Last week a fellow globetrotting gal pal and I were sitting by the pool in Siem Reap, Cambodia during a 2-week trip to SE Asia. We were comparing notes about our recent dating lives. Or lack thereof. And our frustration at finding a sweetheart who had the means, time and desire to travel, and who had mutual attraction.

We share a lot of the same criteria for a man we’d welcome in our lives. We both want someone we find intellectually and physically attractive, and who could join us — even if only occasionally — on our global adventures. We’ve dated aggressively in our own home areas and not had much luck.

She asked, would you move to an area where there might be more of the type of man you’re looking for?

I thought about it.

I’ve tried long-distance relationships, and none have worked as I’ve found it’s way too hard to develop the closeness I want. But to move to an area just to find love?

Hmmm. Seems like a lot of effort.

She said she thought the men in Turkey and Greece would find me fetching. I have had a great time with the Greek men I’ve met. But then, there are Greek men in my area. Why not go to more Greek community activities?

But we kept talking.

How about just having an extended stay in one of those places, either domestically or internationally? Live there for a few months and see what happens?

She’s planning a trip to Turkey in the summer and invited me along. Maybe I’ll go on a man-scouting tour and see what happens. I’m not really into vacation romances, but I could see what the “inventory” is like.

Would you move to find love?
_____________________

Want to explore more about finding your match? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

It began 9 years ago today. I call it “The Great Awakening.”

Two days earlier we’d returned from a romantic week in a favorite city. We held hands walking in the rain-cleansed park, enjoyed restaurant meals and sight-seeing together, had laughs with friends, and had passionate nights.

He was intermittently moody during the vacation, sometimes walking 20 paces ahead or behind me saying he needed some solitude. I was used to this behavior, as it happened occasionally in our 20-year marriage. It was usually a phase and if I gave him space, he worked it out.

But returning home, he still seemed a bit distant. I asked if anything was wrong and he said no, so I figured he’d get over it soon enough. I fixed one of his favorite meals, and since it was Friday, we usually watched a movie.

As we were finishing dinner, he asked what I’d like to do after dinner, watch a DVD? I said sure.

Then there was a long pause. I’ll remember what he said next for the rest of my life.

He looked at me and said, “I think this marriage is over.”

I was dumb struck. I thought surely I’d heard him wrong. “What?” I asked not believing what I thought I’d heard.

“I think this marriage is done.”

“What are you talking about?” I was sure there must be some misunderstanding. We hadn’t been fighting — in fact, we never fought. We were rational, respectful people who taught others about how to communicate honestly. Our couples counselor said we could quit coming to her because we had become so good at working things out on our own.

He explained that he’d gone hiking a month ago and tried to figure out why he was unhappy.  He wanted to spend full time focusing on enhancing his spirituality, living alone praying and meditating. This was the first I’d heard of it. A voice came to him that our marriage was over. When I asked if his spiritual quest required him to not be married, he said yes. I asked if he wanted to spend some time alone to sort it out. He said he was sure, but we should try spending a while apart.

I started crying. We talked more. Finally, after a few hours, he said he needed to go to bed. He went into our bedroom and climbed into our bed. Still crying, I too, got ready for bed. I couldn’t sleep, I was constantly weeping. Surreally, he tried to comfort me. How could someone who caused the pain think he could comfort me?

The next day we decided it would be best if he stayed with a friend for a while. It was hard to be without the man I spent nearly all of every day with. I cried a lot. But one night, I was awakened by a voice clear and distinct: “Fresh start. New beginning.”

But I didn’t want a new start. I wanted my old marriage back. The one with the man I thought was my soul mate.

It took me a few weeks to embrace the voice’s message. I began to see that I had overlooked glaring problems in our marriage because I wanted it to work. Instead of dueling lawyers, we decided to have a mediator help us through the distribution of assets. It was like exit counseling. Without the fear of saying something that would hurt the relationship, we were brutally honest. We didn’t care if it hurt the other or not — we told our truths.

When he said, “I rarely thought about you if you weren’t in the room” I realized how much time I’d spent thinking about how to make him happy, then implementing those ideas. I thought that’s what people did to have good relationships. I realized he had spent nearly no time thinking about how to make me happy.

I was struck with the idea that I could have spent the rest of my life bending over backwards to make a man happy who spent nary a nanosecond thinking about how to make me happy. It was a gift to be free of him.

This was the beginning of many, many epiphanies about the marriage I thought I’d been in instead of the realities of the marriage I had really been in. I began to look at what I’d compromised in the name of “having a good marriage.” I took crumbs in return. I saw all the places I’d subjugated what I wanted thinking I was being a good wife.

Now was the awakening of who I truly was and what I wanted. I was no longer weighed down by someone else’s needs and fears. I started dating and learned I could be attractive to men — in fact, lots of men. I saw where my boundaries are and how to communicate them clearly. I explored activities I’d never had experienced if I was still married.

So while it took me 18 months to heal my heart from the severity of the hurt, I truly do have a much better life now.

If you have any lingering anger or bitterness from your divorce, see if you can reframe it as an awakening.

What has awakened in your life since your divorce?

__________________

Want to better understand if you’re ready to date again? Get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

You sit comfortably and watch the dishes go by. You pick what looks appealing.

If you’re curious, you look more carefully and read whatever description is provided.

If an interesting one slips by without your snagging it, soon another option appears right in front of you. You don’t even have to move.

In fact, more often than not, the same dish will come back in a little while.

But once contact is made you can’t just put it back. You have to at least entertain liking it, if only briefly. Then you can dump it if it’s not to your taste.

Having a steady flow of potentially yummy options has pros and cons. A pro is you may be introduced to something you might not have sought out. You may be delightfully surprised — or disappointed.

Or having this unending flow may make you pickier, as you know what you do and don’t want. The problem can be what you want isn’t on the conveyor belt. Perhaps you want — really want — tacos. But you’re at a sushi bar. No matter how long you wait, you’re never going to find what you’re looking for.

But if you want sushi — even uncommon sushi — you are likely to come across what you seek. You may just have to wait a while and be relentless in continuing to look, even when faced with dish after dish of what isn’t appealing to you. Or you may have to go to another sushi bar.

You may even try entertaining several dishes at the same time. If so, it allows you to compare and contrast before deciding on a favorite.

Just like a sushi bar, online dating takes clarity of what you want, balanced with a willingness to try something you might not have thought you’d like. It takes alertness to be engaged in the process, not ignoring what’s in front of you. If you have the attitude that the right dish will just fall in your lap, you’ll be disappointed.

So keep up your vigilance and continue your search, even when nothing looks good to you. Distract your hunger by engaging with friends, but continue to keep your eyes open to what’s presented to you. You never know when what you want is in front of you and you have to snatch it quickly.

And when you get what you want, don’t forget to thank the sushi chef.

_________________

Want to better understand what it’s like to be dating again after 40? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

His profile listed his name as “Micheal” (sic). But his first email was signed “Gerald.” When I asked him about the discrepancy, he admitted his name was, indeed, Micheal. He said, “I just didn’t feel it was right to go ahead with my real name at first.”

Didn’t he realize everyone he contacted would see his name was listed as Micheal?

The irony was clinched when he also wrote, “Honesty is and always has been the best policy for me.” So dude, don’t you think lying about your name is dishonest? And dig this, he signed this email — in which he admitted his name was Micheal — as Gerard.

What’s up with this?

If we set aside the yellow flags that this is a scammer, and take it that he is a regular guy, how can someone really not see the irony in claiming that honesty is the best policy then lying about one’s name? Repeatedly?

Some men make it easy to pass on them. Then they wonder why there aren’t any “good women out there.” Maybe the good women are too smart to fall for dishonest men!
__________________

Want more tips on how to tell if someone isn’t worth your time before you meet them? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

You’ve heard such a being exists. But you have yet to encounter one. Not that you haven’t tried. Relentlessly.

You’ve hunted in the places you’ve heard they frequent. To no avail.

You mean them no harm. You would lavish one with love, affection and devotion if you were just to find one.

You hear some are skittish because they don’t like the thought of being captured, thus giving up their comfortable life in the wild. But then, they also like the benefits of a reliable companion to play with.

Many imposters have come your way, pretending to be the creature you seek. They say they are mature, thoughtful, financially secure, introspective, caring, healthy (mentally and physically), unattached and want to please. But you have yet to find one that has these seemingly simple characteristics. They are chameleon-like in that they appear this way to begin with, but then their colors change after a short while.

You have seen some who have been captured by others and most seem happy. The benefits of a warm home, dependable meals, and regular loving outweigh their desire for an untamed lifestyle. If their handler allows them to taste the wild life once in a while with their fellow domesticated ones, they seem satisfied.

So how do you find one of these rare, uncaptured creatures? The only ones left in the wild seem unwilling to give up their wild ways. And when the domesticated ones find themselves free again, they seem to want to stay wild as long as possible.

Don’t be daunted by those who pretend to be the unique treasure you want. Keep up your quest. Yours is out there, longing for the right companion.

______________________

Want more ideas on what to look for in your next great mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Susan Sarandon at age 65

I feel  a special connection with Susan Sarandon. Not that I look anything like her nor do I share her movie-star lifestyle. I met her when I was doing some work at Miraval, Oprah’s favorite spa, in the hills north of Tucson, AZ. She was there for a week with her daughter. We chatted a bit in the women’s changing room after our individual spa treatments. She was warm, gracious and down to earth — even dressed in only a bathrobe!
 
She appeared in this week’s People Magazine. In the article, she discusses many topics. I was fascinated by her comments on sexiness at age 65. Of course she doesn’t look how most of us would think 65 looks. Must be those Miraval spa treatments!

I realize women (and men) are reinventing how all ages look now. Instead of 60 being the new 50, some are even going for 40! Will our looks soon be sealed at a certain age, never going beyond, say, 40? It seems that’s what’s Joan Rivers is going for! With the prevalence and more affordability of plastic surgery, more people are opting to stop the outward aging process.

But Susan’s philosophy on sensuality and sexiness go beyond her appearance. Regarding sensuality, she says, “It’s really more of an attitude than it is being naked.”
 
When asked for her reaction to being described as sexy. “I’m happy to be considered desirable. I love it!” What is her secret? “Breasts certainly help … but it’s really more of an attitude. Sexuality means that you’re saying yes to life.”

I think she hit the nail on the head. Saying yes to life means you are vibrant and vital and trying new things. It means you have zest, which is very appealing. You’re actively embracing new experiences, which means you’re putting out vibes that say you’re open to being embraced — by a sweetie.

In dating, men tell me they are looking for a sexy woman. And we all know that sexiness is really all in our own head.

Do you feel sexy now? Did you stop feeling sexy at a certain age? Why?

____________________

Want some help identifying your positive attributes, including sexiness? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

When one has been single and dating around for a while, it’s easy to make life choices around that single status. When you don’t have a sweetie, it’s hard to think in terms of “us” and “we” since that isn’t your current situation.

Yet if you are actively seeking a partner you want to make decisions that will be inclusive of having someone regularly in your life.

This was the attitude I’ve adopted as I begin a master bath remodel. It would be easy to think, “I don’t need a big bathtub because it’s only me.” It takes some future thinking to say, “I want a two-person tub and two shower heads” when right now it’s only you.

When you explain your needs to suppliers, they immediately assume you’re in a relationship so ask how tall your partner is, and other questions that seem natural to help you make decisions. It’s a tad awkward to say, “I don’t know how tall he is because I haven’t found him yet.”

In some circles, this attitude is called “holding the space” for the possibility to become reality. If you close the space — mental as well as physical — it will be harder for someone to come into your life. For example, I have empty drawers on my ex’s side of the bedroom so when a new man enters my life, he’ll know I have planned for him to be there without my having to rearrange my life.

Of course, I will have to rearrange parts of my life. But if I can move forward with him in mind, he will fit more easily.

Does this mean I would plan for my beloved to move in with me? Not necessarily. But there would be some period where we share each others’ space. And when that happens, I want my home to be as comfortable and accommodating to both our needs as possible.

And who knows, he may have an even bigger tub and dual shower heads!

_________________

Are you mentally ready to allow someone new into your life? To help you explore this, order your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

After swimming in the dating pool for a while, you begin to wonder why some people even say they are “swimming” too. They behave in ways that show they are still on the pond banks, even though they’re acting like they are in the pool.

What do these behaviors look like?

• He lists himself as single on an online site.
• He makes contact via email, phone, IM and/or text.
• He responds to you in a timely manner.
• He sets a time and place to meet
• He says he’s really looking forward to seeing you.

But then he gets cold feet. Some let you know ahead of time. Others just don’t show.

Why does this happen? It could be several reasons:

• He’s got a wife/girlfriend/someone he’s dating but isn’t meeting all his needs — usually sexual.
• He’s talking to several women and another one has emerged as better (e.g., easier).
• He just likes the chase, but isn’t really interested in meeting someone.
• He’s looking for someone to scam and you are too savvy for that.

How can you avoid these folks? As I discuss in Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates, you need to vet him as much as possible before putting much time into him. If he tells you conflicting information or something smells fishy, proceed cautiously, if at all. Sometimes it’s best to not even bother meeting if your gut is telling you something is awry.

Unfortunately, we can’t totally avoid these imposters. I thought I’d found a good guy this week. He said he was a veteran officer, now paramedic, starting his own business. He was smart, attentive, funny — my kind of guy. He was tall and I liked his looks.

After a number of calls, emails, IMs, and texts we set a  coffee meeting at 3:30 yesterday. He said he had one errand to do on his drive from his town to mine. He didn’t know how long the errand would take, but he was certain he’d be done in time for our meeting. He’d call at 3:00 to confirm his ETA.

At 2:44 I got a text saying, “Heading back to [my town]….will call in a few..so very sorry.”

I never heard from him again. So “will call you in a few” must mean a few decades to him, not a few minutes as most of us would think. I was a little concerned something happened to him, so I called him at 4:30 — it went to voice mail.

When I shared this with a male friend, he was shocked at this inconsiderate behavior. I told him it was, unfortunately, more the norm than an exception. There are many reasons for it. Even with a lot of knowledge about dating, it’s still hard to not be hoodwinked every once in a while. You’ve got to be careful to not become hardened, suspicious and cynical.

How have you learned to weed out those not really interested in dating, even though they say they are? What are the signs you look for?
_________________

To learn other stealthy red flags that point to a man’s not someone you need to meet even for coffee, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

I sent this picture and to a mattress-salesman friend — who’s also a single hunk. I suggested this offer might help him sell more beds.

But aside from my smart alecness, it made me wonder if men saw this exchange similar to dinner and a dalliance. If the man buys the goods (lunch), he then gets the bonus (lovemaking). Buy a woman quiche, get a quickie. Some BBQ gets you a boff. A bit of food yields fornication. Din-din earns sin sin.

Much has been written about this unstated quid pro quo. As a young woman in the middle of the sexual revolution, I was advised that if a man bought me dinner, then dessert should be me!

Luckily, in midlife most have us have evolved past this tit-for-tat thinking. But occasionally I come across a man who expects to come back to my place after a first date. I now know that it has little to do with his attraction to me, but more a sign of his horniness — as long as the woman he’s with isn’t odious, he’ll at least try to get her in bed.

This is one of the reasons I rarely accept a first date dinner invitation. I’ve found some men expect reciprocity of the physical kind. When they try to extract their “payment,” not only does it feel tawdry, but it reeks of gentrified prostitution.

Have you found midlife men expect intercourse after the third course? Cavorting after cappuccino? A romp after ravioli? Share your stories.

__________________

Want to understand more about sex and dating? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

When dating, it’s common to get one’s hopes up at the beginnings of a new connection. If things go right at the start, we’re encouraged that the relationship will blossom.

But what if there are hiccups near the beginning? Giving grace is admirable. However, what if there are too many to continue with that forgiving attitude?

Case in point — a recent smart, funny, right-aged and conversationally appropriate man contacted me online. He started with a fun email listing specific details from my profile. I soon offered my phone number and he called. In our chats he shared the conversation, even seeming to listen to my responses.

After a week, he said he’d like to meet me. We compared calendars and agreed on lunch that Friday. Thursday he texted that he was at a client’s site about 20 minutes from my house and he was going to work there late. I told him to let me know when and where we were to meet the next day.

Hearing nothing back from him that evening nor Friday morning, at 12:15 I texted him, “Should I eat lunch at home?” He said, “Yes. I’m still at the client’s office. I’ll call you when….” I interpreted that as “…when I know I’ll be done with this client and we can meet.” I thought it would be that day.

I busied myself for the afternoon, thinking we’d get together for coffee, a drink or dinner that evening. I realize this was total conjecture on my part, but he’d been clear he wanted to meet that day.

At 5:30 I texted him that I needed to plan the rest of my evening so to let me know what he was thinking about our getting together. I got no response.

Monday he texted that he knew he was in trouble with me. He had been working on the client’s problem all weekend. How could he make it up to me?

I was irritated. He didn’t have 2 minutes to call or text me what was happening? I found this highly inconsiderate. Was I not being understanding? Was I being too rigid? I didn’t think so, but on the off-chance I was, I decided to give him another shot. Forgiving doesn’t come easily to me when I feel slighted and know it’s a muscle I need to develop. So I resumed the calls and texts.

He said he’d make it up to me — would I like a foot massage, flowers, or just him groveling? He was trying to be funny. Would I consent to letting him take me to lunch that Friday? OK. I’d give him another chance. I told him when I look forward to something, as I had our lunch, and it doesn’t happen, I feel like Charlie Brown having Lucy snatch the ball from underneath his kick. He said he understood.

He texted me Friday morning to see if I was available for a call. I immediately texted yes, in 10 minutes. I called and left a message on his voice mail. That’s the last I heard from him until Tuesday — Valentine’s Day!!!! –  when he texted, “Do you have time for me today?” I had a full day scheduled. And besides, who asks for a first date on Valentine’s Day for that same day? I wrote back, “Since I didn’t get a response to my email nor voice mail on Friday after you said you wanted to get together, I figured you’d thrown me under the bus. It doesn’t work for me when I’m left hanging, with no communication for days.”

So he is gone. It’s sad after you’ve had some initial good interactions with someone then they jack you around. You want to be able to forgive hiccups, but you know if you let inconsiderate behavior go it will just be repeated. You have to take a stand for a minimum behavior that’s acceptable to you.

What’s your experience with dealing with repeated inconsiderate behavior? How many times do you forgive before cutting off the person?
_________________

Want to understand other signs of when to move on and how to do it? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

It’s upon us again.

Every year in the gloom of winter we fight the unwelcome bulges resulting from over-indulging in holiday treats. We trudge through rain, sleet and/or snow to our commitments, praying Spring will come early as relief.

Just as the world could not seem harder or bleaker, it sneaks up on us and stages an attack. We know we shouldn’t be caught off guard, as it happens every year, at the same time.

What is this dreaded event?

Valentine’s Day.

At least it can be dreaded by those who are sweetieless on that day.

So what’s a hopeful romantic to do when the world seems filled with couple-centered love, and you are uncoupled?

You can either embrace the spirit of the day or eschew it.

Here are a few ideas if you choose the former:

• Make everyone you care about your valentine. Either buy or make physical cards or notes, or send electronic versions. The point is to make someone else feel your love. Even a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day” will go far to lift someone’s spirit.
• Wear red and/or hearts in abundance. Stand out (tastefully and job-appropriate, of course) in your declaration of the day anointed as a celebration of love. If red’s not your color, pink or even purple will suffice.
• When walking to/from buildings/transportation, play love songs on your iPod/phone loudly enough for others to hear — barely — but not blaring. Quietly sing along as others approach and smile at them. If s/he sings along, stop and join in a duet. Or, if the urge hits, dance a little and even spin the other. The point is to spread happiness.

If you are more of an eschewer:

• Work to not get irritated if you encounter an embracer practicing the above (or similar) activities. Be zen. Let them do what they do. If you come upon someone like this, don’t glare or bark, just nod and keep going.
•  Don’t feel you have to join in with others if you don’t want to. There’s no law that says celebrating Valentine’s Day is mandatory. Just don’t rain on others’ parades.
• Listen to some of Adele’s songs that remind you that many love stories end up in heartbreak. You don’t have to share this world view with romantics, but you’ll remind yourself that you’re not ready to have a sweetie right now.

What do you do for Valentine’s Day when you’re in between sweeties?

(For other ideas, see Ideas for Women Who Are Sweetie-less for Valentine’s Day.)
____________________
Are you ready for a sweetie? To help you decide, get your copy of the newly released second edition of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

Long-time reader Richard sent me an email posing some interesting issues about how men and women see and need love and respect differently. Here’s part of our exchange.

Richard: “Society has been focusing on “love” (which is great for women), but men have a basic need for “respect”.

“Guys know that they have to show love to successfully court a woman. Do women realize how to successfully court a man? The man needs the praises (respect) of the woman to build him up so that he can be all that he can be. Men give love to the woman, and the quid pro quo is that the woman gives respect back to the man.”

DG: “I struggled with this in my marriage. I gave my now-ex lots of acknowledgement and kudos. However, he also did lots of things I didn’t respect, but I kept my mouth shut. In our final counseling session he said I didn’t respect him. I told him there were lots of things I respected about him but a few I didn’t.

“So what does a woman do when she truthfully doesn’t respect everything her man does?”

Richard: “Love is natural to a woman [but not to a man]. Respect is not natural for the woman….

“While the woman may not respect everything her man does, she is still to treat him with respect. Just like she may not be totally lovable, but he is still to treat her with unconditional love.

“When things are working, her respect of him causes him to love her more. His love for her causes her to respect him more. Similarly, if she is disrespectful to him, he may withdraw and be unloving to her. His unloving of her causes her to be more disrespectful of him. Break the negative cycle, and the relationship can be restored. The more difficult problem is when one person is being loving/respectful, and the other is not.”

DG: “I can’t respect someone who continually acts in ways that don’t garner respect. If they are lazy, self-absorbed, unconscious or uncaring about how their behaviors negatively affect me and others, I don’t respect those acts. It doesn’t mean I will treat the person disrespectfully, but it means I won’t respect them.”

I have more questions than answers. I’m thinking that, for me, respect and love are intertwined — at least for a mate. It’s hard for me to love and want to be with someone I don’t respect.

Readers, what’s your take on love vs respect?

(P.S.: I’ve edited Richard’s comments for brevity so don’t take him to task if I’ve misrepresented his comments.)

_________________

If you want to understand more issues that may create conflicts, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

I strongly believe if you know you’ve done something to cause another inconvenience or pain, you should acknowledge that with an apology.

What if there are too many apologies from someone you’re going out with? Or too few?

When I was married, I noticed my ex nearly never (I’d say never but there were probably a few in the 20 years) said “I’m sorry.” Yet he was continually inconveniencing me (he was awfully self-focused). His common response when I pointed out he did something that affected me negatively was “Oops.” When he frequently forgot to do something he’d promised, he’d say, “Oops. You know I have a bad memory.” Thus acknowledging he’d screwed up, but taking no responsibility for how his screw up caused me extra work or angst.

Only deep into our second decade did I realize his “Oops” didn’t equate to an apology.

The other end of the spectrum is equally troubling. If a man is constantly apologizing, he’s behaving in ways that have a negative impact on you, yet doesn’t think of this until after he’s done it. In other words, he doesn’t think through his actions and their affect on you or others. He thinks he can do whatever strikes him in the moment and get off the hook later by apologizing.

Neither spawns a healthy relationship. If he is constantly apologizing to you, he is not thinking clearly about the consequences of his actions on others. Or if he is disappointing only you and no one else seems to mind, then you aren’t on the same page about values and commitments.

If he doesn’t think the negative affect of his behavior on you deserves an apology, then he is insensitive, immature and self-absorbed.

So while one would think an apology is a good thing, too much of a “good” thing can be bad if the core behavior causing the frequent apologies doesn’t change.

What’s your experience with too few or too many apologies in a relationship?
_____________

Want to learn other behaviors to notice while dating to decide if he’s a keeper or not? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

(Readers: Ghirardelli asked me to write about my take on delicious dating and integrate a few of their products — which I do love. But full disclosure — they did send me samples. I thought you’d like this.)

The prospect of dating after 40 can strike horror in the hearts of many women. Even though some look, feel and are better than when dating in their twenties, many don’t feel they look their best. They know true beauty is what’s inside, but they don’t feel they are given a chance when the media –and many midlife men — idolizes hard bodies and youthful faces.

So how do you make dating delicious?

Delectability is as much about your attitude as it is about appearance. A tasty date can be at a high-end restaurant, but it could also be a walk in a park. Scrumptious dating is more about how you feel about yourself and the person you’re with than what you’re doing or eating.

Yes, it helps if the activity is something fun or interesting. But if you have a curious, positive attitude, almost any outing can be interesting. I’ve had fabulous dates without venturing beyond my neighborhood coffee house.

Yummy dating starts from within. I’m not saying a date with someone odious, rude and disrespectful can be tasty. But I once turned a date with someone who was insulting and uncivil into an analysis of abhorrent behavior. I then wrote about it in “Lessons from a bad date.”

No matter what the outcome of a date, it’s no reason to ruin your day. If it was a good date, I like to celebrate with a square of premium chocolate, like Ghirardelli’s Gourmet Milk Coconut Rendezvous. And if it wasn’t a great date, it’s a perfect reason to have some Gourmet Milk Sea Salt Escape™. I can’t think of any dating experience where chocolate doesn’t make it more delicious.

———————————–

If you date like a box of chocolate, you’ll want to understand how to ethically see several men at once. So get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Is seems universal that people find confidence attractive. But at what point does self-assurance cross the line to arrogance and thus become unattractive?

This week I was contacted by a self-described alpha male. These men are typically proud to be dominant, “my way or the highway” kind of guys. They consider compromise wimpy. They often rise to the top of their profession, sometimes by bullying, intimidation and manipulation.

Curious, I responded to his email, asking about his statement, “I will be a *Best Selling* Author (shortly)” (sic — emphasis his). He has no agent, no publisher and has barely started the book. Having 25 published books of my own, two of which have sold over 200,000 copies, I know what it takes to become a bestseller. It is not something one can proclaim before it is even published.

Since he doesn’t know the rules of capitalization, I wonder if he knows how to spell “hubris.”

When I questioned him about his lack of personal photos, only pics of his home and cars, he pointed me to his profile, which says, “I would hope that a woman (any woman) would pay attention to what I ‘wrote’ in my profile, more so than just judge by looking at pictures.

“I think it is completely ‘subjective’ when someone looks a picture and is either delighted, suspect, or intimidated by what they ‘see’. I am not one of those. I take into account every aspect of another persons (sic) personality, character, ambition, or self-esteem to the absolute disregard for their material posessions (sic); which can neither keep me, control me, or maintain me.”

So, this overly confident man doesn’t have a clue of the importance of seeing how one projects oneself to the world through appearance. He purportedly takes into account *every* other aspect of another. Right. How could one possibly get that from a few pics? Impossible.

People’s words — whether written or spoken — can speak volumes about their values, priorities, and character. Of course people can — and do — lie. But if they are sharing their truth — as I believe this pompous man is — they will reveal as much as you need to know.

Have you encountered alpha males in your dating adventures? How did you deal with them?

_______________

Want to understand more about midlife men? Get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors 

For decades men have been disparagingly referred to as frogs. The opposite of a prince.

But what if you are being frog-like? Not in behavior, but in voice.

As in croaky.

The result of a cold.

This week I find myself in this situation with two new men wanting to call and get to know me. The problem is my voice sounds like a man. A nasally man.

Not a great first impression.

The sound of one’s voice can be powerfully enticing. I’m a sucker for a deep-voiced man, as are many women. And I’m told my voice is alluring — normally.

Not so much this week.

I’ve been getting by with acknowledging their sweet, concerned voice mails with wittily worded emails. However, I know I can’t keep them at bay forever. I’m going to have to hop in and actually croak on the phone.

I’ll do my best not to ribbit. Or worse, to bray like the cacophony of bullfrogs I heard after a thunderstorm in Brunei. I’d never heard flogs bleat that loudly. They were calling for a lover — any lover. I must not bray for an indiscriminate roll in the hay. However, I was told the deep-throated bullfrogs had bigger harems, so there must be something to that.

___________________________

Find out other situations you may encounter as you begin dating again. Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“A Tootsie-pop? Really?” you say.

You know, the kids’ treat.

“How can I, an accomplished, midlife woman, be like a Tootsie-pop?” you ask.

Good question. Let me explain.

In a conversation with a pal who’d like to be a suitor, he was explaining my appeal. “You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”

“Like a Tootsie-pop!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

It got me thinking about how many other women are Tootsie-pop-like. We have developed a demeanor that shows we are not to be toyed with. Yet inside, we are vulnerable, soft and tender. Many men are intimidated by the exterior, so few get to see our gooey insides.

We know men find confidence attractive, but so is softness. So how do we balance the two? How do we allow the gooeyness to ooze through the hard shell so they will see we aren’t impenetrable?

I think the answer is the same as with the Tootsie-pop. The outer shell is only pierced after some time and attention. It’s not like a boxed chocolate piece — the inside easily accessed. No. With a Tootsie-pop, one must make a commitment to getting to the inside. It takes time. Biting through the exterior is not easy. You have to coax out the yummy center through prolonged contact.

And so it is with us Tootsie-pop gals. In order to access our soft, delicious center, a man has to commit some time to us and give us the attention we deserve.

Are you a Tootsie-pop woman? If so, why?

______________________

In what other ways are you delicious? Download your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

Resolutions are not just declarations of what you wish you could accomplish. They are firm decisions, according to the dictionary. So as we enter 2012, what commitments, pledges and promises do you make to yourself about your dating activities?

Here are mine to get you started:

* Keep hope alive. It’s easy to get disappointed and depressed when you think you’ve found your special someone, then to have it fall apart. Or to find the singles interested in you aren’t the least bit interesting to you, and those you find intriguing don’t feel similarly.

* Be flexible. Knowing which characteristics (e.g., values) aren’t negotiable and which ones are (e.g., profession, income).

* Find a balance between continuing the quest and knowing when to give it a short rest. It’s important to not give up on finding love, but also knowing when you’re getting discouraged to taking a break.

* Continue to work on being the best me and being attractive to the type of men I want to attract. For me, that means reinvigorating my resolve to eat healthily and exercise more frequently.

* Look for the sparks of goodness in your date. Some people make that difficult, but take on the task as a game! It doesn’t mean you have to have a second date, but practice giving the other a bit of grace for the moment, unless the comment or behavior is egregious.

* Keep a sense of humor — even when you’re rejected. It’s easy to take rejection personally, but instead adopt a “oh well” attitude and move on. Resist the temptation to label him “loser” — instead chock it up to “we’re not a match.”

Share with us your dating resolutions for 2012.

__________________

Want to see how you can have courage reentering the dating scene? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

The holidays can feel lonely if you don’t have someone with whom to enjoy the season. No matter what you celebrate — or maybe you don’t celebrate anything — December is filled with reminders to be with loved ones.

What if you really miss having a special someone? You like to snuggle in front of a present-bedecked tree, but you have no one to snuggle. Or you enjoy lighting a menorah with a sweetie. Or maybe you love sharing holiday light viewing while walking hand in hand.

I have two suggestions for getting you through the holidays.

The first is a bit pedestrian, but I have to remind you. Do the things you love anyway, whether with friends or by yourself. Don’t linger on loneliness — focus on the enjoyment of the activity.

The second is a bit more unusual. Visit a nursing home and bring some of what you love to them. This holiday I’m visiting my aunt who now lives in a nursing home. I’ve been hanging out with her a few hours a day for the last 5 days. I notice there are lots of people who don’t get a lot of attention. When the staff does talk to them, hold their hand or hug them, their eyes shine, a smile crosses their face, they seem more alive.

The home provides daily activities like bingo, and groups come in to carol and offer seasonal entertainment. But I’m sure they are not overloaded with visitors or activities. If you like to carol, why not either join in when caroling groups visit, or put together your own group and offer to visit? Want to have company while menorah lighting? Why not call a local home and see if they are doing it there and can you join in?

While it’s doubtful you could take the residents out to look at colorful lights, you could ask the home if you can bring some to decorate the pubic rooms, or for those would like a string or two in their own rooms?

Or maybe you’d enjoy reading some classic holiday stories to the residents. Even taking a well-trained dog brings joy to those who miss their own pets.

What else can you think of to offer to those who also feel lonely but can’t get out to have their companionship needs met? Share your ideas with us.

_______________
Are you ready to start dating? Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? will help you decide.

You’ve exchanged a few fun, interesting and engaging emails with a new guy from an online site. Maybe you’ve also had a satisfying phone call or two.

He promises to call again in the next few days. He says he likes talking to you and wants to get together.

Then…

… nothing.

No email.

No call.

No invitation for coffee.

You wonder what happened. Was he lying? Already dating someone else? Married?

Perhaps.

More likely he got distracted.

By another woman. A TV show. Work. Life.

Pretty much anything.

In over 5 years of dating, I’ve found men are easily distracted by “shiny objects.” These can be any of the above — or pretty much anything else that takes his focus.

He’s forgotten about you. At least for now.

Was it that he just wasn’t that into you? Perhaps.

More likely, he’s just let other things take his focus.

He may be back to you. In a day. Or a week. Or a month. Or never.

Don’t let it bug you. Just keep going. Don’t wait for his call. Don’t chastise him in an email. It is what it is. You have better things to do than obsess over why he isn’t contacting you. If he calls, fine. You can decide if you want to continue your conversations or not. But don’t ream him out for not calling as he said he would. He doesn’t feel beholden to you now, as he really doesn’t even know you yet.

Let it go. If he does reconnect and this pattern continues, then no need to keep in contact. However, he may be the kind of guy who needs to see you a few times before he decides he’d like to date you, then steps up a bit.

Is it what you’d like? No. But it is what it is. And it’s common in dating. So just accept it and don’t get bitter about it or that anger will leak out to other guys. That’s very unattractive.

Keep dating. Someone will find you are the shiny object that distracts him from other parts of his life.

_________________

Want to know what to expect when dating in midlife? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

Finding and Dating Men Comfortable with a Female Breadwinner

Dec 12m 12:00pm PST/3pm EST, 8pm GMT; 9pm CET
$47/£29

In this frank and lively webinar, two thought leaders will delve straight into the heart of what it means to find and keep love for high-earning professional women.

Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris and the Dating Goddess will share what they’ve learned from research, their clients and their personal experiences.

Relationships in the 21st Century often involve gender role reversals with many women being more educated and earning more than their potential mates.  What are the rewards and challenges that face these couples and what should you be looking for from the first date?

In this webinar, you will learn:

* Where to find men confident enough in his own skin to be proud of your achievements
* If you are well-suited to  be the main earner in a relationship…or if you are more traditional than you think 
* What unique traits makes beta men attractive 
* If you can keep your career and marry an alpha man 
* What signals to notice, even from the first date, that he won’t be threatened with your career
* How to avoid men who want a ‘sugar-mummy’

Register now for this 1-hour webinar or pre-order the recording.

The experts:

• Dr. Doyle-Morris will draw from her experiences coaching senior level working women on career development, and the work she does with audiences from a range of traditionally male-dominated sectors.
• Dating Goddess is a bestselling author of the 15-book Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series. She’s appeared on Oprah, 60 Minutes, the Wall St. Journal, USA Today and international media. She shares her insights, stories and advice from dating 112 men after her 20-year marriage dissolved. http://www.DatingGoddess.com

Register or order the recording

After a long search for your perfect match, you’d welcome help — any help — finding him. You’d do nearly anything to speed up your quest.

Wong Tai Sin

This was my feeling last week when I found myself at Hong Kong’s Wong Tai Sin Temple. It is famed for the many prayers answered: “What you request is what you get” via a practice called kau cim. The temple is named after Wong Tai Sin, believed by some to be a god who walked upon the earth and had amazing power to heal believers.

My Hong Kong friends walked me through the kau cim process. First, I chose and lit 9 incense sticks and stuck them in the sand. Then, I got a bamboo cylinder containing fortune sticks and knelt before the main altar. Making a wish (“Let me find my perfect match soon”), I shook the cylinder full of numbered sticks until one stick fell out. Mine was number 95.

my fortune teller; Mr. Wong stature in upper middle (white)

Needing interpretation, I chose one of the fortune tellers among the many stalls. Telling him my number, he pulled out a playing-card-size paper bearing the same number, on which was printed a story. My friend translated as he spoke.

The essence of the message was that my past was filled with “thin” relationships — not at the depth I longed for. My journey to find my sweetheart had been long and arduous. (It had indeed!) I had a hole in my heart from this lack of fulfilling relationships that needed to be healed before I’d find my true love.

If I made an offering to Wong Tai Sin, “Mr. Wong” as my friend called him, the deity would assist in my healing and subsequent discovery of my soulmate.

How much was the offering? $200 Hong Kong ($25US). I asked my friend if this was a reasonable rate for an offering. She said yes. Not a bad investment, I thought, and paid up.

The soothsayer asked me to write my full name and date of birth on a piece of paper, then lit 3 incense sticks and gave them to me. He instructed me to stand, holding the sticks and bow 3 times toward a statue of Mr. Wong, praying for his help. I then put the sticks in a bowl of sand near the statue.

