Comments on: Does he want in your life — or just in your bedroom?

By: LA

LA — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:50:23 +0000

Geez. So you had great sex. Enjoy it! Leave it at that. Not every relationship is meant to be destined for Sunday a.m. Starbucks and the latest by John Grey and John Tesh. The bus isn’t going to stop anymore soon so take advantage of your sexualality before it goes away. Sometimes it is just sticky sex and that is okay, and that is good.

By: Meari

Meari — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:08:52 +0000

I dated a guy who’d drive almost an hour to my house and take me out. He, too, always had an excuse as to why I couldn’t come to his house. Say “Big Red Flag”! He was always evasive about personal questions, too. More flags! Around the time of my birthday, I asked him what his middle name was… He evaded the question. What was the big deal? Not one to me. It irritated me, so when I said he’d take me out for my birthday, I picked the most expensive restaurant I could find. Two weeks later, he stopped calling/texting — I didn’t care because I knew it was going nowhere.

By: Judy

Judy — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:36:55 +0000

I am honored that I contributed to the journey!
Thank you for the affirmation, truly a compliment from a Goddess!

By: Dating Goddess

Dating Goddess — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 03:07:01 +0000

Judy — this is so good! You should be writing this blog!

I wish I had stuck to what you said with my last guy, as I did what you said and I forgave him for things I shouldn’t have. I was so enamored, and when it was good it was very, very good, so I overlooked those yellow flags. Sad, but true that even DG can fall for men who treat her badly sometimes. I think I’m wiser now!

By: Judy

Judy — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:52:58 +0000

Second red flag alert……… Second guessing yourself…..a red flag goes off in your head….he/she said or did something that doesn’t make sense. Example: You are dating for at least a month seeing each other at least once a week and open phone communication……he hasn’t called in three days…red flag! Second guessing is “oh maybe he has a business or family emergency.” You call and inquire about how he is because you are worried…that’s what we women do, nurture. Men’s nature is not to nurture. He doesn’t call back. You worry, wonder, what if, where, why thus ‘second guess’ and give him a way out. You say to yourself I have been comfortable and the happy feeling is great and you want it to continue, you give into the happy times and allow him to continue this behavior cause he may or not call. You my dear are in charge and that behavior is not acceptable. The mature, responsible considerate thing to do is for him to call and tell you what is going on. That is, if he wants to continue the relationship even if it is in a friendship basis. Men know how to create a lasting relationship they just take the easy way out and don’t. They are immediate creatures. Emotions take to much time and energy and detours from their conquest at hand.
Solution to the No Call Red Flag Alert…..Red means stop, regroup, heal, learn the lesson at hand and move on…Next please. I am worthy of love, joy & respect!!! There is a man out there that fits me.
If these red flags go off and ignored it is your choice to accept the “he wants you in his bed and not in his head.”

By: Judy

Judy — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:14:43 +0000

Let’s create a red flag alert check off list. Beginning with phone contact parameters. 1)Hours to call between. If he calls after 10:00pm to have a long deep meaningful conversation on a continous basis. My question is where was your meaningful self at 8 when I was more awake and responsive. Or, here is a good one, I am calling you now because I won’t be available later and just want to say hi then cutting the conversation short. RED FLAG….there may be someone else utlizing his time and you are second in line. If you accept second place maybe it is just a yellow caution flag.
Red flag alert number two. 2) When you are together with him his phone is more important than you. I understand emergencies but really most polite people will silent their phone when in the presense of someone that they want to have flowing reciprocal conversation with.
Red flag alert number three 3) He takes the phone with him to bathroom or out to his car to get something…whatever, and the timing is longer than it takes to get the job done.
We live in an immediate electronically connected world that has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I personally would like to experience the days when there were no cell phones and people actually have exchange all facets of communications in slow motion. “I have phone issues” :}

By: Mike

Mike — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:32:33 +0000

Taking it slow is always a good thing. You get to see a lot of those pot holes before you run into them.

Something fishy about him not wanting you in his part of the world.

By: Dating Goddess

Dating Goddess — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:25:28 +0000

Annie: Yes, really understanding what the other says they want can be a challenge. I kept asking him what he wanted in the relationship and his answer was always “you.” When I asked for clarification, he said, “All of you.” I took it at face value, when now I think he meant “all of you sexually.”

Jack: Good point. No one wants to be a prop. I think the key is balance. I’d be concerned too if we always went out with others, as you need some time alone to talk about important things. But I also know seeing someone around others gives you a different perspective on them. Around their friends, people are relaxed and elements of themselves come out that don’t when they are on their best behavior on a date.

By: Jack

Jack — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:19:37 +0000

I had an opposite experience: I was immediately introduced to her friends almost like an audition. We all got along fine but eventually every date was a social occasion with her friends. Our only alone time was…hmm..well you know. Once that cooled, I was dropped so the end result was the same. I had no idea I was simply a social prop and I fell for this woman and I’m no teenager (46). I’ll be very wary if the next woman I meet is eager to quickly integrate me into her social group.

By: Loving Annie

Loving Annie — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 20:54:47 +0000

Such a good point, and you illustrated it beautifully with that post.

I suspect he was an emotionally unavailable man, but regardless…

Asking exactly what someone wants with and from you, and understanding what they mean by their words (“love” can mean fidelity to one person and simply an affectionate greeting to another, for example…) is crucial…

It feels awkward or wrong somehow to pin someone on what thier intentions are, but I suspect if the other person is truly above-board, they won’t have a problem with being asked…

Assumptions can end up being disastrous.

In this case, his actions didn’t really match up to his words – although much of it certainly looked good, he wasn’t really stepping up to the plate for the kind of relationship you envisioned and expected given the amount of time you two were spending together.

Maybe falling in love should be subsituted for ‘getting to know someone slowly over time’ and not letting the chemistry/sexuality cloud your mind… Hard to do, but some cautious wisdom can save some heartache later on…