people said the American public only wanted to see young, fit people. I said that so many middle-aged daters didn’t look like what they saw in Hollywood and yet they could be very attractive. No sale. Oh well.)

Did you watch Cougar Town? If so, what did you think?

_______________

Want to know more about the realities of dating in midlife? Get your copy of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 4o books.

Sharing with a gal pal after a second date, I expressed disappointment that my date didn’t treat me like my last beau did. My wise friend said, “You’re expecting him to display boyfriend behavior but he’s not your boyfriend yet.” She was right! In fact, he probably hadn’t even decided he was interested in being my boyfriend.

While we can expect men we’re beginning to date to be courteous and hopefully chivalrous, some behaviors are more along the lines of “taking care of my woman.” Some very chivalrous men behave this way for any woman they know. Others have more of a hierarchy, ascending to the next level as he becomes more fond of her.

Men have shared that when in a relationship, they adopt an attitude of protection toward the woman. They are more concerned that she’s made it home safely, her home is secure and her car won’t break down. They check in with her regularly to make sure if she has any upset he can fix, he will do his darndest.

When just getting to know a woman, a conscientious man will walk a woman to her car, help her on and off with her coat, and open doors. While this shows he cares, these behaviors can also be so engrained he does them for nearly any woman he accompanies, regardless of his romantic interest in her.

I notice when men display these behaviors and appreciate them, but I’ve now learned not to take them as signs a man has feelings for me. It seems each man has different baseline behaviors he displays from the first date and then adds to them as he feels more connection. So if you interpret early behaviors as expressing his attraction to you, you can be disappointed to find that’s how he acts toward all women he’s getting to know.

As your relationship deepens, what if he doesn’t display the boyfriend behaviors you’d like? Of course, you can make requests and if he’s astute he will pick up what you like. So instead of getting angry that he doesn’t do something you want, you can ask him directly, then tell him how much you appreciate it.

For example, you are chilly in the over-air conditioned movie theater, having left your wrap in the car. Don’t just complain how cold it is and expect he’ll offer to get your sweater. Instead ask, “Sweetie, would you be a dear and get my sweater from the car while I hold the seats?” If he’s into you, he will jump at the opportunity to show you he can take care of you. And when he gets back, make sure to say, “Thank you. I appreciate your taking care of me this way.”

Guess what? Next time you say you’re cold, he’ll probably offer to get your coat from the car. If not, just gently ask him. You are training him to display boyfriend behavior that you appreciate. And make sure you acknowledge him when he does what you like. We all like to be acknowledged and if we care about the person, we learn what they like by what they thank us for.

What do you consider boyfriend behavior that you wouldn’t expect early on?

Have you ever been disappointed that someone didn’t display boyfriend behavior when just starting to date?

__________________

Do you want to better understand how to determine if you should keep dating someone after a few dates? Then get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I heard the male version of this the other day from a friend pining for an ex-girlfriend.

Yes, people can change. Some can change at the snap of their fingers, vowing to stop or start a behavior immediately. A few actually accomplish that.

Others change after starts and restarts, taking days/weeks/months/years/decades to adopt the new behavior. Some are eventually successful; others never are.

And some people have no desire to make the change, even though they tell you (and perhaps themselves) they do. They make the verbal commitment and maybe some half-hearted attempts (or not!), but never shift one iota.

But nearly all of us do change. Some consciously and with effort to become better. Some, with no consciousness or effort, allow their bad habits to become worse. Very few midlife people behave exactly the way they were in high school or college.

Some people change out of a self-motivated desire to become a better person. Some change because they know it will make a loved one happier or less annoyed. And some refuse to change out of spite for someone, knowing a certain behavior sends them up the wall.

The problem with wanting someone to change for you to be happy with them is you will be unhappy until 1) they do, or 2) you accept them the way they are.

There’s an old saying that women enter a relationship expecting to change a man and men enter a relationship hoping the woman won’t change.

Deciding to stay in a relationship predicated upon the other person changing is asking for heart ache for both parties. You will never be happy unless they make the change. They will not be happy as they know you aren’t completely happy with them.

I’ve entered relationships thinking I can remodel the man into someone who fits my ideal. Have I been able to influence some behavior changes? Sure. But ultimately he resented it, just as I have if a man thinks I should be different than I am and tries to get me to conform to his idea of perfection.

When a 21-year-old relative was complaining about her live-in boyfriend, I asked her, “If he were to be exactly the same in 5 years, would you be happy?” The answer was “no.” If you can’t live with the man he is now, don’t make it permanent. People will change. We can’t control that. It’s part of being a growing human being. But if you are in the relationship counting on him to change for the better, you should move on.

Have you tried to change a sweetie? If so, how’d that work? Have you had someone try to change you? How did you feel?

_______________

Want more information on how to deal with difficult dating situations? Download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

Solid relationships are built on trust. So what happens when one of the pair does something that strains — or completely breaks — that trust?

If it’s a one-time, never-to-be-repeated event, and the bond is strong, often the offending party receives grace and forgiveness and the relationship continues.

But what if there are multiple fibs, lies or less-than-forthcoming responses to direct questions? What if someone chooses to keep certain facts to themselves to keep their options open?

A friend shared that early in the relationship, a now ex-girlfriend had fibbed to him on several occasions. The most egregious was when she announced her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit her. My friend asked where he’d be staying. With her, she said matter-of-factly. Not feeling completely comfortable with this arrangement, he probed deeper hoping to quell any doubts he had. Knowing she didn’t have a guest room in her small apartment, he asked, “And where will he be sleeping?” “I don’t know. We haven’t discussed it. Last time we shared my bed.” “Did you have sex?” “No.”

Knowing how amorous she was, he said he didn’t feel comfortable with this arrangement. She asked the ex-beau to sleep on her couch.

Later she admitted that the last time they’d shared a bed they indeed did have sex. She lied, she explained, as she didn’t want my friend to be concerned. I think she didn’t want to lose him and thought that information might have driven him away. She wanted to keep her options open.

They broke up six months later over other issues yet kept in contact. A few weeks later, she accepted his dinner and movie invitation. They held hands, cuddled and seemed like they were back together. She neglected to share that she had a new boyfriend with whom she was already sleeping. She wanted to see if it might work out with my friend — she wanted to keep her options open. She held all her cards close and didn’t want to put any on the table.

It would have been more mature if before accepting the dinner invitation to say, “I really like you and understand why we broke up. I’d love to see you and discuss if we might be able to sort out our differences. And I need to let you know I’ve started seeing someone and we’ve become close. I want you to know what’s happening with me so we can talk openly and candidly.” That would have allowed my friend to make decisions that were right for him based all the information — not just the information she wanted to share.

Have we all been duplicitous at times? I’m guessing yes. I know I have. But now as I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, I see how disrespectful, controlling and selfish it is to withhold information that the other really should know. If I were on the other side and would want to know it I am now better at sharing it. It is usually not easy to say, yet if you take your time to share the information with care and compassion, it will be easier to discuss. I have been sincerely thanked after sharing something I knew the other didn’t want to hear, and have thanked others for telling me things that stung at first.

Trust is built by keeping your word, acting congruent with your words, being willing to discuss difficult topics without upset, and consistent action that shows you care about the other person as well as yourself. When trust is strained or broken early in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible to repair.

____________________

Get ideas on how to know it’s time to break up and how to do so without drama in Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

I’ve heard men say that women are too picky about unimportant aspects of a man’s behavior. I think it depends on what one considers important and unimportant.

Many women would consider table manners important (or somewhat important). Few of us appreciate a man who chews with his mouth open, talks with his mouth full, licks his knife or lowers his head near the plate to more easily shovel food into his maw. Yet men who have these behaviors haven’t a clue they are important, and would probably rebuff anyone pointing out their bad manners.

Yet for women, this can be a deal breaker with a man who hasn’t ingratiated himself to her. If she is on the fence about a guy, his table manners can be the kiss of death — the only kiss that will be present that evening.

Last night is a case in point. The guy was pleasant, nothing glaringly wrong, although he seemed to have some difficulty finding topics to discuss. I drew him out and shared relevant information. Dinner arrived. He cut off large chunks of his chicken parmesan and stuffed them into his mouth as he continued to talk. The spaghetti, which is hard to eat gracefully under any circumstance, was consumed via large forkfuls, then protruding stands slurped in. This was punctuated with large draughts of bottled beer.

Our potential romantic partnership fell to the other side of the fence — with a thud.

I wondered — briefly — if I was being snobbish to not be enamored with uncouth table manners. I decided, no, that my partner must be someone with whom I can feel comfortable in polite company. Not that I attend society balls, but I do dine with bank-president clients and worldly friends and colleagues. I can’t be with someone whose table manners are embarrassing.

In the past, some beaus’ dining etiquette was so bad it elicited comments from my family members after the event. One licked his knife in a white-tablecloth restaurant. I don’t relish making excuses for loutish behaviors.

If you chew with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full, stop. If you don’t know which water glass or bread plate is yours at a table for 8, get educated. It’s really not hard — information is easily available. Or maybe you don’t know you’re doing something others would find oafish. Ask someone who you think would know proper manners and get their discrete feedback.

___________________

If you’d like to know more signs to look for on a first date, that you may not think are obvious, download your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

Maybe the little ditty “99 men on the wall” will replace the old song we sang loudly on long bus/car drives, but only women will be singing it.

Today I have a meet/date with man number 99. It’s taken nearly 5 years to go out with 99 men and I have slowed down a lot in the last 2 years. No longer do I feel like the kid in Baskin-Robbins wanting to taste all the flavors. I have now narrowed down the flavors that interest me and can often tell beforehand if a man has qualities that appeal to me or not. Most often not.

I continue to be open to new encounters, but am more discerning if a man telegraphs “We don’t have the same values” even before meeting. I can often tell that by the content of his emails and phone conversation, by what he chooses to talk about, the questions he asks me (or doesn’t), how much he shares the conversation.

If you were looking for a dream job or fabulous house, you might investigate 100 before finding the one that meets most of your needs. Dating nearly 100 men isn’t the goal — finding a great match is.

When I share my dating numbers with interested friends, most gasp, “I haven’t dated 99 people in my whole life.” It seems few have, unless they were very active in their high school and/or college years. Most people have dated from zero to several dozen people. Then they met their mate or withdrew to either no or infrequent dating. I am an anomaly.

