But the first time with a new love can also be anemic and unsatisfying. In fact, many midlife daters report the initial romp to be less fulfilling than they hoped. Even with someone with whom they are emotionally and physically excited.

So do what you do with the first waffle — throw it out!

Does that mean to ignore the first time exploring bedroom bliss with your sweetie? Not really. But it does mean not putting a lot of weight on the outcome. You are learning about each other, what the other likes, communicating what you want. There can be a lot of pressure. So if one or both of you don’t reach nirvana, it is not a pronouncement that you are sexually incompatible. It means that this part of your relationship is a work in progress, just like other parts.

With waffles, you expect the first one to be “practice.” Keep that same attitude toward your first-time intimacy with your beau. And, just like with waffles, give the “iron” (your connection) time to heat up so the subsequent attempts yield more satisfying results.

When I make waffles, some of the batter oozes out the side. My waffles aren’t always beautiful to behold — but they are usually yummy if I put the love and attention into them that is needed to have a scrumptious repast. Your first (or second) intimate encounter can be inelegant. But given the right ingredients (mutual respect, communication, desire, humor), horizontal happiness is bound to be cooked up.

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“He is in control. He calls you and sees you when he wants. It is you who asks, ‘When will I see you.’ It should be the other way around.”

She was right. I did ask the question more often, as I wanted to know at least 24 hours in advance. I’d explained to him that I’d like a few days notice, and sometimes he’d comply but mostly it was more spur of the moment.

She continued, “He wants you on his terms — when and where it works for him. While he makes a modicum of effort to appear to address your needs, he really pulls the strings.”

“Yes, he wants me on his terms. But I think we all want our relationship on our own terms. We want what we want. None of us gets 100% of what we want. That’s why compromise is so critical. If only one of you is compromising, then the power is unbalanced. One of you will feel put upon and disrespected.”

The key is to be cognizant of how much compromising each of you is making to keep it somewhat in balance. However, I’ve noticed it’s much easier to note what compromises you’ve made, as you’re less aware of the ones he’s made. When you observe his attempts at compromise, it’s important to acknowledge that you appreciate his working to find a common ground or give you what you want.

My friend pointed out that control issues can lead to abuse issues, so to watch out. I can see how that could be true. Although it was interesting to observe potentially controlling behavior in another, as my ex accused me of being controlling.

What do you think the balance is for each person to feel s/he is getting the relationship on his/her own terms? How do you know when you are compromising too much?

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I’ve been dating my 56-year-old boyfriend for a six months. I enjoy his company, both in and out of the bedroom, and he says he enjoys mine too. In the beginning, we’d go out to dinner, plays, concerts, movies, picnics, bike rides, etc. Now, he says he has to work late and comes over just to spend the night — including pre-sleep activities, if you know what I mean.

I want a boyfriend, not a booty call. When I tell him I want to go out more and do things, he says he knows. He’s just overloaded at work now and has to work late and on weekends, so the only time we have to see each other is at night. Uh huh. When I complain a lot, he’ll take me out to dinner, but as soon as we are back at the house, he starts seducing me.

I have no idea if he is working in the evening and weekends, or at home or out with the guys. He only has a cell phone and often doesn’t answer. I’m concerned that he just sees me as a f-buddy and is faking the work excuse.

How do I let him know I want more than a sex buddy? I’ve told him, but he hasn’t done much to make me see that he is willing to be with me for more than a roll in the hay.

Interesting dilemma. Do you trust he’s telling you the truth and wait out his heavy work schedule, putting aside your needs? Or do you insist that at least some of your needs be met?

Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him again what your needs are, not in a nagging, complaining way, but straightforwardly. Tell him you love his company and doing things with him beyond the bedroom. Tell him you’d like to experiment with scheduling an activity once a week that doesn’t involve a sleepover.

Then wait for his reaction. He may sound amenable in the moment, “Sure sweetie. We can do that. I know it’s been difficult on you with my work schedule. I’ll work harder to make sure we go out at least once a week.” But then wait until he agrees to the non-booty call part. If he does follow through with an outing each week, see if he expects to stay over afterwards. My guess is he will. If you send him back to his own place, I’d guess he’ll begin to pull back all together and not call or see you as much. If so, you have your answer. You are his booty call, not his boo.

Sometimes you have to force his hand to get the answer you need, even if you don’t really want it. But if having a relationship beyond the bedroom is important to you, you have to call him out on this. You could go years not getting your needs met waiting for this guy’s “heavy work period” to lighten up. And perhaps he’s not really at work, just waiting until dark to get you under the sheets.

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It reminded me of the movie “Sliding Doors,” staring Gwyneth Paltrow. In it we see how her character’s life unfolds both if she catches the subway train home one day and if she does not. Such a seemingly inconsequential event, but the major repercussions are shown in how her life progresses depending on whether she makes it back to her apartment and catches her lover with another woman or not.

Such was a turning point for me with how I answered his question. However, unlike Paltrow’s character, I was clear how one answer would play out, but not certain how the opposite answer would.

Have you been conscious of such turning points in your relationships, where you are confident one choice would lead in one direction, but unclear where the other would lead? You can choose the certainty of one path, or the excitement that would follow the second choice. The certain path seems easier because of the predictability, but there is no passion. The uncertain path is where your heart lies, but there is no guarantee of happiness.

His IM followed a few days after several pointed email exchanges, which were not angry and hostile, but directly asked for clarification of behaviors incongruent with words. We were both guilty of inconsistencies that were vexing to the other.

His IM began: “I am sitting here wondering should we say ‘good bye’ here or face to face?” It was an unexpected question based on the previous week’s messages which bespoke adoration and attraction. The assumption was that we would say goodbye soon. The question was not “should we say goodbye” but “when and how should we say goodbye.”

This was troubling to me as we’d had one of those instant connections — that elusive chemistry. It grew as we got to know each other and were drawn to each other on many levels. But there had been some miscommunications, misunderstandings and unspoken desires.

I knew if I said, “Let’s say goodbye now,” I would forever close the door on the possibility of exploring if we might indeed be a great partnership. Yes, there had been challenges, but I know few relationships that don’t, especially after the initial glow has dimmed a tad. Part of the cause of our miscommunications, I felt, was we didn’t spend enough time together to understand each other’s thought processes, priorities, and needs. I felt that with a bit more time together, we’d have more information to determine if we were a good match or not. The parts that were good were very, very good, and in my experience of dating, were very rare.

So I said I didn’t want to say goodbye, and asked if he did. We had a 3-hour discussion about our concerns and needs. We worked out some of the issues causing hesitation and agreed to meet to discuss more in person.

I made a choice about which door to close and which to swing open. We don’t always have the power of such choice. If he had been insistent on saying goodbye, there would have been little I could have done to keep the door open. And if few of my needs were being met, I would have taken him up on his offer to close the door.

When you are faced with a decision of whether to close or leave open a door on a relationship, look inside and determine if you have had enough of your needs met and if your partner will likely want to give you more, and you to give him what he wants. Don’t just take the easy way out by saying goodbye because it looks like working through the issues will be jarring. How you both respond to working through issues tells you a lot about each other, and can bring you closer together.

Don’t slam the door on a relationship which may have a few rough edges, but you feel has the potential to be wonderful. Relationships are like diamonds — they need polishing to become resplendent. However, if the relationship is too rocky and causes too much heartache, best to close that door so another one can be allowed to open.

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But often his behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s harder to realize this when he attributes positive feelings to you that would be impossible to come by after only a meeting or two.

I learned this when a man I went out with once told me he loved me at the end of the date. It happened again yesterday.

This man and I went out twice four months ago. There wasn’t the spark I needed to see each other romantically, so we decided to be just friends. We kept in touch periodically via phone and text, but I haven’t heard from him in a month.

Yesterday he called and was flirtatious. When I said it didn’t sound like how friends talked to each other, he asked what I meant. I reminded him of our conversation and said I was seeing someone else. He said he has no memory of that conversation and was crushed. He said he envisioned us being together for a long time, that I was so much of what he’d been looking for, that he loved me. He started to cry, saying he can’t believe how he screwed this up. I told him I had no idea he felt that way and tried to console him.

On one hand, I could be flattered that he felt this way about me after so little contact. On the other, I’m realistic enough to know that no one could fall in love with another after only a few encounters, especially if there was no clear mutual attraction.

I realized that this scenario really had little if anything to do with me. It was really about a lonely man feeling he’d made a connection and idealizing me without really knowing me. It can happen to any of us, as we see through the lens of what we want to see.

The lesson is to ask yourself, “Is this really about me? Or is it about some need he has that he attributes to me?” It will keep you saner in dating if you understand not all that we see is based on the other, but more through the filter of our own needs.

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I recently jointly decided to be exclusive with a man I’ve been dating for a little while. However, I’d been multi-dating and although I’ve told the others I’m going to focus on one man right now, several are interested in my letting them know if it doesn’t work out.

How do you deal with dangling men who are waiting in the wings? Do you still respond to their calls, emails, IMs and/or texts, even though they have dialed back their flirting and wooing? Am I cheating on my guy if I stay in touch with these guys who are now somewhere between friend and suitor? I’m not sure where the line is between appropriate pal contact and kinda dating? I’d be mortified if my guy thought I was two-timing him.

