Casual sex

by Dating Goddess on May 19, 2011

His online profile mentioned that he loved sex, something that is usually a yellow flag as it says the man doesn’t have much of an appropriateness filter. But other things he shared made me give him some slack.

Half an hour into our first phone call, he said he “loved, loved, loved sex.” He suggested our first date be at his house to watch a move and if I wanted, stay over. I said I wasn’t comfortable going to a strange man’s house on the first date. I should have called it quits then, but I’d enjoyed most other aspects of our conversation.

Before we met, during our second call, he mentioned the previous Saturday night he was with a woman he used to date from Match.com. “I ended up staying the night” he shared. He now wanted to get together with me.

It was clear his attitude about sex was different than mine. He obviously felt no need or desire to be exclusive with someone with whom he was having sex, since he was trying to set up a date with me.

He asked if I wanted to get together. While I appreciated his candor, I didn’t want to get involved with someone who I felt I’d be fighting off throughout the evening because he clearly was only interested in one thing. And if we were to start seeing each other, I couldn’t trust that if we became intimate he’d be exclusive.

Is casual sex bad? Not between two people who have the same goals, are open about them and are responsible. But it’s not for me.

So I was grateful he laid out his hand so clearly and so soon. It saved me a lot of time and headache.

Have you gone out with someone who clearly wanted only casual sex when you wanted more? If so, how did you deal with it?
________________

Want to understand more about how different sexual expectations affect dating relationships? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Vicki May 20, 2011 at 4:58 am

It’s not a yellow flag, it is a gigantic RED flag!! It means he’s a sex addict!! RUN, don’t walk, away from this man.

Adam Gilad’s ebook “Right Man Online” clearly lays out the character qualities of a quality man, but he also lists the red flags to avoid, and this is a big one.

This guy probably has all sorts of STDs and various sexual issues that his profile won’t tell you. A well adjusted man who has no sexual addictions or other problems (rapists, pedophiles, etc etc) will NEVER go on and on about sex in his profile or on the phone with you.

Avoid this man like the plague he is probably spreading….

ivy@ onlinedating May 20, 2011 at 8:28 am

that kind of man is so scary…for me a good man will not tackle about sex at your first phone call!….great post to read, keep it up!.

t May 20, 2011 at 8:47 am

Yeah I agree. I wouldn’t have continued talking to him after he started the sex talk. I don’t care if I did enjoy his conversation.

But that was not what your question. How did I deal with it? I removed myself from his company…distanced myself and became busy and he got the hint. If you keep hanging around and listening to the casual sex talk believe it or not, you will get talked into it. If your stance is no casual sex then don’t be around people who practice it.

Kate May 20, 2011 at 9:04 am

A former love interest, now friend, forwarded me a joke re: men and commitment — The gist of it was WHY IN THE WORLD would any sane guy ever commit to a woman when it would mean the end of frequent (or even occasional) opportunities for casual sex with “thin, big-breasted” women. It’s my experience that if the man is reasonably attractive, fit/healthy (I’m in an increasing decrepit older age group), financially solvent — he still just wants to play. Take away fitness (health, though particularly financial) – and the guy knows and acts like his days are limited – and seems almost desperate. He will “settle” for a real woman. It reminds me of my late 30′s when female friends were so conscious of their ticking biological clock that they became motivated to choose a less than perfect guy. My firm opinion re: casual sex is the cliche: Why buy the cow, when the milk is free…..?

Mitsy May 20, 2011 at 11:20 am

I haven’t had that exact same experience, but I did go out with a guy who had made it clear that sex did not invoke the commitment for him that it did for me. I’m not sure why I even went on that date, but we met at a restaurant (when I was doing online dating) & I found him a lot easier to talk to via the phone rather than in person. He was also a much shorter, slight of build type of guy (not what his picture showed). I thanked him for the dinner and later got an email from him asking me “what did I think?”

I wrote him back that while I thought he was nice, I had some time to think about our differences and I thought there were too many to warrant seeing each other again. The only thing I indicated as a complete non-match was our thoughts about sex because I simply could not do casual sex. Maybe my thought was that once he met me, he could see that I was not the roll-in-the-hay kind of woman. However, he wasn’t someone I would have wanted to have slept with under any circumstances.

I chalked that experience up to my being naive in thinking we could work something like that out if I found him attractive (physically & personality) otherwise. I was let down on both counts. Last I knew, he STILL had an online profile on Match. I bet he’s found a lot more women who weren’t into the casual sex either. I’m sure he’s found some willing as well. I would not ever be one of them though.

Brenda May 22, 2011 at 7:55 am

I went out with a man ( a pilot no less) whose profile on match.com said single, etc, and for the 1 1/2 weeks prior to our date, he texted and emailed constantly (he was on a long flight abroad – actually two 6 day stints), giving me his flight schedule for the next two months, telling me all kinds of personal information, sending me photos from his cell phone of what he was doing abroad – on the beach etc.

Date night came, we went for dinner and jazz, and at the end of the date, he made it very clear (in very graphic terms) that he wanted to come home with me – and he started to tell me exactly what he wanted to do. It was scary! I politely declined, despite his big push, and found out the next day via online sources that he was actually married and lived with his family out of state, but was flying out of my area for his major airline – ugh! Nice!