People say, “I wouldn’t have the patience for that,” or “I don’t have the time,” or “I’d just give up.” Yes, there are considerations for staying active in the dating pool. There can be times of furious activity (like when I had seven dates with six guys in five days) and long stretches of treading water. There are the days of hopefulness when you’ve met someone with whom you think you’re a match, then disappointment when he stops calling with no explanation or you decide he isn’t who you thought him to be.

One weighs the options for staying in the emotional whirlpool. You can just drift down the dating river, hoping to bump into your soul mate. You can swim upstream in the rapids, trying to attain someone who isn’t interested, getting frustrated and bitter along the way. Or you can tread water until you connect with a possible match, then both swim in the dating pool together, playing and interacting to see if you like each other.

Giving up is an option, of course, but I have learned much about what I want (and don’t want), as well as about men in general, I do not see that as the best option. And I’ve gained several dozen men-pal treasures for whom I’m continually grateful.

So going out with 99 men may sound daunting. But it’s better than the option — to be lonely and bitter. I’m staying in the pool until I find my guy — or he finds me.
____________________

Want to know what to expect from midlife dating? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I was seduced by these words. They went straight to my heart. Even though the local man’s actions rarely paralleled this sentiment. Even though much of the time I wondered why he didn’t bother to set a time to get together while his text and phone messages talked about how much he missed me and cared about me.
Why was I taken in by words that weren’t backed by consistent action? Part of me longed to believe them. And frequently when we were together, I felt his actions proved his words. But we saw each other maybe a day out of every 10 — 10% of the time.

When we were together he would look me in the eye while holding me close and say these words clearly — and I felt, sincerely. I so wanted them to be true.

And I was not without fault. I would say them back to him even though I was often frustrated — sometimes even angered — by his lack of initiative to see me and his sometimes disrespectful behavior. My logical mind knew he was far from perfect for me. But my heart was taken in by his words — coupled with my desire to believe them. When I said them back to him, at that moment I believed them.

Now I’ve learned to be more skeptical. The words are heart melting when you hear them. But you have to make sure they are backed by consistent, congruent behavior that shows he feels you are perfect for him. Otherwise they are just air.

Of course, part of you knows the words are expressing happiness with the other, knowing perfection in a relationship is rare. But you don’t listen to that voice. You only listen with the ear of romance, wanting to believe you can be perfect for someone, even if you know he is not really perfect for you. And truthfully, you don’t really believe you are perfect for him as you don’t see the actions that reinforce that.

What words have you learned not to trust when not backed by congruent behaviors? (“I love you,” “I adore you,” “I’d never hurt you” come to mind.) What have you uttered that your mind knew wasn’t true, but your heart felt was true at the moment?
___________________

Want to understand other ways to know if he’s being sincere? Read Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Webster’s dictionary says “pursue” means: “seek to form a sexual relationship with (someone) in a persistent way.”

I explained in “Tales of woo” how some men’s definition of “pursue” seems skewed to me. Another example has occurred this week.

A few weeks ago a local man showed signs of interest. We emailed a few times, then I gave him my number and we had several long, interesting chats. The only problem was he was on a business trip and wouldn’t be returning until after I left for SE Asia. I suggested he download Skype so we could continue our voice chats.

While I was gone, there was no communication. No voice mails, no emails. And no Skype, so he didn’t follow through by downloading it.

The evening I was to return home, I got this email:

“Missing you bad; the conversation is invigorating and the woman is scintillating. I hope things are good for you there. Let’s talk soon.”

I responded that I would be home the next day and we could chat while I drove home from the airport, but it might be too late for him, so let me know. When I arrived home there was no voice mail so I called him. I got his voice mail so left a message. I’ve not heard a peep from him in almost a week since he sent the “Missing you bad” email.

What gives? Too busy to make contact? I don’t buy it. Found someone else? Maybe. Not that into me? Then why write an email like that?

I continue to scratch my head trying to understand why men do and say certain things, then don’t take any action. My cynical self thinks he’s juggling several women and I’m not at the top of his list. Or maybe he’s married.

____________________________

Read more about men’s unexplainable behaviors in Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Arriving home tonight from an 11-day international trip, I lifted my heavy bags into my trunk at the airport. It occurred to me that I’d schlepped these bags more than I cared to when help was not on the horizon. It made me appreciate the cheerful van drivers, bellmen and skycaps who did offer to hoist my bags.

I began to ruminate on the many things men — often strangers — do to lighten women’s burden’s. Not only luggage lifting, but I’ve been struck by how often men have gone out of their way to give directions or even walk me to my destination. Sure, some of them have been in a role at a hotel, but many have not. They were just helpful strangers.

I think the more we women are willing to accept their aid, the more willing men are to go out of their way. This has nothing to do with being a helpless woman. It has to do with being a grateful recipient to someone’s kindness. Did I need the hotel banquet staffer to escort me to the door of the ladies room? No. Pointing it out would have been sufficient. But I didn’t waive him off with an “I can find it,” instead allowing him to feel the satisfaction of completing his task.

Arriving in Manila at 5:30 a.m., I stopped at the airport information desk to ask about storing my luggage so I could catch a town tour during my 16-hour layover. Discovering there were no lockers and I couldn’t check my bags into my connecting airline for 14 hours, I had few alternatives. The young information desk clerk helped me see the most viable option was to rent a small room at the airport Day Lounge. I could lock my bags there, or take advantage of the bed and shower to rest during the long layover.

He could have given me directions, but instead opted to call a colleague to cover his desk and escort me. While navigating the labyrinth of elevators, security checkpoints and behind-the-scenes hallways, I was appreciative he’d taken the time. Several times he negotiated in Tagalog with Security and other gatekeepers. When we arrived at the nearly hidden Day Lounge I heaped thanks on him.

When a man offers assistance — whether it’s help with a heavy box or directions — do you accept readily? Or do you cut them off, saying, “I’ve got it”? If the latter, consider that you could actually give him a gift by accepting his offer. You both get to experience the generosity of the other.

That’s not to say you can’t offer to assistance, too. When I travel, I often see one in a party taking a picture of the other(s). I now make it a habit to offer to take a picture of everyone together. During this trip, a large military convention was in town. In the mall, military men from dozens of countries were enjoying the music and people watching. Cameras were flashing non-stop. As I came upon these groups, I made my offer. No one refused. I felt good for contributing to their memories by allowing the whole party to be in the pic. I felt like I’d connected to them in a way that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. And who knows, maybe I left a positive impression of Americans in my wake.

The lesson is to not be stingy in either your receiving or your giving. Both are a gift. Be sure to express your appreciation. Even if you can heft your own bags yourself, thank you very much, allow a man to contribute to you.

____________

Remember, you get the bonus eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with your purchase of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books!

For decades (centuries?) women have been drawn to men in uniform. Is it the crispness of their attire that is the allure? The fact that you know they’ve learned responsibility and discipline from being in the service? Some appeal to our desire for a man who knows how to protect us? The respect we have for the sacrifice we know the wearer has and is willing to make?

My stay back in Brunei this week overlaps a large SE Asia military convention and air show. My hotel and the city are filled with military men and women. At the main shopping mall, I observed dozens of mostly men from all ranks in their country’s uniform.

While not all the men have a draw, I notice some do. In fact, I saw some Americans who were not in uniform, but had a certain bearing that makes me believe they are either in or have been in the military.

I’ve decided that a big part of a man in uniform’s appeal, whether he’s from the military or other military-based organizations like fire or police, is their carriage and posture. I’m told it’s called “command presence.”

When I dated a retired policeman, he said he’d learned how to stand and walk in a way that people knew he was in charge. He shared that this deportment could quell a brewing problem as those involved could tell by his stance that he was not going to take any gruff. His posture telegraphed confidence.

Of course, not all those in uniform carry themselves with gravitas. But those who do have a certain je ne sais quoi enticement. I’ve noticed a man who is not classically handsome can be quite enticing if his carriage is confident.

What have you noticed about a man’s posture and bearing and how it affects your attraction to him?

_______________

Identify what you want in your next mate in the book In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Do you get emotional at weddings? Enveloped in the flood of love, joy and hope it is hard not to be. You are caught up in the palpable adoration between the happy couple. Maybe the nuptials remind you of how elated you felt at your wedding(s), immersed in the endorphins from being in love. Or perhaps the proceedings evoke memories of the grief you felt at the eventual loss of your love.

I haven’t been to a wedding in the six years since my marriage dissolved, so I’m not sure what I’ll feel at one I’ll attend in a few weeks. In the past, I’ve become emotional because of the strong feelings of love that are typically present.

So my first emotional whammy is that I’ll be at a wedding, period. I have no idea if I’ll be overwhelmed by the joy and hope of the betrothed and their families. I’m hoping I won’t be triggered by the fact that my own romantic fantasies of forever love went unrealized.

The second emotional whammy is that I’ve known the young groom since he was a baby. His parents, my ex and I were close friends. They live a few blocks away and it was common for one of us to drop in or borrow something regularly. Their family and my ex carpooled weekly to the same church. We often had dinner at each other’s homes. We went on vacation together several times. I saw this young man and his brother grow up, shared in their celebrations and their troubling times. We hired them for yard work when they wanted spending money. The boys were like nephews and I have great fondness toward the groom and his brother. It will be emotional for me to see this young man enter this rite of passage to marry his long-time love.

And the third whammy is just a bit too surreal. My ex will officiate the ceremony. He is legally licensed to do so, although he never completed his ordination. This will be the first time I’ve seen him in five years. Will it be difficult to hear him talk about the sanctity of marriage, knowing that he didn’t hold himself to that standard? Or the vow of commitment, knowing he violated that one too? I am over him and not bitter, but will it be difficult to hear him speak of values that I know he, himself, didn’t act on? The hostess has said he will be seated at my table, along with a few other friends who know each other, as none of us know anyone else at the reception.

To do my utmost to take care of myself, I have invited a dear and doting friend to be my date. He has been apprised of my probable emotionality and that I will, no doubt, need to lean on him. He has enthusiastically agreed to take on this task. Plus he dresses up really well and is a great dancer!

While I usually consider myself a strong woman, I think it helps to know when you may be especially vulnerable and pre-plan ways to make sure you are taken care of. And with this triple whammy wedding, I will need all the support I can muster!

Are you emotional at weddings or other events? If so, how do you take care of yourself?
_____________________

If you find yourself still angry after a breakup, download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

I would never have guessed that one of the most difficult rites of passage after divorce was a first dance with a new man.

If you’re like me, you may have slow danced with very few men other than your husband during your marriage (assuming he danced at all), unless you took dancing lessons that encouraged partner swapping. When I danced with another man it was typically a fast dance where we could do our own thing.