The fortune teller took my card-sized fortune paper and put it with my name/birthdate paper and said he would burn them. Since my fortune wasn’t positive he didn’t want me to take it with me. But the blessing and burning the paper would remove it from my future.

He made me promise to return with my soon-to-be-found sweetheart to thank Mr. Wong. I promised I would.

I left feeling more hopeful than I have in a while Let’s hope Mr. Wong will help me find Mr. Right.

______________

Do you want ideas on your search for your Mr. Right? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Most of us would be hurt and disappointed if our man cheated with another woman. We would feel betrayed.

But what if the object of our love’s attention wasn’t a woman — but his young grandchild?

We want to be supportive, as children can be magical. A grandparent’s relationship with their grandchild can be hugely important to both. But what if his affection towards his grandchildren overshadows his relationship with you?

When a man shares how important his grandkids are to him, I’m glad he has a good relationship with them. However, I’m a little cautious, as what if I’m not fond of them? What if he wants to spend all his (and much of our) time with them? Sometimes the kids are great; other times they are spoiled and no one sees it but me. That is not fun.

A gal pal shared that her 3-year relationship with a man she adored broke up because he wanted to be with his two small grandkids rather than travel extensively with her, as they’d done the last few years. She can’t be mad at him — of course his wanting to be with them at a tender age is understandable. But being childfree, she can only empathize intellectually. She’s fond of the kids, but doesn’t want to be with them 24/7 as he does.

She’s sad. Very sad. She still loves him, and he loves her, but they don’t now see a way around his wanting to see his little grands every day and her wanting to take extensive trips. Skype video chats between him and the kids doesn’t really do it, nor does it work well between him and her.

They are pulled in different life directions because of different priorities. Saying goodbye to the relationship they had is hard, even though they know they will still be connected, it won’t be the same.

Have you ever ended a relationship because of shifted life priorities? How did you make it as least painful as possible?

______________

Want to read how to end things maturely and with care? Download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

This week I’m off to Bali, then Singapore and Hong Kong. As usual when I travel, I will post anything I observe that relates to dating, but will also post observations I think might interest you.

Also, I’ve been invited to share my ideas with the UK’s leading expert on female breadwinners, Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris, in the webinar, “Finding and Dating Men Comfortable with a Female Breadwinner.” It should be a lively discussion!

Details

Dec. 12
12:00pm PST/3pm EST, 8pm GMT; 9pm CET
(If you can’t make it, you can watch the recording afterwards)
$47/£29

You can tell a lot about someone’s mindset by his word choice. How does he express his thoughts? By conscious, considerate language? Or disrespectful speech?

Perhaps I’m being nitpicky, but I believe how someone expresses him/herself reflects their attitudes toward others. I’m sensitive to whether someone invites or requests me to do something or commands (demands?) it from me.

In my exercise class, we have a routine to a song where the singer says, “Slide on over here, baby” entreating the woman to slide over on the couch to be next to him. Whenever I hear that, I think, “Why doesn’t he slide himself over to her?” He doesn’t say, “Would you slide on over here” or “Please slide on over here” or “I’d love to have you here next to me” — it’s a command, not a request. (Of course, part of the communication is via voice tone.)

I understand that in many people’s mind this could be considered a request. She wouldn’t slide over if she didn’t want to. He’s testing to see if she wants to cuddle up next to him, rather than him aggressively plunking himself next to her when she may not want that.

Let’s imagine that “Slide on over here, baby” is how the singer would phrase it in real life, without having to worry about song structure. If a man uses commands for requests, he’s seeing if he can get you to do what he wants without asking or inviting. If you do, he knows he has the upper hand.

Some men consider requests to be unmasculine. Asking seems so, well, wimpy. Couching an invitation in a command is much more manly, he thinks.

And some women like a man who “takes control.” They have a sub/dom relationship, even if it is non-aggressive. The women actually like a man who tells them what to do, and there are plenty of men who want a woman who will do what he tells her.

I’m not one of them. I bristle when a man tells makes too many commands when a request would be welcomed. I can tolerate an occasional one when it is for my safety or well being, but a regular diet of commands is off-putting.

Where are you on the command/request scale? Does it bother you or do you not mind? Are you more of a “teller” or “asking” when requesting behavior from another?

___________________

What else should you look for in your special guy? Read more in In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Right or wrong, a popular belief about sharks is that they are always hungry; always on the hunt.

I’ve come across men who seem to have a similar unquenchable appetite — for sex.

They are always on the hunt for new sexual prey, but not to the point of being sexual predators. They seek consenting partners, not those taken by force.

How do they hunt? Often times online. They pose as nice guys, sometimes borrowing pictures from others, or posting their own decades-old ones. They sweet talk each unsuspecting woman to persuade her that he’s a great guy. He romances her quickly, saying all the things she’s yearned to hear. And he beds her.

Then he’s gone. He’s on the hunt for his next conquest.

These men could be married, living with someone, or have a girlfriend, who, of course, is unsuspecting. She believes he is working late or out with the guys. Little does she know he’s prowling online sites or bars for his next target.

I dated a man for five months who I later learned fell into the sex shark category. When I told him after the third date that I wasn’t ready to get intimate yet, he said he had other ways to get his needs met — I only later figured out he meant other women.

One time he was away for weeks for a family emergency, and when he returned he said he needed to clear his head by taking a solitary motorcycle trip — without seeing me before he left. Later I learned a former lover had been sending him naked pictures of herself while he was with his family, and she’d enticed him to visit her.

Another potential suitor shared that he could have sex with a different woman each night of the week, and he was enjoying it! He had no interest in being monogamous and enjoyed the hunt and conquest.

Other men actively pursued me who I later learned were married. When the cat was out of the bag, I asked why they were looking to cheat on their wives. “Sex” was the common response.

How do you know if you’re with a sex shark? I think it’s how you’d look for signs of any cheating. The challenge is if he’s slick, it may take you months or years to find out. Which is why you want to take it slow if sexual exclusivity is important to you.

Have you been with someone you learned was a sex shark? If so, what happened?
______________

Want to know other ways to determine if a guy is a keeper? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

At a recent closing conference luncheon, the next host country, China, provided beautiful scrolls with a different saying on each. There was no notation on the beautiful red box which saying was inside.

Several at my table unfurled theirs to have our Chinese table host read the calligraphy. “Happiness” read a few. “Long life” said the others, including mine. Thinking for a moment, I decided I didn’t want long life unless happiness accompanied it. I didn’t want to be miserable in old age.

So I unrolled the extra scroll at our table and hopefully held it for our host to read. “Long life” she announced. Drat!

I was determined, so I went to an empty table and began untying scrolls. I’d now learned how to tell the difference between the two messages. One after another read “long life.” I could have stopped, but I was searching for happiness!

I carefully retied each scroll as I continued my search. After a dozen or so, finally, happiness was found!
How does this apply to dating — and life?

I was clear on what I wanted and unwilling to compromise. I could have just walked away with long life and taken a philosophical stance that one makes one’s own happiness, no matter what. Sure. Sounds good.

But since I knew I wanted happiness and it was out there, I just needed to put a little effort into finding it. With a little diligence, I found it.

In dating, you can settle for less than you really want and convince yourself you will make it work. Or you can say, “I know what I want and am willing to keep searching until I find it.”

I will now hang both scrolls in my home as a reminder that I can have both, with clarity and persistence. And I hope my future partner realizes that I searched hard to find him to enjoy long life and happiness with him.

_____________

Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Various studies have shown that few people see themselves as others see them. We tend to either overrate or underrate our attractiveness compared to others’ collective rating of us.

How is it that you can look in the mirror and say, “Looking good!” and others think you need help. I’ve recently decided our self-view is anything but reliable. A date snapped a pic of me in what I thought was a cute, flattering outfit. The pic he sent me didn’t reflect what I thought was my cuteness. “Maybe it was the angle or lighting,” I told myself. Maybe not.

Recently, I’ve been going through a crisis about my appearance. A few months ago, I had my professional portrait taken at a hefty expense. I liked the pics, as did many colleagues, friends and clients. People commented on how much they liked my hair, which, after decades of struggle, I’ve finally decided I like long and straight, but with a curl on the end. I’ve even had strangers stop me to tell me how beautiful my hair is. “Aha,” I thought, “I finally have a style that works!”

Then a few months ago, a dear friend said, “I’d love to see what they’d do for you on one of those make-over shows.” “What????!!!” I inwardly screamed. “She thinks I need a make over?” She added, “I’d love to see what they’d do with your hair so it is more flattering and less Morticia-like.”

Arrgh!

Then I sent some recent video footage to my video producer. He liked the content, but said, “You need  a new hair style. It looks outdated and matronly.” He even put his wife, a former hair stylist and makeup artist, on the phone to explain to me what she thought was the problem and how it could be fixed.

Arrgh again!

I worked to listen to each of these advisors, as I know they have my best interest at heart. They were not trying to be mean or hurtful. So I listened with that orientation.

The final straw came when I was having my hair and makeup done by a stylist at a talk I was giving. He didn’t know me, but I wanted an unbiased opinion. I told him what my video producer and friend had said, and he agreed that my hair could be more flattering.

While I generally believe in trusting one’s instincts and being true to yourself, sometimes you don’t do yourself any favors by insisting on sticking to something that you like but isn’t serving you well. So while I’ve gotten lots of compliments — something that didn’t happen until recently — I’ve decided to go for a change. I have an appointment with the hair stylist my image consultant recommended. I have my fingers crossed that she’ll do her magic.

The lesson for me is that I don’t think I have a good lens to see myself as others do. And I doubt many of us do.

Have you had trusted friends or advisers give you feedback that is counter to your own perception? If enough of them do, then put your own aside and take theirs. Our lens is skewed.

_________________

Get other ideas on how to make sure you’re putting your best self forward in Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

We all have funny dating stories about our forays into the unpredictable world of dating. Often these are tales of dates gone bad.

What if you had to tell about your dating adventures with the criteria of making them positive and funny!

I gave myself that challenge a few weeks ago when I offered to be the opener for an evening of humor at a private fund raising event. I raised my hand when the organizer announced the event and said if anyone had a few minutes of funny stuff to let him know.

I’ve been wanting to perform at a local comedy club open mic, but the prospect of performing humor in front of strangers was a tad daunting. However, I knew I had some funny pieces so thought I could string together 7 or 8 minutes of funny dating stories. But we know that what we or our friends may laugh at or say is “killer” does not always translate into guffaws from strangers.

Working hard to pull out my best vignettes and funny lines, I crafted my piece. A former stand-up performer helped me with the beginning. A musical director friend helped me ditch parts that were flat.

I invested hours reworking the flow over and over until it seemed to stream well. That isn’t really too much of a concern in comedy as most sets appear to be stream of consciousness.

Limiting the stories to only positive or self-deprecating pieces made the task harder. My focus is to inspire and encourage midlife daters to explore other singles, not to think “all the good ones are taken.”

Rewriting, crafting and rehearsing the piece made me comfortable. Even still, I made crib notes in case I forgot what came next. I even reworked the ending hours before performance time.

Saturday was the event. The preparation paid off, as the audience not only laughed at all the expected places, but some unexpected ones. Now I have the confidence to try it at an open mic in front of — gulp — total strangers!

Who knows, maybe I’ll get a date out of it!
__________________

Want to see how you can have courage reentering the dating scene? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Do you know how to feel sexy?

This seems like an odd question for someone in midlife. But an attractive, midlife woman came up to me after I gave a talk at an executive women’s event where she modeled in the fashion show.

“That was a very cute dress you modeled.” I shared when she came to shake my hand. “Are you going to buy it?”

“No, no. It’s not really me,” she responded.

“It was sexy on you showing your cute figure.”

“I just can’t see wearing it anywhere.”

“Really? Not on a date night with a special someone?”

“Funny you say that. I’m 47 and have been divorced for a few years and my 20-year-old daughter says I should start dating.”

“Do you feel ready?”

“I want to have someone special in my life, but I’m not sure I know how to be sexy. You see, I’m a financial analyst and sit with a bunch of nerdy guys all day. I’d never wear anything form-fitting to work.”

“It’s probably not appropriate to do so at work. But after work, get your bad self on!”

“I don’t really know how to do that.”

“If you bought that dress — and I have no relationship with those selling it — I bet you’d find a place to wear it. Maybe out for drinks with gal pals at first. Then when you start dating, it would be perfect for dinner with a great guy. But if you don’t have anything fun and flirty in your closet, it will be hard to get used to wearing something that shows off your assets.”

“I don’t mind showing my legs. But not my arms.”

“You’ve got great legs. And that dress was short enough to showcase them while still being age-appropriate. You don’t have to have bare arms if you don’t want to.”

“It’s a bit of a stretch to wear something sexy.”

“Stretching is good. It can’t be too much or you’ll never wear the dress. But a little stretching is a great way to grow.”

“Thanks. I think I’ll get the dress and find a place to wear it.”

“You go girl! Get your bad self on!”

What do you know you could do to stretch yourself to be and feel a bit sexier? Tell us your stretch goal.
______________________

Not sure how to best spotlight your best attributes? Get Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Saturday night’s interview with KGO radio’s outspoken Karel was fun. We talked about issues like Karel’s Third Date Rule, which is his opinion that you need to sleep with a suitor by the third date in order to see if you’re sexually compatible and should continue seeing each other or not.

Since Karel’s husband died 10 years ago, he wanted my opinion on if widows and widowers are less likely to want to date again if they had a wonderful relationship cut short.

We also discussed online dating, rejection and whatever other topics crossed Karel’s mind. Listen to the recording.

Tune in Sat., Sept. 17 at 9:07 p.m. PST to hear me interviewed by Karel on KGO radio. Should be fun!

I believe that part of being successful in midlife dating is stretching one’s comfort zone. By doing activities you normally wouldn’t do, you gain more confidence and explore if you’d like to do that activity again.

This is the attitude that drew me to participate in a flash mob dance. My Jazzercise instructor was joining with another instructor who had planned to do a routine in the middle of a popular shopping mall. If we wanted to participate, his email said, he’d teach us the moves in the Sat. morning class before the flash mob two hours later.

I made sure I made it to class to learn the routine. It was to Lady Gaga’s “I was born this way.” Although the steps were pretty pedestrian, there were a few tricky spots so I appreciated that he went through it a few times.

Arriving early, I saw a few classmates and wasn’t sure if I should say hello. Part of the intrigue of a flash mob is the seeming spontaneity of it. But I approached a pair and introduced myself. Soon our instructor arrived and the organizer.

We waited impatiently for the other instructor to start the music. She eventually did, starting the boom box hidden in a baby carriage.

The 4-minute routine went by quickly. I was conscious when I screwed up as there were lots of cameras capturing our antics.

All in all, I’m glad I did it. It got me to push my limits and self-consciousness of dancing in public.

What can you do in the next week to expand your limits? It may help you in your dating life as well.

While most women appreciate attention and a man expressing his interest, sometimes there can be too much too soon. Then it feels smothering or borderline stalking.

This week a new man contacted me from a dating site. He met the minimum requirements and seemed interesting, although he’s geographically undesirable. But I was intrigued enough to respond.

Quickly he sent me a long missive detailing more of his life than I really needed or cared to know at this point. He asked questions, some of which I choose not to answer because it would have taken too long to type. He offered his phone number and said he’d gladly call me if I preferred.

The next day I responded with my number, telling him I was traveling and would be available after 8 p.m. the next day. So imagine my surprise when he called the same day during a layover between flights. I had things to do during this time, so I was a little annoyed he didn’t wait until I’d said I’d be available, nor did he ask if this was a good time to chat.

I was polite, but quickly excused myself telling him I had to get some things done in the terminal before my next flight.

He gave me the link to his Internet sports radio show and asked me to listen to a few of the previous shows. I listened to one, and was put off by his profanity and anger-laced commentary.

When I got home, I was exhausted and went to bed. He called and woke me up. I let it go to voice mail. When I listened to it the next day, he said he’d hoped I’d gotten home safely.

When I checked my email, there was a press release from him ranting about some current sports issue. I skimmed the release and saw it had the same angry tone as his radio show. While I appreciate passion for one’s work, when that crosses the line into anger, it’s unappealing.

This man seems needy and desperate. I’m not interested in getting involved with someone with anger issues and no healthy sense of appropriateness or boundaries. This one will have to shower his attention on someone with more patience or interest.

Have you had someone put a full-court press on you? How did you let him know it was too much too fast?

________________

Download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A good pal was telling me about a middle-aged, tall, athletic, single lawyer friend of his. I said, “He sounds like someone I’d like.”

My friend responded, “I don’t think it would be a good match. He likes to wear the pants in the relationship.”

I was taken aback.

Responding as non-defensively as I could muster, I said, “I like a man to wear the pants, too. I’m not interested in a subordinate or timid man. I want an equal partner, not someone who dominates nor subordinates himself.”

I wondered if this was a common assumption strong women face. Their friends think because they are assertive, accomplished and ambitious, she wants to dominate the relationship. I know some women do. But not all.

No wonder it can be difficult for powerful women to be set up by their friends. If their pals think they only want submissive men and the friends only know powerful men, they won’t think the two could be a match. How sad.

I know I assume that my friends know me well enough to know I don’t have to always be the alpha. But clearly that isn’t the case. So what’s a formidable gal to do?

It seems a frank conversation is called for, explaining to one’s friends what you are looking for. Not only the superficial trappings (has a job, good dresser, well groomed, smart, mannerly, at least 6′ tall), but the personality traits as well. It’s always good to describe the values you want to share, although friends may have no idea if someone is a cheater, closet alcoholic, or privately verbally abusive.

Have you experienced your friends assuming you’d like — or not like — a certain type of man and they are wrong? How’d you set them straight?

__________________

Want to be clear on what you want in your next partner? Download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Bev asks:

“How does a woman over 50 whose divorce settlement made her a millionaire + handle dating when most men will not have anywhere near her net worth?”

First, since divorces can be devastating financially for both parties, it’s great you came out with a nice sum.

And it’s true that many people experienced financial setbacks following divorce, the recent down economy also created serious financial problems for even previously successful folks. So while not every potential suitor may have experienced financial losses, many will have.

So my first suggestion is to ward off opportunists by not letting on at all about your financial situation for many, many months into dating someone exclusively. While there are many, many good, honest, upstanding men in the dating pool, I’ve heard enough stories of scam artists to be cautious.

Take some extra precautions, like not wearing flashy jewelry, nor talking about expensive vacations or your high-end neighborhood. Look objectively at items or conversational topics that you think are common among your friends that would telegraph wealth. Then eliminate those from your first handful of dates with a man. Switch from your Coach purse to an off brand. Instead of St. John knits, wear something more pedestrian.

A well-off friend purposefully drives his Echo instead of his convertible Mercedes for the first few dates with a woman. If she comments on his crummy car he stops seeing her. He says he’s found that his Mercedes attracts more gold diggers and he just doesn’t want to waste his time.

You want a man who will fall for you, not your nest egg.

If it doesn’t appear he has the resources to treat for dinners and experiences you enjoy, after some months you can offer to have him as your guest. But not at first. Let him pick the restaurant that is comfortable for his budget. You can have a lot of fun doing low-cost activities.

You have to decide at some point if you’d be happy with someone who can’t afford the same lifestyle as you can, or if you’d be okay with paying his part to join you. Generally, mentally healthy men like to be able to provide or at least carry their own weight financially. It will usually gnaw on a man when he is continually financially unable to keep up with his woman and it can destroy the relationship.

Readers, what advice would you give Bev?

________________

What to know more about what to consider when beginning to date again? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

My mother would refer to a single, traveling ladies’ man as someone who “had a girl in every port.” Just like many of the sailors she knew as a young woman.

Now, as a traveling woman yet to find a local man I want to date regularly, I’m finding I have gentlemen in various parts of the country. I saw a favorite for a drink in his local airport hotel bar during a 2-hour layover yesterday.

Another picked me up from his nearby airport, took me for a drink and delivered me to my hotel. One took me to dinner and dancing near his home base. Another fetched me from an out-of-town client engagement and drove me to my friend’s home 5 hours away. We had a fun time during the journey getting to know each other better than we had on the phone.

While I’m not an advocate of getting in the car of a man I haven’t met, I’d been talking to each of these guys for a while. So even though I yearn for a local man to enjoy local events, if a geographically undesirable man is interesting enough, I’ll accept his invitation to get together if I know I’ll be in his area.

I’m careful to set boundaries and not lead him to think that I’m looking for a 1-night stand, nor is our distance-challenged situation optimal. I’ve tried long-distance relationships and I find that visiting each other every few weeks just doesn’t let us get to know each other in the way I want.

Am I as guilty of being a “player” like the sailors my mother referenced? Since I’m honest and transparent, I don’t feel I’m being duplicitous. If we both enjoy each other’s company and don’t try to take advantage of the other, then there’s no harm. Hurt happens when one begins to have more feelings than the other, but that can happen in any relationship, whether local or not.

Have you tried meeting singles out of your area? Tell us any lessons you learned.

________________

Want to know how to ethically date several people at once? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

At my professional association conference last week I got a lot of attention. I was very visible in a number of sessions, so had a lot of people acknowledge my contributions. In one session, I made a joke about looking for dance partners for the gala.

About a dozen men came up to me afterward saying they wanted a slot on my dance card. I smiled and agreed.

I moseyed into the ballroom after the DJ began and looked for my pre-determined dance partners. One grabbed me and escorted me to the floor. We had a fun couple of dances. I noticed others stationed near the floor’s edge.

Another spun me for a few songs. Turns out — unbeknownst to me — that he’d been on his country’s Dancing with the Stars! No wonder he was a good dancer!

But that was it. Many of the others who had requested dances didn’t make it into the ballroom — obviously something else distracted them. But I’m curious about those who were close enough to the dance floor to see that I was available. Were they just being nice to ask beforehand for a dance?

It makes me ponder — once again — about curious male behavior. I know women tend to over think things like this, but it’s indicative of so much about dating. Men show interest then don’t follow through.

Conceivably these guys got involved with others with whom they were chatting, or maybe they thought I was otherwise engaged with those who’d taken me to the dance floor. Or maybe they didn’t like the way I danced! Who knows?

Of course, I could have reminded them they were on my dance card, but that felt a bit desperate. If I was really hankering for a dance, I could have done that. But I don’t  relish hunting down men who’ve shown interest but don’t deliver.

I wanted to share this story for other women who end up scratching their heads wondering why men show interest, then disappear. Bottom line: Don’t take it personally. They got distracted by something and so don’t wait for them to come around. Just keep dancing.

_________________

Want examples of other head-scratching behaviors? Get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Karen writes: “I am afraid I am too assertive. I start taking the lead when the man won’t or doesn’t. I see simple solutions (where and when to meet) and make suggestions. Is this really a bad thing?”

DG responds: If you are a dominatrix, you have stuck gold by finding many submissive men!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s what your into. I have now learned that “goddess” is a very popular term in the dom/sub world — but unfortunately that’s not what floats my boat. But I’ve had many, many men assume this is the case and have eagerly sought me out — but not too eagerly as that would mean they weren’t a sub!

But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want. I have experienced your situation as well. If you want an assertive man, not a passive one, then yes, your initiating will be a problem. I found in my marriage I did 95% of the initiating of anything and it got tiresome.

So now in dating, when a man flirts, he has to initiate: “Shall we get together.” To which I’ve learned to respond, “I’d like that very much.” If he does nothing from that, I know he’s not that interested. If he says, “Great. Shall we have lunch or coffee?” I say, “I’d prefer coffee.” He has to suggest dates, times, places. I don’t want to sound evasive — in fact I want to sound encouraging! If I have to initiate closing the deal, I know he’s not very demonstrative (and I need a strong man or I’ll run all over him and be frustrated) and I let him go.

Karen: Do I offer to pay/split or not?

DG: Generally, men like to show they are a good provider, especially midlife men, and they will want to pick up the check, sometimes even if they have no interest in seeing you again.

This is one of the reasons I agree to only coffee for the first date. If we are ordering at the same time (meaning he didn’t get there first and order his while waiting for me), I always reach for my wallet. Ninety-five percent of the time, the man will say, “I’ve got this,” to which I smile and say, “Thank you.” If he’s already ordered, he will typically say, “What can I get you?” He’s being the host.

If we’d hit it off really well on the phone and I’m seduced into lunch with him for the first encounter (NEVER DINNER!!!), when the check comes, I again reach for my wallet. I’ll usually say, “How would you like to handle this?” Nearly all the time he’ll say, “I’ve got it.” If he says, “Let’s split it” it means he isn’t attracted to you. No problem. Pay up and be on your way. Don’t look for a kiss goodbye!

I’ve learned men like — really like — that you offered, but didn’t insist on splitting it. They feel emasculated if you insist when they’ve offered to treat. They get a little thrill out of treating; it makes them feel more manly. Don’t steal that from them by insisting on splitting the check.

After you’ve gone out a few times, then you can offer to take him to your favorite place, cook for him, pack a picnic, etc.

(Warning: I’ve learned many men interpret an invitation to your house as really an invitation for sex. One man showed up with his shaving kit on our second date when I’d invited him for dinner! If you’re not ready for that to happen, don’t invite him to your house — even for lunch! Or make sure there’s another couple and they agree to not leave until he has. Maybe I’ve just had too many who make this assumption, but now I don’t invite men to my house for a while. And there are definitely no sleep overs until I’ve visited his home at least once.)

Karen: Do I offer to drive to where he is or meet 1/2 way?  I often date outside my small town.

DG: If he’s interested, he’ll offer to make the drive to you. However, he may accept your offer to meet him half way. Don’t offer to drive to his city/town. If he says, “Let me know when you’re in my town” he has no interest in you, unless he has no car.

Men like to take care of women and doing the bulk of the driving is one way of doing that. However, if you’re an hour away he will appreciate your even offering to split the driving chore. On subsequent dates, you may offer to take turns, but let him drive to you (or meet half way) for the first few encounters.

Karen: I really have a problem with not sharing the burden of dating.  I’ll work on it.

When you realize men perceive this as taking something away from them, it gets easier to accept their overtures. They like to “win you over” and woo you. Let them!

Read “Are you open to receiving.”

________________

Want to know more about how midlife men think? Then download your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors. http://www.datinggoddess.com/new-books-by-dating-goddess/embracing-midlife-men-insights-into-curious-behaviors/

When we are younger, with our lives yet to be determined, we can fall in love with someone’s potential, not who they are at the moment. I know I have.

A pal wrote today, “I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a woman, rather than with the woman herself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the woman to ascend to her own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Which makes me wonder: Are we just seeing them as we think they can be? Or are we projecting our desires onto them when they have no inclination to become what we see?

When we see them as “bigger” (more successful, fulfilling a future we see they can have), are we tapping into the best we see for them? This can be empowering (“I believe in you, baby,” “I know you can do it”) or demeaning (“I know you didn’t do your best,” “If you only did what I suggested you’d be more successful”).

But if our beloved doesn’t share our vision for him and has no desire for what we think is possible for him, both become unhappy. You are constantly disappointed by his lack of progress toward what you see as his greatness, and he feels a constant environment of disapproval and failure.

At this point in our lives, most of us have achieved something — yet not all that we imagined for ourselves. So seeing your sweetheart’s potential can be a marvelous gift to someone who may feel they are treading water toward retirement but had hoped to accomplish more. They’ve just become burnt out at how hard it has been to accomplish what they desired. Some people have abandoned their dreams and a cheerleader may be just what they need.

However, if your snookems is content to glide by at their current state and not aspire to more, your prodding him to reach his potential will be irksome.

When starting to date someone, I think it’s important within the first few months to discuss each of your visions for the future as well as dreams. If you are an achiever who believes in constantly improving and striving, you’re probably not going to be happy with someone who sees no need to change the status quo.

It can be sad to realize you see someone’s greater potential and your sweetie doesn’t see himself similarly. But if this is important to you, best to move on as otherwise you’ll be doomed for decades of disappointment.

I guess it shouldn’t be “love is blind” but perhaps “love sees the other as they may never see themselves.”

_____________

Want more information on determining the characteristics you want in a man? Get In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne.

I have two 23-year-old women in my life who are both in bad relationships. This is not only my perspective, but they, themselves, often complain about their partners. Their mothers and sisters agree (the fathers aren’t around).

However, their partners know just what to say/do after a blow up to keep my friends around. Each of the women’s partners are immature, self-absorbed, manipulative, and lazy, leaning on each woman to supplement their meager income. There is some verbal abuse. When between jobs, instead of earnestly looking, they are distracted by video games, TV and goofing off.

And the cycle continues.

Having three decades on them, I can see the signs of a bad relationship not getting better. But whenever someone suggests each woman is being manipulated and can do much better, she gets defensive, standing up for her partner. We are concerned that they may get pregnant or elope which will make thing so much worse.

It made me think that we — you and I — could come up with some sage advice to pass on to our next generation. What lessons would the midlife you pass on to the twentysomething you if you could? What would you tell a much-younger you about critical signs for a good relationship and red flags? Since you are now much savvier, what wisdom would you impart?

__________________

For information on how midlifers can navigate dating relationship storms, download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed

A friend shared that she was too naive after her decades-long marriage ended. She was clueless about not only how to be with men other than her now-ex-husband, but about how she could be harmed while she learned.

Soon after her divorce, she started dating a successful man and they had regular make-out sessions. One day, he said he had a cold sore on his lip. Her mother had always referred to canker sores as cold sores, so she didn’t know the difference or think anything about it.

A few weeks later, she got a cold and was constantly blowing her nose. She felt an odd tingling under her nose which blistered and festered. She’d never had anything like this so had no idea what it was. But she was too busy to go to the doctor, so she covered it the best she could with makeup.

Months later it happened again. It seemed to be related to colds, so she finally asked her doctor. She was horrified to learn it was herpes simplex virus. While the doctor said 50%-80% of adults carry the virus, many never get the sores. So she could have already had the virus in her system — or she could have received it from her then-beau.

I’ve heard many midlife daters say they don’t use condoms because they trust their partner. They don’t insist on an STD test before going condom-free. Some say, “I’m not dating a drug addict.” But today I heard a report that said 25% of those infected with HIV don’t know it.

So am I saying no kissing while dating? Kissing is a fun part of dating. But my friend has now vowed to slow down physical contact that can carry surprises. While you can insist on having STD tests before getting intimate, it would be awkward to ask if your date ever gets cold sores.

If cold sores aren’t part of your history, investigate what to look for in an outbreak in others so you can make sure to not touch the infected area. And the virus can become genital herpes through physical contact, so no matter how tempting, best to lay off any kissing or intimacy while one of you has an outbreak.

_______________

Want to know more about things you may not have known to ask? Download your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed

Deb writes:

“I have had 4 dates with one man and I find him very interesting, funny, smart and a gentleman. How do I tell if he is really interested in me? I have read books and everything says to play a game, acting like you are not interested and he will come after you. I want an honest, open and upfront relationship. Do I tell him that I like him and flat out ask if he feels the same. Or do I go with the game of acting like I am not interested?”

Ah, Deb. The age-old question of, “Do I turn him off if I show I’m interested, or pretend to be aloof and coy in the hopes of enticing him?”

This conundrum has plagued women for decades (nay, centuries?).

First, I’m never for playing games. I, like you, prefer to be straightforward. That said, timing and word choice are everything. If you ask “Are you interested in me long term?” in the first few dates, you’ll sound needy and inappropriate.

I think the key is not what is *said* but what is done. Even if he answered, “Yes, I’m interested in you long term” then did little to show his interest, his actions (or inactions) create confusion and frustration, but really show his interest level. So it’s almost a moot point what you ask or what he says. You look for the actions that show he cares.

Caveat: In “Signs of endearment — or just habits?” I discuss how I misinterpreted what I thought were signs of caring, when really they were just my then-beaus habits around any woman. So actions nor words on their own are beacons into his thoughts and heart.

So my advice is to continue to show interest in him, accept his invitations, smile and laugh, but go slow. Look for the signs that says he’s interested in you beyond a quick fling. His introducing you to his friends and family is a solid sign, but it’s not the only thing to look for.

In other words, don’t broach the “Do you like me?” conversation. Keep it light and fun. When he brings it up, it will be more likely he wants to get more serious.

Readers, what do you think about Deb’s situation?
____________________
Want more info on whether to continue dating someone? Download your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

A recent conversation with a guy pal was startling.

He’s a smart, goal-oriented, ethical, solid-morals, middle-class guy. So I assume he hangs out with other like-minded folks. But apparently not so much.

He shared that every one of his friends has “something on the side.” Meaning whether married or in a relationship, all of them have either a go-to booty call provider or a regular mistress/lover on the side.

I was so dumfounded I didn’t have the presence of mind to probe for more details. So I don’t know if it is true for both men and women, married and those in relationship but not married, only true for long-time relationships, or what.

So we have to make some assumptions until I get more data. We have to assume that, based on his blanket comment, that this is true for both genders, across socio-economic strata for all races in his circle of friends.

Wow.

If his social circle is an indication of much of America, it is depressing. If so, politicians and celebrities aren’t the only ones who take license with the concepts of commitment and fidelity. What is commonly believed to be an affliction of those with power has now filtered down to those with the inclination to cheat, no matter what their social status.

It is not news that people from all parts of society cheat. What was shocking to me is this man’s observation that so many do so. He said all of his friends, not just a few.

What are the implications for us midlife daters?

If we are constantly suspicious, it kills the relationship. But if we’re naive, we can get taken advantage of, as well as possibly be inflicted with deadly diseases.

Does this mean that if you’re becoming serious with someone you should hire an investigator? Some do. Seems a bit overkill unless you have some evidence.

Generally, I suggest people proceed slowly. It helps you note the person’s modus operandi. If after a few weeks, you notice he only pays in cash, only wants to come to your house, whenever you call in the evening, he says he has to call you back, these are some indications there’s another woman involved.

In fact, I suggest you don’t get serious until you’ve been to his house at least a few times. Get a little snoopy. Look in the bathroom cabinets. Are there lady products and he doesn’t share the bath with a daughter? He may shrug them off as leftovers from his last sweetheart. But just notice quantities and if some have been used when you come back.

Am I encouraging you to automatically be suspicious? A little. I’ve been taken in by cheaters and in retrospect, I could have been more astute, thus protecting my heart and my health.

The key, I believe, is to be open but cautious. Don’t accuse him of anything you don’t have solid evidence of. But also don’t believe lame explanations because you are smitten. Protect your heart.

________________

Want more of what to look for? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

Since my divorce, I’ve had a fear of dance classes. Not because I’m concerned about following the steps — I’m reasonably adept at that. But it’s for another reason — something that I think might plague other accomplished women.

It might be something that you struggle with yourself.

I’m concerned that I won’t be able to follow a man’s lead.

For 20 years, I slow-danced with one man — my husband. I knew his moves. He wasn’t a strong leader (in anything, really), but I learned his steps and could follow along quite nicely.

Post divorce, I slow-danced with only a few beaus, and rarely in public. They held me so closely, it was impossible not to sway with them.

But dance class — in the arms of a strange man, doing a dance with specific steps I was supposed to follow. Oy vey! It was so scary, I stayed away from any dancing that would require being in a hold.

This was magnified exponentially when I had the melt down on the dance floor with the astronaut a few months ago. When this man I had just met pulled me close on our first (and only) dance, I froze. I didn’t move when he tried to move me. My statue-like state caused him to count the beat in my ear. I was humiliated.

So a few weeks ago I decided I needed to break through this barrier. I screwed up my courage and attended a salsa dance class, having convinced a gal pal to accompany me for moral support.

The instructor had the women rotate partners, so I danced with 8 men several times. Most of them were weak leads, but I fought the urge to take over. I survived — and even enjoyed it. But how would I be with a man who knew how to lead? Would I be able to follow even when they weren’t leading? Passivity wasn’t a strong suit.

This weekend, I got to experiment again, attending the  second class. This time, there were only 3 students — all women — so we got to take turns dancing with the three instructors.

Commenting on what I thought was a normal hand hold in our first turn together, the primary instructor, Frank, said, “I’d hate to meet you in a back alley — you’re strong.” It didn’t seem like a compliment. In our second turn, I thought I was following nicely when he said “You have to let the man lead. If you don’t, he feels emasculated.” I wasn’t appreciating his editorializing. Just tell me what I need to do to dance well, don’t lecture to me.

It fed into my insecurities about not knowing how to follow. So much so, I checked out the impressions with a younger, strong-leading instructor with whom I’d danced. He said I followed just fine.

What’s your experience with learning to follow? Do you have any issues with it or do you just naturally follow a man’s dance lead? Have you gained any insights if you had to learn this behavior?

————————

Want to  know more about what you’ll encounter when starting to date again? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

He’s got a comb over, beer belly, and has donned a wrinkled shirt. Yet he thinks he’s James Bond. George Clooney. God’s gift to women.

Why?

Because he gets a lot of attention from ladies. Especially over-40 single women.

Why?

Because there are more midlife single women than men over 40. Women in that age group have learned to go after what they want. And they want a man. Even the men described above.

Why?

These women have held out for the man of their dreams and been disappointed that the one(s) they thought was close, turned out to be a cheater, a ne’er-do-well, or emotionally unavailable. So they’ve lowered their expectations. Now they just want a man who will treat them nicely.

Average-looking single men have recounted how women throw themselves at them. The women make overt sexual advances on the first date. The men are inundated with women inviting them over for dinner and a little something-something for dessert. The man feels he’s got mojo oozing out his pores.

Author Bernard Salt calls this “hotness delusion syndrome.” While women can suffer from it as well, it seems particularly pronounced in middle-aged men who’ve stuck their toe — or more — in the dating pool. They feel they are not only in the candy shop, but immersed in a vat of delicious morsels — they can’t wait to try the next one. There’s an unending supply to quench their desires.

So what to do when you encounter one of these delusional ones? Generally, I’d say run in the other direction. It’s unlikely he’s going to be ready for the reality of the work and compromise a real relationship takes. If the relationship takes any tweaking (as relationships do), he’s gone as he can always get someone new in a flash.

However, if you feel you want to stick it out, you’ll have to feed that delusion and reinforce his perceived hotness. If you tell him the truth — that his ear hairs need trimmed, or he needs to lose 30 pounds, or he should buy iron-free shirts — he’ll be dejected and you’ll be rejected.

So if he’s self-aware enough to know that his hotness is unusual and unexpected, he’s a keeper. As long as he doesn’t begin to believe that he should only be dating Jennifer Aniston.
__________________

Want to understand more about midlife men? Download your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors

Salsa — a spicy dip and a spicy dance. My latest experience is with the latter.

Dr. Philling myself, I asked how online dating was working for me. I’ve met some interesting men and gathered a few sweethearts from the experience, but know there are other options. Yet, being situationally introverted, I’m not great about getting myself to in-person singles events.

Like many midlife daters, I want to maximize my ability to meet intriguing singles. So I’ve been pep-talking myself into more in-person activities. Doubting I’ll meet anyone in my 99% all-women Jazzercise classes, I’ve expanded my reach — and my comfort zone.

So this weekend I convinced a gal pal to accompany me to a salsa dance class. Arriving 10 minutes before class time we were surprised we were the only ones there. “Cool,” we muttered to each other, “abundant attention from the male instructor.” Then three men swept in — we were surprised we were now in the minority.

Eventually, there were 8 couples including one other male instructor who patiently muttered the steps as each woman took turns in his arms. The instructor did a great job of having us change partners every few minutes so we got to practice not stepping on each other’s toes with multiple novices.

The instructor, a mid-life, pot-bellied man with a comb over was surprisingly sensual when he got his hips going. If men knew how alluring a good dancer is, I think more would take up ballroom dancing.

Even though I had lessons many years ago, I knew it would be best to start from scratch. So when the instructor asked about our experience, I said to assume I knew nothing. I was then pleased when he singled me out to compliment my turns.

Did I meet anyone I thought I’d want to date? No. But I did feel comfortable in the environment which made me want to return. After a few more lessons, I’d feel comfortable attending one of their salsa dance parties and expanding my social circle.

The experience reminded me of the process of dating. At first it feels awkward and uncomfortable. But with a little guidance and practice, you feel more secure. Within a short amount of time, you’re ready for more and looking forward to new experiences.

What have you tried that is like dating — you’re timid at first but then quickly get comfortable?

______________________

Want more ideas of what to expect as you begin to date again? Get your autographed or electronic copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

It’s a bit awkward when someone you’re newly getting to know invites you to a casual family event and you end up hitting it off with his family much more than you do with him!

This happened to me this weekend. My new activity partner (AP) and I had agreed to see a movie. He called at noon to see if I’d like to have a bite to eat beforehand. “Sure” I responded. Then he added, “We’ll go to my brother’s for a BBQ, then we can go to the movie.”

“Hmmm” I thought. “We’re only activity partners, not really dating, and we’ve only seen each other 3 times before. It’s kinda early to be meeting his family. But what the heck, maybe it’s a party and I’m his plus one.”

It was not a party. It was just the four of us.

I hit it off immediately with his brother and sister-in-law. Especially the brother. He was tall, good looking, smart, funny and closer to my age and temperament than my activity partner. But he was married. How I wished he wasn’t — I’d be flirting up a storm.

His sister-in-law was sweet. But the contrast between the two of them and my AP was jarring. He is a sweet man, but he repeats himself and only talks about what he did on his job — from which he retired 8 years ago.

By the end of the afternoon, I restrained myself from suggesting we all go to a movie together. Asking for a second “date” seemed presumptive. So we’ll see if my AP comes up with this on his own.

Have you experienced liking your date’s friends or family better than him? Tell us your story.
_________________
Are there signs you should move a man into the activity partner or friend zone? Find out in Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Yee-haw!

Country Western dancing. Let’s go!

This was my feeling as I decided to try something new, a bit out of my comfort zone, in my quest to experiment with meeting available men in the “natural” way. Common advice from dating experts is to take a class in something that interests you. So I thought I’d give it a try.

Since I know no Country Western dances, my gal pal — also known as my courage crutch — and I knew we needed to show up for the lessons an hour before the club’s normal hours.

When we arrived, a line-dance lesson was in full swing. We hopped right in. Although the instructor wasn’t as thorough as my Jazzercise instructor, I followed along reasonably well, messing up less and less as the lesson progressed. My gal pal, however, bailed about half way through and sat down.

Our problem began when the next dance was a couples two-step. All those interested in learning gathered on the dance floor. The men picked a partner. Just like in high school, no one picked either of us. Feeling a bit rejected, we sat down rather than two-step alone. We watched in interest as the lesson progressed, sure we could have picked up the reasonably simple steps.

The lesson over, open dancing began. We realized we were like new-born calves in a sea of mature cows and bulls. Nearly all the dancers knew the intricate patterns to the music. We realized we’d look like innocent rodeo lambs released from the gate, with only a few seconds before we were writhing under a cowboy’s powerful ropes, squealing forlornly. We didn’t want feign we knew what we were doing — although admittedly we were used to doing that since we were both consultants.

So we settled for marveling at the smooth, energetic moves of the elderly man twirling several 20-something girls. We were enthralled by the several dozen various-shaped bodies all moving to their own style. And we stealthily hid from any potential partner’s gaze as the single men hunted for available women. We knew we were not ready to be hauled around the dance floor by someone who actually knew what he was doing.

At the band’s first break, we decided it was time for us to head back to our barns. We could be satisfied that we’d tried a new pasture and we’d survived with our dignities in tact.
______________________

If you haven’t already downloaded your free copy of You’ve Got to Kiss a Lot of … Princes!, do so by filling in your email box on the top right of http://www.DatingGoddess.com.

While munching sushi and margaritas, the sweet, 62-year-old widower shared his concern as we discussed dating. His wife of 3 decades had died 18 months ago and he was dipping into the dating pool.

What he found was a lot of aggressive, sexually hungry women. He was dumfounded that they tried to seduce him on the first date. He was not happy about this.

One woman invited him to her house for their first date. When he arrived, she’d laid out various battery-operated toys for him to choose. He was stunned. Not completely understanding what was expected from him, he allowed her to explain each one before he high-tailed it home.

“Is this what women expect now? A roll in the hay on the first date? I haven’t been intimate with a woman in a while. I don’t even know if my equipment still works!”

I felt sorry for the dear man. This was only one of a number of encounters where women tried to seduce him on the first encounter. “I need to feel something for a woman before I jump into bed with her. I’ve never been into casual sex. If this is the expectation, I’m not cut out for this.”

On one hand, I was sad that he had to encounter such uncouth women. On the other hand, I was glad to hear it wasn’t just women who encountered inappropriate, lecherous people in the dating pool.

Also, I thought it was brave of him to show his vulnerability to me exposing his uncertainty about sex. It was a refreshing change from the many men who boasted of their sexual prowess, often even before we met.

I assured him that there are many classy women who also want to wait until they have an emotional connection before getting intimate. I told him he will learn to weed out the inappropriate ones through more probing on the phone so he’ll improve his ratio of appropriate to inappropriate meetings. I shared that I am still not perfect at that vetting, but I am much, much better than in the beginning.

For those who’ve not dated in decades, the modern dating scene can be quite a shock. It is surprising what people tell or ask you, sometimes before you’ve even met. The assumptions and behaviors of some can be abhorrent. You can get scared and angry. Or you can realize that your assumptions that people are thoughtful, classy and appropriate are too generous, based on your own circle of friends.

However, there are good, honest, thoughtful, generous people in the dating pool. We just have to hone our skills to find them.
_________________

Want to know more about what to expect when you enter the world of midlife dating? Get your copy now of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool.

His online profile mentioned that he loved sex, something that is usually a yellow flag as it says the man doesn’t have much of an appropriateness filter. But other things he shared made me give him some slack.

Half an hour into our first phone call, he said he “loved, loved, loved sex.” He suggested our first date be at his house to watch a move and if I wanted, stay over. I said I wasn’t comfortable going to a strange man’s house on the first date. I should have called it quits then, but I’d enjoyed most other aspects of our conversation.

Before we met, during our second call, he mentioned the previous Saturday night he was with a woman he used to date from Match.com. “I ended up staying the night” he shared. He now wanted to get together with me.

It was clear his attitude about sex was different than mine. He obviously felt no need or desire to be exclusive with someone with whom he was having sex, since he was trying to set up a date with me.

He asked if I wanted to get together. While I appreciated his candor, I didn’t want to get involved with someone who I felt I’d be fighting off throughout the evening because he clearly was only interested in one thing. And if we were to start seeing each other, I couldn’t trust that if we became intimate he’d be exclusive.

Is casual sex bad? Not between two people who have the same goals, are open about them and are responsible. But it’s not for me.

So I was grateful he laid out his hand so clearly and so soon. It saved me a lot of time and headache.

Have you gone out with someone who clearly wanted only casual sex when you wanted more? If so, how did you deal with it?
________________

Want to understand more about how different sexual expectations affect dating relationships? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

I was listening to my friend Mike Robbins speak to a group about his newest book on authenticity, Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity. He’d asked the audience a few questions about what value authenticity has in our lives and then he asked why being authentic was so hard.

Several people shared that being authentic meant being vulnerable which wasn’t always optimal, especially in business. There was much agreement that one should be their authentic self, no matter what. Phoniness was not compelling.

I raised my hand and said, “I struggle with strategic phoniness. For example, if I’d shown up for this event without makeup or Spanx, you wouldn’t have wanted to be around me. My authentic self wears neither, but it doesn’t represent the me I want you to know. So when is strategic phoniness acceptable?”

A lively discussion ensued about how looking one’s best wasn’t really phony.

It made me think about dating. We want to put our best selves forward, but where is the line between presenting ourselves in the best possible light and being inauthentic? We think certain elements of our personality are unattractive so we should keep those hidden until we know someone better and feel they won’t reject us for those.

However, a common complaint in dating is that someone didn’t turn out as they represented themselves. He appeared successful, wearing expensive clothes or spending lavishly on dates. Only when you were hooked emotionally to him, did you learn he was deep in debt.

Or he snuggled up next to you during your favorite TV shows or sports, seemingly engaged, but once you are committed (or married!) he shows no interest whatsoever. The new wife of my cousin confided that when they were dating, they would work out together 5 times a week. Now that they are married, she can’t get him to the gym.

Or when dating, they’d have sex regularly. Both seemed to really enjoy it. Now that they are living together, you can count on one hand the number of intimate times they share each month.

So where’s the line between wanting to seem like a good sport and participate in your sweetie’s activities, and when you’re being inauthentic? You fear that if you are truly authentic (“No, I don’t want to hang out with your bratty grandkids this weekend”), you won’t find anyone to date. However, when is “going along” and “being a good sport” turn into pretending something that isn’t true for you?
What’s your take on the distinction between authenticity and strategic phoniness? Have you been disappointed when someone you thought was authentic turned out to be different?

________________
How do you determine if he’s being authentic or a poser? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

“You’ll never meet another guy like me” he said confidently during our first phone call.

I refrained from saying “Duh. Everyone’s unique,” but I decided it would be better to play along. I wanted to see what he thought was unique. “How so?” I asked, curious about what he’d say.

“How many men have you met who retired at 44?” said the 51-year-old, 27-year military veteran.

“A few,” I said truthfully.

“How many men have you met who have no children around, no drama from ex-wives and no money issues?”

“Not many,” I replied, feeling I should throw him a bone.

“I’m healthy, STD-free, and work out regularly. I can do whatever I want when I want.”

“You are a rarity,” I cooed, now clear he was seeking acknowledgement.

But why was he selling himself so hard? We’d already laughed and seemed to be getting along nicely. Did he feel he had to convince me to have coffee with him? I didn’t feel there was a need for a sales job.

I realize I can be intimidating to a lot of men, so I’ve learned to be nice and as gracious as I can. I don’t want to be intimidating, but I find many men are not used to talking to an articulate, focused, present woman. So I try to put them at ease and give them some slack so they don’t have to try to impress me on the first call.

When people try a bit too hard it backfires. They want to impress you, but by trying to do so they actually seem needy and less confident than they are intending.

Does overselling indicate someone is compensating? Often. They don’t realize that others are actually more impressed by how someone treats them and behaves around them than by being told what a terrific person they are.

Have you been on the receiving end of someone trying too hard? How did you handle it? Have you ever found yourself trying a bit too much?

______________

Want information on how to be clear on your own strengths? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

Pin-the-crown-on-the-princess game at Royal Wedding party

I’ve just returned from the royal wedding. Well, not the wedding itself, as my invitation must have gotten lost in the post. However, I let it be known to my British friends that I was available for anyone’s plus one. I would have dashed out and bought a fascinator!

I was in London for a few days right before the wedding but decided not to fight the crowds for a 10-second view of the procession so went to a friend’s house an hour outside London. We watched it on the telly then went to two royal wedding parties.

Bar maids dressed for the Royal Wedding party at local pub

While I watched, I was as entranced along with millions of other viewers. I pondered the allure. Two good-looking, young, rich people were allowing the world to watch one of the most important moments of their lives. The “costumes” of both the wedding party and guests made for entertaining television. The horsemen, guards and carriages were the height of pomp. Everything ran smoothly — nearly perfectly.

Surprisingly, princesses were hard to find

Women (mostly) were enraptured by the whole process. The London papers were filled with front-page detail for the week before and days afterward. What was so beguiling for my ilk — midlife women? And was it good for us single women — or bad?

The wedding symbolized what we long for — a real-life fairy tale (is that an oxymoron?) where love conquers all. A prince falls for a commoner (never mind that this commoner’s family is worth millions). He breaks from long tradition to marry the woman he loves. This gives us hope that we, too, will find an exceptional man who wants to scoop us up.

Kate waited for him to be ready — for eight years. There has been no mention of her wanting to wait as well — only that she waited. This again gives us hope that love may develop over time — that it’s not a whirlwind.

Boy dressed for local Royal Wedding celebration

The bad is that we may hold out for such high criteria that we miss out on the everyday princes (or, I prefer, kings) — ones who treat us like queens, no matter what their economic standing. Some women are insistent that their man be tall, fit, handsome, well-mannered, educated and have all his hair. (Kate, luckily, wasn’t staunch about the latter.) We may insist that he has the ability to lavish us with expensive gifts, and whisk us away to our honeymoon on a helicopter.

So is the royal wedding good or bad for us midlife daters? I think if we are able to keep our expectations in check, it is good. Romance, generally, is.

What’s your opinion on if it is good or bad for us? Why?

___________________

Want more info exploring what kind of prince/king will be right for you? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?.

A few days ago, over a pain au chocolat in Paris, my French friend Benoit shared relationship advice. While it was something I’d heard before, somehow coming from a Frenchman in Paris, delivered in his charming French accent, it had more gravitas.

DG: Benoit, the French have an international reputation for love, romance and sensuality. You’ve been married over two decades. What do you attribute your long-term relationship success to?

Benoit: It ez very zimple. Anyone can understand.

DG: OK. Tell me.

Benoit: You must court your love az long az you are together.

DG: Is that it? Is there more?

Benoit: I tell my wiv I love her every day. I tell her in different wayz.

DG: Like what?

Benoit: One day I tell her she iz beautiful. Another day I tell her I love how she smellz. Another, how sexy she iz. Another, what a good cook she iz. I compliment her on the different thingz I love about her.

DG: Does she do the same?

Benoit: She tellz me in different wayz. I know she lovez me.

DG: And you feel that is the secret to your long-term happiness?

Benoit: Abzolutely! We appreciate each other every day.

So there you have it — straight from a Frenchman’s lips! I agree with him wholeheartedly. Dating and counting never ends. It keeps the allure and passion alive.

Now, if I could just find a charming Frenchman with whom to try out this concept.

_______________

Want more info on how to have a successful long-term relationship? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

I like to flirt. I don’t ever expect anything from it. I’m surprised if there is a benefit beyond just fun.

This week I had an experience that cemented my belief in harmless flirting. Not that I needed any encouragement!
I’m in London this week and my travel pal and I decided to see a play. We were keen on seeing “The Children’s Hour” but were loath to pay full price. The half-off ticket stands didn’t have any tickets for this play since it was wildly popular so the theater didn’t have trouble filling the house.

We traipsed off to the theater’s box office an hour before curtain time. A young man greeted us cheerfully behind the plexiglass so I returned his broad smile.

“Hi. We’re interested in the best seats for the cheapest price for tonight’s performance.”

He playfully responded, “Cheap is in the eye of the beholder. Let me tell you what seats we have available.”

He looked at his list. “Fifty-one pounds for side orchestra. Sixty-five pounds for center balcony.”

I smiled. “My dear, I think we have different definitions of ‘cheap.’ We’d love the center balcony. But sixty-five pounds is too much. Are they really good seats?”

“They’re great seats. I haven’t seen the play, but I hear they have good sight lines.”

“You haven’t seen the play? Really?”

“No, we have to buy tickets, too.”

“Well, that’s not right. You can come with us and sit on our laps.”

He shrieked with delight, nearly falling off his chair laughing.

“Listen, you have absolutely made my day. Is there anyone behind you?” I turned and looked, then shook my head ‘no.’ “I’m going to give you these center balcony seats for 25 lbs. Just don’t tell anyone!”

I promised I wouldn’t. No one at all — except all my blog readers.

So flirting has untold benefits. If it is done appropriately, especially with strangers, both parties will have a fun experience. And you never know what hidden benefits will come of it.

_________________

Want more info on how to be enticing? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I was interviewed on Dr. Duffy Spencer’s “Just Relationships” radio show for two shows. Dr. Duffy is a lively interviewer. Each is 30 minutes.

Listen to Part 1

Listen to Part 2

Do you sometimes feel you’ve explored all the eligible men in your area who meet your criteria? Perhaps you’ve modified your online searches and lowered your requirements and still no one compelling has expressed mutual interest.

You need to try something new. Dramatically different.

For me, I’m trying not only a different route, but a different continent. I’m expanding my sweetheart quest to Europe. I’m working and playing there for the month of April so am changing my online profile to reflect my temporary home cities. We’ll see what happens.

I’m starting in London for a week. We’ll see if I discover anyone interesting while I’m enjoying business and pleasure activities. I’ve already got a tea date set up with a London red bus driver  I “met” online. (For those who know I’m a job snob, this is clearly a lark.)

Traditional wisdom is that long-distance relationships rarely work. But I’m willing to experiment to broaden my adventure.

Stay tuned for dating stories from a broad abroad, or, at the least, a few travelogues.
_____________________

Want more info on how to make your search an adventure? Get your copy In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

We’ve all had it.

None of us likes it.

It stings, although sometimes it’s a relief.

It’s hard to give and to receive.

Rejection.

So I have a tool that will help the next time you are rejected by a potential date.

If it’s by email, simply print out the missive and do what this wise one does. Follow along and do exactly the same.

Feel better?
_____________________

Want ideas for how to respond to rejection and breakups? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

You’ve heard this bromide from people who want to encourage others to be more bold, or to justify their own failed behavior.

So does it hold true in dating?

Yes, it doesn’t hurt to try…

…to ask someone out for coffee who you’ve admired from afar, or even just met.

…to contact someone online who seems interesting.

…to show your interest in someone by asking about their life.

However, it does hurt to try…

…to kiss someone on the first date who hasn’t given you very clear signals they are interested, and/or who you haven’t asked if you could. You could ruin any chance of a second date as you could be seen as overly aggressive and inappropriate.

…to get too physical too soon — a hand on a thigh or too touchy. You could be perceived as disrespectful and crossing the other’s boundaries.

…to continue to pursue someone after they’ve said they aren’t interested. You’ll seem like you’re ignoring their wishes and even stalking.

So while some trying something bold can be positive, other times it can be harmful. When you hear yourself think, “It doesn’t hurt to try,” think through the options to see if it actually might hurt to try. If someone could respond negatively, seek alternatives.
_________________

Want to understand more issues to consider on a first date? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

At the train station in Cheshire, England, officials erected a “No Kissing” sign since traffic stacked up while amorous lovers made out bidding each other good-bye.

It made me wonder about our own personal no-kissing zones. Although many (most?) daters don’t mind some PDA, there are places we’d rather not neck.

For example, after several weeks of intensive calls, an out-of-town suitor decided he just couldn’t wait to show me how glad he was to be with me at last. As we walked to the restaurant down my home town main drag, he backed me up to a building and started necking. While I appreciated his attraction to me, I was dismayed at his choice of spots, as who knew which of my clients might amble by.

I tried to break off to tell him to wait until we were in private, but he scoffed saying, “I don’t care who sees.” Thanks, bub, for caring about my desires!

With other men, I was less concerned with being smooched in public. While I try to balance honoring spontaneity with discretion, if besotted with a man, I didn’t mind long smooches outside a neighborhood haunt, no matter who was around.

In fact, one of my most delicious dates was at the movies with a particularly alluring sweetheart. We chose an early movie with few people in the theater and sat in the very back. We started canoodling, conscious of being as quiet as possible. We did nothing more than kiss. A few rows in front of us sat another middle-aged couple. At the end of the flick, they turned to look at us and seemed shocked we weren’t teenagers.

However, that was in the dark, not broad daylight, and not in a place where others would easily see us.

What are your boundaries around long kisses (not just quick pecks) in public? Does it depend on who you’re with and your feelings toward him? Or the location — neighborhood vs. unfamiliar area? Or the amount of wine you’ve had?

_______________

Want to understand more of what you should know on your way to intimacy? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

We like our friends, in part, because of who we are when we are with them. We feel we can relax and be our best self.

Unlike how we feel when we are around people who we find difficult, obnoxious or off-putting. Part of why we don’t like being around those folks is because we don’t like how we feel around them.

Another way to say this is: around our friends, our true self is called forth. We feel good, comfortable, relaxed.

When we are exploring a new relationship, it’s important to be aware of what part of you is called forth. Do you feel comfortable, safe and relaxed? Do you feel kind, accepting and generous? Or do you get defensive, angry, or competitive?

Most people aren’t conscious of what is being called forth; they just decide they like someone or not. They don’t realize that part of why they like or dislike a person is based on how they feel around them and what part of them is brought out.

I was discussing a mutual colleague with a pal. I said, “I don’t like how I’m triggered to be when I’m around him.” Yes, you can consciously choose how you behave around others. But the people who elicit the strongest negative reactions are those who trigger something deep within us — some old hurt. We find ourselves reacting before giving any thought to the situation.

So when starting to get to know a potential romantic partner, be mindful of what part of you is being called forth. If you feel wonderful and rarely confused or upset, keep seeing him. But if you find yourself regularly feeling defensive, hurt or angry, move on.

However, know that some relationship counselors suggest that if you are able to hang out in the negative emotion, you can work to heal that old hurt so it no longer has any power over you. But this is an advanced skill that is hard to master. I have, on occasion, realized that the negative emotion a beau evoked was an opportunity to look at the underlying old hurt and heal it. By healing it, one is no longer susceptible to the triggers, so isn’t bothered by the behaviors that called forth the disappointment.

After a date, ask yourself, “How did I feel? Was my best self called forth? Was I kind, generous, interested a good listener? Or did I find myself getting irritated with him over little things?” If the later, best to move on, unless there are other overriding characteristics that will make it worth your while to notice and examine the negative triggers.

Have you noticed how you feel after a date and identified what part of you was called forth? What did you notice and what did you do about it?

________________

For more info on what to be aware of when first dating, get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

It was great fun to be interviewed for “Girlfriend We Gotta Talk” radio show which aired Sunday. Download the show to listen to our lively 1/2-hour conversation.

______________________

If you want the real scoop on what it’s like to be dating again after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Midlife singles often tell me that the biggest challenge with dating is getting a date in the first place. That isn’t what I see as the greatest obstacle, as you could easily go out with lots of people if you adjust your criteria.

In my experience, the biggest issue is finding someone interesting and engaging enough to see again (and they feel similarly), then building some traction. About half of the 110 men I’ve gone out with resulted in one-time-only meetings.

By “traction,” I mean what the thesaurus gives us: adhesion — or sticking together. While I accept second and subsequent dates with men whose company I enjoy, it can be difficult getting beyond good conversation to a more romantic connection. There is a delicate balance between moving too quickly and moving so slowly that the relationship transitions to the “friend” category.

So how does one get traction toward building a romantic relationship, not just a friendship? I think mutual flirting helps, if sincere, as it telegraphs that you’re not just looking for an activity partner pal.

The traction needs to build naturally. If you feel you are always the one making contact, or suggesting getting together, or pulling the other in conversation, you are in a rut and there is no traction to get you out. You are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. That isn’t a win/win.

What if you find there is no momentum after a handful of dates? You can continue seeing each other if you like each other, and see if a romantic relationship evolves. I have now-married friends who started out as pals and then they became romantic.

Generally, we expect to feel some spark, some chemistry beyond liking each other. So if you aren’t feeling you’re becoming more connected, then it’s probably best to have the “let’s be friends” conversation. That might inspire him to kick it up a notch and realize he wants more, or he might just agree to be friends.

What have you done if you don’t feel the relationship is moving forward after a handful of dates? Have you stuck with it or relegated the relationship into the friend realm?
________________

Caught not knowing if you should continue or move on? Then get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

(Dear Readers: My fabulous former relationship counselor and friend Sonika Tinker has a teleseminar series and CD set I thought might interest you so I asked her to contribute a posting.)

by Guest Blogger Soniker Tinker, MSW

Many singles are tired of the dating scene and sick of superficial interactions. Most leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever.

Why? The dating scene doesn’t work.

Wayne Dyer said, “We don’t get what we want, we get who we are.”

When singles meet, they don’t really see each other, they talk but don’t feel heard, reach out but don’t feel connected. There is so much judging, assessing, impressing, withholding, deciding, wanting and needing going on that no one is really being with each other and there is little space left for authentic, joyful, intimate relating.

Does this sound familiar? Someone looks at you and you look at them and within two seconds you have already decided whether or not you are going to see each other again. You go through the motions of a flat, dishonest evening anyway, pretending you don’t notice or feel the obvious. It is so uncomfortable that you wonder afterward why the heck you bother venturing out at all – you’d have more fun at home in your bathrobe on the couch watching TV!

There are over 20 reasons why dating doesn’t work. I am listing five of them:

1. Your list of what you want in a partner prevents you from actually “being” with the people you meet, so relationship can’t develop. You have a relationship with your comparative list instead of a person. Besides, checking each other out keeps you in your head and out of your heart where love lives.
2. You are so busy trying to impress each other that authenticity goes out the window. Relationship can’t build when people are hiding, pretending, trying, etc. Relationship flows when people are honest and real.
3. You think who you see on a date is who the other person really is. But it isn’t. (They are in pretense mode too.) So you miss out on who this person could be or might be. People are not rigid and fixed. They are ever changing and evolving and becoming. In fact, you play a huge role in how someone shows up around you.
4. Wanting a relationship prevents you from having one, so unfortunately, the more you long for a relationship, the more relationship can’t show up. Wanting and having can’t exist in the same space. You need to be able to move out of wanting into having in order to manifest a relationship.
5. You don’t intentionally create your dating experience ahead of time. You show up on a date to “see” how you “feel” about this person like a passive observer in a movie. Your date is doing the same thing, so the date drifts, passively along into whatever.

There are many more reasons why dates don’t work. We talk about them on our 2-CD set, “Why Am I Still Single?” If you are committed to breaking free and creating a relationship, you can get our 6-week singles program home-study course.

______________

Email Sonika, call for more info at 530/878-3893, or visit her web site, www.loveworksforyou.com.

Our society drowns us in Valentine’s Day propaganda — cramming down our throats that if we have a sweetie we have to go all out to show our ardor. And by implication, if you don’t have a honey, you are a loser.

You know you’re not a loser. You have been working toward finding a compatible, mutually attractive sweetheart. You’ve been consciously and consistently making yourself the best you can be.

You’ve kept up your beloved-finding activities. Over and over. Like a long march toward an elusive love. You keep at it.

One foot in front of the other.

You keep on trucking.

You plod along.

The search, as with any long trek, is punctuated with highs and lows. Sometimes the path is riddled with obstacles; other times it’s clear and easy. You’re elated to find a fun adventure partner, but then you take different paths. Sometimes that is a blessing; sometimes it’s deflating.

You’re tempted along the way to sit on a rock and just be present to where you’ve come and where you are. The perspective may be a beautiful vista, highlighting how far you’ve progressed. Or it could be depressing to see the distance you’ve trudged and not glimpse the end yet.

But you know to stay stagnant would not garner the future you envision and long for. So you give yourself a pep talk and keep trekking. You remind yourself to enjoy the journey and notice the beauty and uniqueness of everything — and everyone — you encounter, even though it may not look fetching at the time. You remind yourself that all of life has some lesson and ultimate good, if you are willing to look for it.

So you ignore the pressure to take the media’s Valentine’s Day messages to mean you are defective if you don’t have a sweetheart right now. You can use the barrage of candy, flower and jewelry ads to remind yourself that true love begins with your being besotted with yourself. Try wooing yourself during this time of year and do things that rekindle your infatuation with the person who is key to allowing anyone else to adore you — that would be you!

And you keep on your path, with a renewed verve and oozing love from your core. Your ardor for yourself will attract the right partner to dance down the path of life.

_________________

Need help reminding yourself why someone would love you? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Younger men. Sometimes decades younger. Perhaps young enough to be your son.

I’m not usually drawn to them because they are typically even more immature than the fifty-somethings I tend to date. And I abhor the concept of and term “cougar” so would never want to be accused of one.

But every once in a while a younger man comes along who is worth considering. And if there’s mutual attraction, it can be great for your ego — as well as fun!

A few months ago I had a few dates and continue to be contact with one such man. He is more emotionally mature than many of the chronologically mature men with whom I’ve gone out, despite his being 20 years my junior. He’s handsome, interesting, thoughtful, intelligent — and he thinks I’m sexy and, in his words, “gorgeous.” I usually only get that from the near-sighted men closer to my own age.

Yesterday a 40-year-old colleague called and the topic turned to his 63-year-old widowed mother who’d begun dating. He’s been helping her write her online profile and vetting prospective suitors. It got him thinking about if he weren’t happily married. He blurted out, “If I weren’t married, I’d definitely want to date you.” Sweet man. Of course, when one is married, it is very safe to spew such sentiments. Toward the end of the conversation, he said he thought I was “smokin’ hot,” which made this overweight, crow’s feet-festoon 55-year-old feel very nice indeed.

Several friends have long-term marriages with younger men. I could see how it could work if the couples were compatible. After all, in the grand scheme, does age really matter? He could have health challenges before she does. And since women’s life span is longer, she’d be able to have a sweetheart into her elder years.

Most of us don’t like to think long term. We want to enjoy the magic of now and believe we’ll figure out what we need when the time comes. So why not embrace the situation if a there’s a mutual attraction with a younger man and see where it goes?

As long as you both are clear that you want similar things out of life, then an age difference doesn’t really matter. However, my experience is that a man a decade or so younger typically has children at home, or is consumed by his career, or doesn’t really have time or the means to travel or accompany me in the life I’ve created. If so, great. But I’ve found it’s rare.

So should you throw caution to the wind and play with your boy toy? Or is that disrespectful to him, implying that you will discard him when he’s no longer fun to play with? But isn’t that a possibility no matter what his age? And, of course he could jettison you just as easily.

What’s your philosophy about midlife women dating a man over a decade younger? Have you done it? What did you learn?

__________________

Want to explore more about who you want as your next sweetie? Get your copy of  In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

(Dear Readers: I knew my friend and relationship coach Amy Schoen was offering her telecourse this month so asked her to submit an article to let you know.)

by Guest Blogger, Relationship Coach Amy Schoen

The clock struck midnight on New Years Eve and you were with your friends or alone with no one to kiss. You vowed to yourself to have a significant relationship by the summer. How do you plan on making that happen?

Here are my top dating tips and strategies to get love right this year:

1. Carve out time for dating and relationships: Like many professionals, you are stretched by the demands of your work, family, friends and other commitments. However, in order to succeed at love you need to make time for looking to meet someone and then for the relationship once you’ve met the person.
2. Be proactive. There are so many ways to meet people from Internet dating to Meetups to joining a singles group. Try something new. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and you will meet people.
3. Be open to learning how to best be in a relationship. Take a class, read a book, or work with a relationship coach. Give yourself the best chance of making the relationship move forward by learning new skills.
4. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people who encourage you to stick to your dating plan, especially when it gets rough. Consider joining a support group — even a virtual one.
5. Stay positive about yourself and dating. Focus on what you bring to a relationship instead of what your flaws. Nearly everyone has some positive attributes that someone will find attractive.
6. Visualize yourself in a successful, happy relationship so you can see that it is possible for you to have the loving relationship that you deserve.

A new year brings new possibilities. What first step are you going to take?

___________

Amy Schoen, MBA, CPCC is a certified professional life coach that specializes in dating and relationships. If you really ready to focus on getting love right this year, then join her upcoming 10-week “Get Love Right” telecoaching group (www.GetLoveRight.com) starting February 22nd. There are only 6 slots available for this group. The program includes 3 personal coaching sessions and support from like-minded individuals. She also reviews your Internet dating profile (or gets you online). Join before 2/15 and save $200.

Read more of her dating tips from her on her blog: www.motivatedtomarry.com for seriously minded singles. Get started today with your first personal coaching session with Coach Amy!

When your friends are all coupled and rarely want to do something social without their spouse, it can be hard to find activity buddies. Sure, there are singles events in many locales, but often they feel like an audition instead of just having people with whom to do things. And other than your all being single, you may find you have little in common with these folks so make few connections.

Sometimes you come upon someone on a dating site who likes to do similar things as you, but you know there’s no romantic interest. Other times the person will say clearly, “Looking for an activity partner.” It takes the pressure off wondering if he’ll try to kiss you in the middle of the first date!

I was contacted recently by someone who refreshingly said he was just looking for a pal with whom to do things. We like to do a lot of the same things, and I recognized him as a community leader from his pics. He shared that his wife of three decades died last year and he wanted someone to go to the movies and hikes and bike rides. Plus, he lives in my neighborhood!

So I will meet my new potential friend tomorrow for lunch and see if we like each other enough to want to do things together. Our phone conversation pointed to “yes” on the would-we-enjoy-hanging-out-together dial. And I don’t think I’ll have to be concerned about his trying to sneak a kiss on the first encounter.

Have you nurtured strangers to become activity partners? Have they ever transitioned to romantic partners? Tell us your story.

___________________

Are you like the man mentioned in this posting — not sure if you’re ready to date again or not — then get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

Men often show their connection by teasing and good-naturedly insulting each other. They can make pot shots about the other’s weight, thinning hair, bulbous nose, incompetencies, shortcomings or lack of sexual prowess without taking it personally.

So what happens when a woman — especially a woman he’s attracted to — tries to join in the boys’ club teasing?

Not good.

Some women have trouble understanding that many men take it especially hard when a woman busts a man’s… chops. So if the woman he’s dating joins in the fray when his friends are torquing his jaw, it doesn’t feel like chops she’s busting to him; it feels like she’s attacked his sensitive man parts.

It took me a long time to learn this. I can quickly join in the busting repartee. All my life I have found myself the only woman in a group of male friends or colleagues so picked up the behaviors they have among the guys.

The problem is, men don’t take teasing from a woman as they would from a man. Decades ago a gal pal pulled me aside and told me to not teasingly put down my then-husband. It took me a while as he laughed when I teased him. But I did reduce and eventually stop this behavior with him, as I began to see it was not the right dynamic for us.

A year ago, a male friend asked me to “be nice” to him in front of his girlfriend. When I sincerely said, “You mean I’m not always nice to you?” He said no, sometimes I zinged him in front of her. I apologized and realized he was right. I vowed to build him up in front of her, not tear him down. I eliminated my zingers, whether she was around or not. And I promised myself I’d stop myself from the temptation to do that to any man.

So why do women zing men?

• It can elicit laughter, often from the target himself.
• It makes her feel like she’s accepted by the guys.
• She feels special because other women aren’t given such alpha status.
• She doesn’t think it hurts the target.
• She has low self-esteem so it makes her feel good to put down others.

Most men would not let on that it was uncomfortable — or downright hurtful — to receive zingers from a woman, especially a woman with whom he was involved. They may laugh it off, but it can hurt and he’ll never let on. So the women think they are just playing around, that the guys like it or it doesn’t affect them.