Dale:

This is a very good question. I’ve run up against this myself, and it is hard to know what is right.

You have to ask yourself why you want to keep in touch with these guys. Are they your spares in case your #1 guy doesn’t work out? Do you harbor some desire to see if they are better than the guy you’ve decided to focus on? Might you not give your current guy as much of a chance if you know you have fallback options waiting a phone call away?

If your decision to keep in contact is as insurance, then it’s not really being fair to anyone. They keep some hope alive that you may give them a second chance to earn your attention. Your guy doesn’t get your full focus as you know you have others waiting in case he doesn’t meet your every need — which nearly no man will ever do.

That said, a dozen or more of the men I’ve gone out with have kept in contact with me even after we’ve decided we aren’t a good match. However, none of them (to my knowledge) harbor any hope of our getting together again as sweethearts. It is clear we are just pals now, and enjoy enough of the other to want to stay connected.

But I draw the line at doing anything date-like with any of them. If we have lunch together, it is Dutch treat. If we go to the movies or a hike, there is no hand holding, romantic touching nor smooching. If there were, that would be unfair to the man I’ve sworn exclusivity to as well as sending mixed signals to my pal.

You may also want to discuss this with your guy, as he, too, may have women he was seeing who want him to stay in touch. You should come up with a solution that feels right to both of you based on how you would feel if the situation was flipped. Would you be upset if you knew your guy was still in contact with women he was seeing before you and he decided to be exclusive? Most women would. But he may see nothing wrong with your continuing to pal around with these jilted guys, especially if they like to do things he doesn’t (e.g., tennis, hiking, opera). However, he may not like it any more than you’d like him hanging with those he rejected for you.

Readers, what do you think?

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I was put off by the title of this book, just as I had been with Why Men Love Bitches. It turns out both books are full of sound advice, but their publishers must have decided inflammatory titles would get more buzz.

I abhor the title as I don’t think all men are jerks, and hate the idea of encouraging women in perpetuating this man-bashing concept. The author explains that both genders can be jerks, but I’m sure “Everyone Is a Jerk” would not have sold many copies.

Schwartz’s premise is that we should assume all men are jerks until they prove themselves otherwise. She quotes men in her classes who lie to women to get what they want, saying they are single when they are not, or disease free, or looking for a long-term relationship. Or offering excuses like working late when really they are seeing another woman. The men say women are easy to fool and their forgiveness is easy to buy.

The author says most women will forgive her man for nearly anything if he brings her flowers, says he’s sorry, tells her he loves her, or buys her something. She says we create the jerks we complain about by putting up with disrespect and dishonesty. So we are jerks as well.

While most of the advice is common sense, I admit I’ve fallen for some of the jerk-like behavior. I’ve given grace for disrespectful behavior. I’ve forgiven acts from a man I liked that I should have dumped him for. So while one would think “I’d never fall for that,” if you haven’t been smitten by someone who knew how to get what he wanted, you don’t really understand how easy it is to tolerate jerky behaviors. She encourages readers to not be gullible and not allow inexcusable behavior. Good advice.

The book has several extraneous chapters which I’m finding is common with books that would really be long articles without the padding. A strong theme is to love yourself, not put up with a man’s BS, and create a great life so you don’t succumb to a jerk’s wiles. This is sound advice no matter what the book is titled.

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The middle-aged man I’ve been seeing for a few months is Mr. Spontaneity. He rarely plans anything in his life more than a day in advance, including our getting together. Last week he called me as he was leaving his house — 45-minutes away — and asked if I would have lunch with him. Luckily, I could swing it. I’ve told him I’d like at least a day’s notice, but he doesn’t seem to be able to shift his mind from the here and now. I considered saying “no” to lunch just to show him I’m not always available, but I wanted to see him, and to say no when I was available seemed game playing.

Last night I’d been invited to a small dinner party and invited him to accompany me. I’d told him about it last week and reminded him again a few days ago. He said he had to check something and he’d get back to me. He never did. I texted and called him before I left for the event, but only heard from him an hour ago. He’d gone out of town to visit friends for the weekend, without a word to me.

I was livid thinking how disrespectful this was to not let me know he wouldn’t be attending. When we are together he is the epitome of respectful, kind, and attentive. But when we’re not, he doesn’t call or text for a few days. We’ve discussed how neither of us is interested in seeing others, so I don’t think another woman is taking his focus. I’m not sure what to do. I want to have someone I can depend on to attend social functions, not a fly-by-night lover.

I’ve been there before, taking my guy’s behavior personally and getting huffy at the perceived slights. It is easy and natural to do. You have to decide if it is just a difference in styles or if he is taking you for granted. If the former, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to shift your expectations, as it is doubtful he will change.