About a year after my divorce, a group of colleagues decided to go country western dancing. I love dancing so enthusiastically accepted the invitation.

One man took many of the gals in his van, with a few other guys saying they’d join us in a little while. After we got settled at a table, the gals began taking turns dancing with our one lone guy.

My turn on the floor with him was to a country two-step, with which I had but minimal familiarity. I felt stiff and awkward, even though my pal tried to lead me. He kept telling me to relax which did the opposite, triggering my feelings of ineptness and wondering if I was missing the “following” gene.

Struggling to stay in step, I was near tears when the song was thankfully over. I wondered why I was so emotional when my friend was just trying to help me have fun.

I realized part of the emotion was my missing the hand-in-glove comfort one feels when having had the same dance partner for decades. You know what to expect. You know his moves. You can relax and just feel the music and the connection to each other.

So I not only felt incompetent, I felt the loss of my companion of 20 years.

Often it’s small things that trigger sadness and loss of the good things from a relationship. And those triggers can be present for years — decades for some people. So if you find yourself getting emotional over something like a dance, don’t blame your partner or yourself. Just be willing to stay with the emotion and look at the core cause.

Sometimes I still feel I’m not the greatest follower. But I work to stay present to what’s going on in the moment and enjoy whatever happens — even if his or my toes get a little mashed along the way.

What have you found to be difficult newly single firsts?

_________________

Understand what else you might be facing when you reenter the dating scene. Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping now.

In the getting-to-know-you stage, you’re wrong if you tell a man he’s crossed the line and wrong if you don’t.

If you do, you can be seen as controlling. If you don’t, you give the impression that whatever he did/said is fine with you. Or you can just disappear and he’ll never know why.

Last night, I was having an online chat (which I don’t often do) with a guy who’s flirted with me for a week or so via email. This was the first time we chatted real time, although I’d given him my phone number, but he didn’t call. (That is a sign right there.)

After 15 minutes, this dean of a university tells me how “WELL ENDOWED” (his caps) he is. I told him that was nice, but too much info at this stage in getting to know each other. Since we’d been talking about keeping fit, and things related to physicality, I took it in that vein. After my TMI comment, he told me he was referring to his academic status.

Uh huh.

Later on, keeping in the academic theme, he offered that he wanted to study me to learn what I liked. He said he wanted to be ready for the “ORALS” (again, his all caps).

When I said I’d rather keep the conversation non-sexual at this point, he said I wanted to control the “pace” (whatever that means) of the conversation. I said I didn’t want to go sexual with our first real-time discussion.

While I’m not a prude and can banter and whip out the double entendres and innuendos as quickly as a man, there is a time and place. The first conversation is not that time.

I’ve heard men advise women that we must have standards on what behaviors we’ll accept. We must show men how we want to be treated and if they insist on not treating us with the regard we require, move on. I was attempting to do just that.

I’ve also had conversations with men where I didn’t speak up. I just extricated myself as soon as possible. He never knew why I didn’t respond to him after that. I debate rather to tell a man why we won’t be going out, and have decided if he is really interested he’ll ask. But for me to offer an explanation to an obtuse man is really just speaking to the wind as he’ll never get it.

What’s your policy on speaking up if a potential date crosses the line? Do you say something or just quietly drift away never to be heard from again?

_________________

For more info on the do’s and don’ts of online dating, order your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

Saturday, the first day of my professional association’s conference this weekend, a married gal pal introduced me to a colleague of hers. He was tall and good looking. We only said hello as we scurried to our sessions.

I had reserved a table for 10 for Tuesday night’s gala and invited her to be my guest. She said she’d promised to sit with him since he didn’t know many people. I said to bring him along, as I had a well-positioned table and other fun guests.

He stopped me Sunday to thank me for inviting him to my table. He told me his name again and I said, “No need to reintroduce yourself. I always remember handsome men’s names.” He said, “I’ll have to hang out with you more.” We laughed and parted.

At the gala dinner he looked particularly smashing in his tux. But he was sitting two people away from me so I couldn’t really chat with him. I did get a sense of his class and depth in our full-table discussions — and learned he was unattached. I wanted to get to know him more, so devised a system that wouldn’t make it quite so blatant.

Since I’d assigned the seats alternating men and women, after the entree was cleared, I announced we would be doing a “man swap.” Everyone looked at me quizzically. I said, “For us to get to know more people, each gentleman will take his napkin and water glass and move four seats to his left so he has a new woman on each side.” They were delighted.

I’m afraid I nearly ignored the man on my right, as Mr. Handsome was on my left. We chatted and laughed easily. But all too soon the entertainment began. We whispered comments throughout and had a good time.

We’ll see what evolves. He didn’t ask for my card but he knows how to find me in the association directory. My friend said he told her the next day how much he enjoyed meeting me. If he doesn’t make any further contact, oh well. I got to spend some time enjoying a handsome, articulate, intelligent, funny man’s company. If he does follow up, we’ll see where it goes.

______________________

For ideas on how to look for signs that a man may — or may not — be a possible match for you, download your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

______________________

DG was interviewed in an article titled “Sex After 50: Getting Back in the Saddle Returning to Intimacy After a Divorce, Death of Spouse, Can Be Awkward and Joyous” at ABCnews.com. (Look for the quote at the bottom of page 2.)

We’d intermittently flirted by email and phone for almost a year. We lived thousands of miles from each other so promised we’d let the other know when we’d be nearby. He toured in a popular R&B band, but not to my area. Until now.

A few months ago he told me his group was booked this week in my part of the country — but 400 miles away. Then a few weeks ago I heard on the radio that they were playing an hour away from me on the same tour so I emailed him to suggest getting together when he was near my town.

Somehow the wires got crossed. He texted me last Thursday: “I’m here.” When I replied, “Where?” he said, “At (an airport 400 miles away). Call you from my hotel.” An hour later, another text, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at home.” “Why aren’t you here?” “Because you’re 400 miles away!”

The phone rang. He sounded confused. “What do you mean 400 miles away?” “That’s where I live.” “No! I thought you lived here.” “Nope, I’ve always lived in this city.” “I’m confused.” “Clearly!”

“I got you a ticket to tomorrow’s show here.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t get there tomorrow. I thought you’d get me a ticket for Saturday’s show near me, which is what I said in my email.”

“I blew it! I should have called you.”

Yep. He should have called.

“I can’t get you a ticket to the show near you, as all the comp tickets are taken by the other guys in the band.”

“Bummer.”

“Let me ask tomorrow to see if I can get one for you. I’ll call you tomorrow before noon.”

“Great. I’d love to see you in action.”

Friday at 11:58 I got this text: “It might be possible.” I took that to mean he had a line on a ticket and would let me know. I was hoping he’d succeed and was looking forward to meeting him and seeing the show. At 4:00 I got another text: “I’m getting dressed [for tonight's show]. I’ll call you at 9:00.”

Nine o’clock came and went. Nothing.

I thought, “Maybe their set went long. Or they all went out to dinner afterward,” trying to give him some grace.

Saturday morning, nothing. Noon, nothing. Afternoon, nothing. I went out to dinner with a gal pal.

Sunday, nothing.

I scratch my head. I didn’t berate him for his mistake. Was he too embarrassed to call? I could have lived with, “I’m so sorry. I blew it and I can’t score a ticket for you. Let’s explore what would work for us to meet up.”

And this isn’t a case of chalking it up to musicians being flaky. His day job is a responsible position!

Or is it just one more example of a way a man says he’s not that into me? Pretty odd, I think, for a middle-aged man to behave this way. But I’ve seen it before so I shouldn’t be surprised.

________________

Even though some men’s behaviors are still confusing, learn what the Dating Goddess has figured out in Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

A Woman's Worth

In A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson says, “No man can convince a woman she’s wonderful, but if she already believes she is, his agreement can resonate and bring her joy.”

But how many of us dating in midlife focus on our wonderful qualities? Isn’t it more prevalent to notice your wrinkles, bad habits and other imperfections?

In a recent interview, I was asked “What qualities must a woman over 50 possess in order to maneuver through the dating maze?” I responded, “First, optimism. Really believing you are a great catch and there is someone who will recognize that. Too many women only focus on their flaws, not their characteristics that make them fabulous.”

Recently talking to a dating 50+ gal pal, we discussed how easy it is to wonder who would want a woman of our age when there are so many pert young women trolling for men in our age range. My friend is fabulous — smart, thoughtful, attractive, fit, funny, self-aware and accomplished. It’s hard to imagine she sees herself as anything but amazing. Yet self-doubt can creep into our psyches, no matter how the outside world sees us.

Marianne Williamson is right — we can’t be convinced by an outside source that we are wonderful. It has to come from within. I think others can help us see positive characteristics that we take for granted, so either don’t see or ignore. However, if we don’t have some seed of self-value, no matter how many times someone tells us how marvelous we are, we’ll never believe it.

One of the best gifts we can give to other daters — whether they be pals or someone who interests us — is to sincerely comment on their positive attributes. Even those traits we think they must hear about all the time — their smartness, wittiness, humor, good looks, dependability — still merit an acknowledgment.

Even if someone doesn’t think they posses the quality you see, if they hear it often enough the kernel of acceptance will grow. If they hear enough times, they can start to believe it and their confidence will grow.

__________________

Begin dating on the right foot with Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

I vet potential dates via the phone before meeting. Why? Because if I don’t enjoy the conversation on the phone, it’s pretty much guaranteed I won’t enjoy the face-to-face. I know some people are uncomfortable on the phone, but in this day and age, if you can’t converse comfortably whether on the phone or in person, you’re not for me. In the last week I’ve had four potential suitors call me. Only one received an invitation for a repeat conversation.

Being a conscious conversationalist is critical to a long-term relationship — at least for me. Since I’ve encountered so many people who are conversationally challenged, I’m assuming it is as much of an issue for women as it is for the men I vet. Since it is doubtful your friends will volunteer that you are an inept conversationalist, as a public service I thought I’d delineate some of the most common conversational culprits.

• Taking most of the air time. A conscious conversationalist will be aware of approximately how much of the talk time she is taking and when it begins to feel like they’ve monopolized the conversation, turn the focus on the other person. If you don’t know much about the other person, you can simply say, “I’ve been talking non stop, and I really want to know about you. Tell me something that’s new or exciting in your life.”

• Repeating yourself. If you aren’t paying enough attention to what you are saying that you repeat yourself, how much do you think the other person will feel you’re listening to them?