So women, have you zinged men? If so, why? Did you learn to stop?

Men, how has it felt when a girlfriend/wife zinged you?

___________________

Want to understand more about what creates problems in relationships and how to fix them? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A 25-year-old woman agreed to meet — for the first time — a man she’d connected with through a dating site at his house at 9 p.m. to go out to dinner. When she arrived at his door, he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her inside. There, a gun-toting accomplice demanded her keys and the two men drove off in her car.

This is a tragic story.

But it is also a story of stupidity. She was 25 — old enough to know better. But she did not have enough sense to know it was stupid to meet a man for the first time at his house!

Yes, she is a victim.

But really, some people are victims because of their lack of good decision making.

What are the chances this could happen to you? I hope very low. Because you are older and, I trust, much wiser.

The reason this made the news is because it was an anomaly. But there are plenty of other tales of bad stuff that’s happened to women on a date that they are too embarrassed to report.

This underscores why you should never make an exception to meeting a man in a public place the first few times.
_______________
For info on how to vet a man before going out, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

When leaving my exercise class at an elementary school auditorium, this sign caught my eye. It made me think it ought to be posted at coffee shops to remind daters to use their manners!

Why did this cross my mind?

I had another date that left me scratching my head. I checked with a couple of male pals to see if I had too-high expectations.

“What happened?” you ask.

We’d talked, texted and emailed for a few weeks as we worked out a mutually available evening. There seemed to be a shared interest.

When I arrived at the nearly empty coffee shop, he was sitting at a table typing on his phone. I stood opposite him and said “Hello.” He looked up from his phone and said “Hello.”

He didn’t rise to greet me. I can’t remember a date not rising when I appeared, and then either offer a hand or a hug. Heck, I rise on first meeting someone at an appointment whether male or female.

I sat down. He said, “Let me send this email.” I watched as he finished typing.

He asked if I wanted something to drink, then got up to order and fetch it. OK, this guy has some manners.

We had an enjoyable conversation. After 90 minutes, the shop began closing. He said, “We need to go.” I stood up, took my coat from the chair and donned it. He rose and stepped back from the table, which I thought was odd. Did he find me so odious he was stepping away? Was he scared of me? I said, “Give me a hug,” which he did. He followed me to the door. I opened the door into the night.

Upon exiting, he said, “I’m parked over there,” pointing in the opposite direction than my car. “I’m over there,” I said. “It was nice to meet you,” he said and turned to walk to his car.

It’s been a long time since a man didn’t offer to walk me to my car after dark.

So was this man without basic manners? Or was I expecting too much? I chocked it up to he wasn’t into me and was doing only the minimal of niceties. My male friends tell me that when a man is into a woman, he’ll put his hand out to take her coat when she reaches for it. He makes sure to open doors, and would always want just a few more minutes with her by walking her to her car to ensure she reached it safely. Heck, if he was into her, he’d say, “The coffee shop is closing. I’m enjoying our conversation. Would you like to continue over a bite to eat?”

However, when I arrived home he texted me that he enjoyed meeting me and liked our conversation. If he wasn’t interested, why would he text? It was a non-committal text that didn’t suggest another encounter. I responded to him that I liked our conversation, too, and he said he’d call me soon. I figured I’d never hear from him again.

Two days later, he texted then called. I said I was surprised to hear from him. He asked why, and I said I didn’t think he was interested in me. He sounded incredulous and asked why. I pointed out the not walking to my car and the tepid follow-up text. He said he could see me walking to my car and saw I was safe.

I learned from a wise person to make sure the other person knows of your efforts, as they won’t think you care if they don’t know. That’s not to say you should announce every nice thing you do for another, but make sure you say, “I filled up your gas tank” or “I made sure to get the brand of OJ you like” or “I hunted for two-toned flowers and finally found the ones you like.” (These are sort of lame examples, but I hope you get what I mean.)

So in dating, if you are attracted to someone you need to show it clearly, otherwise the person may not know.

What are your expectations of manners in dating? Do you give the other person a little slack on first meeting? Or do you think if s/he isn’t conscious of manners at the very beginning it won’t improve?

__________________

Want more information on what to look for in a first date? Then get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

General wisdom is to take some time to be alone after any relationship ends.

The shorter the time in the relationship, the less time it takes to recover. I once heard that most people need 25%-50% of a relationship’s duration before being ready to have another relationship.

After talking for two weeks, a man disclosed that the reason he listed himself on a dating site is that his partner of 7 years died — two months ago.

My first reaction was, whoa — that’s way too soon to be dating. But in discussing his situation he seemed very grounded about it. And since grieving is unique to every person, it wasn’t up to me to decide what was right or proper for him.

He said her sudden death made him realize that life is short, not to take anything for granted, and that he didn’t want to languish in self-pity. He had honored her every day of their relationship so he doesn’t think dating now is in any way dishonoring her. She’d want him to move on in his life and be happy.

However, he knew he was currently not looking for a replacement relationship. He’d like companionship and someone to enjoy.

Generally, I’d shy away from pursuing anything with anyone in this situation as I wouldn’t want to be a rebound sweetie. That usually means heartache.

Have you dated a recent widow? What did you learn that you think would be useful to other daters? Are these recent mourners too wounded to try to establish a sustainable relationship? Or is companionship just what was needed?
_____________________

Want to know more about what you may encounter as you get back into dating? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

When I decided to hang a picture recently, I wished I had a stud finder to ensure the nail went into wood instead of just plaster.

Then it hit me — wouldn’t it be great to have a similar tool when looking for a man! One that would guarantee hitting a solid man, not a flaky one. Can you imagine how much easier it would be when you walked into a bar or singles event with one of these devices? It would light up and sound off when a responsible, solid, upright man was found!

I thought I’d play with this theme when talking to a new man the other night. We’d emailed, texted and talked over the last 2 weeks. But our schedules haven’t lined up so we can actually rendezvous. From all indications thus far he seems mature, intelligent, articulate, down-to-earth, responsible, humble and a gentleman.

We were chitchatting, as one does when getting to know one another. I told him of my need to hang a picture and my lack of a stud finder. He told me how great they are; they light up and buzz when a stud is found. I playfully said, “Then I should bring one when we first meet so it will help me locate you.”

Without missing a beat, he said, “It will explode.”

I nearly fell off my chair laughing. This was so out of character to the humble man I had thought him to be. It wasn’t off putting, but instead delightful that he’d come back so quickly with such a funny comment.

So, ladies, let’s build our dream Human Stud Finder. I don’t mean “stud” in merely the sexual vein, although, of course, that’s important. What else would we build into this new tool to help us ferret out the qualities we want? I’ll get us going: honesty, caring, romance, intelligence, emotionally stable, financially sound, healthy, responsible.

In addition to other qualities, how do you imagine our invention would work? Should it have an “anti-stud” feature to alert us of those with less-than-quality values? Do we program it with what we’re looking for and have it scan the room for those with a high percentage of matches? And assuming men have whatever the equivalent would be, it would be easy to see who is a mutual match.

Now, perhaps we can get someone to program and build this to our specs. We’d make millions!

_______________________

Until the Human Stud Finder is invented, we are left to our own devices to determine if a man is a good fit for us or not. To help you with that, get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

We’d talked on the phone a few times but hadn’t met. It was early evening when we talked again and he said he’d love to take me to dinner that night. But he had a favor to ask: his Jag was in the shop so would I drive to his area for dinner?

He lived 45 minutes away in a newly gentrified part of a not-so-great area. It was already dark. I didn’t relish driving to his area after sunset.

When I said that, he scoffed, trying to cajole me. I wouldn’t budge. “I’m not driving there alone after dark.” He said he lived in a safe part of town. “But,” I responded, “I have to drive through a not-so-safe part to get to your part.” He got exasperated.

This wasn’t the first time a man had disregarded my concern for my safety. I hadn’t been able to articulate this before I listened to a recording from a seminar about men and women. The seminar leader asked how many men had been cognizant of their personal safety in the last month. No men’s hands raised. She then asked the women. Every hand raised.

In dating, women need to be conscious about creating safe environments for themselves. This is why we are advised to always meet a man in a public place for the first few dates, and to always drive in your own car until you’ve vetted the man. I’ve ignored this advice a few times and while nothing happened, it could have. In retrospect, I saw how stupid I was and how lucky I was that nothing happened.

We don’t want to be paranoid, yet if you are a trusting person, you give men that trust before they have earned it. I don’t even like a man to pick me up at my house on the second date. I’ve found too many see that as an invitation to more than I’d wanted.

Since many men don’t understand that they need to make sure the woman feels safe, look for the signs of his insensitivity. If while planning a date he chides you for insisting you drive yourself to the rendezvous site, he’s not the kind of conscientious man you want. If he tries to persuade you that he will “be good” or “a gentleman” when you say you’re not comfortable going to his house for a second-date dinner, he’s trying to manipulate you.

Be clear on what you need to feel safe. Think about it ahead of time so you can express yourself confidently and firmly. If he tries to negotiate what you state you need to feel comfortable, he’ll try to press your boundaries until he gets his way.

You don’t want to be paranoid, but few women have been sorry they’ve erred on the side of caution. The women who are regretful are the ones who ignored their inner voice screaming “this doesn’t feel comfortable” then allowing the man to lead them where they didn’t want to go.

You always want to be equipped to get yourself out of a situation that becomes uncomfortable. The challenge is that you may feel comfortable with a man on the first few dates so agree to things you know could be risky. You probably don’t know the man very well as you start dating. So he could be perfectly nice in public on the first few dates. But behind closed doors he could show a side that makes you uncomfortable. This is why it’s important to keep your dates to public places for a while. If he has controlling tendencies, they will begin to leak out soon enough.

Have you experienced men who try to convince you that your cautiousness is unfounded? How did you respond? Have you found yourself in situations that you realize could have ended badly? Any experiences that started innocently but caused you to extricate yourself because you didn’t feel safe?

_____________________

Want to clarify how your “king” will behave so you’ll notice it when he appears? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

A midlife friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years. The reason he broke up with her is after a lot of soul searching and couples counseling, it became clear they wanted different things.

When I asked how he was doing regarding this, he said he was using this as an impetus to reassess many things in his life.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Pretty much everything.”

“Give me some examples.”

“Work, living situation, exercise, diet, goals, love, relationships. I’m stepping back and looking at most elements of my life and asking if they are what I want. Am I doing my the best I can given certain parameters?”

“Wow, that’s a lot to assess.”

“Yes, it’s good.”

Breakups can be a time to examine many elements of your life and decide if each is what you want. As a result of this assessment, many people increase their exercise, change their diet, go back to school, take up new hobbies, modify their appearance and/or wardrobe, negotiate work duties, remodel their house or even move.

When my marriage dissolved I thought hard about if I wanted to continue living in my house and city. I seriously pondered getting in my car and visiting friends around the country who’d invited me. I could then experience many areas for possible relocation. Funds and lethargy prevented me from taking off on this adventure. But since I’ve visited so many areas of the country, I decided I was happy for now where I am.

After my last painful breakup, I was motivated to seek counseling to better understand the bad choices I was making about men. It has helped immensely.

What have you examined and changed after a breakup? Have breakups motivated you to modify important parts of your life.
__________________

For more on post-breakup lessons, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

When you’ve decided you don’t want further contact with someone, it’s easy to ignore their phone calls, IMs, texts or emails.

Perhaps you rise a level to at least send a “we’re not a match” email.

It’s hardest to actually tell the person face-to-face. However, if you’ve only had one encounter, it seems counter-productive to arrange a meeting just to tell the person you won’t be seeing them again.

So a phone call is in order. But what do you say? How do you phrase it to not focus on the other’s deal breakers? You don’t want to stoop to a level of name calling or pointing out the other’s bad breath, disheveled appearance, incessant cursing, bad manners or lusting after you. You want to do this task with class and leave the other’s dignity intact.

You procrastinate making the call because you don’t want an altercation and since you barely know the person, you have no idea how he’ll respond.

But you decide you must act consistent with how you’d like to be treated — respectfully — so you make the call.

This was the thought process I recently went through to decide how to tell Erotic-Dream-Guy he shouldn’t bother contacting me again. He’d called 4 times in the previous 3 days and I didn’t pick up because I was busy at the time. But I also didn’t call him back. I thought about our interactions and how I felt during and afterward. While he was funny, smart and knew many of the right things to say, he also chastised me for telling my truth, told me I was evasive when I thought I was being polite, and had made many blatant sexual remarks even after I told him I was uncomfortable with them. Generally, I felt disrespected which is intolerable for me.

So I dialed. I thought about what I would say and how to phrase it to be as non-blaming as possible. I didn’t want to lie with the common, “I’m taking a break from dating,” or “I’ve met someone else and we really hit it off.” Neither were true, and I’d heard these so often I know they are avoidance lines.

He answered and asked about my weekend. I told him it had been busy (which it had) and I knew he’d called a number of times. He said he’d like to see me again. I thanked him and continued, “Because you are a direct man, I’ll be direct with you. After our last conversation I determined that we want different things and we weren’t a match.” He said he was disappointed and respected my decision. He didn’t ask for clarification, so I didn’t elaborate. I thanked him for his interest and wished him good luck. He said thank you and we hung up.

If he’d become confrontational and said, “What do you mean we want different things” I was prepared with a comment that I know is nasty: “I want a respectful gentleman. You want to get laid.” Luckily, I didn’t have to stoop to this low-level comment. I don’t like myself when I become snarky.

It is much harder to tell someone personally, not in text, IM or email, that you don’t want further contact, but it is, I believe, the right way. Have I always made the effort? No. But I felt cowardly when I took the easy way out. Dating is hard enough when you have to deal with cowardly people along the way. I think we need to have the courage to do what we know is right and treat others respectfully, even when they have not always behaved that way toward you. Their bad behavior is no excuse for you to lower yourself to their level.

How have you respectfully told someone there is no need for further contact? What did you consider doing that you’re glad you didn’t?
_______________

For more information on how to break off contact with grace, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A new man started pursuing me and after a few calls shared how much he liked me. I had made no sexual innuendos nor teasing, so was taken aback when he said, “I want to make love to you.” I’ve heard this from a number of men and generally shake it off as they are lonely and horny and socially awkward reentering the dating world so don’t realize how off-putting that can be.

I’ve had others tell me before, during or immediately after a first date what they fantasize our doing together — and I don’t mean going to the movies! They have concocted their own movie of us in their head, one that would receive an x rating!

I gave the new man the benefit of a doubt and agreed to dinner as he had other positive attributes. He behaved himself throughout and didn’t get grabby during the parting hug.

However the next day he called to tell me how attracted he was to me, how he had trouble sleeping because he kept thinking of me, then recounting in detail his erotic dream of us. Too much information!

I’ve become flummoxed at this too-much-sex-talk-too-soon approach, but am wondering if I’m just naive. Does this really work to bed women? Are a sufficient number of women horny enough to say, “Hey baby, let’s make your dream a reality!”? Do women really find this kind of down-and-dirty talk appealing when they barely know the guy?

These men are successful, educated, articulate 50- and 60-year-olds. Are they so hungry for sex that they don’t know they are repelling the women they intend to attract? Or do they intend to attract women who are quick to jump in bed with anyone who invites them? Has midlife dating become filled with dirty old men?

Are there really only a few of us who appreciate a gentleman who treats us like a lady? I am not a prude — there is a time and place for randy talk — but before, during or right after a first date isn’t it for me. Perhaps I’m out of step with wanting to actually have a close connection with someone first.

I asked a savvy, intelligent gentleman about this and he said, “Successful guys are now aware that they are in high demand. They are being very blunt about what they want. And the fact is that real ladies are diminishing and fast chicks are multiplying. You are losing the battle. Most guys don’t know how to speak to a lady and society/technology is only making it worse.”

Sigh.

Another successful, educated business exec/lawyer and I have been communicating for a month because he’s currently on a long business trip. We haven’t been overtly flirting, just talking by IM, not even voice. Yesterday, he sent me a naked pic of himself, unsolicited. I didn’t know quite how to respond, so just said “thanks.” He wrote back an irate email saying I was hiding because I didn’t send back naked pics of myself.

A-huh.

It seems the hunt for gentlemen is like trying to find white tigers. We know they’re out there, but we have to keep weeding out the common ones.

What’s your opinion about sexually explicit talk before, during or immediately after a first date? How have you responded when someone goes “there” too soon?
______________________

For more information on what goes on in a midlife man’s brain (or what doesn‘t go on there!), get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

When someone likes another, the “liker” wants a lot of contact with the “likee.” However, if the ardor isn’t equal, the likee can feel smothered.

Case in point: I’m getting to know a new guy, thus far only by phone. He calls several times a day. Recently, I called him back from an airport and he asked me to call him when I got home so he knew I’d arrived safely.

While I appreciate his concern for my safety, I haven’t had to check in with someone about my safe arrival since I lived with my parents. So I didn’t. He left two voice mails when he thought I’d gotten home. I returned them the next day, as this wasn’t important to me and felt like a chore, not something I relished.

When one hasn’t yet even met a person, I think one call a day is sufficient — and even that can be overkill. I’ve been drawn into extensive text and IM conversations with guys before I’ve met them and have learned it’s usually a time sink. Yes, it can be fun and flirtatious, but if there’s no chemistry when you meet, then it’s all for naught.

The challenge is to assert one’s needs for not-so-frequent contact without hurting the other. If I’m not yet comfortable saying it outright, then I wait to respond, rather than replying instantly. Although if the liker isn’t astute enough to understand that too-frequent communication can be off-putting, he is not likely to get the subtlety of tardy responses.

When I am the stalker, er, I mean liker, and make too-frequent contact, I surmise that less-than-quick responses mean to lay off. I may be misinterpreting this as perhaps the person has been unable to respond. So if he responds enthusiastically, and with “I’m so bummed I couldn’t respond immediately,” that quells the doubts. But without that feedback, I look for the subtleties.

Have you felt smothered by a potential sweetie? If so, what did you do to dial it back a bit?

____________________

Want to understand more signs that tell you a lot about a man before even meeting? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

No one likes it when someone they are dating “plays games,” which is a nebulous description of someone trying to manipulate the other. (We’re not talking Monopoly, Bridge, or tennis here!) But very few people can articulate what constitutes a game. (However, it is commonly agreed that if an “attached,” [e.g., non-single] person acts as if they are unattached, s/he is “playing games.” Or if when asked “are you seeing someone else?” they respond, “no,” meaning “not at this very exact moment as I’m with you and she’s at home.”)

Some people consider arbitrary rules to be game playing. For example, women who won’t call men under any circumstance, or pay for a meal, or have an x-dates-before-sex criteria.

So when does setting boundaries cross the line to becoming a game? For example, although I understand why men offer me their phone number before I offer mine, I prefer to have him make the first move. So I respond with my number and invite him to call. My experience is that if I give him my number and he doesn’t call, he’s not that interested or doesn’t have the initiative I’m looking for. If I call him first, I never get a sense for either of these.

I also don’t like to be on the phone after 10:00 especially for the first few calls. For example, an initial call from a new man came in at 7:30 p.m. No problem. We chatted for 30 minutes, then he said he needed to do a quick errand and would call back absolutely no later than 9:00. No problem.

So when his call came in at 10:00, I sent it directly to voice mail. Could I have answered? Sure. But, 1) he was an hour later than he’d promised, which is not a good sign and 2) 10:00 on a work night is too late unless one knows the other is a night owl or has an already established relationship. If I’d answered, I’d be sending the signal that he doesn’t have to honor his promises and I’ll accept his calls whenever he dials. Nope. Not going there.

Is that playing games? Some would consider it so. Others would say I was setting a boundary of honoring my own needs first. Is this selfish? I don’t think so. If you bend your boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, a man will never learn to honor the ones that are important to you.

Does this mean you should be rigid? Not necessarily. But I’ve found when I waive my own boundaries, I’m in for a heap of trouble. He never believes any of my stated boundaries because I didn’t stand up for them (and for what I wanted/needed).

So what do you think is a “game” vs. a boundary? Have you ever purposefully played games in midlife dating? What did you do and why? What boundaries have you bent and what were the results? What haven’t you waived and are glad you didn’t?

__________________

For other topics to consider when you begin dating, get your copy for you (or someone you love!), of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Good-looking men are nearly always alluring. Some ruin it, however, when you spend time with them. Their good looks have made them arrogant, vain, insensitive and/or jerks. They are used to women treating them well even if they behave badly.

In an episode of “30 Rock” Jon Hamm played a handsome doctor who Tina Fey’s character described as living in a bubble. People bent over backwards for him, but he thought that was how all people were treated. He had no idea that the generosity he experienced wasn’t commonplace.

Other men use their good looks to manipulate others. Some are con artists, exemplified memorably by Brad Pitt’s character in “Thelma and Louise.” Not only did he seduce Geena Davis’ character, but he took all her money afterward.

So it’s refreshing when a good-looking man doesn’t know he is. He’s not so stunningly gorgeous that women throw themselves after him. But he’s handsome enough that you are happy to be seen on his arm.

I had a few dates recently with a man who was incredulous when I told him he was handsome. I don’t think it was false modesty, but he didn’t have the experience of women fawning over him. His humility, of course, increased his attractiveness.

Handsome men who don’t know it are the best beaus. You don’t have to pretend you find him attractive, yet if he doesn’t see himself through your eyes he’s appreciative of your perspective. Instead of taking your compliments for granted, “Yes, I am good looking,” he humbly thanks you.

Have you dated a handsome man who didn’t know it? How was the experience?

______________________

To better define your next special man, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

I would have never predicted that this would be a problem in dating. But it was — for a friend of mine.

She was dating a few guys casually. On the fourth date with one, he bought her a large flat screen computer monitor. When asked why, he told her, “Because you need it.”

He did not get it on sale or discount. He is not a wealthy man, but isn’t impoverished either. She had not mentioned she longed for a large monitor. He noticed her smaller one and went out and bought it.

Normally, we’d adore a man who saw something that would improve our lives and acted on it — even without our mentioning it. But since this was only their fourth date, it was too much too soon. Besides, she wasn’t really interested in continuing to see him. She had no intention of accepting such an expensive gift (nearly $1000), but what if she had, then broke it off with him soon after? Not good for either party.

Some women say, “Hey, a man feels good about taking care of a woman, buying her presents he knows she’ll appreciate. So what if she stops seeing him? He’ll have had the joy of knowing he’s made her happy.”

While it’s true most men like to make a woman they care about happy, it’s also true that they can feel taken advantage of. Many men have complained to me about women who just see them as a walking wallet. But is this scenario different since she didn’t ask for, nor even mention wanting, a larger monitor?

I think other-than-small gifts early in a relationship can be trouble. I’ve received many small gifts from men I’m starting to date, but nothing over $50. Some were items I appreciated; others were just something the man picked up thinking any woman would like it. I’m not just any woman, so I’m generally hard to buy for. But I always appreciated his thoughtfulness and effort.

Have you had a man give you an expensive gift too early in your relationship? What did you do and why?

Men: How would you have felt if a woman refused a gift from you early on? What if she kept it then broke up with you?

____________

Want to know more info on how to casually date more than one person at a time — with integrity? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Sometimes we find ourselves thinking about someone we would have liked to date, but it never came to be. You wonder how it might have turned out. If he’s still single, you wonder if you should reconnect. Or if he’s now a pal, if we should telegraph our romantic interest.

A colleague and I found ourselves single during the same time frame. We enjoyed each other’s conversations, but there was never any move to go out. We shared dating stories and cheered each other on. He was always attentive and complimentary, but he never intimated that he felt other than pals.

A year ago he started dating a woman and became engaged. I was glad he’d found someone who adored him as much as he did her.

I saw him recently and updated him on my dating status. He asked how many men I’ve now gone out with. When I told him 105, he said he wishes he’d been in the mix.

I was surprised since I knew he was in love with his fiancée. I had no idea he would have liked to go out with me. We live several states apart, so it would have been hard to date seriously. But his comment did make me think of others I would have liked to have dated, to see if it would have worked out.

Do you daydream about men who got away? That you would have liked to have dated but it didn’t happen for whatever reason? If so, have you made contact to see what might evolve? Tell us your story.
_________________

Want to understand more about midlife dating? Get an autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? for yourself or a loved one. Great for holiday gifts!

Since humankind began, people have been trying to improve their allure. Yet it seems elusive for many, even though some elements seem obvious:

• Attractive appearance. A willingness to consciously make yourself appealing to those you want to attract. I have no idea, then, why so many online profiles feature hideous pictures. And even with a reasonable picture, why men show up unkempt apparently not passing a mirror before leaving their house or office.

• Pleasant personality. Charm can trump physical attractiveness. Being complimentary and nice pulls someone to you much more than insults and meanness. Yet millions of people haven’t seemed to learn this basic concept.

Yesterday a midlife gal pal and I were comparing dating stories. We  shared what we’ve gleaned that men seem to be drawn to. We examined our own dating success and felt it boiled down to a few key areas.

• The men were lonely and happy to have any pleasant, reasonably attractive woman’s company. We both qualified with these basic qualities.

But beyond this, we felt there were other behaviors comprising appeal that apparently few women have figured out.

• Actively listening. This may seem like a “duh,” but the truth is, not many people are truly good listeners, gently asking relevant questions that show interest. Few people have a natural curiosity when it comes to others. Some who do, ask questions that are intrusive or combative, rather than in a gently caring way. Most people respond positively to another who takes a genuine interest in them.

By actively listening you can learn a lot about someone. After a few email interactions and a few hours in person, a man told me that I knew more about him than most of his friends. I think I listened better and seemed more interested in him than his friends.

In a recent exploratory conversation, a 55-year-old man told me that he’d returned to school to sharpen his skills since he was laid off two years ago. He’d created a summer-focused business and I asked how he supported himself through the winter. He said, “With student loans.” That was enough to tell me we were at different places in our lives and I wasn’t interested in progressing.

• Eye contact. Again, this should be common sense. But I now know that many midlife people feel invisible, marginalized by the lack of people noticing them other than those obligated to do so. If you focus on someone during a conversation that is such an unusual and exhilarating experience for some they are immediately drawn to you.

During the break in my presentation recently, a man came up and asked me a question. He was sort of geeky looking, overweight, and bespectacled. I doubted many woman gave him much attention. I held eye contact during our brief conversation. After my speech, he came up and asked if he could help me pack up and continued to talk with me. I think the eye contact made him feel that someone had noticed him and this was a warm, wonderful, and unusual experience.

So allure can be simple. One does not have to have stunningly good looks to be alluring. Simple sincere behaviors can make you more attractive.

What else would you add to this short list of alluring elements?

_________________

Want to know other ways to be engaging as you begin to connect with someone new? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

I’d deleted his contact info everywhere I could find it after he broke up with me via text 2 years ago. I was surprised to receive that text, as our 5-month relationship had been tumultuous, but I (wrongly) thought we were committed to working out our hiccups. Our last conversation two weeks later — via text because he refused to talk on the phone — didn’t go well. So I worked to heal the hurt and move on. We hadn’t had any contact since.

Last week my Yahoo email was compromised and apparently an email was sent to addresses that had ever gone through my account — including his. The malware email had no subject line and only a link in the body. Anyone who’s been on the Internet longer than a month knows this is a sign of a virus email and not to click the link.

The minute I saw the virus email cross my account, I hit “reply all” and a subject line of “My email has been compromised. Don’t open the last email.”

You guessed it. This paranoid, compulsively cautious, former law-enforcement officer opened the email with no subject or message from someone who hadn’t communicated with him in 2 years, and the last interaction was not good.

He clicked on the link. All sorts of bad things happened to his PC.

He felt compelled to write to me, blaming me for his stupidity, saying I should have deleted him from my address book (I had) and that I was to blame for his having to spend hours disinfecting his PC. And, he closed, “for both our sakes, delete me from your files.”

No problem. Good riddance.

Once a jerk, always a jerk.

Have you been surprised to receive contact from someone who you’d dated and it turned out badly? Tell us what happened.

________________

To read more about the vagaries of breaking up, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

A DG reader shared that he learned his last girlfriend was currently married only after he proposed when she said she was pregnant.

It made me think of what else would be assuring to have someone prove before you got too involved. Of course, it would be considered rude to request the following — at least at the beginning — but it would certainly clarify any questions.

See what you’d add to this list:

• Driver’s license — I’ve only found out that one man gave me fictitious personal information, but I’ve sometimes wondered if a date was who he said he was. Or was the age he claimed, or lived where he stated. A quick look at his driver’s license would put at rest any doubts.

• Divorce decree — I’ve had married men tell me they weren’t when asked point blank. Honest people say they are separated when not divorced. Dishonest ones say they are divorced or widowed when they aren’t. Showing a divorce decree would prove their status — unless they’d gotten remarried in the interim.

• Credit score/tax returns/net worth statement — wouldn’t it be great if you could exchange documentation with your suitor to prove each other’s financial soundness? I’ve been drawn to people who, after investing months in a budding relationship, I learned are financially irresponsible.

Unfortunately, there’s not a document one can produce to show they aren’t a convicted felon, a cheater, or a pathological liar. I’ve dated the latter two and it took a while to figure out.

Of course, there is documentation that can show someone is STD free, but unfortunately few people ask to see it. If it comes up at all, people just say they are and the other accepts it. That’s just stupid. So even when documentation is possible, few ask for it.

What documents would you like to see — if there was actually a way to ask for it without being offensive — that would prove something about someone before you got too involved?
__________________

Learn other things you should make sure you know before becoming too involved in the book, Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I am a bit of a profession snob, tending to eschew men who I don’t feel have a similar job status. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I’ve tried dating blue collar men, and I’ve never found it worked well.

So you’ll be surprised to learn that I had a first date with someone on the other end of the career spectrum — a shepherd.

Where does one even find such a rarity? Online. No, there is not a ShepherdDatingCentral.com — although there is a site for dairy farmers in England.

He was a high-level manager in a high-profile company for 30 years before retirement. Which is when he took up shepherding. He’s educated, intelligent, articulate, cultured — he just happens to enjoy doing sheep herding and shearing demonstrations since it’s a bit of a dying art in the US.

He and I had been in contact for many months, emailing and talking on the phone, since we enjoyed each other’s conversation.

But as you can guess, he doesn’t live in a large city, as there is little call for shepherds there. So he lives in a remote part of the country, near which I was working recently. I told him of my upcoming visit and he said he’d drive the 2.5 hours to come meet me. I then shared that my dilemma was how to get from my client’s city to another remote town several hours from his, as a friend had invited me to visit her there. He offered to come fetch me (herd me?) and drive me — in a car, not running while being nipped at by his dogs — to her town, even though it would be a 5 hour drive from where I was working, and another 2 hours home for him.

He — and his two Border collies — arrived at the appointed time and we embarked on our adventure. He regaled me with stories of the gentleman shepherd’s life (he lives in a comfortable house on acreage where his sheep graze and he and the collies sleep inside, of course). I learned all I could hold about lambing, shearing, herding, tagging and selling sheep. Luckily, he had a broad range of conversation topics so we ebbed and flowed easily. The five hours passed quickly.

When I shared with a friend of his offering to drive me the five hours, she seemed incredulous that someone would do this for a stranger. I responded, “I have some allure.” Afterward she asked how it was. I told her it was fun and that he said it was the highlight of his month, she responded, “Must be a slow month.” Aren’t friends grand?

Will I see the shepherd again? We live too far apart to try to strike up a romance. If we are in each other’s neighborhood, we could have dinner. But he is much more of a mountain man than I am a mountain woman. While I enjoy the outdoors, I don’t relish camping and long hikes, nor am I fond of cold. So we will remain pals.

Have you dated someone in a profession that you thought you’d never consider? How did it work out?

___________________

Want to understand how to meet interesting men online? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

A reader wrote:

“I am overweight — not morbidly obese but overweight. I mention in my profile that I am a bit overweight. I have yet to progress from one initial email with anyone. I feel as if it is impossible to get a date with anyone when you are overweight — am I wrong? Should I not mention it and lie like everyone else? This is so frustrating.”

First, I’m glad you’re honest in your profile. I’ve met for coffee too many men who listed themselves as “athletic” or “average” when they were 80 pounds overweight. I think honesty is important.

However, you can safely say “a few extra pounds” in your profile and people know that means 10-30 pounds. If you say “big and beautiful” that usually means over 50 pounds extra.

The best way is to post a recent, full-length pic of you in something that is flattering. Many men have a shape they are attracted to, even if that shape has extra padding.

You ask if it’s impossible to get a date with anyone when you’re overweight. I am a living example that you can — in fact, men will not only go out with you, but will find you attractive and sexy. It’s not so much the pounds, but how you dress to play up your strengths and how you stand and walk. If you move with confidence, many will overlook some larger-than-normal curves.

If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with a personal shopper in a store that has your size clothing. Tell her you’re starting to date and buy one outfit in which you feel attractive. Also visit the makeup counter and tell the rep you want a new, updated look as you’re starting to date. Tell your hair stylist you want something that makes you look and feel cute and sexy.

Knowing that some men like larger women, join a site like www.bbwpersonalsplus.com or www.largeandlovely.com. You may be surprised by how much attention you get if you post attractive photos.

Don’t let extra pounds get in the way of your dating life. It hasn’t slowed me down and you don’t have to either.

What have you done to not let something you feel could be a liability get in the way of your dating life?

____________________

Need help realizing why you’d be attractive t a man? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

There are lulls in dating life when you have no active prospects. You’ve moved to the “friends” category anyone who’s contacted you in the past. No one interesting has appeared on the horizon.

For most daters, this is their most frequent experience, lingering, perhaps checking online sites for new arrivals. But either no one contacts us or returns our emails.

So we cool our jets, not giving up our desire to have someone special in our lives, but feeling we’ve done everything we’re willing to do for the time being. We know there are other activities in which we could engage if we were being aggressive in our search. But right now, singles dances and matchmakers feel like more work than we’d like.

We try to not drop into a defeatist mentality, succumbing to the oft-chanted mantra of others whose cynicism has taken over: “The good ones are all taken or gay,” “The only ones left in the dating pool are losers” (which, by definition, means we must be in that category since we’re still available).

If you find yourself in a lull, buck up. Enjoy your opportunity to be self-focused (or as much as you can if you have kids at home). You get to do whatever you want, without concerning yourself with anyone else’s feelings or desires. You get to eat in bed, wear your ratty night clothes, not shave your legs — if you want.

However, don’t let your self-absorbed habits become too engrained. Be mindful that you will want to repair your slovenliness once you have someone else in your life.

But for now, enjoy. Get to know yourself even better. Find out what you really like to do. See this time as a chance to spread your wings, unencumbered with concern for a partner.

What have you done during dry spells to keep your spirits up about finding a sweetie?

_____________________

Want more info on what to expect once you dive into dating? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I’d read data that said 50% of men listed on dating sites never get one contact from women.

Yet my experience is that men rarely respond to my being the one who makes the initial contact, or for the few who do, it’s nearly all “thanks but no thanks.”

So I decided to set up an experiment. Granted, it’s not very scientific, as I only posted one profile and set of pictures. Had I been more scientific, I would have posted various ones to see if it was my looks or writing that was alluring or repelling.

For the last 3 months, I’ve regularly emailed men I thought had some chance of being a match. The results are dismal.

I emailed 100 men, all within a 50-mile radius. I met their age, height, education and body-shape criteria.

Out of the 100 men, 47 looked at my profile, sometimes more than once.

Ten sent a “Thanks, but I’ve just started seeing someone and want to see if it works out” email. Has this become the new standard message for “We’re not a match”?

One struck up an email and phone conversation and we met for a drink. We were not a match.

So what’s up with this data? If men rarely receive contact from a women, why would 53% of them not even look at my profile? Were they already seeing someone but haven’t hidden or removed their profile? Too busy to even look at what someone sent them?

Ten percent had the decency to acknowledge my overture. I believe if someone has taken the time to reach out, I owe them at least a response. Obviously, that’s not a common feeling.

People ask me if I’ve been successful with online dating. I always say it depends on your definition of “success.” In this example, I had a 99% failure rate — 100% if you count the guy I met that wasn’t a match. Is that success? In the past, I’ve met nearly all my guys through dating sites. Some have become beaus. Most were one-meeting only encounters. Is that success?

My feeling is I would have gone out with many fewer men if I depended on the “natural” way of meeting in a class, at a coffee shop, or through friends. These methods have resulted in nearly no dates. So online dating has allowed me to meet many more men, with some working out at least for a while.

So what’s a woman to do who wants to be proactive rather than wait for a man who interests her to make contact? I will still email interesting men, just not as diligently now knowing the odds. It is frustrating to realize that men still like to initiate, yet my experience reflects that with nearly all of my beaus being the first contacters.

Gals, what’s your experience with being the initiator online? Did you have good luck with that? Men, how do you feel about women who contact you? Are you flattered or is it a turn off?
___________________

I’ve just learned that Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 is one of the few blogs read by bestselling author Gina Barreca. She lists http://www.DatingGoddess.com in her recent article, “Everybody Blogs.”

If you want more info on what to expect from online dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

I like to think of myself as a generally positive person, but I have my pet peeves. Self-absorption is one of them, although I’m guessing I can act in ways that seem self-centered to others.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed others acting in ways that seem narcissistic. The visitors to the church next to my house who park extending two feet into my driveway. The woman at exercise class who put her bag on top of mine along the wall, meaning I would have to move it when I needed to get my weights out, when there was plenty of other space available for her to put her bag.

However, it’s in the dating world that this self-focus can be glaring. In the span of a week, two men who have shown interest in me have committed what I consider egregious acts of selfish behaviors.

Last week I hosted a small pot luck dinner party. Potential suitor #1 called a few days before to RSVP and asked what he could bring that didn’t require cooking, since he doesn’t cook. I suggested he bring a few bottles of wine, explaining no one else had volunteered that. He thought that was a superb idea and said he’d see me two days hence.

The appointed gathering time came and went. The other guests arrived with their contribution One brought a bottle of wine. After waiting an hour, we decided to eat without Suitor #1. I checked my cell phone numerous times thinking he would call to explain his absence. He never did. Not that evening, the next day, nor yet.

I scratch my head wondering how could someone who knew they had a key component to a small collaborative dinner party fail to arrive, and then to not even call to explain himself. Might he have had some emergency? I am tempted to call, but think he would have reached out if this were so. If/when he ever does call, I have my first words ready: “I’m glad you’re out of the coma, as that’s the only acceptable explanation for your not showing up for a small soiree to which you knew you were bringing a key component.” I doubt he’ll call back after that.

Today, another example occurred. Potential Suitor #2 and I have met several times and speak regularly even though we live 1000 miles apart. He’s flown to visit me a few times. On an upcoming trip, I was going to be changing planes in his city, so before I booked the ticket I called and asked if he wanted to rendezvous and if so, I’d arrange for a very early flight into his city, and a later-than-needed flight to my destination. He thought that was great, telling me he knew the perfect restaurant where we could linger for hours and enjoy each other’s company.

I sent him my itinerary with flight information.

I texted him when my flight landed telling him I’d arrived. Nothing back. I called when I exited the secure area. Voice mail. I texted again, nothing. Called again. Voice mail. I waited 30 minutes and tried again. I decided he forgot or changed his plans and forgot to tell me. I entered the long security line and headed toward the gates. I had 4.5 hours to kill.

Two hours after our appointed meeting time he called. He had forgotten. He apologized profusely and said he’d be right out to the airport, a 30-minute drive. I said I was very upset, as I’d gotten up at 4:00 to take the earlier flight when I could have taken a later one. I’d been waiting for him for 2 hours. He shouldn’t bother coming as I wasn’t in the mood. He said he understood why I was upset and apologized again. We hung up.

We all make mistakes. We forget. We’re not as organized as we should be and something slips. I’m willing to forgive if it happens once in a blue moon, but only if the person has some deposits in their Bank of Grace. Both these men had made promises in the past they hadn’t kept. Usually that’s enough for me to cut ties. They are both intelligent, articulate, fun, and good conversationalists. I gave them grace in the past. But these transgressions are the nails in the coffin.

We all know that someone’s behavior screams the kind of person they are. Yet if we like them, we allow them grace, which can be kind. However, if their self-absorption happens way too often, no matter how interesting they are, we have to respect ourselves enough to not let their less-than-thoughtful behavior stand. We have to cut the ties or they will continue, as it’s doubtful their behavior will change.

__________________

To see what other head-scratchers you may encounter, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Have you ever daydreamed about an old sweetheart from decades ago? What’s he up to now? Is he single? What’s he look like? If you connected, would the spark still be there?

My cousin reconnected with his high school love during their 40th reunion. They had remained close after they broke up in high school, even being in the wedding party for each other’s first marriages! They had lost touch and hit it off again instantly at the reunion. Both were single again. She said she’d love to keep in touch, so he called the next week. The 10-hour drive didn’t keep them apart. He began to woo her and a year later, they were married.

Years ago, when I was married, I got a call from a man I lived with for a year right out of college. He sounded just as stoned as he generally was when we were together, but he was 40 when he called, divorced and with a child. I had no interest in seeing him again.

I also heard from a college sweetheart about a decade ago. He is 8 years older than me, but when he sent his picture, I didn’t recognize him. He looked so old! Solid gray hair and beard, significant weight gain. I wondered what he’d think of how his 21-year-old love had turned out.

A man I had a crush on in high school recently looked at my profile on Match.com. He’s still good looking and has a successful business. I waited a few days and since he didn’t connect, I sent him a friendly, “let’s catch up” email. He responded, but no overture to get together. He’s looked at my profile several times since, but I won’t be initiating contact again. I remember him as a good guy with an easy smile. I am curious to see if he has the same solid character he did as a teenager.

Have you considered rekindling a relationship with a high school or college sweetie? Have you ever actually met with someone you went with then? If so, what happened?

________________

Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? Order yours today!

A long-time reader asked me to address a sensitive, yet not uncommon midlife dating issue — middle-aged sex and erectile dysfunction.

He asks, “How do you handle an attempt at sex that doesn’t work? How do you decide if this is a man you want to continue to see or is this a red flag?”

Can we talk? We are adults so we’re going to use adult words.

There is lots written about Viagra and ED, but what I’ve read is mostly written for long-time partners where there is a strong bond and, one would hope, a willingness to discuss this sort of thing and find a solution that works for both parties.

However, in dating, even after dating a while, there may not be that bond. Which then complicates the matter.

Men, in my experience, equate their masculinity to their ability to satisfy their woman in bed. (Or at least to do what he thinks satisfies his woman, whether it actually does or not.) In fact, some women feel similarly — if a man can’t satisfy her in bed, he’s not fully a man, even if he takes care of the family financially, contributes equally to family chores, is active in family activities, and otherwise shows he’s an emotionally mature partner.

So a man’s ability to perform in bed takes on enormous weight — sometimes for both partners.

If he has some instances of ED there is more pressure. He knows he may not be able to get or keep an erection. He feels like a failure. He may blame the woman for not being sexy enough, or for not trying to arouse him, even though she has done her “job” in these areas previously. A beau broke up with me soon after his inability to perform. I got the impression he blamed me for this, even though I tried to be supportive.

So they go in search of the magic pill — this time a blue one. They think this will suddenly make him an unquenchable sex machine. After all the commercials say something about erections lasting more than 4 hours — “Think of all the fun we could have in 4 hours!” one or both of them fanaticize.

What they don’t know is that the blue pill works with some men and not others. A former beau told me he had ED and so we tried Viagra. Didn’t work. My beau felt like a horrible failure. It really affected his self-esteem.

Also, it’s expensive. The aforementioned DG reader said he bought a 10-pill prescription for $220! So it’s the price of a movie for the two of you. Not too bad, unless your $22 habit is every day and you are out of a job right now.

Both parties seem to expect miracles. One or both of them think he just pops it and within minutes he has his 19-year-old libido back. Well, it doesn’t increase desire. It doesn’t cause an erection. All it does is allow more blood to flow into the penis, but a man still needs to feel aroused. In many cases Viagra is needed simply because there has been vascular damage and blood flow is diminished.

Some men wonder if a women might think if he needs Viagra to have sex, he isn’t attracted to her. If a woman is astute, she understands the biology of the situation. If she isn’t, she may take it personally and feel he’s not into her enough for her to arouse him without the aid.

So what to do if you’re dating someone who isn’t able to perform? If you are connected enough to attempt the horizontal tango, you should be connected enough to talk about it sensitively and supportively. Tell him you know this is uncomfortable for most men and you wouldn’t mind at all experimenting with some pharmaceutical aid. If appropriate, offer to split the cost, although be careful as some men will find that adding insult to injury. So know your man before offering and don’t if you think he’ll be even more humiliated.

This would also be a great time to bring up your own needs, if you haven’t yet. Midlife women often need help to either get in the mood or make the experience more satisfying. Speak up so he knows he’s not the only one who could use some other aids.

This discussion will most likely bring you closer together. If it doesn’t and he gets defensive or goes poof, oh well. You’ve saved yourself from further involvement with a man who’s not emotionally mature enough to talk about solutions to issues around aging. You don’t want to spend another nanosecond of your precious time with someone like that.

Have you been in a relationship where ED was present? How did you and your partner discuss and deal with it? What worked and what didn’t?

__________________

Want to know what else you should know before venturing into midlife sex? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Weeks ago my friend mentioned his brother was coming into town for a few days to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My pal said he’d like his brother to meet me. “You’ll like him” he declared. Since I like my pal a lot, I thought if his brother is like him, yes I would enjoy that.

The weeks passed without further mention of this – no invitation to join them on any outing; no set time to rendezvous.

A few evenings ago, I heard my friend’s familiar doorbell ring pattern beckoning me to answer. There he was, with said brother, saying they’d just gone to the market and did I want to come over for dinner. Normally, I’d jump at an offer for someone else’s cooking, but I’d just taken my week’s dinners off the grill. Since I had abundance, I offered for them to join me for dinner.

The brother was shorter than me, lived an 8-hour drive away and immediately began calling me “Sweetie,” something I deplore as a sooner-than-earned privilege. I endured his turning the conversation back to himself throughout dinner, and in the course of the discussion, learned he was single. They invited me to join them the next day, along with my friend’s girlfriend, for the birthday dinner, saying how much fun I’d have and how they’d love to have me there.

Now the brother’s occasional flirts began to make sense! My friend was trying to fix us up!

It felt like in college, coupled friends suggested I go along with them and a guy friend of theirs to an outing. It wasn’t as if they thought we’d be a good match; just someone to entertain their pal so they wouldn’t feel awkward being a couple with him. Rarely did these events go well. Generally, they were excruciating. I put up with someone either too shy to be engaging, clearly disinterested in getting to know me despite my trys to start conversations, or too aggressively horny to keep his hands to himself.

So I declined the brother’s invitation for the next day. I wondered if I was being selfish to not want to share in my friend’s birthday activities. But then I thought, if it were important to him for me to be there, he would have asked beforehand.

Have you been fixed up by a friend? How did it go?

_____________________

My recent interview with Speeddate.com is now available for reading.

Hi Dating Goddess,

I’m dating someone I’m very attracted to, and we have lots of good chemistry on a variety of levels. The only issue I feel the need to question is the way she kisses.

When I move in close to kiss her, she appears to retreat within herself and becomes passively accepting. She barely moves a muscle to kiss me back, so I feel like I’m kissing someone who is asleep. I’ve tried kissing her all kinds of ways — soft & hard, lips & tongue, dry & wet, shallow & deep, high & low, short & long, and yet she just doesn’t reciprocate. She’s otherwise a very sensitive and sensual person, and she says that connection and intimacy are important to her. She says she quite likes me and that she’s turned on when we kiss.

I had a therapist once who said this kind of behavior could be indicative of some kind of previous sexual abuse, so I wonder if that could be something. We haven’t been dating long, so it’s entirely possible she hasn’t told me of some traumatic experience in her past. Or maybe she’s just shy or just doesn’t like the way I kiss.

Equal participation and reciprocation is important to me in all areas of a relationship, and I feel that passive kissing is generally a bad sign that a person is not assertive enough to handle their side of the equation. It may be too early to have that discussion with her, but it’s the backdrop of why this is important to me.

I want to address this passive kissing before we go much further. I’m able to bring up “difficult” topics, I just don’t know how to approach this one. My first guess says be straight-forward and positive, “I enjoy kissing you, and I would love it if you kissed me back.” But that sounds kinda blunt.

Another approach is potentially invasive, “I notice that when I kiss you, you seem to freeze up. I’m wondering where you go when that happens and what your thoughts are.”

Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks!

William

Hi William:

How about starting just a tad softer with something like, “I love the sensuality of kissing and get quite turned on when my woman also seems to enjoy it. What’s your perspective on kissing?” Then you’re inviting her to share. You can even say, “What kind of kissing do you like?”

I’ve dated men who’s kisses didn’t turn me on or that actually turned me off. I said to one man overtly, “Let me show you how I like to be kissed.” That lasted a little while, but then we stopped seeing each other, but it wasn’t only about kissing.

So if you like her and feel it’s worth the effort, open the conversation!

DG

Readers, what advice do you have for William?

______________________

For more info on dealing with challenging difficult dating situations, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A recent article shared conclusions from researchers at UC Berkeley’s School of Information. The paper “Self-presentation and Deception in Online Dating” found pretty much what we’ve known all along. For example:

• Men are more likely to make the first move, sending that first “wink” or email. They’re quicker to respond to women’s queries.
• Women responded to only 16 percent of messages, and they take longer to respond.
• Both genders seek partners similar to themselves in age, education, height, religion, politics and views about smoking.
• Women are less open-minded, at least regarding ethnicity. They’re twice as likely as men to specify that they’re seeking someone of their own ethnicity.
• Both sexes tell white lies. Men say they are a half-inch taller. Women shave five pounds off their weight.
• Women’s profiles related more to home, sex and emotions; men’s profiles talked about work.
• A photograph is the dominant predictor of whether men will connect. Women value narratives in profiles in addition to pictures.

Some of this information was garnered by content analysis of people’s actual online behavior. They tracked people’s actions (who initiated contact, how long it took to respond, words in profiles). But they must have interviewed daters to get the info on what was attractive in a profile, their true height and how much they really weighed.

In another study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by a team from Harvard Business School, Boston University and MIT, the conclusion was that less is more in how much is shared in a profile. Their reasoning: when a lot of information is exchanged, more differences are exposed and there is less attraction.

Now this conclusion I found interesting. I am not drawn to men who say nearly nothing in their profiles. I want to know what’s important to them.It is true that some of them disclose things that prompt an immediate delete but I think that is good that I don’t waste time on people who share something I find repelling. I share a lot in my profile, even though I know most men don’t read much of a woman’s profile. I want those who do to know as much about me as can be shared in a written essay.

What do you think of these two studies? Anything here but common sense?
__________________

Want information on how to be successful with online dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

In midlife dating, we repeatedly hear, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” At this point in our lives most of us have wrinkles, sags and perhaps even some scars or skin discolerations. Yet it takes a lot, usually, to look beyond the surface image.

So what do you do when someone has a facial feature that absorbs much of your attention? How do you see the person who lies beneath?

I recently had the opportunity to share a small-group dinner table conversation with a man who deals with this every day.

Ngahi Bidois

Ngahi Bidois is a New Zealand Maori motivational speaker. His face is mostly covered with an intricate traditional Maori  tattoo called ta moko.

At first, I found myself stealing glances not wanting to stare. But in a small group, I could look closely at the pattern while he conversed with others. However, I noticed how quickly my fascination with his facial tattoo waned and soon I began to focus on his expressive and soft brown eyes and engaging smile. His spirit, heart, humor and intelligence emerged delightfully. In no time, I found I didn’t even notice the inked design.

In “Yummy is as yummy does” I talk about how a man’s attractiveness increases as his kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and caring emerge. He may not be traditionally handsome, but becomes yummier as a special personality is revealed. Yet, most of us don’t have to put this concept to the test as frequently as Ngahi does.

Sometimes I can remember to look beyond the surface, but I admit I also fall prey to deleting online profiles of men who sound good when reading their description, but their pictures aren’t “my type.” It’s a common complaint that daters don’t give others a chance if they don’t look appealing. It’s also a common fear that when you meet someone for that first coffee encounter, they will turn on their heel without even saying hello once they see you.

Ngahi is a great reminder of how we can miss out on a treasure if we make too-quick decisions based on only surface signs. By the end of dinner, I was marveling at how handsome he was. (He’s married, so not a potential date, but the lesson is still a good one.)

____________________

To better understand how dating midlife men is different, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

On our first date, as we walked to his car, he said, “I’ll open the door for you, but don’t get used to this.”

I asked why.

“Because I don’t usually open the door for women. In six months, I will have stopped and you’ll think something is wrong. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just not my habit to open the door for a woman. And I’m too old to develop new habits.”

“I know from our conversations that you are a man who strives for personal continuous improvement. So if you were really into a woman and your opening the door for her was important to her, I bet you’d work to make that a habit.”

“That’s true” he admitted. “But I’ve learned not to over promise on things that just aren’t in my nature to keep up over time. It creates expectations that I’m not likely to meet. And that creates disappointment.”

“That makes sense. You don’t want to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“Exactly. For example, I’ve learned to give only a 10-minute massage. I used to give an hour, but then the woman would expect an hour’s massage each time. I can do 10 minutes frequently, but I can’t do an hour.”

I appreciated his candor, even though I also appreciate chivalry. It made me wonder about what each of us does early on in a relationship that is for show — to ingratiate ourselves to the other. I looked back on my own behaviors to see how I can be different in the early stages of a relationship than after we’ve been together a while.

In all honesty, I think I’ve been nicer in the early stages, not saying when something bothered me. I don’t know if it was insecurity that the guy might not like me, or just feeling that it wasn’t polite to say something. Now I’m more confident and more assertive. I don’t put up with the BS I used to.

What have you observed yourself doing — or not doing — that you changed as you got to know someone? Have you purposefully learned to not try to be someone you’re not when you know you’ll revert to your true self in short order? Have you experienced someone who put on behaviors at first, but then dropped them as you got to know each other?

___________________

Want to know more about what to expect when reentering the dating pool? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“I will only date a woman who video chats” my tech-savvy friend declared.

“What if she is like me, and doesn’t video chat because no one looks good webcasting?”

“It would take a lot for me to want to start dating a woman who doesn’t do video.”

“Some of us are too vain!”

“Let me ask you this: would video chatting have prevented you from wasting a lot of time talking to men who, when you met them, looked nothing like their pictures?”

“Of course. There are those who post only pictures from decades ago.”

“And when you met them, didn’t you wonder about their judgment to post decades-old pics, but not recent ones, thinking they still looked like that?”

“Absolutely!”

“Did any of those men who didn’t match their pics ever make it beyond a coffee date?”

“No.”

“There you have it!”

“However, I will also say I’ve eliminated men who one-way video chatted with me because they let their hair down, so to speak. Maybe I was being too picky.”

“Or maybe you were saving yourself several hours of meeting someone who would go nowhere.”

“But no one looks good on video chat! The lighting is bad, the angle is bad. I don’t want to have to do my hair and makeup every time someone wants to video chat!”

“But look at the time it would save you from meeting up with men who aren’t appealing!”

I guess my friend is right. But I’m still not keen on suggesting it. I’ve had men ask me if I’ll video chat and I’ve always declined. Some of them have chatted one way, which is a little odd. It’s not too bad if you’ve already met and have an idea of what they look like in person.

What do you think about video chatting before meeting? Good idea or bad?
_________________

For more info on ways to determine if you should meet, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates,

Bulging biceps. Chiseled pecs. Taut tushes.

The gym is part of their daily regimen.

They look great in — or out of — their clothes.

I describe these guys as”hunkalicious.”

Sometimes the only muscles they’ve developed are below the neck. Holding an extended conversation about anything of intellectual value is a challenge.

But sometimes they have the whole package. Buff and brainy. Fit and funny. Athletic and articulate.

This was the description of #103 who I met a few days ago. He is a refreshing mix of uncommon characteristics. I was initially drawn to him because of his online pictures, and his profile revealed a well-spoken man. I was pleased that the man in person was thoughtful, respectful and easy going.

I, too, have stereotyped buff men. I’ve thought they wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not buff and wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time in the gym, although I do exercise.

I’m actually glad to find out I’m wrong in those assumptions.

What assumptions have you made about men’s values, priorities and intellectual capacity based on their rippling muscles?

______________________

Explore what you’d like in your next mate in the book In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

• Three dates.

• One month.

• Ten dates.

• Three months.

I’ve heard all these as people’s criteria for when to first get intimate with a new love.

A pal recently shared that he has been taken aback by some women’s arbitrary time line for intimacy. He once dated a woman who, on their 4-month anniversary, announced it was time for them to have sex — that night! They did. He said it felt mechanical because they hadn’t built the emotional connection that he sought to make it fulfilling.

Do you have such a time line? Or do you just have certain parameters, like “never on a first date,” or “whenever it feels right”?

I don’t have suggestions for when you “should” get naked with your sweetie for the first time. I’ve learned I need to feel a significant emotional connection, not just a physical one. And I need to trust that he won’t just disappear afterwards — not that there needs to be a spoken commitment. A pledge of exclusivity is important, although I’ve had that with a past beau and he still cheated on me.

The important thing is for you to know what you need to proceed to this step in the relationship. An arbitrary time line isn’t usually enough. You could date someone for months and still not have the emotional connection you feel you need. However, I would be skeptical if you say you have a significant enough emotional connection after just a week or so. That’s usually the brain’s chemicals tricking you into thinking you have more than is likely after such a short time. So even if you feel that you are soul mates by the end of week two, an arbitrary wait period of, say a month, then would be wise. A lot can happen in those ensuing two weeks.

Some experts suggest 3 months is long enough for a man to show his true self and for you to see him without his best wooing self put forward. My experience corroborates this. Usually by 90 days, the chinks in his armor begin to show and you can see if you can live with those or not. So before you’ve gotten physically entwined, you have a better sense of the man. Because once you share horizontal happiness, the relationship usually shifts dramatically. As the aforementioned pal expressed, “The flood gates of expectations open and a man can drown in what rushes forth unabated.”

Yes, we women generally do have expectations once whoopee has been made. That is if we didn’t perceive the encounter as just a fling. So we need to see that the man is someone we’re interested in being with and he’s shown he’s interested in being with us.

So examine your own criteria. Ask yourself why you have determined that you would be ready to have sex at a certain point. You may stick to those boundaries, or you may decide they are really just arbitrary. If the latter, make a list of what you need to feel comfortable before becoming intimate.
_________________
To explore more things to consider before having sex with someone you’re dating, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

The doctor in my exercise class is always off a beat. He enthusiastically flails his arms and legs — if occasionally in time with music it is by mere accident. I wonder how it would be to be coupled with a highly intelligent man who had no rhythm and no consciousness that his body is moving very differently than our instructor.

We all have an idea of our perfect mate. Perhaps he’s artistic, articulate, rational, a great dancer, musically adept, introspective, appreciative of nature, and a great communicator.

If you want all of the above, good luck. As they represent competency in each of the 8 intelligences Harold Gardner presented in his 1983 theory on multiple intelligences.

• Spatial
• Linguistic
• Logical-mathematical
• Kinesthetic
• Musical
• Interpersonal
• Intrapersonal
• Naturalist

You say, “But the description above is just of well-rounded person. Nothing really grandiose.” Perhaps. It depends on the level of proficiency you desire in each of the intelligences. If you want someone with a 10 in each, you are living in a fantasy.

Most of us have one dominant intelligence, according to Gardner’s hypothesis. Or perhaps two. You may be average at a few. And one or more that just aren’t a strength.

Take a stab at rating yourself on a 1-10 scale on each of the intelligences listed above. If you are a concert pianist, you would be a 10 in the musical intelligence. A Ph.D. in mathematics, no doubt a 10 in logical/mathematical. An architect — spatial. (More examples at Wikipedia.)

For example, I’d give myself an 8 or 9 for linguistic since I’m a writer and speaker. I’d give myself a 6 at kinesthetic since I’m a reasonable dancer, but would never qualify for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

After you’ve subjectively rated yourself, now rate your ideal mate in these 8 areas. If you’re an 8 on kinesthetic, would you be willing to couple with a 3? If you’re a 4 in logical/mathematical would you see yourself with a 9?

Of course, you can fall in love with someone who has polar opposite natural skill sets. In fact, some schools teach to all 8 intelligences to get kids to improve their appreciation of each, and perhaps their skill level. So if you have two left feet, will you ever be an exceptional dancer? Probably not. But if you continue to develop your skills you will at least be better — and your 8-level kinesthetic partner will enjoy your dance outings even more.

Appreciate not only your various intelligences as well as your date’s. However, know which ones you require and which ones you can live with if he’s not as good as you.

But if your partner insists that you engage in activities that come naturally to him and are hard and thus not enjoyable to you, best to communicate that you won’t be joining him in that activity. If he insists, that’s a sign it’s time to put your foot down — or out the door.

________________

Want to explore more about the make up of your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? today!

When you think of Peanuts’ Lucy and the football, you see a comic strip series where Charlie Brown, the ever hopeful and trusting soul, believes Lucy when she tells him — once again — that she’ll hold the ball for him to kick. Every time — for decades — she pulls the ball away at the last minute, causing Charlie to land hard on his backside. No matter how much she’s promised him she won’t, she does.

In dating, I’m surprised by how many men think it’s perfectly okay to pull out the football in many ways. It can be as simple as he says he’ll call on a certain day and he doesn’t. While you might not sit by the phone waiting (as you may have when younger), if you have any connection with him you look forward to the call.

But it doesn’t come. He may (or may not) text or call later, saying he got tied up. This may (or may not) be accompanied by an apology.

Or he tells you he’ll meet you at 7:00 and 7:15 comes and goes with no notification of his lateness. He may appear (or not) and explain it away (or not). He may apologize, but often there is no mention of his tardiness, let alone an apology.

Perhaps he suggests hanging out together this Saturday. He says he’ll call you Saturday morning to confirm. When you don’t hear from him by noon, you call him so you can determine your afternoon’s schedule. “Oh,” he tells you, “a friend called and we’re going motorcycle riding for the day.”

Yes, all these examples are of rude, thoughtless, self-centered behaviors. But can so many men be so inconsiderate?

A male pal explained that when a man says, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” he’s not so much making a commitment, but more expressing a possibility. I, and many of the people with whom I pal around, believe your word is your bond. You don’t say you’re going to do something and then not do it unless you communicate and renegotiate with the person to whom you’ve committed.

I know in today’s society this is a rarity.

For those of us who expect someone to follow through with what they say, we behave as if the promise will come through. So if a man invites me to dinner, I’ll determine what I’m going to wear and make sure it’s clean and pressed. I’ll plan my chores to make sure I have the evening free with no pressing duties to distract me. I’ll wash and curl or straighten my hair so it looks and smells good. While not obsessing, I imagine how much fun it is to be with him and perhaps think of some topics I want to share.

Then, boom, the call half-hour before I’m to leave, telling me he’s tied up and has to reschedule. The football was pulled out just as I was beginning to kick it.

While we can all occasionally have unexpected situations occur that make us need to reschedule our social calendar, if it happens more than once in a short time, I see it as his 1) lack of respect for me, 2) inability to manage his life, 3) belief that this is an okay way to treat people and/or 4) absence of real interest in me.

I’ve let men with whom I’ve been smitten  pull the ball out numerous times. I gave them too much grace. And it hurt more than my tush. Now, I look for the signs much more quickly. If, on the second occurrence I state my displeasure and he responds that I should be more flexible or spontaneous, I know that he and I have very different values.

Then I take my football to play with someone who respects the players and follows the same rules of good sportsmanship.

________________

What else should you look for as you start to date again? Get more information in Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

With apologies to Queen (but without the violence of their song), I share that another one bites the dust. Number 102. The result of my latest foray into Match.com.

After a few email exchanges, we talked for an hour and I mentioned the next evening I was going to a public street fair within walking distance of my house. He said, “I may go to that and look for you.” Uh huh. Great way to set up something certain, as 30,000 people attend this event.

He called me from the event and asked if I was there yet. I said I was leaving in 15 minutes. He said he’d “look for me.” Right. In a crowd of thousands you’re going to find someone you’ve never met. I didn’t press for a more certain location, as I figured he must not be too interested if he didn’t want to set a specific spot.

Ten minutes later he called to say he was in a nice bar and had a table. Finally, some certainty! A plan! What a concept. I said I’d be there in a few minutes.

He was smart, tall, educated and successful. But I’m afraid we just didn’t have enough in common. In fact, we are polar opposites politically, not that I don’t enjoy a spirited discussion. But I’m not fond of arguments that aren’t likely to yield either of us changing our opinions.

He wasn’t odious or disrespectful and even bought me a glass of wine. But his regular interjection of curse words and his repeating himself grew tiring. He did ask me a few questions, and I interjected my thoughts when he didn’t.

The drink evolved to a light dinner at an inexpensive ethnic restaurant down the street. When the bill came, I got out my wallet, as my male buddies have coached me to do on a first encounter. He said my share was $14. OK. That’s usually a screaming sign that there’s no interest in a repeat rendezvous.

We walked back to where our destinations required a split. He hugged me and said, “Talk to you soon.” Which generally means, “Have a nice life.” Which is okay, as I wasn’t really feeling it either.

One of the hardest things about midlife dating is keeping your optimism in the face of a number of going-nowhere encounters. The interaction isn’t horrible, it’s just not great. Ambivalence. It’s the all-too-common reality of this exercise. So I keep my hopes up and respond to the next man knocking on my in-box.

_______________

One of the benefits of online dating is it allows you to get to know several people concurrently and not be considered a two-timer. Learn how to ethically go out with several people in Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

After one has been dating for a while, the excitement and novelty of meeting new people wears off. Couple that with too many one-time-only encounters, and you become more guarded with your time and emotions.

At least I know this is true for me, and I’m guessing it is for others who have been searching for their next mate for years.

I’ve slowed down considerably my dating activities. The last new man I went out with was 8 months ago. And while we became fast friends, I know it will never advance beyond that. He’s got some deal breakers that are insurmountable for me and he knows it. So we enjoy a bi-weekly chat, but it’s become an unpaid mutual business coaching session.

I’d pulled back on my online dating activities, as I was getting too many men contacting me who were geographically, economically, educationally, or emotionally not a match. So it was with mixed emotions that I decided to rejoin Match.com this week.

Over a year ago I canceled my subscription because the same faces were appearing over again and I had already either ruled them out, had contacted them to no response, or met them and felt no connection. I felt I’d exhausted that pool.

So why did I rejoin? Match.com merged with Yahoo Personals so  thought there may be some new possibilities. I searched for local men in my age range and hundreds of new faces emerged. After reactivating my profile, I immediately got a handful of contacts. So I renewed. I then searched by even more specific criteria, and lots of possible matches appeared. I’ve been merrily emailing and responding to emails.

We’ll see if this time my efforts are more fruitful.

I stay in the online dating game because I have met some wonderful men, even if many of them are geographically undesirable. I’m meeting one in a few weeks when I’m in his area since we’ve been talking weekly for a few months. In a few months, I will finally meet another who’s flirted with me for a year. Why bother with these men who will most likely never turn into romantic mates? Because they are interesting, articulate, intelligent, funny and good conversationalists. We’ve met in an unlikely way yet found enough commonalities to keep us delighting in our banter and discussions.

Will my foray back into Match.com yield my King Charming? Stay tuned!
________________
For more information on the ins and out of Internet dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

It’s Never Too Late to Date: Shirley and Howard’s Rx’s For Dating and Mating After 50 by Shirley Friedenthal and Howard Eisenberg

This is a good primer for women in their “golden years” (the author’s words) who haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years — or perhaps ever. If the readers are like my mother, they may have never really dated except their husband. So after a death or divorce, these women are often unhappily resigned to living a life alone even if they’d like a male companion, as they are petrified to date.

Although this self-published book lists two authors, there is frequent reference to “I” and it’s Shirley’s voice. The only time it’s clear Howard is in the book is when they tell the story of how they met. So I will refer to “author” not “authors.” Perhaps he added his perspective, but his voice isn’t present.

Shirley mixes inspiration with common sense topics like always dress as if you might meet someone special — even when doing errands or walking the dog. But I guess if one hasn’t had to worry much about one’s appearance in decades it’s a good reminder. She even lightly touches on sex.

You will like this book if you are over 60 (or if you’re a sheltered 50) or haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years. Shirley offers some down-to-earth advice on what to expect.
_____________________

Of course, if you’d like to explore other books on dating in midlife, download your copy of any of my 13 books on the topic.

All Dating Goddess books

At some point in dating you have, no doubt, encountered jerks, players, and self-absorbed individuals. Perhaps you labeled some narcissists. But have you ever encountered someone you’d deem a psychopath?

In researching a relative’s extreme personality disorder, I decided to read Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work to determine how to best respond to the anti-social behavior with which I was having to deal. While the book focuses on psychopaths in the workplace, I thought I’d glean some ideas for identifying and dealing with these folks anywhere.

First, what’s the difference between a narcissist, sociopath and psychopath? I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can only paraphrase the authors’ description.

• “Narcissistic personality disorder involves … displaying a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.”

• “Sociopathy refers to patterns of attitudes and behaviors that are considered antisocial and criminal by society at large, but are seen as normal … by the subculture … in which they developed…. Many criminals might be described as sociopaths.”

• Psychopaths and narcissists have some overlapping characteristics, like lack of empathy, and grandiosity, but psychopaths couple these with deceitfulness, lack of remorse, without conscience or loyalty, refusal to accept responsibility and antisocial behavior. While these may sum up the things you loath about your ex, it’s not likely he was really a psychopath! More probably, he was probably just a jerk.

Not all psychopaths are criminals — or at least only a fraction of those with this disorder have either committed crimes or have been caught. The authors say approximately 1% of the population could be diagnosed with psychosis. They point out that only a small percentage of them have been put behind bars, so they are loose in society. Because psychopaths are often intelligent and present themselves well, you’d never know to look at them that you are about to be manipulated for your money, job, belongings or sex.

And not all manipulators are psychopaths. There are plenty of people who will lie, cheat, and steal, but that doesn’t mean they have this personality disorder.

So if so few people qualify as bona fide psychopaths, why am I telling you all this? Because I found the book a fascinating read and if you deal with anyone — at work or personally — who is a smooth manipulator, it may be useful to you.

Secondly, to encourage you to disengage from anyone who has extremely abnormal behavior that you feel is harmful to you. I had to extricate myself from a bullying manipulator, even amid pleading from friends and family to not do so. I am making that same decision about the aforementioned relative. You don’t have to put up with harmful behavior — whether it be emotional, verbal or physical — no matter who it’s coming from.

Have you encountered a manipulator in dating? If so, what was the final straw and how did you end it?

__________________

To explore other examples on whether he’s a keeper or not, get your own copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him? today!

Midlife daters have admitted to me that they don’t know how to flirt anymore. Some even say they never knew how. Now that they are single in midlife, they are feeling they need — and want — to learn.

But how does one practice? Chatting up strangers in the grocery store? Smiling and winking at others in the gym? Offering, “You look familiar” to someone at the coffee shop?

Instead of strangers, should one practice on folks you think are single at church, school events or work? What if they aren’t single and they think you’re being inappropriate? If your flirting backfires, you’re stuck seeing them at future functions.

So what’s a neophyte flirter to do?

For those not quite ready for my Flirt-O-Grams, you can join Flirtomatic.com. It’s a free site that lets you enter minimal information about yourself and start flirting with people all over the world. Or you can limit the focus of your flirting to an age range and/or geographical area.

While I see minimal value for those who feel comfortable getting their flirt on, for those needing some remedial practice it’s a safe place to start. Think of it as flirting training wheels.

I asked my pal who’s doing publicity for the site why someone would join since one can easily flirt on any dating site. He said the beauty of this site is members don’t really have to intend on meeting or talking on the phone. It’s for folks who like to have some flirty banter with no strings attached. While I don’t see myself ever being drawn to this concept, he says it’s very popular in the UK where it began. Especially with those who don’t feel comfortable flirting in real life — yet.

I agreed to try it out so I could tell you my impressions.

First, because membership is free, the level of class, intelligence and education skews low. Some of the introductory messages showing on guys’ profiles are crass. Just move on.

I got flirts from 18 year olds on up. None had anything enticing on their profiles that made me want to respond. When I searched by 40+ men near me, there was no one with whom I wanted to flirt. If I didn’t care their age or location and just wanted to play a bit, I could probably find someone flirt worthy.

Assuming you do find folks to flirt with, you can get their messages via text. I don’t really want to be interrupted with texts by people I don’t know so I didn’t enable that feature.

Know that you have to buy Flirt Points to get improved functionality. For example, if you want to search by those near you, you have to buy 75 points for 24 hours of this feature. For $1.99 you get 250 points.

So, the bottom line is: if you want to just practice your flirting skills, sign up for the site. If you are already comfortable flirting in real time, pass.

________________
Want to understand the ins and outs of cyber dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

There are various types of “buddies” in dating. Some you’re good with; others you’re not. You don’t really want a  no-strings-attached sex-only relationship. You want some strings if you are going to get intimate — at least some interest in exploring if you both want there to be strings, not just “That was fun. See you later.”

You crave tender touching and caresses, but there’s no one on the horizon that interests you enough to go down the physically intimate path. So you seem caught between no physicality at one extreme to enduring a booty call just to get some physical contact.

Enter the concept of cuddle buddy. “What’s that?” you ask. Good question, as I just invented the term, although the concept has been around. It’s where two people (of the opposite sex for this blog’s discussion) who are fond of each other but never got into a dating relationship. They enjoy each other’s company and like to hang out. But there’s a deal breaker for one or both of them that prevented the relationship from getting intimate.

Neither of you is dating anyone else so you don’t get your skin hunger satisfied elsewhere. So when you sit on the couch watching a movie, you end up smack next to each other. His arm may go around her shoulders, her head may rest on his chest. One may rest a hand on the other’s leg. There is no kissing, just cuddling. They may even fall asleep on the couch this way.

A cuddle buddy is only good when you both understand there is no interest in going further. If one of you breaks the invisible wall and starts kissing or trying to advance, it all falls apart. One of you has to stop the other and there is an awkwardness between you then. Or maybe the other doesn’t stop and things go beyond where you both know you should, and then it becomes really strange. Now you are lovers, but you don’t really want to be this person’s lover because of the aforementioned deal breaker. Do you “break up” even though you were really never going together? Or do you try to ignore it hoping things will go back to normal? Or do you talk about it to clear the air, but things really don’t go back the way they were?

So try cuddle buddying only when you believe you’re both clear on the boundaries and are willing to live within them. But it is a nice alternative to the other kinds of dating buddies.

Have you had this kind of relationship? If so, was it easy or hard to maintain your boundaries? What happened when one of you met a romantic partner? How did it end — or did it?

________________

To determine if you’re ready to get intimate, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

I’m struck that many men’s online profiles say they want a spontaneous woman. It’s made me look at my own level of spontaneity.

My experience of spontaneity is that someone else (a friend or suitor) calls or shows up and says, “Hey, I’m on my way to XXX. Wanna come?”

More often than not, I have my morning, afternoon, or evening planned so I have to quickly sort my day’s priorities and see if I can shift things if I want to accompany them. If I decline, I usually hear disappointment or even chiding from the other.

While I appreciate they wanted to spend some time together, I feel much more special if they take the time to think ahead and invite me the day before. Then I can have time to rearrange my activities and look forward to the outing.

Being invited at the last minute feels like I’m an afterthought. This isn’t very appealing.

In fact, I’ve come to think of these impulsive invitations as selfish. The inviter has had time to decide that the activity is something they want to do and arrange their life to do it. There is no forethought of my schedule or priorities. It is all about them and their desires, and my attendance is not just secondary, but way down the list.

So how does one allow some spur-of-the-moment activities in a planned life? The key is to not be so rigid that you can’t occasionally say, “I’ll do my projects tomorrow.”

And I try to educate my friends and suitors that I do well with planned spontaneity. Although it sounds like an oxymoron, it means that we decide to spend the afternoon, evening, or day together, perhaps float some possible activities, then agree to decide when we’re together. This allows for the proper clothing to be worn or brought or other items that would fit with the activities offered.

For example, a friend stayed with me over the weekend to attend a meeting Saturday. She had Sunday to play. Saturday night we discussed a handful of options that encompassed what she wanted to do. Sunday morning we set out on our top priority, then at transition points throughout the day I offered her options. The day unfolded wonderfully as we ebbed and flowed based on the weather, our mood and our hunger. We were spontaneous within a loosely planned day.

How do you feel about spontaneity in dating? Are you the one offering spur-of-the-moment activities or are you more on the receiving end? If the latter, how do you feel when someone you’re dating only seems to offer to get together last minute?

_____________________

Want to read about more situations that need to be negotiated in dating? Download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

The attractive mature woman approached me after my talk on dating after 40. She said she admired my courage to take on dating so enthusiastically, but she was afraid to start dating.

I asked what her fear was.

“I’m afraid of rejection. And I’m afraid of all the work it will take.”

“Yes, there is rejection in dating. It’s just part of the process unless you meet your next love on the first encounter. Some find their sweetie quickly — a friend found her fiance after dating only nine men after her divorce. Others, like me, take longer. So you have to steel yourself that there will be rejection and some men do it more respectfully than others.

“But frankly, some of the hardest rejection to deal with is when you know you must let a man know you aren’t interested in having a romantic relationship. Some will take it well and others won’t, no matter how nicely you put it.”

“And yes, it takes time. Unless, as I said, you meet a special someone quickly. But it takes time to get to know him, ensure you have similar values, and that he’s the real deal.

“But you have to weigh what you want versus the time involved. If you wanted to start playing tennis after a long absence, you’d have to put in considerable practice time. And hopefully, you’d get better and more confident the longer you practiced.

“You may start entering tournaments. And you won’t win every game. You will have to deal with the disappointment of losing — just like you’ll have to deal with the disappointment of being rejected in dating. But if you think of it as not really rejection, but clearing the deck for someone with whom there is mutual interest, it won’t sting as much.”

She nodded and smiled — and bought a book. She said she appreciated the pep talk and thought she’d now put her toe in the dating water.

Before you started dating again, what were you afraid of?

____________________

Want to explore if you’re ready to date again or not? Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

What determines if you are an item? Is it agreement about exclusivity? Is it the fact that neither of you is interested in seeing others?

You may think that his regular calls, texts and weekly dates makes him your beau. He may think that you are just one of the women he is seeing, even if at the moment he’s not seeing anyone else. You may feel that by your sleeping together regularly, you are going together. He may feel that you are a woman he’s hanging out with.

Don’t jump to the conclusion that he feels that you are both on the same train to boo-ville. You may be taking the express and he’s taking the local. You are many steps ahead of him, perhaps wanting him to meet your friends and family, taking vacations together, maybe even thinking you’ll be moving in together. Yet he’s moving at a much slower pace, thinking you are seeing each other and determining if you want to continue. He may not even see you as exclusive unless you’ve had that discussion.

So don’t derail the train by assuming you’re on the bullet train to relationship bliss. Allow yourself to slow down, even if you really like the guy. In fact, throttle back especially if you like the guy as if you make assumptions too fast, he’ll jump off the train at the first opportunity. Or throw you off — and ow, that hurts!
_______________

Want to know about how to tell if he’s a keeper? Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

You’ve struck up a nice communication with a man who seems to fit many of your criteria. He’s smart, educated, polite, funny, well traveled, successful and clearly interested in you and your life. His age, height, and economics are in the right range for you. You’ve talked on the phone several times and you’ve had email, IM or text conversations every day for a week.

You usually like to meet a man in person within a week or 10 days — before spending too much time flirting virtually. You know it pretty much all hinges on how you feel about each other face-to-face. It can enhance your growing fondness toward each other, or it can fall flat.

With a first date set for a few days hence, for whatever reason (business or family illness) your guy is suddenly called out of town. You understand — he must go. But it happens too quickly to fit in even a coffee date to meet.

While he’s gone, he calls daily, IMs and emails you sweet messages. The conversations focus around each other’s needs and desires. You feel you’re really getting to know each other — as much as one can without being in the same room. He expresses his deepening fondness towards you, how much he wishes he were with you, how he can’t wait to meet you.

As you both share more and more, his expressions of endearment increase. He asks your favorite clothing designer and says he’d like to buy you some of that line. He asks where you would optimally like to live, then says he’ll build you a house there. He asks where you’d like to travel, then says he’ll take you there. On and on he continues to unearth your desires and tells you he’ll provide them.

You know it is infatuation and idealization, based on words not actions. When he says he can’t wait to have you share the same last name, it hits you: This must be how mail order brides feel! Men who want a woman to move across the country or world are wooed by sweet talk and promises from a man they’ve never met! Luckily, the man who’s sweet talking you lives a few miles away and isn’t intending to move to some remote part of the world — as far as you know.

But unlike many mail order brides, you know to be skeptical. You know not to count on any promises made by someone you haven’t met. Heck, you know not to count on promises made by some people you *have* met! You know that he is just flirting and trying to say things he thinks will please you. Yet you are clear these suggestions of promises are a sign of his neediness. But since there doesn’t seem anything malicious, you give him grace. You are also on guard because you this is how scammers bilk lonely hearts out of their life’s savings.
______________________

Want to know how to determine if you should invest your time with a new guy? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

I’m an equal-opportunity dater. I’ve gone out with Caucasian, Black, Latino, Asian, Indian, Native American and mixed-race men. Although it doesn’t always come up, I know some have been Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic and atheist. None of these on their own are deal makers or deal breakers. My interest or disinterest depends on many other elements.

So it surprised me when some Black men asked me if they are an “experiment.” If going out with them was part of satisfying some curiosity of mine. The first time I was asked this I was confused, so probed.

“What do you mean by ‘experiment?’”

“Some women have heard about certain characteristics that Black men supposedly possess and they want to see if it’s true.”

I almost fell out of my chair.

These “characteristics” could really be described as physical “attributes.” And the Black men got tired of being with women who just wanted to see for themselves, without any interest in a relationship. They’d spent time and energy getting to know a woman and then after a roll or two in the hay, she’d had her curiosity satisfied (and perhaps other things as well) and was on her way. She really wasn’t interested in anything beyond confirming (or not) the rumors she’d heard.

No one likes to feel like a curiosity, something to be examined and then tossed aside. We want to invest time with people who have an interest in the whole package, not just a single part. So I understood these men’s skepticism and caution.

Men I had no interest in have asked if they could fondle certain body parts. How could they possibly think that I’d say yes? They were curious, and no doubt, felt there was no harm in asking as they got the message I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Have you ever felt that someone was with you just to have his curiosity quenched? What happened?
___________________

To understand more about what to expect when dating after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

(Read about our first encounter)

A few days ago he returned from his global travels and was in my city for a few days. He remembered that my birthday is today so he decided to treat me to an early birthday celebration. He’s still handsome and buff at 61, but perhaps not as much as when he posed for Playgirl 30 years ago.

In addition to his good looks, he’s attentive, intelligent, humble and funny. I briefly thought of abandoning rationality and suggesting a romp in the hay. I’m pretty sure he would have been game. But then I remembered that trysts are like Chinese food — soon thereafter, I’m hungry for something more substantial.

We’ve been in contact monthly since our first encounter. But I still don’t feel I know him well.

He suggested we travel abroad together. I’ve been invited to accompany men to Paris, Rio and on cruises, but always declined because I didn’t know them well enough to share a room. But Mr. Playgirl strikes me as different. But then, I’ve misjudged seemingly good guys before, only to learn differently when I’ve gotten to know them better.

So I want to get to spend more time together before I agree to be a traveling partner, no matter how much I long for an international travel buddy. We already know we have similar travel styles and like to explore similar types of sights.

The internal debate is whether to seize the day and just go for it, or proceed cautiously and make sure I’m totally comfortable before buying a plane ticket. My adventurous self battles with my cautious self.

Have you had these type of internal battles when starting to spend time with someone? Have you leaped for adventure or stayed cautious? What happened? Would you do the same again? What did you learn from your choice?
_____________________

Want to explore other issues to consider before spending the night with a man? Order your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Here’s a recent question from one of our regular guy readers. I thought you might have some suggestions.

There are usually inequalities when you are dating. One person has a more successful career. One person is better at interpersonal skills, and the other is better at technical skills. Differences that makes life interesting and the world go around.

We are both past the having babies stage, but I wonder about the inequality of our families. All the kids are old enough that they won’t be living together. But, I just started wondering if the inequality will bread resentment. I can provide a husband and a house. But for kids, we will have to play the cards that have already been dealt.

____________

While I don’t have kids, that won’t stop me from having an opinion!

If you do become connected with this woman, you can’t help but hear about her kids and sharing about yours. At some point, they will meet each other. If she wasn’t secure that she did the very best job she could in parenting and admitting that some of how kids turn out is a crap shoot, I imagine she’d feel a bit jealous of your kids’ accomplishments.

If she does show any feelings of inadequacy or jealousy and they are unabated, it will ruin the relationship. However, even two parents with accomplished children can have issues about one-up-manship. If you decide to continue seeing her, you have to be conscious about not oversharing about your kids and offering advice about hers. Let this unfold as you build trust and confidence with each other. And wait until she asks you for advice on her offspring.

Readers: what do those of you with children have to say on this issue?
_______________________

Want to read more about challenges during dating? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed today!

Hair.

It can either be a source of pride or vexation. Women typically either love or hate their manes. If a woman’s tresses behave as she desires, she’s very happy. If not, she bemoans her bad hair genes. Sometimes both in the same day.

What does a woman’s hair have to do with dating? A lot, it seems.

How a woman feels about her hair before a date influences her self-image. This affects how she behaves on a date. If she’s having a bad hair day, she doesn’t feel attractive, which impacts her confidence. She doesn’t feel she’s putting her best foot (hair) forward.

If she likes her hair that day, she has a spring in her step, a smile on her face, an isn’t-life-grand attitude.

The style of her hair matters, too. If she has a wash-and-wear cut, she can spontaneously say yes to a walk in the rain or a swim in the lake. However, if she knows it will take hours to craft her locks into something she considers presentable, she’s likely to pass on that convertible ride, no matter how cute the driver. (A gal pal was an hour late for a set-time dinner party because she was doing her hair!)

Some women manage bad hair days with hats, scarves and barrettes. As long as it’s attractive, great. But some seem to lean on these accessories rather than try to wrangle their mop into something more appealing. A midlife pal with thin, limp hair has taken to plopping on an unattractive hat when attending professional events. She doesn’t want to take the time to learn how to style it to be more becoming.

Semi-permanent solutions play into the mix. The amount we spend on braids, weaves, extensions and dye is staggering. Comedian Chris Rock explores the societal complexities of African-Americans’ hair habits in his insightful and hilarious documentary film, “Good Hair.” Rock says, “I knew women wanted to be beautiful, but I didn’t know the lengths they would go to, the time they would spend — and not complain about it.” Beauty, as we all know, is in the eye of the one holding the blow dryer (or paying someone to do it for them).

At some point we had to decide (or perhaps are still deciding), “Should we color or not?” This decision has many ramifications including how one perceives herself, how she wants to be perceived, whether she feels pressured to do something she really doesn’t want to do. If she decides to dye, can she afford to have a professional do it or can she do it herself? Should she stick to her natural color or use this as an opportunity to explore something different? Or perhaps straddle the fence and go for a frosted look that plays up some gray? Or maybe let it go au natural and let whatever nature intended be seen?

Hair length is pondered, too, not only for ease of maintenance (or lack thereof) and how it balances one’s face and body, but for how one is perceived by potential suitors. While lots of women look sexy in short-cropped or even bald heads, I’ve been surprised by the number of men’s online profiles that say their ideal match has long hair. The age-range of these men’s desired match isn’t younger women, as I’d assumed, but midlife women. However, midlife women with below-the-shoulder coifs aren’t that common.

One man told me that he pre-determines a woman’s libido by her hair length. He said below the shoulder meant she was frisky. Between the shoulder and ear, still interested. Above the ear — couldn’t care less about the horizontal tango. I’d never heard anything like this, and many short-styled women tell me he is completely wrong. Yet it made me wonder how many men had a similar imaginary passion indicator.

For myself, I left my locks natural until 10 years ago. I liked the salt-and pepper look until three things happened:

1. the salt began to overtake the pepper;
2. I felt I looked older than I felt; and
3. someone guessed my age at many years older than my actual age.

So vanity and a desire to look as young as I felt motivated me to spend many hours and untold dollars in a colorist’s care.

My hair is below the shoulder, having previously spent a decade with Rod Stewart-length hair. I never really liked the look, and each time I visited my stylist I told her I felt better about myself when I had some curl in my hair. Yet I’d leave her chair with gelled spikes on the top, which I’d go home and wash out. Because I have a lot of thick, coarse hair, I stupidly returned thinking she was one of the rare stylists who knew how to work with my mop. One day, at home after a styling, I cried when I looked in the mirror, so vowed never to return. I’m clear on what image makes me feel the best about myself. However, my stylist has orders to whack off a few inches when I begin to look like those middle-aged women trying to pass for 30.

How do you feel about your hair and how it affects your sense of attractiveness? How have men reacted to your hair? Has a sweetie ever influenced you to do something different with your hair?

________________

Want to understand more about dating after 40? Get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

He’s tall — 6’3-1/2″.

He’s dark — with a perpetual tan.

He’s handsome — drop dead gorgeous.

He has a deep, sexy voice.

He’s funny, humble and adorable.

He’s athletic — a former NFL player.

Our 19-year age difference doesn’t seem to matter.

There’s only one problem…

We’ve never met.

In fact, he has no idea I’m alive.

And there’s that pesky issue of his girlfriend.

Plus, I’m afraid I’m not the only woman who has gone gaga for this man. In fact, not just straight women are entranced. Ellen DeGeneres said she had to meet him once she saw him.

So I guess there’s more than one problem.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, my love interest is an actor. But not the usual George, Brad or Colin. He’s Isaiah Mustafa, “the man your man could smell like” in the 2010 Old Spice commercials.

While we women know that there are few midlife men who have Isaiah’s all-over charm and stunning good looks, we can always admire those god-like specimens from afar. As long as we don’t reject the mere mortals who have other stellar qualities coupled with perhaps a little paunch, receding hairline, or wrinkles. Just as we hope they accept that unlike Jen, Angelina and Halle, we have crow’s feet, muffin tops, and cellulite.

We can pay tribute to modern day Narcissus’s and Aphrodites, but more often the true gods and goddesses come in less striking packages. Their divineness exudes through their kindness, compassion, caring and generosity.

______________

Want to explore what you really want in your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

I once read a study’s findings that men who were married/partnered in midlife and older lived longer than men who weren’t. The researchers explanation? That if a man has a physical ailment, he’ll let it go, not wanting to see a doctor, thinking it will clear up on it’s own. If he lives with a woman who knows about the malady, she insists (nags?) him to see the doctor. Thus, ailments that would get worse in time are nipped in the bud and healed.

As we get older, many of us develop bad habits (like thinking something will clear up on its own). If we live by ourselves, or with a non-friend or non-relative roommate, or have friends that aren’t very forthcoming to give us feedback, it’s easy to start doing things that are unacceptable to others but we think are normal.

This is why some people are in the “undateable” category, no matter how smart or nice they may be.

For example, an older friend has decided she no longer needs to wear deodorant since she mostly just watches TV all day. However, her relatives say being cooped up in a car with her for even short trips requires they roll down the windows because of her BO. Others decide they no longer need to shower every day, or they wear their clothes a day or two longer than they would if someone were around to point out the smell.

It’s not just personal hygiene that can fall prey to bad habits. It can be talking to oneself, which isn’t a problem when one is alone. But when in the presence of another, constant chattering can cause the other to continually ask you to repeat or speak up, when you were really only thinking aloud. This can be annoying to both of you, yet you’re not conscious that you’re babbling semi-audibly.

Or perhaps your housekeeping has been lax since it’s just you at home now. But when your sweetie visits, he has to step gingerly around the dog food you spilled days ago and haven’t gotten around to sweeping up. Or he has to wash a glass for water because all the glassware is in the sink/dishwasher. Or your beloved dog’s hair has matted on the couch so he has to endure fur on his black slacks or cover the couch with a dog-smelling throw.

Maybe your habits have spilled over into your table manners. Since you’re used to eating alone, you’ve become oblivious to your chewing with your mouth open, slurping your drink, smacking your lips, or wiping your nose with the cloth napkin. Or since no one checks your tip, you’ve begun to leave less and less and now think 5% is acceptable.

The list could go on. None of these on their own are deal breakers, but the cumulative affect is that you are unconscious of how your behaviors appear to others.

The cure? I wish adults would more easily enroll in charm or etiquette school, but once one is past school age, few find that acceptable. And it wouldn’t address some of the issues listed above.

So how do you know if you have a habit that could be off putting? My suggestion is to seek input from those you trust to tell you the truth and who have some savvy about these things. I wouldn’t ask a pal who sees nothing wrong with a sinkload of dishes and rampant dust bunnies to assess your housekeeping habits.

What bad habits have you identified in yourself that needed fixing? Or have you had to tell a sweetheart s/he needs to become aware of a habit that has passed the acceptable range?

_____________________

Want to assess your own habits and assets? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

This weekend while traveling I spent time with a gal pal. (I was staying at a hotel nicknamed “The Beau”! How fitting!). We were bemoaning our past relationships and how ignored signs at the beginning ended up dooming the relationship. Sometimes it took only months, but sometimes we’d stuck with someone for years who, in retrospect, showed all the signs of a mis-match from the beginning.

I’d shared that I had created, but not released, a 20-question quiz called the Beau Quotient (BQ). It asks some tough questions and you honestly (if that’s possible when one is besotted) give your beau scores for each question.

I’ve only tested this with myself, so thought I’d ask you, dear readers, to be the guinea pigs. So please download the PDF and think of a current (or recent) sweetie. Answer as honestly as you can. Tell me your refinements to the questions.

(Gentlemen: as usual, this is focused on women. I’d guess the questions would be different if this quiz was designed for girlfriends. So you’re welcome to download it but know it’s not designed to be used across genders.)
_______________________

Want to explore more about whether you should keep dating a guy? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I was asked to contribute five of my best tips for dating after 40 to the new compilation eBooklet, “Tips, Tools, and Resources for the Second Half of Life.”

This 17-page booklet includes 5 brief tips in on each topic:

• “Rightsizing” — Getting Your House In Order Before The Crisis Sets In
• Positive Sibling Communication
• Creative Housing And Lifestyle Choices
• Aging With Grace, Gratitude, And Gusto!
• Successful Dating Over 40
• Self Care
• Share Your Memories
• Keep Your Eyes On The Target
• Financial Clarity
• Easing The Grief Of Life’s Later Losses
• Put Old On Hold
• Midlife Menu
• Nursing Home Care
• Living A Powerful Second Half Of Life

I’m adding this eBooklet to your gift with purchase of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books. Remember, you already get the bonus eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with any purchase.

If you’ve already purchased one of my books and want the new eBooklet, just email me and I’ll send it to you.
_____________________

Get the eBooklet, “Tips, Tools, and Resources for the Second Half of Life,” as well as DG’s 152-page eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with any Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book order.

Today, a question from a reader:

“I’ve been seeing a guy for 6 months and we still can’t get farther than a quick peck on the lips or a quick impersonal hug. I’ve told him I want more intimacy but still nothing. What should I do?”

Many men say it’s up to the woman to set the pace of physical involvement and they don’t want to overstep their bounds. They have learned to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries and don’t want to press those without explicit permission.

He might have been chastised in the past from a woman who took offense at his moving things forward more quickly than she liked. Or even though you stated you were ready, he may not be.

After dating exclusively for three months and physically progressing up to a point, I once asked a beau, “What do you need to feel comfortable having sex together?” He said he needed to feel in love with me. We then discussed that while we were both very fond of each other, neither of us was in love. A few weeks later we discussed how we’d given it 3.5 months and wasn’t happening for either of us, so we decided to shift to being friends. Now he’s a treasured pal.

So you could ask, “What do you need to feel comfortable moving our relationship forward?” Or you could just pull him back to you the next time he pecks you and go in for a more involved kiss — and see what he does!

The point being something has to shift. You want to either progress or move the relationship to friendship.

Readers, what advice do you have for her?
___________

For more on how to talk about difficult issues, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

In my five-plus years of dating, I’ve connected with thousands of men from various dating sites. Some have only been through email, others progressed to a phone call, and I’ve actually met face-to-face with 101 of them.

I’ve never run into any of the ones who didn’t make it to the coffee date.

Until today.

A man attended my seminar who looked vaguely familiar. Then his voice struck a chord. How did I know him? I wracked my brain. Then it struck me clearly — I had talked to him after we went through the eHarmony get-to-know-you process. In fact, he’s one of just a handful who talked to me via Skype video chat so his mannerisms were clearer than if we’d just talked by phone.

It was a bit awkward for me throughout the seminar to know that he and I had toyed with the possibility of dating. But I didn’t get a sense that he recognized me.

Afterward, I asked him if he lived in the nearby town where I thought he was from. He said he did. Bingo. Then I said I had a question for him I’d ask when everyone had cleared the room. He was intrigued. I asked if he’d ever been on eHarmony and he said yes. I shared that we’d chatted one night. He smiled, but didn’t remember the connection. No problem as I was surprised myself since we’d only had one conversation.

So now that we’ve officially met, am I interested in getting to know him better. Not really. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and his comments in the session were intelligent and articulate, but I wasn’t drawn to him. And he made no sign he would be interested in getting to know me better either.

So we will see. I have a rule about not dating clients, and although he’s not technically a client, he is the employee of one. So even if we were both interested in getting to know one another more, it would have to wait until I was done with this 2-month engagement.

Have you ever run into someone you’d met virtually from a dating site but never met in person? Share with us what happened.
____________________

Want to understand more about Internet dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

by guest author, Regina Barreca, Ph.D.

We’ve all had The Bad Boyfriend. He’s the one  you knew you had to leave. In order to get on with life, we need to put him in perspective. Part of that is acknowledging those things for which we should be grateful to him.

That isn’t easy to do.

I decided to help.

__________________

If you want to know more about how and why to break up maturely, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

After several months of daily conversations and a few in-person dates, this out-of-state suitor shared his sentiment. I felt complimented, but at the same time quizzical.

I appreciated that he frequently sought and took my business counsel. But it made me think that he didn’t value a wife very highly. It stalled my desire to take our relationship to the next level. If it weren’t for my business acumen, would he respect me? Would he only engage my opinion if it were business related, and not about other aspects of our relationship?

So what would happen in the future when he retires and no longer needs a live-in savvy business advisor? What role would he relegate to his wife (possibly me)? Would she (I?) be consigned traditional roles of cooking, cleaning, household aesthetics and matrimonial duties? Would she/I be required to look good, keep up the house, but say nothing of consequence?

He said he is cautious about making more romantic advances as he’s afraid he’d lose me as his treasured advisor. Which is actually fine with me as I want a man who is looking for a full-fledged partner, not a mentor with benefits.

When my ex and I met, we were in the same profession but my career was much more established than his, despite him being 14 years older. He’d switched careers shortly before we met. Throughout our 20-year marriage, he’d ask my advice and rarely took it. I’d see him struggle with tasks that I could show him how to accomplish easily. But I learned to keep my mouth shut. In the end, he said that my competency in so many areas made him feel emasculated, even though he said I never rubbed it in his face.

So I am loathe to take on a romantic relationship again with someone who needs my business savvy. It could work to be in business together or help each other, but only if we were at the same level and we were adding our perspective and expertise to the other.

Have you felt that someone you were dating valued you more as an advisor and wanted romance? What did you find were the pros/cons?

_________________

To better understand what you want, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

A friend told me he’s going to buy a house with “Francine,” a woman he’s been seeing for a few years.

“Great!” I said. “You haven’t cohabited with anyone for a long time, so this will be quite a change for you.”

“No. I’ll buy it with her and stay there sometimes, but I’ll keep my place.”

“Really? Why?”

“I don’t want to give up my freedom.”

Later in the conversation, he mentioned “Alice,” another woman who he dated simultaneously when he started dating Francine. It became clear he was still seeing (and sleeping with) her, even though he was going to buy a house with Francine.

I was incredulous. Mustering all my self-control to use a non-judgmental voice, I said, “Based upon what you’ve told me about your relationship with Francine, if I were her I’d think we were in a committed monogamous relationship.”

“We are in a committed relationship.”

“But not a monogamous one. Does she know that?”

“She knows that I’m still in touch with Alice.”

“But not that you’re still sleeping with her?”

“She doesn’t need to know that.”

You could have picked up my chin from the table. “If I were Francine, I would definitely want to know about your relationship with Alice.”

“No you wouldn’t. She’s happy thinking I’m 100% her man. I’m happy. She’s happy. No problem.”

I was speechless. Knowing there was nothing I could say that would dissuade him from his thinking he was in the right, I gave up.

I wonder how many of us have been with a man who claimed to be exclusive and committed and yet he had another woman on the side. I had that experience once. The challenge is, you rarely have enough hard evidence to know for sure.

In fact, this guy told me Francine had found evidence of another woman in his apartment. When she asked about it, he told the truth — up to a point. He didn’t lie, but he didn’t tell everything. She didn’t probe, content with his flimsy explanation.

An author of a book about cheating was asked why people cheat. The answer was, “Because they can.”

It’s bad enough that when we don’t ask the hard questions we live in a fantasyland, some of which is our own making. But the hard reality is it’s doubtful that this philanderer practices safe sex, so is putting these women at risk.

Do we fool ourselves? Do we believe what we want to believe? Do we put up with flimsy excuses because we don’t want to rock the boat, or accuse someone we love of infidelity?

_____________
Want to know how to multi-date with integrity? Get Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player

It continually amazes me to hear the comments some men make during the pre-date stage. You would think they would focus on putting their best foot forward, thinking about how they want to make a great impression.

But no.

Some (many?) seem to have no filter or editor and just spew forth whatever is on their mind.

Case in point, the comments made in this posting’s title. Let me explain.

I have a dozen pictures posted on a dating site. I like all of them (or I wouldn’t have posted them) and they show me in a variety of settings from professional, formal, informal, to fun. I’ve received many, many compliments on my pics.

However, occasionally a man makes contact and we’ll start chatting. Either these men quickly become comfortable with me or they have no aforementioned filter. Then they let some disparaging comment slip.

Does a man really expect me to react positively when he says I look like I’d wear granny panties? Or that I epitomize a schoolmarm? Or that a picture of me in a wide-brimmed straw hat (which I’ve been told numerous times is classy and fetching) looks like I’m the Church Lady?

After perusing all my pics, a man asked, “Which is the real you?” A ridiculous question I thought — they were all the real me. So I asked what he meant. He said, “You look like you put on some pounds since the previous pic,” which I had not. It was the angle of the camera. While I could appreciate that many people post decades old and many-pounds-ago pics, I do not. I guess it was how he asked that was off-putting to me.

Do these men think at all before letting forth whatever crosses their mind?

On the one hand, honesty can be refreshing and appreciated. But honesty is generally valued most when you’ve built trust and have a solid relationship established. Honesty like “You look like you put on some pounds since the previous pic” is not appealing.

What have you had potential dates say to you that was off-putting? How did you handle it?

______________

Want to know other things to look for before agreeing to a first date? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

• You glimpse a man who looks strikingly like a past love.

• In front of you at Starbucks stands a guy wearing your former sweetie’s cologne.

• The song plays on the radio that you slow-danced to with your ex, naked in front of the fire on New Year’s Eve.

Snippet reminders of a past beau waft into your life. You’re transported to a special time with a special man. You linger a moment, smiling, before remembering why you are no longer together.

These memories are apparitions of lingering love. They represent a wonderful feeling of when you were in love and felt love in return.

Depending on where your mind drifts after that glimmer, you will either enjoy these reminders or despise them.

If you use them to jog feelings of love, and know it’s possible to have that warmth again, you see these as omens of what’s ahead for you.

If you are drawn into memories of disrespect, fights, infidelity, or worse, you will curse these emotional triggers. If they cause you sadness because a special person isn’t in your life now, or a longing to reunite with an abusive or unfit partner, then you need to stop that thinking and turn it into thoughts that serve you.

It’s not easy to control our thoughts, especially when emotional triggers cause us to be “out of our mind,” even momentarily. Yet we must control our reactions to these triggers and choose to dwell on thoughts that help us rather than detract from what we want.

You can use haunting thoughts of your ex to hold you back or propel you forward. It’s your choice.

How have you framed recurring triggers from exes — as positive signs or negative?
________________

Want to understand other aspects of post-breakup situations? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

“Crush” sounds like a school kid, doesn’t it? Remember those feelings of infatuation, exemplified by your hanging out at the crushee’s locker or outside the gym as he left practice? Or perhaps you were like me, not-so-subtly keeping score for the team on which the object of your desire played.

In high school, I gave hand-knitted scarves to my unrequited loves. Most were never worn. I baked birthday cakes for my make-believe beaus. Once, the oven rack was tilted, so the cake baked lopsided. Discovering this while removing it from the oven, I crafted a creative fix — raising the lower end with donuts secreted underneath, hidden by frosting. The recipient never mentioned the unusual composition of the cake.

At this point in your life, this seems so, well, childish, right? Crushes are for the emotionally immature, aren’t they?

Well, no.

Crushes can happen at any age.

The dictionary defines crush as “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.” So this feeling is for someone not likely to return your ardor.

For example, a few years ago I developed a crush on my happily married ophthalmologist. He’s tall, fit, cute (with a cleft in his chin!), smart, successful (after all, he’s a doctor!) and funny. What’s not to like? Oh, yeah, there’s that part about being married. Ugh. But that didn’t keep me from ensuring I always looked my best and giggling at his funny comments when in the exam chair. Or fantasizing about what if he wasn’t married.

There are low-level crushes and intense crushes. The former is what I have on my auto mechanic’s office manager. Do I obsess about this green-eyed, divorced, midlife cutie? No. But I make sure to put on makeup and stylish jeans whenever I take in my car for repair.

An intense crush is when you drive by his house on the weekend hoping to catch him outside or see if his car is in the driveway. Or you just happen to be in his office building when you know he’s going to lunch. Or you join his gym even though it’s miles out of your way and plant yourself there during his workout times. That’s akin to stalking.

The positives of crushes are they rekindle your feelings of aliveness and romantic possibility. The downsides include spending inordinate time and energy focusing on someone who is most likely never going to return your enthusiasm. You are setting yourself up for disappointment if not downright humiliation.

Luckily, my crushees have either ignored my desperately craving their attention, or have graciously accepted my overtures without encouraging me. Perhaps that’s part of why they earned my adoration — they embodied kindness.

Have you had midlife crushes? How did you get over obsessing on the unattainable? Or if you’ve been the object of someone else’s crush, how have you discouraged them graciously?

________________

Want to know more about infatuations? Download your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Our Valentine’s contest judges found it difficult to choose a winner because there were so many good entries. I wish I had more prizes to award! I’m sure there will be other contests in the future as I seem to now be getting a regular stream of prize offerings.

But the winner — by a nose — was Mark’s entry:

Do look at her and drink her in and realize that somehow, miraculously, she’s even more incredibly cute and sexy right now than she’s ever been. Oh my gosh, if you weren’t in a public place, you’d ravish her!

Don’t notice that she has a few extra pounds or a bit of gray in her hair or a wrinkle or two around her eyes. That just means she is where you are and she understands life the way you do, the way someone much younger can’t.

I guess it appealed to our middle-aged sensibilities! Thank you for all the creative, funny, sweet and touching entries.

My pal and fellow blogger Ronnie Ann Ryan of “It’s Never Too Late for Love” is hosting a blog-a-thon featuring guest bloggers this week. She’s featured my posting, “Ideas for Women Who Are Sweetie-less for Valentine’s Day,” as the first for this Valentine’s week. Here’s the link. Check back every day to see what her other guests have written.

Again several suppliers approached me with some fabulous prizes. I only have to mention their offer and they’ll provide great prizes to give one of you — but you have to enter to win!

The contest is for your best example of “This Valentine’s Day: Do This, Not That.” For example, “Do feed her fancy. Don’t decide on delivery.” My example would be “Do take her to watch her favorite team play. Don’t give her just a cardboard cutout of one of the players.” Or “Do give her special white wine glasses as that’s all she drinks. Don’t give her red wine glasses because you want the proper glass when you drink your red wine at her house.” See other examples.

What can you win?

• From The Body Shop, a his and her “Redemption Kit” package (valued at approx. $110)

• Love Etc. Eau de Toilette
• Love Etc. Body Butter
• Love Etc. Body Wash
• White Musk for Men Eau de Toilette
• White Musk for Men Aftershave Balm
• White Musk for Men Hair & Body Wash

• From 1800Flowers.com, a beautiful bouquet of roses and Peruvian lilies (pictured). (Their Valentine’s Day special includes free weekday shipping collection and red roses collection.) ($45 value)

• Your choice of any of my eBooks. (Priceless!)

Contest rules:

• Submit your best example of “This Valentine’s Day: Do This, Not That” in a comment on this post.
• Deadline: midnight EST Feb. 14, 2010.
• If you win, you’ll need to supply a non-PO Box address for the prizes to be sent to you.

Valentine’s Day can be emotionally brutal for some people. A friend shared that the holiday celebrating love fell that right after her divorce was final. She was feeling lonely and unloved and was unprepared for her emotional response to watching coworker after coworker get flowers, balloons and gifts delivered to work. It hit her hard.

So to help you get through any negative emotions Valentine’s Day conjures up for you, I decided to provide you with a date — with me!

Or at least with my books.

To encourage you to curl up with someone/thing warm, fun, witty, insightful (humility has never been my strong suit), I’m offering you a very special limited time Valentine’s Day deal: 50% off any of my books. Buy one, two or all — you’ll get half off. Tell your friends. Or buy them as gifts for your midlife, single friends! They’ll love you even more for it.

I’m sure you haven’t read them all yet — have you?

If you want me to autograph a copy to you (or your friends), order the printed version of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? I’ll get it in the mail within 24 hours of the order.

And remember, you get a copy of the eBook Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with any book purchase.

The secret discount code to use at checkout: HALFOFF.

(Fine print: Cannot be used in conjunction with other discounts. Offer ends at midnight 2/14/10.)

All Dating Goddess books

If you’ve scanned any online profiles, you’ve probably been shocked at how poorly written 98% of them are. It seems few people can 1) write a coherent, typo-less sentence, and 2) describe themselves accurately and compellingly.

Enter a new service: ProfileWiz. Their press release describes it as:

“… a new service that produces a 500-word personalized dating profile in less than five minutes. The site poses 22 questions and presents possible answers in the forms of photos. Simply select the photo that answers such queries as “What sparks a conversation with you?” or “If you had an extra hour today, what would you do?”

“When completed, the quiz produces a written profile that illuminates the user’s personality, dating preferences and desires. The profile is fully customizable, as ProfileWiz offers interchangeable sentences to describe key attributes which can be selected or modified by the user to reflect their unique tastes, mood, humor and attitude. Like having your own, personal Cyrano de Bergerac to pen your profile, the site is capable of writing more than 64.1 trillion possible combinations to ensure the profile is both unique and engaging.”

I tried it. The output actually is pretty good. You can customize any part, writing in your own words or clicking through their suggestions for the heading or specific paragraphs. Here’s what the site generated for my first paragraph:

“Neat, Intelligent, Clean, Easy-going girl here… (See what I did there?) I’m also a pretty fun to hang out with and, perhaps you can tell, I don’t take life too seriously. There’s a part of me that’s really calm and peaceful. I really like getting close to nature and exploring in the great outdoors! As for my take on life, I’m a natural organiser and thrive on being busy. I get a real kick out of having lots to do.”

Since I would never call myself a “girl,” I could change that. Nor would I use initial capitals after a comma, or put an explanation point after “outdoors,” but I am a writer and editor.

And it sounds like I’m a granola gal, hiking up muddy hills every weekend. Nope, not me. My heels get stuck in the mud! So I could take out the emphasis on that, and in fact, can retake the assessment to see what it would generate if I chose fewer outdoor photos.

You can export your profile to easily plunk into any dating site.

A nit to pick, which I’ve reported to the developers, is a few of their questions don’t match what is generated. For example, it asks to select an image of a great date, so I selected bumper cars which I think are fun. But the profile translated that to “my idea of a good first date is something a bit light-hearted and wacky.” Actually, my first date ideal is someplace where we can talk and interact, which we couldn’t do on bumper cars. That would be good for a second date, not a first date.

And of course it generalizes since the profile is based on your responses to 22 questions. So when I chose a foreign beach locale as my dream life, the profile said, “My dream life? Simple really — sun, sea, sand. Not a care in the world. Care to join me on my desert island?” Well, my dream life is being a citizen of the world, not only living on a beach.

It’s written in British English, so if you’re in the US, you’ll have to take out extra “u”s and other British spellings. Another nit-pick — for some reason some sentences don’t have a space after the period. Odd.

But generally, I think the text generated is much, much, much better than what most folks post on sites. So if you feel you’re writing impaired, try it, then change the parts that don’t reflect you accurately. You profile will stand out among the dreck!

ProfileWiz is offering the first 1,000 people to visit http://www.profilewiz.com/18001 a free, completely personalized profile.

________________

Want to know more about making online dating sites work for you? Download your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

A friend invited me to lunch with her and her 62-year-old sister. “Sis” is dating, although she admitted to only having one date a year, so I use the term “dating” loosely.

Sis shared about her one 2009 date. She’d met the guy online, talked a few times by email and phone, and felt they had enough in common to meet for lunch. Their conversation began pleasantly, until about 20 minutes passed when he said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I don’t sleep with women on the first date.”

She was incensed, threw $20 on the table to cover her lunch and stalked out without saying a word. When he called a few days later to ask what he’d said that was offensive, she responded, “It’s clear there’s no reason to waste time explaining. Don’t call again,” and hung up.

My friend asked what I would have done. I said, “Assuming he hadn’t been uncouth up to that point, I would have said, ‘I’m so glad we’re on the same page!’ and laughed it off.”

I asked Sis why she was offended. “He made an assumption that I was trolling for sex. Assumptions like that are unforgivable.”

“I wouldn’t have had that interpretation,” I responded. “Was there other conversation that suggested sex?”

“No, not prior to that.”

Based on what she’d shared, I felt her response was over the top. In fact, I felt she made assumptions that weren’t warranted. We didn’t further explore the scenario, but I’m thinking she had some previous experience with a man (or men) who expected sex on the first meeting, or accused her of wanting the same.

The lessons for us all are:

1. If you get upset over a dating encounter, later check with a friend to see if s/he thinks you overreacted. If so, identify the trigger and where in the past you felt similarly. Most likely your reaction has little to do with the recent experience, and more about something you thought was unjust in the past. You will continue to react inappropriately and repel potential mates until you heal the past, through inner work, either alone or with a counselor.
2. If you are on the receiving end of an overreaction, check with an opposite sex friend to see if you might have unknowingly pushed a button commonly shared by that gender. Or see if your pal thinks what you did warranted the response you received. If your pal thinks your behavior was fine, then write it off to your date being triggered and it had nothing really to do with you. Know that this person has some issues they need to work on and probably best that you not be in the picture while they do.

Have you had someone on a date get incensed with something you thought was innocent?

___________________

To understand more about what can happen on an initial encounter, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

In the early getting-to-know you stage of dating, it’s not unusual for there to be some miscommunication. However, how one handles these hiccups tells you a lot about the person’s thinking. This is a good thing, as if their thinking is 180-degrees off from yours, you learn early that you aren’t a match.

Today I received a call from a nice potential suitor, with whom I’d exchanged a few emails and had a good, lengthy first call last week. He is intelligent, a good conversationalist, articulate, and clear on what he’s looking for. At the end of that first conversation, he said he liked our conversation very much and wanted to meet me in the next few weeks when he visits some clients in my area, a 2-hour drive from him.

I said that was a great idea. We agreed that if one of us had the itch to call the other in the interim, to feel free to dial the other’s digits.

Clear, right? Transparent, right? We both thought so.

His call today was prompted by another women from the same site “chewing him out.” After an initial conversation with her, he also left it that he’d call when he arranged his calendar to be in her area. In the second call, however, she chastised him for not calling sooner nor arranging to meet her immediately. He was taken aback.

He was concerned that he might not be meeting my expectations either and didn’t want to blow it with me. I explained that I was fine with how we left it. Had he pressed for an immediate meeting, he might have appeared a bit desperate. I assured him that if he was as clear with her as he was with me, she was being needy, not him being neglectful.

After the initial shock when I’ve received calls similar to the one he received, I’ve been grateful that the man showed his true colors so early on. I consider it ducking a big bullet as we know how much time and emotional energy we can invest in someone who seems like they might be a good match for us. By seeing the mismatch early on it saved us a lot of energy.

I was impressed at this man’s taking responsibility for ensuring he and I had the same understanding. I think it takes a strong person to broach what could be an awkward conversation.

When I was beginning to date five years ago, I now see how my neediness and loneliness could have prompted expectations like the woman who’d chewed out my new friend. I didn’t know how relationships evolved and thought that if a man was interested in me, he should be pursuing me, damnit! And fast! And if we didn’t quickly go to talking every day, I thought he was a player or just not that into me.

Now I realize that relationships take time to build. If a man starts calling me every day and we haven’t even met — that’s a red flag. Whenever that’s happened, it’s spelled trouble. And if I expect him to call every day and then chew him out for not doing so, something’s wrong — and generally it’s with my expectations.

Have you had someone chastise you for not meeting their expectations early in dating? If so, did you continue to see them or call it quits? Have you ever chewed out someone for not behaving like a sweetie when you’re really just getting to know each other?
___________________

Want to know more about the ins and outs of getting to know multiple people simultaneously? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Dear readers: I was asked to write an article for a publication about 10 tips on how to be successful in dating after 40, so thought I’d share it with you all, too.

You’ve been single for a while. You would like to have a special man in your life. But how?

Women reentering the dating scene after a long absence need to first examine if they are ready to date again. After all, not only is there the possibility of being swept off your feet by a romantic, loving man, there’s the chance of being swept over the cliff of heartbreak. Here are some tips on how to ensure you enjoy your adventure of dating after 40, not dread the next coffee date.

• Examine your expectations
  Although you say you want a tall, dark, handsome, loving, articulate, successful man, very few of them look like George Clooney.  Most have at least one of the following: receding hairline (if any hair at all), paunch, some “baggage” from past relationships, kids still needing some guidance and perhaps loans, and some less-than-stellar housekeeping habits. Know what you can live with and what are deal breakers. An occasional sock left on the floor is tolerable – his 35-year-old son living with Dad because he’s waiting for his band’s big break is not.

• Have courage
  It takes courage to get your cute on to meet someone for a first coffee date. There’s always the possibility he will leave after 10 minutes explaining he’s just not attracted to you (as I had happen once). Ouch! But it says more about him than you. In my experience of going out with 101 men in five years (this was not a life goal!), about half of the first dates don’t result in a second. So you have to have the courage to keep putting yourself out there if you are clear you want a special man in your life again.

• Assess your assets
  If you have been out of the dating scene awhile, it’s easy to think, “Who would possibly think I’m attractive?” The definition of attractiveness varies with the person. Some men find a dazzling smile trumps a few extra pounds. Others find long legs or a hour-glass figure outshine a few wrinkles. Discover your own assets. And dress to them. Get a makeover at a nearby department store. Tell the personal shopper you want some date clothes — and wear them! Sometimes it takes others to see assets that we mistakenly call liabilities.

• Be willing to go on “practice dates.”
  The first few dates with strangers are nerve-wracking. You’re wondering, “How will I greet him?” “What if he leaves after a few minutes?” “What if he tries to kiss me?” “What if he’s odious?” So go out with a few men who you aren’t overwhelmingly attracted to but seem interesting. You’ll have your wits about you more than if you are agog over someone. Keep the date short — ideally just coffee. You don’t want to waste either of your time, but you may meet a nice guy.

• Vet him before agreeing to even coffee.
  You can avoid many dud dates by talking to a potential suitor a few times on the phone before agreeing to even coffee. If you feel you’ve had enough practice dates and are only interested in meeting men with a potential future, then learn to hear cues he’s worth meeting. Men disclose a lot by emails and on the phone. If he talks 90% of the time and doesn’t ask you a question (or the question is, “What are you wearing?”), you know you don’t need to meet. He doesn’t know how to be in conversation — let alone relationship — with someone.

• See every encounter as a possible treasure.
  Several dozen of the 101 men have remained pals — in some cases, treasured friends. I wouldn’t have crossed paths with these men any other way except we were in the dating pool. So if you meet a lovely man and after a few dates just don’t feel any romantic connection, you don’t have to sever the relationship. You can ask if he’d be open to your being friends. Some will say yes, others no.

• Be “in wonder” if he does something you think odd.
  Some behaviors may be just odd. An executive licked his knife at a white-table-clothed restaurant. Another professional ate his salad with his fingers. One emailed me that I was “the one” but he hadn’t bothered to contact me in months. I often scratch my head, saying, “What is he thinking?” It’s no surprise to you that men and women think and act differently. Expecting a man to act like you and your gal pals is setting yourself up for disaster. So instead of being judgmental, try to be curious and “in wonder.” Think, “Let me imagine a scenario where this would be considered appropriate.” Of course, if you are wondering that too often, probably time to let this one go.

• If he’s not a jerk, agree to another encounter.
  First dates don’t often end with you both enamored with the other. But love can grow if you give it a little time. So if he wasn’t a jerk, odious, or had other deal breakers, agree to another encounter if he asks. But make sure it’s reasonably short – a walk, museum visit, lunch or dinner. I’ve congratulated myself when a man wanted a second date that would have taken all day and I would have felt trapped, yet I insisted on something shorter. In a second date, one lets their hair down a bit more, so deal-breaker behaviors or information come out (“I still live with my wife/mother”).

• Beware of falling too fast
  If you’ve been without a partner for a while, it’s easy to fall for the first nice, attentive guy who comes along. Resist, as his niceness may have nothing to do with his interest in you, but just how he behaves with every woman. He was taught chivalry, which is endearing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s showing you that he thinks you’re special. Loneliness causes us to misinterpret politeness for attraction. Keep your heart in check until enough time has passed that he’s shown his caring for you multiple times.

• Keep the attitude of adventure.
  Just like a treasure hunt, you never know when or where you’ll uncover a prized gem. It’s easy to get discouraged (after 101 men!), but know that you are learning a lot about yourself, men, and what you want along the way. Just like an explorer, you’ll find lots of dead ends. But if you are committed to your goal of finding a special sweetie, you can’t give up. And you’ll be amazed at how having an adventuresome spirit is alluring to many men!

All of these concepts are discussed in more detail in Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 13-book series. You’ll enjoy your “date” with the Dating Goddess by curling up with each of them.

All Dating Goddess books

Junk in the trunk. Flat. Round. Taut. Soft. Sagging. Dimpled. Some have shelves on the top, others underneath. You could bounce a quarter off a few. So many sizes and shapes.

Songs have been written about buns. “Baby’s got back” is a high compliment in some circles.

People can be derrière devotees. Caboose connoisseurs. Ass aficionados.

So much so that they mention their preferences in their dating profiles. I’m told some women feature their keister in their profile pics.

I had an epiphany about rumps in exercise class the other day. Being tall, I purposefully stand near the back. Which opens up a sea of keisters jiggling — or not — before me. I observe, like a scientist, the various sizes, shapes and textures.

Unless you’ve seen photos of your behind, most of us have only a rough sense of how our tush looks to others. We know if it is large or small, flat or round, but most of this assessment is from the side or at an awkward angle. Unless you have a 3-way mirror in your house, you only occasionally see your heinie the way others do when you are in a store dressing room.

Many of us don’t think about our bum a lot, unless we’re trying on a new garment or have a hard time zipping pants that fit fine when you wore them a few months ago. The common question, “Do these make my butt look big?” is posed because we are concerned about how we look from the back, and have few opportunities to see for ourself.

I’ve heard women say a man isn’t attractive because he had “no butt.” A friend dated his last girlfriend largely because she had junk in her trunk. I find it interesting that a body part that we seldom see for ourself has such allure to others.

Do you find yourself drawn to specific posterior types? So much so that your fondness overshadows other characteristics? Or have you been turned off by less or more in the buns department? Do you feel your own tushie is a liability or an asset?
_________________

Want to articulate what is alluring about you? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

My 55-year-old successful gal pal was recounting her 5-year dating experience. She bemoaned her encounters with men who were not comparable economically or emotionally. It is a common lament for successful midlife women. The wail is, “Where are the men like us?”

We shared our various successes and frustrations with finding available men organically and online dating. We agreed it was pretty easy to get a date with someone online.

The challenge is to get a date with someone with whom we want a second date and who feels the same. Most often, neither of you wants a second date. Sometimes you wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but he doesn’t feel the same. Or he’d like to see you again, but you’re clear there’s no appeal for you.

My friend said she’d begun to explore It’s Just Lunch and Dinner for Six, but wasn’t willing to pay $5000 for 10 dates — $500/date seemed extreme. When she queried the sales rep for one of these on how many over-50 men were enrolled in her area, the rep wouldn’t say. She was told there were 200 local men members, and she did the math. If 100 of them were over 50, how many of them might be a reasonable match? She decided she wasn’t willing to pay such a large fee for the miniscule chance one of these 100 men would be compatible with her.

She’s tried hanging out in upscale bars and had men approach her. But none resulted in a date.

Dating her clients isn’t a possibility. She can try to date friends of friends and find possible dates through chance encounters doing errands or hobbies. She was considering attending over-50 singles events, but she’s shy so would feel more comfortable doing this with a pal. She’ll also try taking classes that may draw men at her level, and attending some more professional events.

I’m told educated, accomplished women of all ages face this situation. If a man is as well educated or accomplished as she is, he has other deal breakers. Are we pickier than other women? Perhaps. We don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t meet basic standards. Yes, there are plenty of good men who may not make as much money as an accomplished woman, or who may not be as educated. For some women, that’s not a problem. But for some, it is.

How have you met available men of equal station in life as you? How have you dealt with a wide disparity between your accomplishments and men you’ve dated? If it hasn’t been a problem, how did you make peace with the differences?

Have you considered how much testosterone impacts our dating lives? And for that matter, our lives in general? Since both men and women have testosterone, I was interested in Public Radio International’s “This American Life” show called “Testosterone” last year. It was a fascinating listen.

A man who stopped producing testosterone due to a medical treatment described life without the hormone. Unlike his normal, testosterone-filled life, he saw everything as beautiful. His objectivity sharpened. His criticalness declined. His desire for anything — food, work, sex — reduced dramatically.

In another interview, Griffin Hansbury, who started life as a woman and now lives as a man, shared his experience of taking massive testosterone injections seven years ago. He explains how testosterone changed his views on nature vs. nurture.

Griffin said the most overwhelming feeling was increased libido and desire for sex. His mind flooded with aggressive pornographic images when seeing even mildly attractive women. Everyday things turned erotic. Erections came easily. He said he felt like a monster that he couldn’t control. His inner feminist dialog commonly fought with his macho instincts.

What if, as Griffin explains, men are hard pressed to control these actions? Griffin has the advantage of having lived life as a woman and knows how it feels to be on the receiving end. He has sensitivity to feeling disrespected and treated like a sexual object. Yet with all that insight, he still found he was challenged not to think obscene thoughts about women he encountered on the street or subway. So if he fought the thoughts, what chance does a man have who isn’t so aware?

This program helped explain why man some men do what they do. Women often denigrate men’s behavior — especially around unseemly sexual comments or approaches. “What a jerk.” “What a sleezeball.” “What a dirty old man.” How about: “This man clearly doesn’t understand what is socially appropriate.”

Smart men learn to not express their sexual thoughts aloud in inappropriate settings. Yet some cannot control the physical sensations they get from being around a woman who turns them on. They can only stay seated with a napkin on their lap for so long.

Midlife men have candidly shared they are afraid they will lose their libido. Some have already experienced it slipping. They have lived with continual sexual thoughts for so long, they’ve allowed it to define themselves and their masculinity. Without ongoing sexual images, they feel less virile. They seem to be so happy to have sexual thoughts and reactions, they can’t help themselves from sharing them with us!

Does this forgive men who express their sexual desires inappropriately? Does it suggest grace for those who press for sex too early. No. However, it does explain why some men behave the way they do. They aren’t socially savvy enough to realize how off-putting it is. Perhaps they’ve been schooled by porno flicks to believe that women like this. After all, the men in the videos always seem to get the hot babe, right?

So while I’m not saying to accept inappropriate sexual talk or behavior from anyone, those with mid to higher levels of testosterone seem to have sex on their mind more often than those with lower levels. And women with higher testosterone levels can behave similarly to men with high levels, too.

What’s your take on how testosterone can inadvertently run some behaviors? How do you manage it if you have a higher level, or if someone you’re dating has a higher level and is always expressing their sexual interest to you?

_______________

Want to understand more about what makes men do what they do? Order your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors today!

We just created a new video, “Avoiding Dud Dates After 40″ based on real-life experiences I’ve had with men — before I even met them! We tried to make t fun. See what you think. If you like it, would you do me the favor of sharing it through Facebook, Twitter, etc.?

Video produced by www.videoproductionprimeau.com

______________

To learn how to vet men before agreeing to even coffee, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

A gal pal recently asked me why I thought a man would go poof after expressing great interest in a woman. The obvious answers would be:

• he was a player and said he was very interested in every woman
• something happened for him to lose interest (e.g., she said/did something that was off-putting; he got more interested in someone else; he got busy with work).

However, I think there is another, less commonly discussed possibility:

He decided that if the relationship worked out, he would have to change his life patterns too much and he liked his life pretty much as it was, thank you very much. Even with the carrot of regular sex, it would be too much adjusting to get to that point. And besides, if a new relationship would be anything like his former one(s), he wouldn’t be getting that regular sex for very long before he’d be putting up with an unhappy, nagging woman who wanted him to change for her to be happy.

The other day I’d learned that a long-time single friend had finally found a beau whom she dated exclusively for six months. However, he told her last week that he’d decided to focus on his competitive bridge (the card game) playing and therefore wouldn’t have time for her. They broke up.

So this man decided that playing bridge was more of a priority than a relationship with my friend.

Keep in mind that my friend is an attractive, loving, intelligent, caring, woman, not some controlling, nagging shrew. But I have no idea if their relationship was contentious or not. For the sake of this discussion, let’s assume they had an enjoyable time together, they liked hanging out together, and they liked enough of the same activities to make them compatible. But bridge wasn’t something they shared. So he decided he had to choose.

We could say this was a sign he just wasn’t that into her. Or it could be a sign he was clear what he wanted, and spending time in a relationship wasn’t as important to him as mastering the game of bridge. I don’t judge him — I think it’s best to not try to lie to your partner about your priorities and make him/her think you are willing to invest time in the relationship when you aren’t.

In Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? we explore are you ready for a relationship? Are you willing to invest time in growing the relationship? And if you know you only want something casual, do you clearly communicate that to potential suitors, so those looking for a LTR don’t waste their time and their heart in you?

And if you know you have a hobby or work that you want to focus on, don’t pretend you will make the time for the relationship when really you won’t.

Have you ever broken up with someone when you realized you’d rather be spending time on a hobby, sport or work than with them? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of this decision? If so, how did you feel?

_____________________

Not sure if you’re really ready to date? Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? will help you decide.

I’ve been approached by the PR firm for the new movie “It’s Complicated” offering prizes for you, my readers! Additionally, the PR firm for K-Y Brand “Yours+Mine” and “Intense” personal lubricants offered prizes. Plus I’ll add copies of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? and some Flirt-O-Grams. So we are going to combine the prizes for the winners of the first Dating Goddess contest!

To follow the theme of the “It’s Complicated” movie, the contest will be for the best stories about attraction to a former love. You can write up to 500 words telling us the story of your attraction and what happened (please keep it clean). Write your entry here in a comment. Tell your friends!

The prizes are:

First place:

• $50 Visa gift card
• “It’s Complicated” tote bag filled with an apron, T-shirt, blanket/throw and the official soundtrack
• Autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
• K-Y Brand “Yours+Mine” and “Intense”
• “Aggressively Single” Flirt-O-Gram™ 25-pack

Second place:

• “It’s Complicated” tote bag filled with an apron, T-shirt
• Autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
• K-Y Brand “Yours+Mine” and “Intense”
• “Aggressively Single” Flirt-O-Gram™ 25-pack

Third place:

• “It’s Complicated” tote bag filled with an apron and T-shirt
• Autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
• “Seize the Day” Flirt-O-Gram™ 10-pack

Contest rules:

• Deadline is January 15, 2010.
• 500-word limit on entries. All entries must be submitted here in the Comments to this posting. Put “Contest Entry” at the top so we know you’re not just commenting on someone else’s entry. Inappropriate entries will be deleted.
• Anyone can enter.
• You can submit more than one entry.
• Winners will be emailed for mailing address to send prizes.

_______________________

Don’t want to enter but still want the prizes? Order your own Flirt-O-Grams™ and/or Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

I mean this literally — not are you internally talking yourself out of going on a date.

For example, recently I had two conversations with a new guy. About 30 minutes into the second conversation, I said I needed to get back to work. He asked if I’d like to get together. I said, “Sure, we could meet for coffee. What part of town do you live in?”

He responded that he lived near an upscale shopping center that I like to frequent.

“Great. We could meet there.”

He then launched into a 10-minute rant about how he wasn’t into expensive dinners, he rarely went to nice restaurants, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam.

I had suggested coffee, not dinner, and the more he talked and repeated himself, the less I wanted to meet him.

Finally, I repeated that I needed to go. He said he’d like to meet me but he would leave it to me to contact him if I wanted to get together. I politely said okay and hung up.

It was not only his assuming I was after an expensive dinner when I’d clearly stated coffee, but his repetition was irritating. Then there was the fact that I do like nice dinners once in a while and I knew I wouldn’t really be happy with someone who was allergic to white tablecloths.

I’m sure I have talked myself out of dates as well. The challenge is we have no idea what we said that was off-putting to the other.

Some say email and phone filtering is effective as it reveals mis-matched characteristics quickly without going to the trouble of actually meeting. But part of me wonders if we aren’t limiting our choices by judging someone on a sliver of information. On the other hand, these conversations often telegraph values and preferences enough that you know you are too different to be a match.

Have you been interested in someone until they talked too much? Have you felt someone’s interest wane as you talked on the phone? Do you think weeding someone out over the phone is effective, or do you give them the benefit of the doubt and meet anyway?

_________________

Learn more of what to look for before agreeing to meet someone by ordering your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

Got a midlife dater (or would-be dater) on your holiday gift list? Want something special that will add value to your loved one’s life, not get shoved in a drawer or closet? Or maybe you want someone to give YOU a useful and memorable gift!

Give one (or more!) of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™ books and get a bonus eBook with each book purchase! So you really get two books for the price of one. The bonus book is Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts. Download instructions are in every book.

If you order Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? I’ll happily autograph it to the recipient if you provide the name. A personalized autographed book is always a prized possession.

There are deep discounts for quantities so order a bunch!

Or if you want a fun stocking stuffer, Flirt-O-Grams™ are perfect. The “Seize the Day” package of 10 is only y $4.95; the “Aggressively Single” package of 25 is only $9.95.

We can send your order directly to your loved ones, or send it to you to wrap and give. Just tell us what you want in the notes section of your order, or drop us an email.

Act now to make sure your treasured gift is received on time.

Details

You’ve heard people utter this phrase about a hapless dater — or would-be dater. Perhaps you’ve said it yourself after a vexing encounter with a single. And of course, it can be said about either gender.

The speaker usually says it after an unpleasant interaction, or even hearing about someone’s clueless behavior. I thought it myself recently after a potential suitor’s second call, during which this accomplished, intelligent man was argumentative and condescending.
But whenever I hear someone matter-of-factly say, “No wonder he (or she) is single,” I think, “But I’m single. Just because someone is still single doesn’t mean s/he is clueless, offensive, or uncouth.”

I’d guess no one considers him/herself clueless, offensive, uncouth or any unflattering adjective. We justify our behavior as being appropriate based on our logic. The man I deemed argumentative probably thought he was just pointing out the flaws in my thinking. The know-it-all at Thanksgiving dinner probably thought he was just imparting his knowledge to those who didn’t know what he knew — even though others shared their knowledge about the topic. The person who gets defensive and quarrelsome says she’s just standing up for herself.

Can these behaviors cause someone to remain single longer than they’d like? Absolutely. Yet, I see these same behaviors in coupled people too. So did they become this way after they married? Or did their sweetie just learn to live with them? Who knows.

The fewer obnoxious behaviors you have, the easier it is to find someone who wants to be with you. So while I believe in working to reduce irritating behaviors, I also know it’s impossible to eliminate them all. With focus, you can be on your best behavior for a while, but at some point you feel accepted enough to let your guard down and some of the old ways seep to the surface.

If you are brave, you can ask close friends to point out behaviors that they think might be contributing to your still being single. This takes some thick skin and the ability to hear negative feedback without getting defensive or angry. When I’ve had the courage to ask and fully listen, I’m reminded I still have work to do to monitor some of my off-putting behaviors.

It’s easy to think that the reason you are still single is you just haven’t found the right person. Yet, maybe you’re doing some things that keep the right person at bay.

Have you ever asked your friends for feedback on what may be keeping you single? If so, what have you learned?

__________________

Got a midlife dater on your holiday gift list? Any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books make perfect gifts! I’m happy to autograph Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? to the recipient and send it directly to her.

May I Kiss You?

My friend Mike Domitrz is the founder of The Date Safe Project™, and author of May I Kiss You? and Help! My Teen Is Dating. In familiarizing myself with his work, I was taken not only by his commitment to helping kids and young adults to date more respectfully, but with the application of his ideas to midlife daters.

I’ve found there are many assumptions in dating over 40. The first kiss is one area. Rarely has a man asked if he could kiss me. Many times a man has kissed me when, if he had asked, I would not have said “yes.”

But some people think asking takes all spontaneity and passion out of a kiss. Yet when a man has asked, my respect for him goes up considerably. He is showing me respect, not assuming. Some of the most awkward moments in dating have been when a man I don’t want to kiss me does so and I have to quickly extricate myself.

Mike takes it beyond kissing, and says each stage of intimacy should involve permission — no matter who initiates it. By making sure there is explicit permission, it creates more trust, respect and reduces misunderstandings. By asking before moving to the next stage, it gives both parties a chance to pause for a moment and consider what advancing means to them and if they are ready for it.

You may be saying, “This is fine for high school kids. But we are grown adults. We can say no or stop at any time.” Yes, we can. But when you are caught up in the moment, you don’t always consider, “What will moving the next level really mean? How will my expectations change? Is this something I really want to do, or am I caught up in how good it feels?” I think adults are sometimes only slightly more mature about this than young adults.

Putting the onus on the woman to stop the action is not respectful. I’ve had men try to talk me out of my “no” which has felt very disrespectful. Wouldn’t a man want to have a woman who is fully on board with raising the intimacy, rather than one who is just going with the flow? (I know some men will say, “Either is fine!”)

How has your regard changed for a man who asks permission? Have you felt disrespected when a man has just assumed escalating to the next level is fine, putting you in the difficult position of stopping the action?

_________________

Want to understand more about what you need before becoming intimate? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

No, I am not going to tell you to wear low-cut tops, skin-tight clothes nor mini-skirts. Although that is hot on some women for some men. But that’s not the tip I want to tell you.

I’m going to share something I’ve stumbled on in my dating adventure. It may be old hat to you. I’ve been surprised at how universal the effect is on most men, even married pals.

First, though, you may think it odd for me, a woman who is far from svelte to be sharing a tip on how to be hot. But part of the coolness of this tip is that it works with nearly any body type. I’ve learned that “hot” has less to do with one’s body but more with how one carries oneself.

That’s not the tip. But it’s part of it.

People most often list “confidence” as a quality they want in a mate. Many men find women sexy who have good posture, a confident walk, look them in the eye, smile easily and speak assuredly. If a woman also dresses like she likes her body — no matter what its size and shape — many men find that appealing. In fact, a hint of cleavage is much more seductive to many men than showing a lot. A 6″ slit in the front of a skirt showing just a little thigh is much more enticing to many men than a mini-skirt or a high slit.

But the tip I want to share is most appealing when combined with all of the last paragraph. I’ve gotten the most “you’re hot” comments from pals and dates when I’ve worn … patterned hose. I had no idea this was such a turn on to men!

Tasteful, large-paned fishnet-type hose rarely goes unnoticed. You can have subtle fishnets, stripes, lace or herringbone, but the bolder the pattern the better — at least on the hotness meter. But don’t go into garish, wild colors and patterns — those reduce hotness. Men also seem to really like hosiery with a seam up the back, as long as your skirt is above the knee so they can see and appreciate that sexy seam.

But patterned hose on a slouching, timid, dowdily dressed woman isn’t alluring. Men have told me that it takes a confident woman to wear patterned hose that calls attention to her legs. And it doesn’t seem to really matter the shape of your legs — within reason. I have muscular calves and chubby thighs. This doesn’t curtail the comments. But I’m not wearing mini-skirts, either.

So, if you don’t already own at least one pair of patterned hosiery, get to the store or online and order a pair. Stand up straight, smile, and feel even more sexy. Tell me how it works for you.

___________________

If you’d like more information on how to make sure you are using your assets to your advantage, get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

In past postings we have talked about dating’s financial conundrums and how to find balance. We’ve discussed how different financial values and capabilities cause conflict.

In dating, whether we realize it or not, we begin to do what was called a “wallet triage” by one of my hospital clients. This distasteful term was used to describe when they had to determine if a patient could pay for treatment. If not, they had to be sent to the county hospital. It was unpleasant for the staff to ask the uncomfortable questions about someone’s ability to pay while the patient was bleeding or in pain, and it was distressing for those being asked. But the hospital was hemorrhaging funds, and if they treated people without receiving payment, the hospital was going to close, which would have put the community in dire straights. It was a horrible situation for all concerned.

The dating wallet triage is determining if someone’s financial situation is something with which you can live. Especially if the other is in dire straights because of their decisions, not only because of the recession.

This week, a wooer disclosed that he owed the IRS tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes and penalties, plus some other debts. The government recently took ALL the money from his accounts. (Luckily, he was not asking me for any.)

Another man recently shared that he, too, owes back taxes and the IRS now garnishes any funds deposited to his accounts. He goes to check cashing outlets to cash his clients’ checks to get money for gas, food, etc.

I know these times are hard for many, many people. Both these men are intelligent professionals who made some unwise decisions that have caught up with them. I, too, have had financial ups and downs so I empathize with them both.

But as I ponder entering a relationship with a new man, I know I want someone who is financially sound. He doesn’t have to be weathly, but he needs to have his life mostly in order.

Both these men are natty dressers. The first one recently took a week-long vacation and shared he’d bought some new shoes, since he’s a shoe fancier. I don’t know about you, but if I have a closet full of functional shoes and owe the government tens of thousands of dollars, I’m not going to buy any new shoes, no matter how much I like them.

My ex floated a large debt for nearly all of our marriage. I have been in debt, and when I am, I don’t buy anything extraneous. I live frugally and put all my extra funds toward paying off that debt in months instead of years. My ex saw no problem with buying frivolous items even though he had large debt. It’s a matter of different values and priorities. I hate to be in debt and do everything I can to avoid it, and if I can’t, I pay it off quickly.

I found that being with a man who was always in debt meant we couldn’t do things that were important to me — and he said were important to him, too — or I would pay for them all myself. So when it was time to paint the house, he didn’t have the money (we’d usually split these expenses), so I paid for it. I didn’t mind paying for vacations or household improvements sometimes. But I resented it when he said he didn’t have the money to do what we both said was needed, then would buy something frivolous for himself.

You have to look at your own values around money and what’s important to you. If a man shows early on his values about money are very different than yours, best to discuss it if you can, or let him go. If his situation is temporary because of the recession, that’s one thing. But if he continues to make what you consider unwise decisions, best to move on as you’ll be fighting about money sooner or later.

_________________

Explore other elements of what you want in your next mate. Download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

We’d been talking for a few weeks before meeting. I’m not fond of trying to kindle a relationship with someone living 1000 miles away, but he had certain rare attributes I’ve been looking for in a partner, but unable to find locally.

He arranged to stop in my city on his way home from a business trip. At dinner, he was as charming in person as on the phone and IM. We laughed and talked easily as we already knew a good deal about each other. He was a perfect gentleman, sharing his delight about our meeting and never trying to force more intimacy than a first meeting warranted.

I picked him up the next day and we visited some mutually interesting sites, had a leisurely walk, lunch, and got to know each other better. We both realized the face-to-face meeting shifts the interactions.

Mid-afternoon, he said, “I want to disclose certain things I think you should know.” He didn’t share anything shocking — no not-quite-complete divorce, no baby mamas, no incarceration, no major health issues, no deep indebtedness, no sex-change operation. His disclosures were reasonably normal — a small debt from co-signing a loan for a relative who defaulted, some frustration about growing his business, and a few personal foilables.

I was touched by his forthrightness. I interpreted his initiating sharing his situation as showing he cared and was intending our relationship to be long term. He wanted to put his cards on the table and let me see what I’d be getting into if we went forward.

Perhaps my appreciation for this man’s disclosures were a reaction to my last beau’s secrecy. Getting information about basic things like how he’d spent his day was always a struggle. This man shared freely.

I realize the sharing may be just the tip of the iceberg and there may be much, much more that has yet to be disclosed. I also realize it could all be made up, but there hasn’t been anything that didn’t gel. I know, too, that some men use such disclosures as a way to manipulate the woman into trusting them.

I felt none of that with this man. He didn’t press me to escalate our connection after he’d shared his information. It did make me feel a bit more fond of him, however.

Have you had someone disclose personal information quickly? If so, did you think it was suspicious or did you appreciate it?

_____________________

If you’d like to understand more of what can happen on early dates, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

Chupah

I attended a lovely Jewish wedding last weekend. The bride was resplendent and the groom handsome as they stood under the  chupah in front of the rabbi (the bride’s father) and the cantor (her god-father). Outside at sunset, the family and friends stood encircling the couple on the grass. The cantor’s sweet singing, including a song he wrote for the bride, soared in the crisp evening air. Candle luminaria lit the lawn on which we all stood, and a lone guitarist strummed entrance and exit music.

I’d arrived early, and my friend (the bride’s mother), showed me and another couple the quaint sleeping rooms in the inn where the ceremony and celebration were held. In showing me the bridal suite, she mentioned that in traditional or Biblical Jewish tradition, when a couple has sex they are then considered married.

Wow!

I spewed out, “Crap! How many men would I be married to then? And can I get alimony?”

But my smart-aleckness aside, it made think how we would approach dating sex differently if doing the act meant we were then married.

Sex – even in midlife – has a broad spectrum of acceptability. One study in the UK showed half the over-40 dating women said they’d be willing to have sex on the first date. Others, like Steve Harvey, say no sex for 3 months. Some people won’t have sex until engagement or marriage. I’m not here to tell you what you should do.

But imagine how you might shift your feelings about when to have sex if doing it meant you were married to the man. That would certainly put the kibosh on booty calls and casual sex.

Thinking of sex with this gravity makes me realize there are very few men with whom I would have been intimate. It puts a whole new spin on the significance of sex.

How would you have led your life differently if having sex meant you were then married? How would it affect how you date now?

_____________________

If you’d like to explore issues relevant to midlife dating sex, order your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

In midlife dating, we sometimes encounter situations that are just too awkward to have a ready-made answer. I remember one from early in my dating re-entry. I wish I could forget it. I’m not sure I would have an easy answer if it happened again.

The gentleman and I were dating a few months and neither of us were exploring dating others, not because of any overt exclusivity discussion. More because we were busy and not unhappy with the relationship, although I wouldn’t say I was happy either. It was a relationship of convenience — at least for me.