He sounds like he is like a wild stallion, coming and going at his whim, running where his interests take him. Occasionally, he will come to you for the sweet sugar and affection you provide. You want him to be like the corralled horse: predictable, stable, and tamed. Perhaps part of his allure is his wildness and unpredictability. As well as the quality of your experience with him — when he nuzzles you, you know there is no where else on the planet he’d rather be. He focuses on you completely. Until he’s off again for a few days, sowing his wild oats.

The corralled horse also has appeal. You know you can count on him, you can lead him where you want, you know where to find him at all times. He’s happy in his pen as long as it includes regular attention and feeding from you. But some women find this kind of relationship boring.

You are expecting your guy to act boyfriend-like. But he is, it seems, unwilling to be tamed. If your irritation at his spontaneity overwhelms your love of spending time with him, then move on. But if you like to be with him and need some predictability, then consider renegotiating your exclusivity and agree to see others. You will, no doubt, find someone who is more traditional in his interest and ability to commit to a social engagement a week or two in advance. As long as all parties know there is not an exclusivity agreement, then you can see two people at once. It may not be optimal, but since your wild horse is not likely to change his ways, you need to explore options for getting your needs met. Yelling at and nagging him won’t accomplish what you want. A wild horse will buck off an unwelcomed rider, and you will not enjoy the experience.

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I was dating a man, then he quit his job of twenty years and seemed overwhelmed with stuff in his life. However, he kept assuring me we were fine. For months we talked every day — we knew exactly when to get a hold of each other. We had no secrets. I could even be at his place when he wasn’t there. We had many overnights, and talked frequently, confiding very personal stuff.

Then something shifted. I went over to his place, he was home, but avoided me. Then some weird messages, telling me about silly little things. Then nothing for over 2 months. I believe he became depressed. He is over 50, very professional, and all signs indicate he would be completely forthright with any need to split with me.

My conundrum is, do I assume — and there are many indications — that he is depressed and I emotionally support him? Or do I act like I normally would when someone disappears and just move on?

I’ve asked him for a note, email or text to tell me if I should stop contacting him. I made it very clear that I only need to be told once. Then, on the other hand, I’m willing to stick by if it’s a health issue.

What are your thoughts?

Gayle:

This is a toughy. However, you have a good history with him, so you don’t want to assume the worst. It sounds like you haven’t actually talked to him. I would definitely call and talk or set up a time to have coffee or go to his house (or he yours). If he is depressed, it would be hard for him to reach out. Your extending your hand of support could be just what he needs to seek professional help and get his life back on track.

Or perhaps he got back with an old love or started seeing someone else but didn’t know how to break it to you. His avoiding behavior then nothing could be interpreted that way, but you won’t really know until you ask.

If he doesn’t return your phone calls, don’t leave him angry messages, just be supportive. Assume that your analysis is in some part right and leave the door open for him to reach out. But don’t wait on him, date others. You’ve already waited for him two months, so if you haven’t already, see others. If he comes back around and you aren’t attached to another, you can see him again. Or perhaps just shift to friend mode.

Readers: what advice do you have for Gayle?

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Manipulate: control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously

Entice: attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage

Yesterday, I was accused of trying to manipulate someone. It threw me for a loop as that was 180% opposite of my intention. Truth be told, I wasn’t even trying to persuade nor entice them. An off-hand comment that I thought was being playful was taken in the worst possible way, and elicited an indictment of my morals, integrity and motives. I was quite taken aback.

It caused me to examine the word and the distinction between persuasion, manipulation or enticement, especially in the context of dating and romantic relationships.

I know certain words, phrases and images are enticing to many men. When in a healthy relationship, you learn what your man wants and work to give it to him. Is that manipulative? Only if you want something in return other than his happiness. Of course, if he is happy, he will be more compelled to make you happy. So by giving him what he wants are you being manipulative? Or just enticing?

A gal pal knows her husband likes to have sex every three days. She says she makes sure to oblige, as he is much more receptive then to doing the things she wants. Is she being manipulative? Persuasive? Enticing? Or is she just giving him what she knows he wants?

By midlife, most of us know how to tell a man what we want and how to acknowledge him when he gives it to us. We know he wants to make us happy. For many men, making us happy is a primary goal. However, what if he knows that if he makes us happy outside the bedroom, we will be more enthusiastic about having sex with him? So this is the other side of the scenario in the previous paragraph. What if my friend’s husband did what she wanted knowing she’d be more prone to have sex more frequently?

What do you think about giving your sweetheart what you know he wants? Are you just being smart, working to have a happy man and relationship, or is there some manipulation involved?

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