• Turning the focus back to you. Last night a new potential suitor called. He regularly turned the conversation to himself. We were talking about the world’s awareness of US affairs. Since I hadn’t  shared much by this point, I said “When I was in Malaysia last summer, I was amazed at how many of my contacts watched the Democratic convention on CNN.” His next line was not, “What did you make of that?” or “What did they think of US politics?” or “What were you doing in Malaysia?” No. It was, “A friend has a manufacturing plant in Malaysia that makes dolls. He wants to hire me to do some work for him. Look it up at www.XXXXX.com.”

• Not asking relevant follow-up questions. This same caller said he thought I was fascinating. Which I found odd because I had said barely 10 sentences after 30 minutes into the call. He could have found out about me by asking relevant follow-up questions to my comments, as I illustrated above. If both parties merely jump into a conversation with their own stories or thoughts, it’s as if two people are having sequential monologues. To really get to know someone’s thoughts, values, and opinions, you have to dig deeper into what they share.

• Delving into unimportant details. Your conversation partner doesn’t need to know every detail of your story. Try to keep it pithy but still include relevant information. Most people could cut their chatter by half, if not 2/3 if they focused on just key elements to get their thought across. If someone wants more detail they’ll ask. Better to error on the side of pithiness.

• Interrupting. When someone is talking, let them finish their story or thought. Of course, this is a challenge if they are going on and on and on about something of no interest to you. If you need to interrupt to clarify something, do so with, “I need to interrupt before you go on because I’m confused about…” You are interrupting to better understand what they are sharing, not to change the subject or focus the conversation back on you.

• Not letting the other person answer your questions. If you ask a question and as soon as your conversation partner starts sharing, you interject, “That happened to me, too! Let me tell you about it…” you are showing you don’t really care to know about them.

• Too many non sequiturs. If you can’t stay with the thread of the conversation and are continually changing the subject (often back to focusing on you), it is difficult to have an in-depth discussion. Yes, we all get reminded of something that is a little off the subject, and if you find your stream of consciousness takes you far afield, you can acknowledge that, “This is a tad off topic, but your comment reminded me of….” Or if you have more to share on the topic but your partner has gone on a tangent, simply say, “I had another thought I wanted to share on xxx….”

• Short or curt answers. While I believe in being pithy, curt or short answers are not attractive. If you don’t want to talk about something, simply say, “I’d rather not go there right now.” or “I’ll tell you about that after we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.”

• Being unaware of what might be of interest to the listener. If you babble about things your listener probably doesn’t care about, then they lose interest not only in the conversation, but with developing a relationship with you. If your side of the dialog is filled with information about your children, grandchildren, first job, high school, your friends (and your friends’ children and grandchildren), you’ll soon lose your listener. Try to edit in your mind before spewing out whatever crosses your thoughts. Think, “Would this likely interest my listener?” and delete anything that you can’t say yes to, no matter how much interest it holds for you. Once someone knows and cares about you, they are more interested in the broader spectrum of your life. But not at first.

• Boasting. If you are the hero of every story, it gets tedious to listen to you. If you are proud of something, you can start off with, “I’m so excited…” But to keep interjecting stories where you are the champion will earn you the title of bore.

• Name dropping incessantly. This same caller told me how he had put up a Facebook page and a bunch of politicians had asked to be his friend. He named the politicians, none of whom I recognized. If you have to name drop regularly to show how important you are, you’re really telegraphing your insecurities.

We all have some poor conversational habits, myself included. The key is to get some honest feedback from those who care about you. Ask them to be candid with you. Show them the above list and ask if you are guilty of any of the items. And engage them to help you increase your awareness by saying something like “TMI (too much information)” if you start to go into unimportant details.

This will yield not only stronger friendships, but more dates with men who appreciate good conversation!

_______________

What are your assets in dating? Is being a good conversationalist one of them? Find out more about how to be clear on your positive attributes in Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Cathy Severson, publisher of RetirementLifeMatters.com and author of 7 Ingredients for a Satisfying Retirement interviewed DG recently for her site. Read the interview. 

I love dating men with a sales background.

Why?

Because they know how to close. How to ask for the order. How to pursue. How to keep clients happy.

“Close” in dating means to ask for your email address, phone number or date. I’ve found a lot of men don’t know how to advance the relationship. Some are way too timid, taking weeks to ask for my number. Some are way too forward, asking for my number after one email exchange.

I understand many men don’t like to exchange a lot of emails. They are either poor typists or poor spellers and feel it takes too long time to say what would take seconds on the phone. But I like to have a few email exchanges to get a sense of a man’s ability to communicate clearly in writing and that he doesn’t get sexual too soon.

Some men seem happy to have a pen pal relationship, stretching the emails out over weeks. This gets wearisome, too. Some men think it gentlemanly to wait until the woman is comfortable enough to offer her number. Other men offer theirs first, knowing some women are not comfortable giving out her number. I prefer a man call me as it shows he has enough interest to pick up the phone. Giving me his number puts the onus on me.

Some women have no problem assertively asking, “When shall we get together?” I don’t like to ask that as I feel a man needs to be assertive enough to ask for the “order” — a date. I don’t want to be the one initiating, at least not at first. I don’t mind initiating once we’ve gone out a few times.

In writing my book on sales, I discovered a common complaint from customers was salespeople who never asked for the order. Salespeople could have an hour-long meeting with the prospect uncovering their needs and constraints, then just thank the prospect at the end, without ever asking for the order. The prospect didn’t feel it was their job to say, “It sounds like you have exactly what I need. How can I order?” They wanted the salesperson to ask for the business.

This is true in dating. If a woman has to prod a man to “ask for the order,” he’s probably not that interested or confident enough.

Salesmen also understand that if they want to secure the “account” (you) they have to make some effort to earn the “business” (your affection). They know they can’t ignore a customer and expect to be received with open arms when they next connect. The customer may have found another supplier (man) to give them what they want. Good salesmen know if you want to keep a customer, you have to give them some attention.

These are basics that every salesperson knows. It would seem common sense, but to those outside of sales it doesn’t appear to be common knowledge — or at least common practice.

The downside of dating salesmen is sometimes they are focused on putting up the numbers — closing the initial deal. If they are used to one-time sales, not ongoing orders, they don’t fully understand the importance of “customer maintenance” — keeping you engaged beyond the initial conquest.

What do you think of dating men with a sales background? What do they do that works and doesn’t work?
___________________

For more info on getting started in dating, download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey says if a man doesn’t have a plan you should not fall for him.

A “plan” means a vision for his future and how he will get there. That plan needs to include a woman in it. I’ve been surprised that some men have a plan for themselves, but it doesn’t seem to include a woman. For example, a wealthy man I dated several times had already planned his retirement by buying a small, 2-bedroom condo hundreds of miles away to which he will move when he retires in a few years. He remodeled and furnished it how he likes it.

I admired that he was so proactive and had a clear plan. But what would he do about integrating a woman into this plan? I envisioned that if it worked out between us I’d have to buy the condo next door for me and my stuff! Or sell all my belongings, I guess. In our many hours of phone conversations, there was never any mention of, “This is my plan if I’m alone. If and when I am partnered again, we’d figure out a new plan together.”

At the other end of the spectrum are the men (yes, more than one) who have fully integrated me into their lives — often before even meeting me. They have pictured me moving into their home and accompanying them through the lives they’ve  established. I even had one ask if I’d take his last name after we were married! It always astonished me that these men wanted me to slide into their lives and activities without any mention of how they would integrate into my life. It was as if they were acquiring a new pet.

All in all, though, I appreciate a man with a plan for his life — one that includes the possibility of a woman helping to determine some parts of that future together. It is important to know if a man’s plan is to retire to some remote area to fish and watch sports. That holds no interest for me, so no matter how much I like him, if that is all he envisions, he’s not the one for me.

Of course, it’s important for you to have a vision and plan for your future, otherwise you could be swept up in whatever plan your man had for himself, and that may or may not make you happy. Some women without a plan awaken after a few years to discover they are unhappy with their life because they didn’t give much thought to their own plan.

The man’s plan has to include how he plans to court you, if he decides he wants you. He can’t just be “kickin’” with you, unless that’s what you want, too. If you want someone to build a future with in a committed relationship, you could “kick” with him for years then find out he has no interest in being committed to anyone. So best to find out his plans about his life and relationships near the beginning.

A man has come back into my life after a year abroad. He admitted to me that while he has dreams, he takes one day at a time. Unfortunately, that means he isn’t taking the steps needed to make his dreams become reality. Because of this lackadaisical attitude, I have no long-term interest in him.

How do you feel about a man with vs. without a plan? Would you date someone for long who didn’t have a plan for his life and how you might fit in it?
_________________

What are you looking for in a man? In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? will help you determine what you want.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

Generally, I like relationship books written by men for women explaining how men think and operate. Too many of us have difficulty fathoming how differently men function than women.

The book is divided into 3 sections:

• The mind-set of a man
• Why men do what they do
• The playbook: How to win the game

In the first section he discusses what drives men. He boils it down to 3 things: profess, provide and protect.

• Profess means he tells you and the world that you are his woman, his one-and-only, his lady — whatever term feels right to him. It’s key that he not only tell you, but he tells others. My experience is it’s easy for a man to tell you what you want to hear (e.g., “You’re perfect for me,” “You’re the one for me,”) but never say a word to anyone else about you. Steve says that if you’ve been going out for a while and your guy introduces you as “my friend” or by only your name, no descriptor, he’s not thinking of you as a keeper.

• Provide means not only financially, but providing for you in whatever ways you need to be taken care of. He’ll make sure you have food, shelter and transportation at the least. Steve says a man will forgo buying things for himself if his family needs something.

• Protect not only means to ensure your safety, but he’ll protect your reputation and dignity from others who try to malign you.

When I thought about the most prominent men in my past, nearly none of them professed, provided nor protected me. Some did one or two, but I’ve had no experience with one who did all three, at least not beyond perfunctorily. Does this mean I happened to have men in my life — both chosen and by blood — who were missing these important 3-p genes? Or they were just clueless of these things? I think instead that Steve is describing emotionally mature, grounded men who want to have a stable relationship and family life and understand the importance of doing their part to bring this about. I have yet to be blessed with a man like that.

Steve says that one of the biggest reasons women don’t get men to behave the way they want if because women don’t 1) have clear standards, and 2) let their standards be known. We can’t be nagging or demanding about what we want that he’s not providing or that will drive a man away. But we have to be adamant about how we want to be treated and what we expect.