Karen May 23, 2011 at 1:54 am

If it’s not the type of relationship that you’re looking for, why would you even talk/see him? But at least he was up front about it.

It’s worse when men won’t tell you what they want, and then when they find out what you want, they fake like they want the same things.

Kate May 23, 2011 at 5:50 pm

When I first split up from my husband 18 months ago, I didn’t really know myself and didn’t know my path. Everything was new. I did the dating thing, then I decided to try the casual sex thing. I realised I could do it, but I didn’t want to. It was very empowering to experientially come to a point of confidence knowing what I was (am) looking for. I love sex, and miss having a partner. But having casual partners, while physically good, was ultimately unsatisfying. I know this for a fact, and it’s been a very important part of my journey.

Richard May 25, 2011 at 3:28 am

“Have you gone out with someone who clearly wanted only casual sex when you wanted more? If so, how did you deal with it?”

Why is this any different than any other incompatibility? You want someone financially stable, and he has credit card debt equal to most people’s mortgages. You find out that he drinks like a fish on the weekends, and you prefer someone more sober.

If the other person is only interested in casual sex, and not a LTR, then thank them for a nice time and say that you don’t think it will work out between the two of you.

But, what if you find him enchanting, he is looking for an LTR, but also wants to start having sex long before you are ready? If he is not willing to wait until you are ready, then that says a lot about how you may have a problem resolving other issues.

I haven’t figured out what I would do if she doesn’t want to have sex until the wedding night. Not that I could not wait. But, I would not want to wait until after we are married to find out there is an incompatibility.

Pam May 26, 2011 at 10:16 pm

It’s nice to know there are others out there who have experienced similar issues. I have been single for 5 years. I’ve tried casual sex which is definitey unfulfilling. But. I seem to find many men out there who pretend to want an ltr. But, they really just want casual sex. So, I just continue in my search for a really nice man who would commit to a relationship and one I have the hots for too. Someday. I believe it will happen for me. And I wish the same for you. Just keep your chin up. Meanwhile, join a hiking group or something. Having a man isn’t everything

Just wondering June 8, 2011 at 6:31 am

I agree some men are not honest. They say one thing but want something else. If he wants casual sex (and he is honest about it) and you don’t, there is no reason to disrespect him or accuse him of having STDs and such.

I agree that sex was in a way life-threatening a few centuries ago. Disease, no birth control, dying at birth, needing support from a man after the child is born etc etc but ladies, this is 2011.

I am not denying that some men are still acting like in the stone age but some of you ladies are also acting like in the stone age.

Why are some women still afraid of sex today?

Mitsy June 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

For me, I have to be in a relationship with someone (I truly care about) to have sex. And now that I’m older (and wiser), it’s going to have to be for the long haul. I’m even more gun-shy now than a few years ago when it comes to things like this. I had sex with a guy I met online much too soon (who later left town without telling me) and regretted it for months afterwards. What a loser he was. So, while I don’t have to have a wedding ring, I do need more of a commitment than some could give. That guy that I referred to who was into more casual sex indicated that if he was dating someone, he WAS faithful, so that wasn’t the issue–it was the fact that he was not going to go without it “in between” relationships so he did do casual sex in between. That also was not my M.O. so no, we weren’t compatible. I still run into this guy from time to time & we do talk, but he is never with another woman. Not really surprised. Last time I looked, he still had his profile on match.com.

J June 14, 2011 at 8:22 pm

The red flags are there from the beginning, for sure.

My last partner turned out to be a genuine-article, dyed-in-the-wool sex-addict.

If I had listened to my gut on the first date, the first week, the first three months, even, I wouldn’t have spent 2. 5 years with someone who was cheating on me the entire time with escorts, and staying up until all hours of the night in chat-rooms and looking at pornography.

What do you do? You listen to your gut. If there’s even the slightest nagging doubt that something just isn’t right, do not ignore it, ever. Even if you have lots of baggage of your own that might make you think the problem is all yours. Because he’ll be perfectly willing to let you believe that the problem is all yours. In fact, he’ll insist.

You are better off walking away from a good guy who looks fishy, than you are giving a chance to a guy who looks like he “might” be good, but IS fishy.

Richard June 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm

“Why are some women still afraid of sex today?”

Because there is more to sex than sex. Sex in a committed relationship transcends the act. The more you do it casually, the more you become desensitized to what more it can be.

J June 16, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Richard: Well said.

Mitsy June 17, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I agree, Richard & J, if you don’t do sex so casually, you are more likely to find the right mate who values it (intimacy) as much as you do. There are always going to be plenty of people willing to sleep with whoever is willing. I’m not in that group and would not want a guy who thought that lifestyle was OK. Sometimes listening to our gut is our best defense–even if that means having far fewer dates. I know I would rather spend the evening alone than with a guy whose main motivation for going out was to have sex. I’m just “not” that desperate.

Kaliphornia September 20, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I think casual sex is almost always a dismal failure, but what do I know? I’ve never been able to pull off casual sex anyway. I’d think you’d have to be the kind of person who doesn’t get very attached to be good at it.

Robert December 1, 2012 at 8:51 am

Interesting perspective. Males by nature are usually the agressor. However, there are exceptions to the rule. Yet, if one is advertising themselves on a casual site, what else would one expect?

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: