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Comment on Politics, religion and sex — oh my! by nysharon

nysharon — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:25:07 +0000

DG: I am on DAY 7 of on line dating. YES I did it. I went to a wedding alone last weekend, and decided to try it again. On this subject, I think you can often read behind the lines of their profile. Or you can use that as a door opener. Agreed with all of the above comments.
Bookyone: Why don’t you volunteer some time for the elections getting young voters involved or driving elderly to the polls. It would be a great way to get out there and meet men of your political beliefs in the South. The Obama campaign is looking for help in the swing states, particulaly Florida. If you go to the web site there are options for just weekend help and who to call in your area. They arrange for you. I live in NY and they are looking for help in PA. Just a thought.

Comment on Politics, religion and sex — oh my! by Juliette

*Juliette* — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 02:38:00 +0000

I just started doing this sort of screening as well, after a frustrating month-long relationship in which I finally found out that the man and I had opposing views on exclusivity and intimacy. It’s much simpler to ask these questions up front, via email or on the phone before we meet. I make it into a question-and-answer game where I can ask whatever I want and he has to answer first and then ask a question of his own. Of course you can still end up with a lemon, like the apathetic man who does not have any solid views of his own, unless you just pass him by and keep looking for one with convictions you can admire or at least be comfortable with.

Comment on Politics, religion and sex — oh my! by Elena

Elena — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:29:41 +0000

Ah the travails, once again, of internet dating, where so often one is truly flying blind. If one is dating co-workers or friends of friends, these three areas, particularly politics and religion, become less of an issue from the outset because you’ll already know have a sense of that because of the way in which you’ve met the person, through work or through friends/relatives. You’ll usually know before even agreeing to a date whether or not that person has political views or religious views that are a dealbreaker for you.

But asking these kinds of questions upfront of a complete stranger, over the phone, before even meeting, wow, that’s a tough one. It really puts people on the defensive, making them feel like they’re being interviewed for a job or being interrogated. Too many people still believe the myth that they will find their “soul mate” effortlessly and they bristle at the idea that the person on the other end of the phone is sitting there taking notes and ruthlessly checking off items on a list.

Anyway, I still think you can ask these questions and still wind up with a lemon. Also, there are a lot of politically apathetic people out there. They may not share your political views but they also may not have any solid views of their own. They’re like political agnostics who don’t really care one way or the other about who is in office. I guess they’re called “independents.” Ha!

Comment on Politics, religion and sex — oh my! by LuckyatCards

LuckyatCards — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:57:01 +0000

I think two reasonable people can have opposing political views and be ok, although there will be a few touchy months during Presidential elections like the one we are in the midst of.

The religious and sex thing could be more difficult to navigate, though.

That said, I prefer to be with someone who shares political views similar to my own. It means I don’t have to bite my tongue as much.

Comment on Politics, religion and sex — oh my! by Patricia

Patricia — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 14:24:29 +0000

Just a note to bookyone (above.) I live in the south too, and have similar aversions to right-wing religiosity and political leanings. I also despaired of my chances to find someone compatible in this area of the country. But I did! Actually, I found two of them– dated one for two years and split up for other reasons, and have now found someone I think is my “prince.” On the internet! So you just never know…

Comment on Politics, religion and sex — oh my! by bookyone

bookyone — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 14:00:40 +0000

I now try to initiate a similar discussion before I agree to meet a man. I don’t want minute details on his sexual preferences, political leanings, or religious practices, but if his overview tells me he is off the scale of my comfort level, best to not even meet. I’ve been disappointed when I’ve taken time to learn about a man and meet him — or even date him for weeks or months — to then learn he has views or practices that are repellent to me — especially if he expects me to participate in them.

HI DG,

I agree 110% with the above! As a non-practicing spiritualist, I’m not comfortable with those who are overly religious; the same goes for political fanatics of the right wing variety, as I am a diehard liberal. Considering I live in the South at present, it’s not surprising to me that I’m single or that the vast majority of eligible men in my age range are not my cup of tea.

IMHO, it’s time to move back up North if I expect to meet my Prince Chow Mein or any man for that matter with similar values and interests as this native NYer.

Happy hunting and hugs from bookyone

Comment on Signs of endearment — or just habits? by nutmeg

nutmeg — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:33:53 +0000

In retrospect I have thought these men that acted in this way were very into me, and was astonished when they went ‘poof’. I could not figure it out until right now when I read this. I thought their behavior was indicative of their desire to be with me. I went out with this one man a few times, I honestly believed he could be the ‘one’. I was thrown for a loop when he disappeared, replaying in my head all of our interactions & not understanding his sudden loss of interest. This blog completely shifts my perspective & I’ll keep it in mind the next time I get carried away.

Comment on You treat yourself as you were treated by Liz

Liz — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 17:45:54 +0000

My life changed for the better when I read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz a few years ago. It is right on about what your post is talking about. He also authored the book “The Mastery of Love” which put everything into perspective for me and has helped me tremendously, also. I stopped blaming everyone and everything for where I was in my life and learned how to take control of it REGARDLESS of my past.

Comment on Where have all the good men gone? by NiceGirl51

NiceGirl51 — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 05:01:59 +0000

I’ve been on a couple of web sites and what I find most disappointing. Is the guys on there are not very truthful. Both had pictures that were as others have commented 10yrs. younger than what they really were.
Very disappointing.. Not that looks are that important but I have to admit
that if I’m not attracted physically- there is no way the relationship will progress. Not that he has to be an Adonis but, there has to be something about him that catches my eye.
Then, there was this guy I thought I totally clicked with on many levels.
At the time I contacted him on Yahoo, he lived in Omaha and I thought It would be OK. By the time he figured out I was firting with him. He was relocating back to MI. We continued to e-mail. He told me that there was a good possibility that he would have a job in KC. We planned to meet in neutral territory, after a month of emailing. To see if there would be any “chemistry”. I am so glad I didn’t meet him. Something told me that it wasn’t a good idea. The job never materalized. His life was in such a state of “flux”. Learned a very valuable lesson. Stay clear. Turned out that he wasn’t as put together as he said he was.

Comment on You treat yourself as you were treated by PreviouslyQueenofE

PreviouslyQueenofE — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 01:13:56 +0000

Awareness is the first step, DG! Like Judy, I too am the adult child of an alcoholic, and found help and serenity through my local AlAnon group. I had (and still have on occasion) those deep seated behaviors of not feeling “good enough”, and thereby putting up with some pretty wacked-out relationships, and it’s not easy nor is it quick to change those behaviors. My particular neediness centered around seeking appreciation for my physical attractiveness and sex appeal, while at the same time demanding appreciation for my brains. In other words, looking for someone else to give me the self-esteem I needed to feel within myself. The fix (which is ongoing) is very similar to Judy’s: I pray, and I self- affirm, and I focus on the positive things about ME. PLUS If I’m feeling particularly stuck in an unwanted behavior, I remember a specific time or event where I felt powerful, easy, confident, and successful, and intentionally make myself feel that way again. Then it’s easy to do what ever I need to do to protect my SELF.

best wishes and hugs as always