Here’s a simple example: you want your man to open your car door for you and he just walks to his side. You should stand there until he comes around and opens it for you. You can’t berate him with, “Fool, where were you born? In a barn? Didn’t your mother teach you how to treat a lady?” Instead you simply smile when he sees his indiscretion and thank him as he runs around to your side and opens your door and you slide into the seat.

Steve says we learn to settle for less than we want because we think he should know or we don’t want to nag. He says men are simple creatures and a man wants to please his woman, but either doesn’t know what she wants or forgets quickly if not reminded. So he gets away with doing less and less of what makes her happy and she gets more and more resentful and frustrated.

When dating, waiting at least ninety days before having sex is a big part of Steve’s philosophy. He equates it to a job’s probation period, an analogy I’ve heard others use. On the job you have to show you have earned the right to keep your job and get benefits. You have to show up on time, work diligently, produce results, show you can get along with others, and often take initiative. He says it’s the same in a relationship — a man needs to show he is worthy of a woman’s intimacy before he gets the benefits. He says it also weeds out the men who are just looking for a romp in the hay and those who are serious about exploring a relationship. I think he’s right.

There are other sections on 5 questions a woman must ask any man she’s dating, the 3 things men need, why men cheat, and what strong, independent women need to do to be more appealing to men.

One of the parts I really like is that he encourages us to really take a stand for our dignity, self-esteem and goals and stop putting up with men’s disrespectful, immature and bad behavior. It’s a tough love tome. It’s true that many of us (all of us?), even strong women, have put up with bad behaviors far too many times.

This is a quick read, often funny, often insightful, sometimes reminding the reader of common sense that is not always common practice.

________________________

If you’d like more information on what makes men tick, download your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors today.

I’m a gardener. Every year new flora grow in my garden that I didn’t plant.

Some call these weeds. Others call them wild flowers. What you call them depends on your perspective.

While attending to some of these new residents in my garden, it reminded me of prospective suitors who come into our lives.

Women often classify men who have some flaw or who clearly aren’t a match for them as “weeds.” They treat these men with disdain for sullying their “garden” (the woman’s life) by showing up in it. They want to get rid of them immediately as soon as they decide they don’t want them around, without really knowing if they have something to offer.

Some weeds take great effort to get rid of. And others persistently keep showing up, even after you think you’ve ridden your garden of them.

However, wild flowers often delight you with their appearance and bring you joy with their existence. They are welcomed and treasured. Right now I have volunteer mini-pansies, sweet peas, morning glories, poppies, and Queen Anne’s Lace interspersed in my garden, giving me a smile with their blossoms.

The terms “weed” and “wild flower” often refer to the same plant. It depends on your attitude about it.

A man who doesn’t match your list (e.g., your list of your perfect mate) can be considered a weed, to be taken out of your life as quickly as possible. But if he delights you in any way, he should be considered a wild flower and treated with care.

Some of these men/wild flowers will become a permanent part of your garden/life, giving you joy each time you encounter them. Some will not endure. Some will flourish with a little attention and encouragement. You will pull out those you realize don’t really fit your plan. Some will get too pushy and try to take over your garden/life so you will prune them to what works for you, or eliminate them all together.

You will pull out some weeds immediately, like nettles that have sharp thorns and you know you don’t want in your garden. You will keep some around for a while to see if you like them. And others will be with you for the long haul because you like what they provide.

So before you eliminate a man who isn’t exactly what you expected, if he adds something to your life — he makes you laugh, is fun, invites interesting conversation — keep him around. He might not be a perennial, long-term mate, but instead become a special friend.

(BTW, in my garden I also have several non-wild flower volunteers — two tomato plants that are already setting fruit and a 6′ peach tree with baby peaches! You never know when your volunteers will yield fruit for your table — or your soul.)
________________
For more info on getting started in dating, download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

The term “scotoma” means blind spot. We all have the physical ones in our eyes, and I’d guess that we all have psychological ones, too. It means we don’t see something that is right in front of us or is apparent to others.

In dating, it’s easy to have a scotoma for someone we really like. We can not see — or see but overlook — glaring signs that someone is not a good match for us. But we blissfully act as if those signs aren’t there.

After a breakup it is all too clear what was present but we didn’t see — or refused to acknowledge. So the question is how to be more present to traits that are ultimate deal breakers we refuse to see.

Stepping aside to view a situation objectively is not a common skill. If we are able to do this, perhaps with the aid of a friend who’s willing to tell us what s/he sees, we can make a list of not only the pros of a potential mate, but the cons as well. Then we can honestly assess if we are willing to live with the trait or not.

For example, a young friend is living with her boyfriend who can be sweet and kind, but can also be unkind and selfish. He is far more immature than she, so she ends up in the mother role, angrily reminding him of the chores he leaves undone. Those who care about her see this as a terrible mismatch on many levels. She sees his foibles clearly, but ignores them when he treats her nicely. The rest of us see the totality of his behaviors and want her to see that he may change, but he may not. We ask, “Would you be happy in 5 years if nothing changed?” She would not.

When we are in the throes of new love, we often think we can live with a characteristic that we would reject if unrelated to the object of our desire. For example, many years ago “drug free” was on my list of absolute musts for a beau, but when I fell for a man who occasionally smoked pot, I told myself I was OK with it. But after we were together for a while, the pot smoking became more of a problem, as he would smoke while driving and I would get very worried when he was home late from a road trip. Had I stuck to my original requirements, I would not have become involved with someone who did drugs.

It’s hard to determine what we are ignoring and what we are aware of but willing to live with. But if something is truly a scotoma, you aren’t able to even see it clearly. Enlisting a friend to help you sort out what you may not be seeing takes courage and honesty, and the ability to not get mad at your friend when s/he brings up something you’d rather not see. But in the long run you are better off being fully informed rather than letting your illusions lead your heart. Eventually your illusions, just like a mirrage, will dissipate and the ugly truth will cause heartache.

_________________

Get your free copy of You’ve Got to Kiss a Lot of … Princes! A Sampling of Midlife Dating Lessons, Stories and Insights by clicking here.

He sent a beautiful bouquet for my birthday last month, arranging for its arrival the day I returned home from SE Asia. He’s accompanied me to dress-up events, donning his Armani tuxedo with pleasure. He’s the epitome of a gentleman at these events, offering his arm to escort me, taking my coat and fetching it from the coat check, holding my chair to seat me, making sure my drink is never low, dancing when I want and schmoozing with my business associates, even ones I know he doesn’t like. He keeps himself buff, is current on world affairs, is respected as a thought leader, is generous with charitable contributions.

So why isn’t he my full time beau?

He’s gay. Not bisexual.

Drat!

The other day another gay friend asked if I’d ever fallen for a gay man thinking he was straight. Yes, in high school my regular “beau” for two years was an attentive, well-dressed, fun guy who came out after going off to college. I can’t say I was surprised as we never shared more than a peck kiss, but he was so much of what I wanted in a boyfriend I overlooked the obvious signs that everyone else gladly pointed out to me.

I asked my friend why he asked the question. He said a lot of women fall for gay men because they are often so much of what the women want. There are exceptions, of course, but the gay men I know tend to be well groomed, take care of their bodies, are considerate, communicative, affectionate, smart, accomplished, witty and funny. What’s not to fall for? In fact, some women think they would make the perfect boyfriend if you’re not interested in sex. The women say they would look the other way while he gets his physical needs met and she gets her emotional, social, intellectual and some physical needs met, like cuddling.

While I’m very fond of my gay “boyfriend” I’m not delusional that it is anything but friendship that he’s expressing. The movie “The Object of My Affection” portrays the situation where Nina (Jennifer Aniston) falls for her friend George (Paul Rudd) fully knowing he’s gay. He is everything her jerk ex-boyfriend is not: communicative, affectionate, able to express his caring for her, nurturing and cooperative. He moves in with her after his boyfriend breaks up with him. Watching them take dance lessons you see the chemistry between them. But her heart breaks when she has to confront the fact that she has fallen in love with a man who can never love her the way she wants to be loved.

So if you have men in your life who you know aren’t available to you, make sure you keep your wits about you and don’t read into their thoughtful behaviors as more than friendship. Just appreciate who they are and love them like a brother.

________________

If you’d like to explore who you want in your next partner, download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

This phrase doesn’t work in a job. So why do people think this concept will work in dating?

For example, it appears common thinking is:

• “I’ll treat you like my girlfriend if we have sex.”
• “I’ll be more affectionate to you after you treat me like a queen.”
• “I’ll meet your family after we’ve hung out with my friends for months.”
• “I’ll clean up my house after you move in.”

I’ve fallen prey to this, thinking that if I gave a man what he wanted, he’d give me what I wanted. Unfortunately, solid relationships aren’t built on tit for tat. They are built on “I want to give this to you because I know it makes you happy.” Not “I will give you this if you give me that.”

Of course every relationship involves some negotiation. “I’ll attend your business dinner if you’ll come to my friend’s birthday party.” Or, “I’ll wear that dress you really like even if it’s uncomfortable, if you take me to a nice restaurant.”

It becomes problematic when you expect to get what you want only after you’ve given the other what he wants. He may give it to you, reluctantly. Or he may give it to you once to hold up his part of the bargain, but never again. Or he may not give it to you at all.

In the job scenario, we tend to get raises (or bonuses) after at least meeting expectations, and usually not until we’ve exceeded them. To tell your boss you’ll work harder only after getting a raise will generate laughter, not trust. You have to demonstrate you are interested in getting a raise by working hard to show you deserve one.

The same should be true in budding relationships. You need to show you are interested in winning the other’s heart and trust before getting them.

This seems like such common sense, but I’m continually surprised that even with midlife daters, it isn’t.

What have you been surprised men you’ve been seeing expect without doing the work to show they deserve it?

___________

For more info on deciding to keep seeing someone, download your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

The other day I fell in love.

With 25 people.

I’d sent a brief pre-session questionnaire to the 25 senior managers enrolled in my 5-day seminar. Their responses were so honest, open and vulnerable that I fell in love with each of them.

Then I met them.

I fell in love again. With all of them. They were appreciative, cooperative, and supportive of me and each other. The five days flew by. We had an acknowledgment circle at the end. Tears flowed as they shared their appreciation, respect and affection toward each other. Even some of the men choked up.

It made me think of how our openness to falling in love — even non-romantic love — affects our dating, and ultimately our life.