We saw each other at least once on the weekend and once during the week. At first he paid for all dinners, and I’d pay for the movie or after-dinner drink or dessert on the way home. Then I stepped up and took turns treating for dinners, too. Although at the time, my divorce had taken a major economic toll on my life. When my ex left, my expenses doubled immediately and my income went down dramatically as I just couldn’t market my services with much gusto.

So when it was my turn to treat, I’d suggest a modest restaurant. When it was his turn, he nearly always chose an upscale one, as he liked wine and fancy meals. Not that I mind those, but he was more insistent about them than me.

One day he asked, “Would you like to go to the Peobo Bryson/James Ingram concert?” I like those artists, but not so much that I would drive the hour to see them and pay a high ticket price. But my beau liked me to accompany him to events like this, so I said yes. He made an attempt to buy the tickets online, but couldn’t complete the transaction. He called me: “I have a client call in 3 minutes and I can’t complete the online transaction. The concert is almost sold out. Can you go online and get the tickets?” What was I to say? I said yes.

The tickets cost more than I would have spent considering my economic situation. I assumed he would pay me back, although he never said he would. When we arrived at the event, he suggested I go to will call while he parked the car. If I did this, I’d miss the opportunity for him to say to the box office, “Can we put this on my credit card?” So I said I’d wait for him at will call while he parked. When he arrived, we asked the clerk for our tickets. Since I’d already paid for them, there was no discussion of payment.

I’m a tad embarrassed to share that as I sat through the concert, I couldn’t shake dwelling on the high cost of the tickets. And I wasn’t enjoying the show that much — probably because I was obsessing about the cost of the tickets.

I felt uncouth and chintzy to bring up the reimbursement for the tickets, so I said nothing. My guy knew I was barely scraping by. How could he not know that this expenditure was more than I’d have volunteered to take on? I stewed and fretted.

It never came up. He was generous to me in some ways, so I justified that I was evening up the score. But I couldn’t shake that if I were going to treat for a high-cost event, it would have been for an artist for whom I was a big fan, not just sort of liked. I felt a little duped to treat for an evening I would have never offered to spring for.

This same man had earlier suggested we go to Paris together for vacation. I told him that my finances could not support such a holiday and perhaps we should wait until I could split the costs. He said he understood my situation and would pay for everything if I would use my frequent flyer points to get us business class tickets. So it wasn’t as if he didn’t know my situation. (We ended up not going because we couldn’t get tickets that fit our schedules.)

The tit and tat of finances during dating can be dicey. More so when you are going out together a lot and/or seeing each other for a while. I now know that this is something that should not be taken for granted but discussed if there is any discomfort.

How do you manage some sense of fairness about dating costs when you’ve been dating someone for a while?

__________________

Explore other uncomfortable situations in Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed. Get your copy today.

I’d posted a brief, “I’m glad you’re in my life” message to my then-beau’s social networking page after we were exclusive for four months.

He said, “I feel like a fire hydrant.”

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

“I feel marked.”

Wow! I hadn’t thought I had posted anything personal. No reference to our dating. No pictures of us snuggling. Nothing I wouldn’t have posted to a dear friend’s site.

Yet he felt I was claiming him as mine to the world. Which, since we’d been dating for 4 months exclusively, I thought he was. But that wasn’t really the purpose of my message. It was just to write something warm to him. Okay, and I thought it was a subtle way to tell all the women sending him love messages and scantily clad pictures that I was actually in his life, and they just wanted to be.

I didn’t imagine my gesture would be interpreted negatively. After all, within weeks of our dating, he had a server take out picture cuddling in a restaurant, then kissing. He then posted these pics to his Flickr page for all his family and friends to see. He didn’t ask my permission to do so, and if he had, I would have been flattered and said “yes.”

Another friend shared he’d felt marked by his then-girlfriend of 6 months. She posted pictures of them cuddling during a weekend getaway. He considered these intimate pictures that he didn’t really want shared with her 700 and his “friends” 500. He said he was a private person and he’d have shared them with his inner circle via email. He resented her posting them without his permission. He felt it was her way of marking him and letting the world know he was hers.

This has given me new perspective on what the people we’re dating are comfortable sharing with the world and what they aren’t. I once posted a blog piece announcing a dinner date’s amazing accomplishment, including his name. (This is the only time I’ve listed any date’s name.) I thought he would like getting a little more publicity. I was wrong! He was livid that I’d posted it as he didn’t want people to know about his personal life, including who he’d taken out to dinner.

Have you been publicly marked? If so, how did you feel? Did he let you know ahead of time, or were you surprised? If you’d marked someone you’re dating, how did he react?
_______________

Are you stymied about the men you’re considering dating? If so, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors

In high school, if a girl is described as thinking she’s “all that” she’s considered arrogant, conceited, stuck up, snobbish. She thinks she’s God’s gift to the world. She’s too good for mere mortals.

Yet, when a young man describes a young woman as “all that” it’s a high compliment. He’s saying she’s sexy, attractive, desirable.

In midlife, do you exude the positive aspects of “all that”? Do you walk with your head high, straight posture, confident? Do you dress flatteringly — age appropriate, neat and well put together? Do you make easy eye contact, have a friendly facial expression?

Of course, the challenge is not to appear conceited, although my observation is that many more women behave less confident than arrogant.

The key is to feel confident, not just pretend. There are those who say “fake it ’til you make it” but I think that is short lived. You need to think of your many positive qualities. Before going out in public, tell yourself to stand tall. Make a practice of looking in the eye anyone who speaks to you. Get in the habit of smiling when you are walking.

You will create an inviting aura. People will smile back at you, say hello, and give you great service. You’ll look like someone who knows who she is and what she wants. Men find this appealing (at least healthy, sane men do).

Positive “all that” means you can be humble and self-deprecating, but with confidence. Sound contradictory? When a strong person shows vulnerability it is powerful.

When have you felt “all that” in a positive way? What self-talk enabled you to exude this presence? How did people react to you?
________________

Want more ideas on how to present yourself with confidence? Order your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

He said this with exasperation. He was weary from his last relationship being more effort than he would have liked. He thought it should be easier.

I told him most relationships were are least some work. They could be easy breezy, but there was some “work” involved — one of you had to initiate contact, you had to be willing to work through any hiccups. This could be considered work by some. And when romance is involved, expectations quickly escalate.

I’ve heard similar laments from others — mostly men. They didn’t want a relationship to be work. Which usually means they want to do what they want when they want and not have to be responsible for their sweetie’s expectations. Which is what got my friend into his “women are work” funk. His last lady expected him to call her regularly and initiate outings — after dating only two weeks. He then had to deal with her angst when she got upset that he wasn’t behaving as she wanted. “Work” indeed.

I believe that a healthy relationship should be minimal “work” yet it needs constant attention. “Work” says that it’s above and beyond what you find pleasurable. You have to do too many things that you’d prefer not to do. Every romantic relationship requires some compromise, some adaptation, some doing what you’d not choose to do on your own.

What’s your experience with “work” in a relationship? When is it too much? Too little?

_____________________

To read more info on how to work out relationship challenges, download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

At my 25-year-old friend’s wedding a few weeks ago, I marveled at not only how elated the couple looked, but also how the parents beamed. As a friend of the groom’s family, I was privy to how they really felt about their new daughter-in-law.

The couple met four years ago. The groom had been adrift, unsuccessful in college and spending the winter working at a ski slope and enjoying his ski bum lifestyle. That changed when they became a couple. She helped him articulate his dreams, set goals, and reenroll in community college, along with her. They got an apartment together and both got jobs. He raised his previously flunking grades to A’s, which allowed them to transfer to a university.

When they got engaged, his mother said to me, “She is the best thing that ever happened to him.”

I thought this when I watched the merry couple at the wedding. It reminded me of my now ex-brother-in-law telling me he’d scolded my ex (his brother) when told he’d left me. My brother-in-law (bless his heart) chastised my ex, telling him: “She’s the best thing that ever happened to you. You’d be an idiot to leave her.”

I realized my ex never told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I don’t think he believed that. In fact, I doubt now he’d consider me or our marriage in the top 20. It made me ponder how our relationship might have been different if we regularly said that to each other, assuming we believed it. I had bouts of believing he was the best thing to ever happen to me, but to be honest, it was rare.

At the post-wedding brunch, I pulled the newlyweds aside separately. I said, “Would you like one idea that will help you have a long, loving and successful marriage? Tell the other every day, ‘You are the best thing that ever happened to me.’ Not just ‘I love you’ — that is important — but also tell him/her how important s/he is to you. Every day.” They both agreed.

In dating, it’s hard to know if the person you’re getting to know will be the best thing that every happened to you or not. But if you find signs that he’s not even in the ball park of someone you think could make a major, positive influence on your life, then best to release him. Most long-term happily committed couples would put meeting and/or marrying their mates as one of the best things that ever happened to them, along with the birth of their children.

But some people think sharing something this important would put you in the lower power position, just like the person who utters “I love you” first. Others say “I love you” as cavalierly as “Pass the salt.” Both “I love you” and “You are the best thing that ever happened to me” are best saved for after you are in an exclusive, and ideally committed, relationship. Before then you can come off as needy saying either.

Hearing “You are the best thing that ever happened to me” — when backed up by congruent actions, of course — solidify bonds. I believe this can be as significant — or perhaps more so — than hearing “I love you,” which has a lot of ambiguity around it these days.

Have you had someone tell you, “You are the best thing that ever happened to me”? If so, how did you feel hearing this?

______________

With your purchase of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series books you get a copy of the bonus eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts, full of thought-provoking ideas from 12 dating/relationship experts! Download instructions are included inside each of the books.

I almost canceled. Why? Was he odious and self-absorbed on the phone? Sex obsessed? Foul mouthed?

No. If he were, I wouldn’t have agreed to coffee.

His emails showed he was smart; his call was interesting, incorporating current events. He could converse about different topics without being obnoxiously opinionated or emphatic.

So why wasn’t I excited about meeting him? I didn’t find anything I was curious to know more about him. He’d been retired for 8 years, although he was still in his 50′s.

I met him anyway, although I was thinking of ways to put him off up until an hour before we met. The bottom line was I just didn’t feel we had enough in common to see him again. I know it is terrible to make this kind of judgment before even meeting him. I encourage others to meet a guy for coffee if there are no glaring red flags in the pre-meeting vetting. Yet here I was violating my own advice.

The conversation meandered through many topics. He stayed focused, didn’t complain about his ex, didn’t ramble about his kids, or friends of friends, or his resume. He tracked with the conversation and made relevant comments.

I vacillated between thinking, “I would have coffee with him again,” to “How do I tell him I don’t feel a spark?” It turned out to be a moot battle in my head, as he didn’t ask to see me again. I learned I was the first woman he’d gone out with after his divorce last year. He’d only been on the dating site a month, and I was “an experiment.”

I was his practice date!

I’ve learned I was the practice date — the first post-divorce encounter — for two other men. One was so needy he determined I was “The One” within 10 minutes. The other was more grounded and he became one of my treasures.

I’d done it many times myself when I was first dating. I’d accept coffee invitations from nearly any man whose profile and conversation were interesting. Those practice dates helped build my confidence and comfort around men who were deciding if they were interested in me or not.

Have you known you were a man’s practice date soon after his divorce/widowhood? If so, did you treat him differently than other men who seemed more experienced?

__________________

For more information on what to expect from initial encounters, get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date

Last night Cougar Town aired with 45-year-old Courtney Cox playing Jules. I was hoping for a humorous yet positive portrayal of single women in mid-life. What I saw was a sad commentary full of inconsistencies. I realize sit-coms often have nothing to do with anything near reality.

For example, the first scene is of beautiful, slender Courtney Cox standing naked in front of the mirror inventorying her body’s flaws. Heaven forbid — she has some loose skin around her elbow! Her slender thighs and arms are not as taut as she’d like. I would kill to have her body, yet she’s unhappy that she doesn’t look like her 20-year-old self? I’d say she looks pretty darn close!

Soon we see her lusting after a shirtless young man at her son’s high school sporting event. She tells her girlfriend she’d like to lick this man’s body — with her teenage son sitting next to her! What a great role model of appropriate comments in front of your teenagers!

Courtney’s character appears sex-starved, desperate and angry. She chastises her handsome middle-aged neighbor for dating younger women and not being interested in someone her age. Maybe because she’s so bitter it would be hard to be attracted to her! And yet, she, too, finds solace in bonking younger men and not seeming to be interested in their intellectual capacity or life experience.

She goes out drinking with Laurie, her decades-younger assistant and gets looped. A twenty-something man strikes up a conversation. She leaves when she realizes she’s too wasted, and her gal pal later delivers this young man to her house. She invites him in, treats him like her son’s teenage friends, and he seduces her. Yes, this is exactly what it’s like to be a middle-aged woman dating again!

Her friend Barb is the equivalent of a dirty old man. If her comments were from a man, we’d be disgusted at her sleaziness. She oozes with inappropriate sexual innuendo.

I know there are people like all these characters, and that these people are somewhat exaggerated for the entertainment value. Yet, I always hope — against all logic — that producers will actually paint a positive view of midlife singles based on some more common reality. But we know I hope for a lot of things that aren’t likely to happen!

(When I was contacted last Fall by two TV producers asking me to host a reality dating show for midlifers, I said I wanted to have real-looking people, not pretty actor-types. And I wanted no one to get voted off the show. Needless to say, they couldn’t sell the show because the money-people said the American public only wanted to see young, fit people. I said that so many middle-aged daters didn’t look like what they saw in Hollywood and yet they could be very attractive. No sale. Oh well.)

Did you watch Cougar Town? If so, what did you think?

_______________

Want to know more about the realities of dating in midlife? Get your copy of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 4o books.

Sharing with a gal pal after a second date, I expressed disappointment that my date didn’t treat me like my last beau did. My wise friend said, “You’re expecting him to display boyfriend behavior but he’s not your boyfriend yet.” She was right! In fact, he probably hadn’t even decided he was interested in being my boyfriend.

While we can expect men we’re beginning to date to be courteous and hopefully chivalrous, some behaviors are more along the lines of “taking care of my woman.” Some very chivalrous men behave this way for any woman they know. Others have more of a hierarchy, ascending to the next level as he becomes more fond of her.

Men have shared that when in a relationship, they adopt an attitude of protection toward the woman. They are more concerned that she’s made it home safely, her home is secure and her car won’t break down. They check in with her regularly to make sure if she has any upset he can fix, he will do his darndest.

When just getting to know a woman, a conscientious man will walk a woman to her car, help her on and off with her coat, and open doors. While this shows he cares, these behaviors can also be so engrained he does them for nearly any woman he accompanies, regardless of his romantic interest in her.

I notice when men display these behaviors and appreciate them, but I’ve now learned not to take them as signs a man has feelings for me. It seems each man has different baseline behaviors he displays from the first date and then adds to them as he feels more connection. So if you interpret early behaviors as expressing his attraction to you, you can be disappointed to find that’s how he acts toward all women he’s getting to know.

As your relationship deepens, what if he doesn’t display the boyfriend behaviors you’d like? Of course, you can make requests and if he’s astute he will pick up what you like. So instead of getting angry that he doesn’t do something you want, you can ask him directly, then tell him how much you appreciate it.

For example, you are chilly in the over-air conditioned movie theater, having left your wrap in the car. Don’t just complain how cold it is and expect he’ll offer to get your sweater. Instead ask, “Sweetie, would you be a dear and get my sweater from the car while I hold the seats?” If he’s into you, he will jump at the opportunity to show you he can take care of you. And when he gets back, make sure to say, “Thank you. I appreciate your taking care of me this way.”

Guess what? Next time you say you’re cold, he’ll probably offer to get your coat from the car. If not, just gently ask him. You are training him to display boyfriend behavior that you appreciate. And make sure you acknowledge him when he does what you like. We all like to be acknowledged and if we care about the person, we learn what they like by what they thank us for.

What do you consider boyfriend behavior that you wouldn’t expect early on?

Have you ever been disappointed that someone didn’t display boyfriend behavior when just starting to date?

__________________

Do you want to better understand how to determine if you should keep dating someone after a few dates? Then get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I heard the male version of this the other day from a friend pining for an ex-girlfriend.

Yes, people can change. Some can change at the snap of their fingers, vowing to stop or start a behavior immediately. A few actually accomplish that.

Others change after starts and restarts, taking days/weeks/months/years/decades to adopt the new behavior. Some are eventually successful; others never are.

And some people have no desire to make the change, even though they tell you (and perhaps themselves) they do. They make the verbal commitment and maybe some half-hearted attempts (or not!), but never shift one iota.

But nearly all of us do change. Some consciously and with effort to become better. Some, with no consciousness or effort, allow their bad habits to become worse. Very few midlife people behave exactly the way they were in high school or college.

Some people change out of a self-motivated desire to become a better person. Some change because they know it will make a loved one happier or less annoyed. And some refuse to change out of spite for someone, knowing a certain behavior sends them up the wall.

The problem with wanting someone to change for you to be happy with them is you will be unhappy until 1) they do, or 2) you accept them the way they are.

There’s an old saying that women enter a relationship expecting to change a man and men enter a relationship hoping the woman won’t change.

Deciding to stay in a relationship predicated upon the other person changing is asking for heart ache for both parties. You will never be happy unless they make the change. They will not be happy as they know you aren’t completely happy with them.

I’ve entered relationships thinking I can remodel the man into someone who fits my ideal. Have I been able to influence some behavior changes? Sure. But ultimately he resented it, just as I have if a man thinks I should be different than I am and tries to get me to conform to his idea of perfection.

When a 21-year-old relative was complaining about her live-in boyfriend, I asked her, “If he were to be exactly the same in 5 years, would you be happy?” The answer was “no.” If you can’t live with the man he is now, don’t make it permanent. People will change. We can’t control that. It’s part of being a growing human being. But if you are in the relationship counting on him to change for the better, you should move on.

Have you tried to change a sweetie? If so, how’d that work? Have you had someone try to change you? How did you feel?

_______________

Want more information on how to deal with difficult dating situations? Download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

Solid relationships are built on trust. So what happens when one of the pair does something that strains — or completely breaks — that trust?

If it’s a one-time, never-to-be-repeated event, and the bond is strong, often the offending party receives grace and forgiveness and the relationship continues.

But what if there are multiple fibs, lies or less-than-forthcoming responses to direct questions? What if someone chooses to keep certain facts to themselves to keep their options open?

A friend shared that early in the relationship, a now ex-girlfriend had fibbed to him on several occasions. The most egregious was when she announced her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit her. My friend asked where he’d be staying. With her, she said matter-of-factly. Not feeling completely comfortable with this arrangement, he probed deeper hoping to quell any doubts he had. Knowing she didn’t have a guest room in her small apartment, he asked, “And where will he be sleeping?” “I don’t know. We haven’t discussed it. Last time we shared my bed.” “Did you have sex?” “No.”

Knowing how amorous she was, he said he didn’t feel comfortable with this arrangement. She asked the ex-beau to sleep on her couch.

Later she admitted that the last time they’d shared a bed they indeed did have sex. She lied, she explained, as she didn’t want my friend to be concerned. I think she didn’t want to lose him and thought that information might have driven him away. She wanted to keep her options open.

They broke up six months later over other issues yet kept in contact. A few weeks later, she accepted his dinner and movie invitation. They held hands, cuddled and seemed like they were back together. She neglected to share that she had a new boyfriend with whom she was already sleeping. She wanted to see if it might work out with my friend — she wanted to keep her options open. She held all her cards close and didn’t want to put any on the table.

It would have been more mature if before accepting the dinner invitation to say, “I really like you and understand why we broke up. I’d love to see you and discuss if we might be able to sort out our differences. And I need to let you know I’ve started seeing someone and we’ve become close. I want you to know what’s happening with me so we can talk openly and candidly.” That would have allowed my friend to make decisions that were right for him based all the information — not just the information she wanted to share.

Have we all been duplicitous at times? I’m guessing yes. I know I have. But now as I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, I see how disrespectful, controlling and selfish it is to withhold information that the other really should know. If I were on the other side and would want to know it I am now better at sharing it. It is usually not easy to say, yet if you take your time to share the information with care and compassion, it will be easier to discuss. I have been sincerely thanked after sharing something I knew the other didn’t want to hear, and have thanked others for telling me things that stung at first.

Trust is built by keeping your word, acting congruent with your words, being willing to discuss difficult topics without upset, and consistent action that shows you care about the other person as well as yourself. When trust is strained or broken early in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible to repair.

____________________

Get ideas on how to know it’s time to break up and how to do so without drama in Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

I’ve heard men say that women are too picky about unimportant aspects of a man’s behavior. I think it depends on what one considers important and unimportant.

Many women would consider table manners important (or somewhat important). Few of us appreciate a man who chews with his mouth open, talks with his mouth full, licks his knife or lowers his head near the plate to more easily shovel food into his maw. Yet men who have these behaviors haven’t a clue they are important, and would probably rebuff anyone pointing out their bad manners.

Yet for women, this can be a deal breaker with a man who hasn’t ingratiated himself to her. If she is on the fence about a guy, his table manners can be the kiss of death — the only kiss that will be present that evening.

Last night is a case in point. The guy was pleasant, nothing glaringly wrong, although he seemed to have some difficulty finding topics to discuss. I drew him out and shared relevant information. Dinner arrived. He cut off large chunks of his chicken parmesan and stuffed them into his mouth as he continued to talk. The spaghetti, which is hard to eat gracefully under any circumstance, was consumed via large forkfuls, then protruding stands slurped in. This was punctuated with large draughts of bottled beer.

Our potential romantic partnership fell to the other side of the fence — with a thud.

I wondered — briefly — if I was being snobbish to not be enamored with uncouth table manners. I decided, no, that my partner must be someone with whom I can feel comfortable in polite company. Not that I attend society balls, but I do dine with bank-president clients and worldly friends and colleagues. I can’t be with someone whose table manners are embarrassing.

In the past, some beaus’ dining etiquette was so bad it elicited comments from my family members after the event. One licked his knife in a white-tablecloth restaurant. I don’t relish making excuses for loutish behaviors.

If you chew with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full, stop. If you don’t know which water glass or bread plate is yours at a table for 8, get educated. It’s really not hard — information is easily available. Or maybe you don’t know you’re doing something others would find oafish. Ask someone who you think would know proper manners and get their discrete feedback.

___________________

If you’d like to know more signs to look for on a first date, that you may not think are obvious, download your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

Maybe the little ditty “99 men on the wall” will replace the old song we sang loudly on long bus/car drives, but only women will be singing it.

Today I have a meet/date with man number 99. It’s taken nearly 5 years to go out with 99 men and I have slowed down a lot in the last 2 years. No longer do I feel like the kid in Baskin-Robbins wanting to taste all the flavors. I have now narrowed down the flavors that interest me and can often tell beforehand if a man has qualities that appeal to me or not. Most often not.

I continue to be open to new encounters, but am more discerning if a man telegraphs “We don’t have the same values” even before meeting. I can often tell that by the content of his emails and phone conversation, by what he chooses to talk about, the questions he asks me (or doesn’t), how much he shares the conversation.

If you were looking for a dream job or fabulous house, you might investigate 100 before finding the one that meets most of your needs. Dating nearly 100 men isn’t the goal — finding a great match is.

When I share my dating numbers with interested friends, most gasp, “I haven’t dated 99 people in my whole life.” It seems few have, unless they were very active in their high school and/or college years. Most people have dated from zero to several dozen people. Then they met their mate or withdrew to either no or infrequent dating. I am an anomaly.

People say, “I wouldn’t have the patience for that,” or “I don’t have the time,” or “I’d just give up.” Yes, there are considerations for staying active in the dating pool. There can be times of furious activity (like when I had seven dates with six guys in five days) and long stretches of treading water. There are the days of hopefulness when you’ve met someone with whom you think you’re a match, then disappointment when he stops calling with no explanation or you decide he isn’t who you thought him to be.

One weighs the options for staying in the emotional whirlpool. You can just drift down the dating river, hoping to bump into your soul mate. You can swim upstream in the rapids, trying to attain someone who isn’t interested, getting frustrated and bitter along the way. Or you can tread water until you connect with a possible match, then both swim in the dating pool together, playing and interacting to see if you like each other.

Giving up is an option, of course, but I have learned much about what I want (and don’t want), as well as about men in general, I do not see that as the best option. And I’ve gained several dozen men-pal treasures for whom I’m continually grateful.

So going out with 99 men may sound daunting. But it’s better than the option — to be lonely and bitter. I’m staying in the pool until I find my guy — or he finds me.
____________________

Want to know what to expect from midlife dating? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I was seduced by these words. They went straight to my heart. Even though the local man’s actions rarely paralleled this sentiment. Even though much of the time I wondered why he didn’t bother to set a time to get together while his text and phone messages talked about how much he missed me and cared about me.
Why was I taken in by words that weren’t backed by consistent action? Part of me longed to believe them. And frequently when we were together, I felt his actions proved his words. But we saw each other maybe a day out of every 10 — 10% of the time.

When we were together he would look me in the eye while holding me close and say these words clearly — and I felt, sincerely. I so wanted them to be true.

And I was not without fault. I would say them back to him even though I was often frustrated — sometimes even angered — by his lack of initiative to see me and his sometimes disrespectful behavior. My logical mind knew he was far from perfect for me. But my heart was taken in by his words — coupled with my desire to believe them. When I said them back to him, at that moment I believed them.

Now I’ve learned to be more skeptical. The words are heart melting when you hear them. But you have to make sure they are backed by consistent, congruent behavior that shows he feels you are perfect for him. Otherwise they are just air.

Of course, part of you knows the words are expressing happiness with the other, knowing perfection in a relationship is rare. But you don’t listen to that voice. You only listen with the ear of romance, wanting to believe you can be perfect for someone, even if you know he is not really perfect for you. And truthfully, you don’t really believe you are perfect for him as you don’t see the actions that reinforce that.

What words have you learned not to trust when not backed by congruent behaviors? (“I love you,” “I adore you,” “I’d never hurt you” come to mind.) What have you uttered that your mind knew wasn’t true, but your heart felt was true at the moment?
___________________

Want to understand other ways to know if he’s being sincere? Read Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Webster’s dictionary says “pursue” means: “seek to form a sexual relationship with (someone) in a persistent way.”

I explained in “Tales of woo” how some men’s definition of “pursue” seems skewed to me. Another example has occurred this week.

A few weeks ago a local man showed signs of interest. We emailed a few times, then I gave him my number and we had several long, interesting chats. The only problem was he was on a business trip and wouldn’t be returning until after I left for SE Asia. I suggested he download Skype so we could continue our voice chats.

While I was gone, there was no communication. No voice mails, no emails. And no Skype, so he didn’t follow through by downloading it.

The evening I was to return home, I got this email:

“Missing you bad; the conversation is invigorating and the woman is scintillating. I hope things are good for you there. Let’s talk soon.”

I responded that I would be home the next day and we could chat while I drove home from the airport, but it might be too late for him, so let me know. When I arrived home there was no voice mail so I called him. I got his voice mail so left a message. I’ve not heard a peep from him in almost a week since he sent the “Missing you bad” email.

What gives? Too busy to make contact? I don’t buy it. Found someone else? Maybe. Not that into me? Then why write an email like that?

I continue to scratch my head trying to understand why men do and say certain things, then don’t take any action. My cynical self thinks he’s juggling several women and I’m not at the top of his list. Or maybe he’s married.

____________________________

Read more about men’s unexplainable behaviors in Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Arriving home tonight from an 11-day international trip, I lifted my heavy bags into my trunk at the airport. It occurred to me that I’d schlepped these bags more than I cared to when help was not on the horizon. It made me appreciate the cheerful van drivers, bellmen and skycaps who did offer to hoist my bags.

I began to ruminate on the many things men — often strangers — do to lighten women’s burden’s. Not only luggage lifting, but I’ve been struck by how often men have gone out of their way to give directions or even walk me to my destination. Sure, some of them have been in a role at a hotel, but many have not. They were just helpful strangers.

I think the more we women are willing to accept their aid, the more willing men are to go out of their way. This has nothing to do with being a helpless woman. It has to do with being a grateful recipient to someone’s kindness. Did I need the hotel banquet staffer to escort me to the door of the ladies room? No. Pointing it out would have been sufficient. But I didn’t waive him off with an “I can find it,” instead allowing him to feel the satisfaction of completing his task.

Arriving in Manila at 5:30 a.m., I stopped at the airport information desk to ask about storing my luggage so I could catch a town tour during my 16-hour layover. Discovering there were no lockers and I couldn’t check my bags into my connecting airline for 14 hours, I had few alternatives. The young information desk clerk helped me see the most viable option was to rent a small room at the airport Day Lounge. I could lock my bags there, or take advantage of the bed and shower to rest during the long layover.

He could have given me directions, but instead opted to call a colleague to cover his desk and escort me. While navigating the labyrinth of elevators, security checkpoints and behind-the-scenes hallways, I was appreciative he’d taken the time. Several times he negotiated in Tagalog with Security and other gatekeepers. When we arrived at the nearly hidden Day Lounge I heaped thanks on him.

When a man offers assistance — whether it’s help with a heavy box or directions — do you accept readily? Or do you cut them off, saying, “I’ve got it”? If the latter, consider that you could actually give him a gift by accepting his offer. You both get to experience the generosity of the other.

That’s not to say you can’t offer to assistance, too. When I travel, I often see one in a party taking a picture of the other(s). I now make it a habit to offer to take a picture of everyone together. During this trip, a large military convention was in town. In the mall, military men from dozens of countries were enjoying the music and people watching. Cameras were flashing non-stop. As I came upon these groups, I made my offer. No one refused. I felt good for contributing to their memories by allowing the whole party to be in the pic. I felt like I’d connected to them in a way that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. And who knows, maybe I left a positive impression of Americans in my wake.

The lesson is to not be stingy in either your receiving or your giving. Both are a gift. Be sure to express your appreciation. Even if you can heft your own bags yourself, thank you very much, allow a man to contribute to you.

____________

Remember, you get the bonus eBook, Attract Your Next Great Mate: Dating Advice From Top Relationship Experts with your purchase of any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books!

For decades (centuries?) women have been drawn to men in uniform. Is it the crispness of their attire that is the allure? The fact that you know they’ve learned responsibility and discipline from being in the service? Some appeal to our desire for a man who knows how to protect us? The respect we have for the sacrifice we know the wearer has and is willing to make?

My stay back in Brunei this week overlaps a large SE Asia military convention and air show. My hotel and the city are filled with military men and women. At the main shopping mall, I observed dozens of mostly men from all ranks in their country’s uniform.

While not all the men have a draw, I notice some do. In fact, I saw some Americans who were not in uniform, but had a certain bearing that makes me believe they are either in or have been in the military.

I’ve decided that a big part of a man in uniform’s appeal, whether he’s from the military or other military-based organizations like fire or police, is their carriage and posture. I’m told it’s called “command presence.”

When I dated a retired policeman, he said he’d learned how to stand and walk in a way that people knew he was in charge. He shared that this deportment could quell a brewing problem as those involved could tell by his stance that he was not going to take any gruff. His posture telegraphed confidence.

Of course, not all those in uniform carry themselves with gravitas. But those who do have a certain je ne sais quoi enticement. I’ve noticed a man who is not classically handsome can be quite enticing if his carriage is confident.

What have you noticed about a man’s posture and bearing and how it affects your attraction to him?

_______________

Identify what you want in your next mate in the book In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Do you get emotional at weddings? Enveloped in the flood of love, joy and hope it is hard not to be. You are caught up in the palpable adoration between the happy couple. Maybe the nuptials remind you of how elated you felt at your wedding(s), immersed in the endorphins from being in love. Or perhaps the proceedings evoke memories of the grief you felt at the eventual loss of your love.

I haven’t been to a wedding in the six years since my marriage dissolved, so I’m not sure what I’ll feel at one I’ll attend in a few weeks. In the past, I’ve become emotional because of the strong feelings of love that are typically present.

So my first emotional whammy is that I’ll be at a wedding, period. I have no idea if I’ll be overwhelmed by the joy and hope of the betrothed and their families. I’m hoping I won’t be triggered by the fact that my own romantic fantasies of forever love went unrealized.

The second emotional whammy is that I’ve known the young groom since he was a baby. His parents, my ex and I were close friends. They live a few blocks away and it was common for one of us to drop in or borrow something regularly. Their family and my ex carpooled weekly to the same church. We often had dinner at each other’s homes. We went on vacation together several times. I saw this young man and his brother grow up, shared in their celebrations and their troubling times. We hired them for yard work when they wanted spending money. The boys were like nephews and I have great fondness toward the groom and his brother. It will be emotional for me to see this young man enter this rite of passage to marry his long-time love.

And the third whammy is just a bit too surreal. My ex will officiate the ceremony. He is legally licensed to do so, although he never completed his ordination. This will be the first time I’ve seen him in five years. Will it be difficult to hear him talk about the sanctity of marriage, knowing that he didn’t hold himself to that standard? Or the vow of commitment, knowing he violated that one too? I am over him and not bitter, but will it be difficult to hear him speak of values that I know he, himself, didn’t act on? The hostess has said he will be seated at my table, along with a few other friends who know each other, as none of us know anyone else at the reception.

To do my utmost to take care of myself, I have invited a dear and doting friend to be my date. He has been apprised of my probable emotionality and that I will, no doubt, need to lean on him. He has enthusiastically agreed to take on this task. Plus he dresses up really well and is a great dancer!

While I usually consider myself a strong woman, I think it helps to know when you may be especially vulnerable and pre-plan ways to make sure you are taken care of. And with this triple whammy wedding, I will need all the support I can muster!

Are you emotional at weddings or other events? If so, how do you take care of yourself?
_____________________

If you find yourself still angry after a breakup, download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

I would never have guessed that one of the most difficult rites of passage after divorce was a first dance with a new man.

If you’re like me, you may have slow danced with very few men other than your husband during your marriage (assuming he danced at all), unless you took dancing lessons that encouraged partner swapping. When I danced with another man it was typically a fast dance where we could do our own thing.

About a year after my divorce, a group of colleagues decided to go country western dancing. I love dancing so enthusiastically accepted the invitation.

One man took many of the gals in his van, with a few other guys saying they’d join us in a little while. After we got settled at a table, the gals began taking turns dancing with our one lone guy.

My turn on the floor with him was to a country two-step, with which I had but minimal familiarity. I felt stiff and awkward, even though my pal tried to lead me. He kept telling me to relax which did the opposite, triggering my feelings of ineptness and wondering if I was missing the “following” gene.

Struggling to stay in step, I was near tears when the song was thankfully over. I wondered why I was so emotional when my friend was just trying to help me have fun.

I realized part of the emotion was my missing the hand-in-glove comfort one feels when having had the same dance partner for decades. You know what to expect. You know his moves. You can relax and just feel the music and the connection to each other.

So I not only felt incompetent, I felt the loss of my companion of 20 years.

Often it’s small things that trigger sadness and loss of the good things from a relationship. And those triggers can be present for years — decades for some people. So if you find yourself getting emotional over something like a dance, don’t blame your partner or yourself. Just be willing to stay with the emotion and look at the core cause.

Sometimes I still feel I’m not the greatest follower. But I work to stay present to what’s going on in the moment and enjoy whatever happens — even if his or my toes get a little mashed along the way.

What have you found to be difficult newly single firsts?

_________________

Understand what else you might be facing when you reenter the dating scene. Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping now.

In the getting-to-know-you stage, you’re wrong if you tell a man he’s crossed the line and wrong if you don’t.

If you do, you can be seen as controlling. If you don’t, you give the impression that whatever he did/said is fine with you. Or you can just disappear and he’ll never know why.

Last night, I was having an online chat (which I don’t often do) with a guy who’s flirted with me for a week or so via email. This was the first time we chatted real time, although I’d given him my phone number, but he didn’t call. (That is a sign right there.)

After 15 minutes, this dean of a university tells me how “WELL ENDOWED” (his caps) he is. I told him that was nice, but too much info at this stage in getting to know each other. Since we’d been talking about keeping fit, and things related to physicality, I took it in that vein. After my TMI comment, he told me he was referring to his academic status.

Uh huh.

Later on, keeping in the academic theme, he offered that he wanted to study me to learn what I liked. He said he wanted to be ready for the “ORALS” (again, his all caps).

When I said I’d rather keep the conversation non-sexual at this point, he said I wanted to control the “pace” (whatever that means) of the conversation. I said I didn’t want to go sexual with our first real-time discussion.

While I’m not a prude and can banter and whip out the double entendres and innuendos as quickly as a man, there is a time and place. The first conversation is not that time.

I’ve heard men advise women that we must have standards on what behaviors we’ll accept. We must show men how we want to be treated and if they insist on not treating us with the regard we require, move on. I was attempting to do just that.

I’ve also had conversations with men where I didn’t speak up. I just extricated myself as soon as possible. He never knew why I didn’t respond to him after that. I debate rather to tell a man why we won’t be going out, and have decided if he is really interested he’ll ask. But for me to offer an explanation to an obtuse man is really just speaking to the wind as he’ll never get it.

What’s your policy on speaking up if a potential date crosses the line? Do you say something or just quietly drift away never to be heard from again?

_________________

For more info on the do’s and don’ts of online dating, order your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.