The capacity for falling in love stems from a willingness to open your heart, to let others in. But after having fallen for someone romantically and had your heart broken, many people close their heart. They don’t want to be hurt. So they live their life in fear and never experience the connection from opening your heart to another.

I understand this philosophy because I used to share it. I was cold and aloof, rarely letting anyone get close. Because when I’d let people get close, I’d be disappointed and hurt.

Disappointment still happens. Pain still happens. Heartbreak still happens.

But I can’t now imagine life without an open heart. The connectedness you have with people is a feeling of no other.

Some would say that is wearing your heart on your sleeve. When you “fall in love” with someone (feel fondness and affection toward someone) you barely know you are only falling for who you think they are. Which is true. But if someone shares things you know are from their core — not what they think will make them look good — it is hard to not feel connectedness to them.

So while I caution daters to go slow, I also think you have to open your heart. Which is not to say you go head-over-heels for someone on a first date. But just be open to connecting and protect the part that needs to know someone better before surrendering your whole heart.

If you need practice opening your heart, hang out with small children and dogs. You will quickly see how easy it is to fall in love.
_____________________

If you’d like more information on what you need to get back into dating, order your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

I recently spent time with a long-married couple. Like nearly all long-term couples, they’ve developed habits they don’t even know they have. One of this couple’s favorite ones, it seems, is bickering over inconsequential details. For example, “We went shopping last Thursday…” “No, it was Wednesday.” “No, I’m sure it was Thursday.” Etc., etc., etc.

It got to the point where I could stand it no longer. I finally blurted out, “It really, really doesn’t matter what day it was.” That got them to move on.

I decided if they were to argue over one more insignificant thing, I would attempt to help them see what they were doing. I readied my sentence: “You two are forfeiting being loving for being right.”  I never had to utter it, which I’m not sure is good news. Lucky for me I didn’t have to endure more bickering. But I also think my observation might have made them think, if they were willing to hear it.

But whether it would be a lesson for them or not, it was a reminder for me. Early in my marriage I repeated the same pattern I learned from my parents: bickering over idiotic details to prove I was right. They would argue daily over facts that had no consequence. They were each determined to show they were right — even though they sacrificed being loving.

After lots of couples’ counseling, I finally saw that my behavior was driving a wedge between my husband and me. It was disrespectful, emasculating, and accomplished nothing productive. I eliminated 90%-95% of this habit. I’ll not claim 100% success, as I don’t know that I was ever completely cured.

When exploring new relationships, it’s important to be aware of old behaviors that sabotaged past relationships. If you don’t know your irksome behaviors, I’m sure past loves would be happy to share their list! But knowledge is not the Holy Grail — but it is the start. Changing habits is one of the hardest things in life. But if you are motivated to have a loving relationship, you have to be willing to give up non-loving habits — and the need to always be right.

_________________

If you’d like more information on working through relationship hiccups, download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed

You’ve heard of cops engaging in high-speed chases to catch criminals. Then OJ Simpson made the low-speed chase a new buzz word when he was avoiding arrest. The concept can be applied to dating, although it is not to avoid incarceration. It might be to avoid entanglement, but it also might be a sound strategy for engagement.

When two people get together too fast, the common advice is, “Slow down. Get to know each other.” Yet few of us heed this counsel.

A man and I have been flirting for a year. We had 3 dates, then another man and I decided to be exclusive. But because the other man and I had struck up a good connection I asked if he’d like to remain friends.

We talk every two weeks and get together for coffee or a walk once a month. I always enjoy the conversations. He makes me laugh, is intellectually stimulating, emotionally stable, physically attractive, affectionate and brings qualities of character, ethics, and self-awareness I’ve not seen in others. When my then-beau and I broke up, I let this man know. We continued our regular talks, emails and get togethers, although it didn’t escalate because he was between jobs and didn’t have the bandwidth to take on a relationship, and I didn’t really want to date a man who was unemployed.

The flirting has continued and in fact, escalated a bit. He sends loving and flirtatious emails and still calls every other week.

It feels like a low-speed chase.

I am used to men who are interested in me putting on a full-press pursuit pretty quickly. Although I’ve seen those fizzle after a few weeks or months. So this slower pace is foreign but appreciated. I don’t feel like he’s just trying to seduce me. I feel we’re getting to know each other. It feels respectful.

Would I like the low-speed chase to quicken to a medium-speed chase? Yes and no. If he were employed, definitely. But while he’s in this limbo I don’t think it is wise to move to the next level.

Will I wait for him to get a job? I will continue to see other men and will welcome his contacts. He needs to decide he wants to step up the wooing, as I’m not going to pursue him. But I will keep sending him leads for jobs he’s qualified for so I can help him get on his feet and hopefully increase his chase pace.

What do you think about slow- versus fast-paced chases? Which do you prefer?

_________________

If you want to determine what the right characteristics are for your next love, download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? now!

View from the Empire Hotel atrium overlooking the S. China Sea

I had a fabulous week in Brunei, as I mentioned in the last posting. That was written at the beginning of the week before I’d met my group. My group of senior managers was fantastic. We had such a great time in our week-long seminar. They want me back! Yes, I think I could return to this beautiful place and stay in a 6-star hotel, with or without a sweetie to accompany me!

My birthday was last Wed. and the group threw me a mini-party during our tea break. They’d ordered a cake with my name on it, had presents and sang a heavily accented version of Happy Birthday. My client took me out to dinner and then to her house. I always enjoy seeing how people live in other cultures.

The service at the Empire Hotel was fantastic. After two days, my building’s manager (each building has their own manager) asked if I wanted a better view. While my room overlooked the South China Sea, there was a stand of trees blocking a lot of the view. I wasn’t unhappy, but I am a sucker for a good view. She showed me another room on the next-to-top level that overlooked the beach and I could hear the breakers. That sealed it. They moved me there the next day so I could fall asleep to the waves breaking.

From there I went by air to Singapore, then by ferry to Indonesia to present a full-day seminar. The group’s English was not what I was used to in Brunei, so I spoke v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. Those who understood seemed to appreciate the information. They were warm and welcoming.

After two days in the business hotel in the center of the industrial part of town, with my room overlooking the noisy dining courtyard, I knew I didn’t want to spend my two days off in this sterile environment with a bathtub and sink that didn’t drain well, and the room smelled so it wasn’t relaxing. So my client called a friend who runs a beach resort and got me a great deal there.

View from my cottage

My room here isn’t up to the Empire Hotel, but it is fabulous is a rustic way. I have my own cottage on the hill, right above their man-made lagoon, overlooking the bay. I have one very large room with 4 twin beds, two bathrooms, a kitchette, a large balcony with chairs, and windows all around. I’ve cranked them all open full to get the sea breeze.

Last night the wind whipped up fiercely about 2 a.m. I shut many of the windows then the rain started pouring down. It was so fierce, it came in the windows which are under the 8-foot overhang! Lightning lit up the sky. But it subsided by sunrise.

Singapore is in the distance, and gigantic freighters ply the freeway of the Straits. I’m amazed at how fast these behemoths move. Smaller motor boats crisscross the channel to other nearby islands and Singapore.

The weather is perfect. It has been mostly overcast which helps it stay cooler. The breeze is the perfect temperature.

Last night I had a massage in my room so I could go to sleep afterwards. The 90-minute in-room massage cost $30US. This morning I had a “cream bath” which is not what it sounds like. It is a hair/scalp treatment, accompanied by a scalp, shoulder and arm massage.

Tomorrow I take the ferry back to Singapore.

Enjoy the pictures from my journey.

I am in Brunei this week for a client. “Where is Brunei?” you may ask. On the north shore of the island of Borneo. It is beautiful, lush and tropical.

Have you ever been to an amazing place and wished you had a sweetie to share it with you? This is one of those places.

My client has been generous, putting me at the country’s poshest resort, The Empire Hotel. My room is large. The bedroom part -— not including the bathroom — is bigger than my living room at home. I have a couch, a dressing area, a frig stocked with free goodies. My floor-to-ceiling windows overlook the South China Sea. The bathroom is as big as my medium-sized kitchen at home and has a bidet, two sinks, two phones(!) a shower and a separate big tub. The lights go on and off as you enter/exit the room, which I learned is actually a problem if you’re soaking in the tub not moving for 10 minutes, as you’ll be in the dark!

I could get used to this!

"The Big Mosque"

A private tour of the main city showcased the “Big Mosque” which has 29 gold-leaf-topped minarets (not to be confused with the “White Mosque” that only has 28), the Regalia Museum which houses all the folderol from the sultan’s 25th-coronation anniversary 15 years ago, plus room after room for all the gifts given him by foreign dignitaries (do we have a museum in the US showing gifts from heads of state?).

The Water Village

We took a water taxi to the Water Village which is home to 39,000(!) residents on stilt houses built in the river, all connected with a boardwalk maze. There are big schools, mosques, and fire and police stations on the stilts. We were allowed to tour a large house and have tea and cookies.

Sunset from the Empire Hotel

After 3.5 hours, we returned to the hotel where I enjoyed high tea. I couldn’t pass up having this very British experience in a former British protectorate. It was fabulous. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven while snacking on delicious treats, when a man starts playing beautiful music on the grand piano 10 feet from me as the sun set.

And the only thing that could make it better is if I had a sweetie to share it. But I will savor every moment and not linger on the thought of what’s missing, but instead on my amazing good fortune. Life is good. The more we focus on what is good in our lives the more we will attract the right person to share it with us.

_________________

Want to be more aware of what great things you bring to a relationship? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch now!

At dinner with 3 other midlife dating women, one asked for input on a situation.

She’d gone out with a man three times. While she said she enjoyed his company, she didn’t feel any romantic attraction. He’d asked her to call him when she returned from a recent trip, which she had that day.

She didn’t want to call him. She said, “What would I say? That I didn’t want to go out with him again? That seems dumb and hurtful. If I don’t call him, won’t he get the message?”

We all agreed that the easy way out was not to call him. But the easy way was not the right way.

All of us had experienced men going poof and none of us liked it. Especially if we’d gone out with someone several times. We all felt it was disrespectful.

Her not calling him is not only disrespecting him, it is, in fact, disrespecting her. Anytime we don’t act the way we know is “right,” we ignore our own moral compass. I said that I wanted to behave in a way that had me respect my own actions, even when they involved something that was uncomfortable or difficult.

I think we all want to respect ourselves and feel we are acting with character. The dictionary defines that as “The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual; a person’s good reputation.” Many of us have been told that character is doing what is right when no one is looking.

We need to have character in dating, whether we call it that or integrity, backbone, uprightness, moral strength, or something else. We get frustrated when the men we date don’t personify these traits. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need to — for our own self-respect.
______________

For more information on calling it quits with someone you’ve dated, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

Women know that if a man doesn’t ask to spend time with her, he’s not that interested in her. We have learned some men appreciate when a woman suggests a first date, but what about other communication?

If a woman initiates phone calls more often, she may tell herself, “He’s too busy at work to think of calling. So I’ll give him a jingle to see how he’s doing.”

If the woman is generally the one who starts email or text exchanges with a man, she may think, “He’s just not much of an emailer/texter.”

Recently I’ve become aware of a more subtle indicator: who initiates an IM most often. When a man asks if he can IM me and I accept, we can both see each other on our buddy list. When I’m online, I can see when he logs in and out, and he can see when I log in and out. I’ve often looked forward to seeing when a man who interested me logs in and I’d initiate the IM. Now I don’t. I figure if he wants to say hello, he can see I’m online.

More often than not, I put myself in invisible mode, not allowing people to see I’m online. If I want to make myself available when I notice someone come online, I can. But mostly I don’t.

Why?

Because that makes it too easy. I want a man who puts a little effort into our communication. If he can IM me w/virtually no effort, then he isn’t really thinking about me, just bumping into me online. I prefer he actually decides he wants to talk to me and dials the phone.

Is this being a prima donna? Of course, I don’t think so. To me a prima donna would NEVER initiate. I initiate some, but now I’m conscious of not doing most of it.

Why is this important? Because it’s so easy to delude ourselves that someone is into us when really he is just responding to our overtures. I’ve been on the giving and receiving ends of this. I’ve had men contact me who didn’t really interest me and yet I responded if he was nice. However, I’ve learned not to imply there is any romantic interest because I don’t want them to misinterpret my niceness, and I don’t want either of us to waste time. And early on, I’ll suggest that we be friends.

By not initiating IMs, I am seeing how much interest a man really has in getting to know me. If I’m just a mouse-click away and he only IMs me, there’s not much interest. If he at least picks up the phone and call, there is much more. It may seem like a little thing, but I’ve learned it takes Herculean effort for some men to call. In that case, how interested can he really be?

What have you noticed about who initiates IMs vs. phone calls?

________________

More is explained about geting to know men onlin in Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor

When he said he wanted to fly in to meet me, we didn’t intend for it to be a chaperoned event. But it ended up being one — with two  escorts!

Thanks to a friend’s largesse, my date and I were invited to accompany him and another friend to a professional basketball team, for which he had comp tickets. So my two friends ended up being the equivalent of my brothers, checking out my date by trying to engage him in conversation. Unfortunately, my date was more interesting on the phone than in person so his flippant and one-word responses to my friends’ conversation starters stopped any attempt to bring him into the discussion.

While I don’t recommend it for a first date, your friends’ interactions with your date tell you volumes that you don’t see when it’s just the two of you. Yes, alone I noticed his lack of eye contact or any apparent interest in knowing anything about me. But it was even more glaring watching him with my friends. They graciously tried to include him and draw him into discussions (I love them for doing this!), yet he seemed bent on staying an outsider. Was he threatened by their clear camaraderie with me and each other? Our easy laughing and joking with each other? This is common friend behavior and if he couldn’t allow himself to be engaged, then he’s not the guy for me.

What have you learned about someone you’ve begun to date by their interactions (or lack thereof!) with your friends?

_________________

Want to read how to have more great first dates? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Dates now!

Of course, each man has his own “type.” But the research shared in the Discovery Channel program, “The Science of Sex Appeal” gives us some generalizations.

In the program, a cross section of men rated the sex appeal of various computer-generated women’s silhouettes. (They didn’t alter the bust size so that had minimal influence on their choices.) The shape that was deemed the most appealing by the majority of men had a waist to hip ratio of .7. The ratio of a 24″ waist to 36″ hips is .66. The smaller the ratio the better, meaning the more pronounced the difference. It’s not surprising that the Barbie doll’s ratio is 5.4. Ll’l Kim is the best example of a famous woman with a pronounced ratio, at least by my estimation. Then perhaps Beyonce.

We would then assume that small-waisted, large-hipped women would be the rage, at least among the general male population, however this is clearly the ideal for some specialized groups. But they are not what is shown in the media as alluring for the masses. Supermodels have trimmer hips than this ratio.

Why do men find this shape so appealing? Evolutionary biologists believe is has to do with men being attracted to women with large enough hips to easily give birth, thus more likely to have his offspring survive. If her hips are too small, there’s a higher chance something could go wrong during childbirth.

The good news for midlife dating women is many of us now hove broader hips than when we were younger. So if your waist is relatively smaller, you should be in high demand!

________________

For information on how to determine what you bring to relationship that men will find alluring, get your copu of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch today.

A lot of people are feeling powerless lately — about their job security, their financial future, their retirement. Those of us who are dating are used to feeling powerless.

Men say they feel powerless because women set the pace in dating. Women decide how quickly or slowly a relationship advances. A man can feel helpless to get a woman to return his calls or go out with him.

Women say they feel powerless because men control the pace. How many times have you heard women complain about waiting for a man to call? Nowadays, women call men, of course. But even with all the advancements women have made, many still feel some stigma in calling a man or asking him out.

Recently I received an email after a second date with a man I liked. He said he enjoyed our dinner and would call before he left for an international trip a few days later. He’d always kept his word in the months we’d been talking. But not this time. So the quandary is do I call or email him, or just wait for him to surface if/when he wants to connect. I made it clear I’d like to see him again on our date and in our last correspondence. But maybe he felt otherwise as his lack of communication could seem.

I think the best thing we can do to protect ourselves from a feeling of powerlessness is to keep busy. Fill up your life with activities you enjoy and dating others until you’re getting what you need/want in the relationship. If you are talking to and seeing others, you don’t worry about not hearing from one — even if he is the one you like the best.

You don’t want to come across as needy or a stalker by texting/IMing/emailing/calling him multiple times. Let him come to you. If you make it clear you would say yes to an invitation from him and he still doesn’t move forward, that doesn’t need to hold you back. Keep moving forward on your own path without waiting for him to come with you. There are plenty of men who would love to have your company so don’t wait on one who isn’t sure.

____________________

If you’d like more info on dating multiple people, get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player now.

There are so many men with many pictures of their dogs on their profiles it makes me wonder if I will be dating their dogs. One man who interested me wrote so glowingly about his dog, I started my communication to him by writing to his dog. The dog wrote back and we had a very fun correspondence. Unfortunately when we met, the man was not as enticing as his dog!

Another beau’s affection for his toy poodles drove me batty. He baby-talked to them incessantly and it was far from masculine and alluring. He was a horrible housekeeper and there was dog hair everywhere. I had to watch what I wore to his house otherwise when I left my clothing would be as furry as the dogs. Same with his car.

I like dogs and cats as they can be fun and loving. But I don’t like when a dog jumps on me when I’m dressed up. Nor do I like smelly cat litter boxes, nor clouds of fur.

Most people adore their pets. I think it’s key that someone you are considering dating seriously at least tolerates your pet. An ex-beau hated cats. When I was a cat owner, he meanly pushed the cat away when the cat tried to say hello.

If you think of your pets as your furry kids, be up front that your pet is very important to you.

And if you’re not the pet owner, at some point you will be spending time with your sweetie’s pet, either at his house, or if the pet is a dog, walking at the park, beach or neighborhood. So whether your sugar’s pet is a dog or cat, learn to carry a lint roller, as you’ll be using it a lot. And bringing the pet treats can help you win it’s owner’s heart, too.

_____________________

If you want to determine what the right characteristics are for your next love, download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? now!

I watched Steve Harvey promote his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man on Oprah the other day. (I’ll review his book for you later.) Steve talked about how women give “it” up to men too easily, without making the man earn it. And a man doesn’t respect anything he doesn’t have to earn.

By “it” Steve meant not only sex, but a woman’s heart. I’ve read this in other sources too. One man bragged about how easily he could get a woman to forgive him for some selfish act. “Just bring her a $5 bouquet and she gets all gooey eyed. Or just beg her to forgive you over the phone and you don’t even have to spring for flowers!”

I’m afraid these men are right a lot of the time. A man can treat us horribly and if he says or does the right things in the moment, we forgive him. He may or may not promise to ever repeat the behavior. And even if he does promise to clean up his act, he doesn’t have to follow through as he knows the next time it happens, he can cheaply buy his way back into our hearts — and beds.

I’ve experienced this myself even though I know better. If a man with whom I am smitten has done something disrespectful, selfish, or uncaring yet apologizes profusely, I’ve forgiven him. If he tops it with words of undying devotion, even better. And if this apology is punctuated with flowers, yep, I’m usually a goner. And often he is a goner — as in gone — before too long, by exiting himself. His apologies were a ruse to stick around until he was done with me.

Why do we let our emotions be bought so easily? Why don’t we insist a man show us his ardor through his repeated actions of caring, not just short-term fixes?

I think so many women long for a loving connection that we interpret small actions as signs of long-term devotion. We don’t let the scenario play out for a bit to see if he is consistent in showing his interest and earning a place in our heart.

Have you let your emotions be bought easily in the past? If so, what did you learn to not repeat?
______________________________
Want more information on how to tell if a man’s a keeper? Order your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him? today!

The other day I fell. Not for my date, but on my date. And a first date at that.

It was pretty embarrassing, as well as painful. I was all cuted up, in a form-fitting top, sassy skirt, patterned hose, 2-inch heels — not too high. I had nothing — absolutely no alcohol — to drink. We were dining at a table raised above the floor by two small steps. There was low lighting.

When I excused myself to go to the ladies room I didn’t see one of the steps and went down hard. My cute self was splayed on the floor. Luckily, my skirt wasn’t wrapped around my head.

The waiters and manager ran over to see if I was hurt. Mostly, it was my ego that was bruised, as well as some abrasions on my shins and thigh. My hose had a little tear. Otherwise, I was fine.

Interestingly, my date — seated a few feet away — didn’t get up to come to my aid. He turned around in his chair to face me and asked if I was okay as I scrambled to rise and regain what was left of my dignity.

In my four years of dating, I’ve not had another similarly embarrassing mishap. It made me think of how it telegraphs a lot by how we react when calamity happens to us or our date.

I was shaken and embarrassed, but tried to shrug it off. I continued to the ladies room with my head held high. Only when in the well-lit restroom did I see my shins had some open wounds which were oozing a little blood. When I went back to the table, I joked about my klutziness.

It told me a lot about my date that he didn’t rise to help me up, dust me off, or see if I was OK. He just asked from his chair. Did he think he was preventing further embarrassment by not making a fuss? Did he see that I was already vertical so there wasn’t much he could do? Since I said I was fine there was no need to come closer to see?

I don’t know about you, but if I saw someone nearby go down, whether I knew them or not, I’d like to think I’d go to their aid. And if I knew them, I know I would. So for my date to not bother to come check on me was a flag that said we had different perspectives of what was important in dealing with people. And specifically, about people in some distress.

Now I don’t recommend you fall down as a way to test your date’s values around helping you if you were in trouble. But if you do have an unfortunate mishap, notice what he does or doesn’t do and how you feel about it.

And try to keep your skirt down as you fall.
_______________________

If you want to be clear on the type of man you want in your life, download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?. And if you want to learn what to look for in a first date, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increasing the Chances of a Second Date now

You’ve been unlucky in love lately. You think this St. Patrick’s Day the luck of the Irish could rub off on you. But your goal is not to get lucky with a one-night stand. You’d like more. You’d like a long-term relationship. How do you begin?

• Get out your lucky charm — you! Before you join any online dating sites, first get on your dating attitude. You’ve got to spend time identifying your positive qualities. This will help boost your confidence, as it takes courage to date. Meeting a variety of potential suitors means most won’t be a fit. So you’ve got to build up your rejection muscle. Most people are kind about telling you when they (you) aren’t a match, but a few aren’t. Don’t let it get to you. Just say, ‘Next!’

• Dance a jig — or salsa. A great way to meet new people is at a singles dance. Search Google by “singles dance” and your zip code to find ones near you. Usually people are friendly and the organizers encourage people to mix it up and dance with multiple partners. You never know with whom you’ll end up shaking a leg.

• Look at each encounter as a pot of gold. There is treasure in nearly everyone if you are willing to look. Not all your dates will result in a second date, but most people have something valuable inside and it will be a rewarding experience to meet them.

• Protect your treasure — your time. Even though there can be hidden gems in new men, you want to make sure you aren’t wasting your and his time with men who will never be a match because of different values. If you want to minimize spending time with potential suitors who clearly aren’t a match, screen contacts ahead of time through email and the phone. Converse several times before agreeing to even coffee.

• Start with coffee — but not an Irish one. When alcohol enters the picture, judgment can be impaired. An Albert Finney look-alike starts resembling Colin Farrell the more you drink. Start with a short (hour or less) coffee date when you are clear headed and can rationally assess whether he’s someone with whom you want to spend more time.

• Watch out for the Blarney. Some people have dated a lot and are as smooth as Bailey’s Irish Cream. So watch if someone comes on too strong too fast by too much flattering, calling you pet names, touching you as if you are an “item” on the first date, or going for a passionate kiss within minutes of meeting you. Best to head for the hills as if chased by snakes!

• Progress slowly to corned beef and potatoes. Don’t start with a dinner date. If you haven’t pre-screened the person then met first for coffee, a dinner date can be excruciating. If your date continually complains about the ex, talks incessantly, or swears a blue streak, excuse yourself quickly. Only accept dinner for a second date, not a first one.

• Don’t flail yourself — or your date — with a shillelagh. If it doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up, nor blame your date. Be grateful that you quickly found out it wasn’t a match and move on. Let it go. Get back into the dating pool and try again.

• Wear green. Unless, of course, you want to be pinched!

_______________________

If you haven’t downloaded your free copy of You’ve Got to Kiss a Lot of … Princes!, do so now by signing up for our VIP mailing list.

The other day, while preparing for a second date (dinner at a nice restaurant) with a special guy, it occurred to me how much date prep differs significantly between genders. No big revelation here. But the “ah ha” was how little I think one appreciates what the other does.

OK, really, I was thinking how little men understand and appreciate what a women does to prepare for a nice date with a guy she likes.

When a man recently emailed me on the date day to cancel, I thought about how most men don’t have a good picture of what many women do to prep for a date. I’d gone out of my way to do things I’d do at some point, but had some urgency because of the upcoming date with someone I felt was special (e.g., manicure, pedicure, curl hair, ensure outfit was clean and in good repair). So I spent extra time and money in prep for the date. I felt irritated that he didn’t bother to communicate to me more in advance since he knew days before that he was going to be out of town on our date day. I would have postponed some of my activities.

A man’s prep seems to include the following, starting with the basics and escalating the more he wants to impress her:

• Show up within 15 minutes of the agreed upon time
• Spray breath freshener/eat mint/brush teeth
• Don a clean shirt
• Comb hair
• Refresh cologne/after shave
• Shave again (assuming a late-in-the-day date and a heavy growth)
• Change clothes entirely
• Shower again
• Ensure condoms are in wallet
• Buy something to bring her (e.g., flowers, card, CD)
• Call or text her the day before to confirm plans
• Make reservation at restaurant

A woman’s prep includes the following, starting with the basics and escalating the more she likes him:

• Show up within 15 minutes of the agreed upon time
• Spray breath freshener/eat mint/brush teeth
• Don a clean top
• Apply or refresh makeup and perfume
• Do hair (self or by a stylist), including washing, dying, and/or curling/straightening
• Change clothes entirely, including changing into sexy lingerie
• Shower again
• Depilate (self or by a esthetician) various body parts
• Get manicure (self or by a manicurist)
• Get pedicure (self or by a manicurist) if toes show in shoes
• Get outfit dry cleaned or shop for new outfit/purse/shoes
• Obsess about what to wear that is flattering and is sexy enough without looking like a slut
• Call girlfriends and tell them about upcoming date, where he’s taking you, his history, your feelings about him and get advice on what to wear.

A woman can take from an hour to a week to prepare for a date, depending on how much she likes the guy, wants to make a good impression, and where they are going. If it’s a fancy event, it’s like she’s going to be on the red carpet. She wants to look and feel picture perfect. Even for a lunch or dinner date, she’ll go though a number of the items outlined above. Rare is a woman wanting to make a good impression who doesn’t spend at least some time renewing her make up, fussing with her hair, and thinking about her attire.

Unless you’re one of those rare women who looks stunning with no makeup and can show up in rags and still make heads turn, what else do you do to prep for a date with a special guy? And guys, what did I forget from your list?

_____________________

If you want info on what you need to know about getting back into the dating scene, download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Online Dating by Dale Koppel, PhD.

Dr. Koppel has combined two short books in one. In fact, she’s printed her book so you read it one way to get her story, then you turn the book upside down and you get her advice. But she repeats large parts in both sections, so really it’s more like 1.5 books.

Despite dating over 100 men in three years before finding her Mr. Right, her advice is really pretty light on how to navigate the online dating game. In fact, she recommends lying in your profile. Her logic makes sense and she says she discloses her lies quickly in email, phone or the first meeting. She was nearly 60 when she began her quest, but she put her age at 57 to make herself searchable to men in her target age group. This is a common online dating strategy, but I think it makes the man wonder, “What else is she lying about?” Some even asked her that outright.

She also lied about where she lived and her drinking preferences. Again, she had logical reasons why she chose to lie. The logic makes sense, but I don’t support lying in profiles. But then I’ve not had to deal with the reasons she chose to lie, so I can’t say what I’d do in similar circumstances.

I’m unclear why this is “the intelligent woman’s guide” since some of her advice does not sound like an intelligent woman’s decision making. For example, she shares her cavalier attitude about asking her lovers about STDs, getting blood tests and using condoms. While each person has to make their own decisions about these issues, I think it’s irresponsible for an author — who is then considered an “expert” by the media — to say, “I let the man decide if he wants to use a condom or not.” That is essentially endorsing unsafe sex and letting someone else decide if you will contract a deadly disease. Spencer Lieb, senior epidemiologist at the Bureau of HIV/AIDS at the Florida Department of Health, states “the number of HIV and AIDS patients in the over-50 crowd nationwide had grown in recent years.” I think we who have a platform need to encourage only safe sex practices, no matter what we chose to do in our own relationships. Disclosing that you’ve only used a condom once with a series of lovers is irresponsible to readers, even if it’s true.

The thing we agree on is to look at each interaction as a learning experience and to use them to grow.

For people who like reading other people’s dating stories, I suppose this can be an interesting read. But for those wanting more solid, extensive advice on how to navigate online dating sites, I’m afraid there are other more useful resources.

_________________

Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor shares strategies, examples and stories for understanding and utilizing dating sites. Download yours now.

I have a “sensitive” stomach. It helps me date better.

Why?

It’s probably not what you think. It has more to do with men and less to do with food.

Having a delicate digestion makes me think through what I eat before I eat it. While I love the taste of fried foods, sausage and spicy dishes, I don’t love how they make me feel afterward. Within minutes of eating this flavorful fare, my stomach is uncomfortable, sometimes to the point of queasiness, nausea — or worse.

I’ve learned not to eat foods that are tasty but come back to haunt me.

I bet you’re ahead of me on how this makes me date better.

When I’ve encountered an initially delicious guy — good looking, interesting conversation, sexy — I’ve been seduced into partaking in his temptations too soon. This may mean kissing earlier than usual, falling under his spell and getting attached too early, or doing things that feel good in the moment. But nearly always there is a price to pay — often pretty quickly.

His lip-smacking scrumptiousness comes back on me and makes me feel bad. I’ve indulged in something that felt good in the moment but quickly turned to an unhealthy aftermath — usually emotional, but sometimes coupled with physical maladies (upset stomach, crying, tight muscles from stress over him).

Now I’ve learned to put the brakes on and ask myself, “How will I feel about myself afterward? Will I feel better or worse?” More often than not, this allows me the distance to admit, “worse” and hold off on what I think will be so luscious now. There may be great evidence that it will be delectable. But if I wait until I’m more certain that all the ingredients are there to make it exquisite, I will have fewer experiences of heart burn and heartache.

You may say, “We aren’t getting any younger. These mouthwatering opportunities are few and far between. Go for it! Seize the day!” Yes, there is that attitude. But my experience is there’s always another opportunity to have something succulent that doesn’t end up leaving your stomach and heart in a knot. Being willing to check on what your body and heart want is a step toward getting it long term and rejecting quick hedonistic urges that leave you feeling lousy afterwards.
__________________

If you’d like more information on how to be clear on what you want, download your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch now!