• Ask the Goddess

I get asked a lot of questions from those new to the dating scene. So feel free to ask me a question by just writing it here.

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Marta September 12, 2006 at 6:57 pm

Hi Goddess,

I am really enjoying your blog. I am about to turn 40 and must confess a bit scared to get out there in the dating world so I commend you. Reading your blog is beginning to inspire me to try one of those dating websites. I was watching the movie “Must Love Dogs” and wondered if you ever tried PerfectMatch.com? If not, have you heard anything about it?

Thanks,
M

Dating Goddess September 12, 2006 at 8:39 pm

Hi Marta:

Thank you for your kind comment about enjoying my blog. I enjoy writing it so am glad you enjoy reading it!

Yes, I did try PerfectMatch for a little while, but withdrew my profile, I don’t remember exactly why. I think it might have been the quality of the responses I got (men who didn’t match any of my criteria but wanted to hook up). The best for me so far has been Match.com, as I get a lot of contacts from men who are better prospects.

But I hope my blog helps you see that you need to enjoy the process and not focus on all the mismatches. As I’ve said, some of the men who weren’t good romantic matches have become treasures in my life as wonderful pals that I’d be sorry if I hadn’t met. So don’t get depressed if Mr. Right doesn’t come along right away. Remember, I’m on #66, and have had several 6-week and one 6-month relationship, but have yet to find “the one.” But then, I wasn’t looking for “the one” until I’d dated enough to see what I really wanted. So have fun and experiment, even if a guy doesn’t seem like a perfect match!

Gatti December 18, 2006 at 2:07 pm

Boy, am I glad to have found your blog! I’m back in the dating game after four years with a partner and just wasn’t finding answers to questions I had. Most of the sites I found seemed to relate to teen dating (like multi-dating meant multi-sex-partners).

I’ve been using a dating site here in the UK and have had a couple of dates so far, plus a number of correspondences. I think British men are definitely more reserved than American (I’m American born, and also lived in Germany).

I’ve just had one gentleman go all wonky because he’d seen I’d modified my profile. Hello? How do you deal with someone who thinks they’re “exclusive” when you haven’t even talked on the phone with them yet? Is this just lack of experience on their part? Actually, he lives much too far away, at the other end of the country, and it turns out that we know some people in common which I’m not sure is a good thing.

I will be visiting your blog again, I know, and I’m sure some crisis will require some advice!

Thanks!

Gatti

Erin January 27, 2007 at 8:12 pm

Hi, DG. As someone who is in her 40′s and dating, I really appreciate your candor and sense of humor. I have a question though: I read your post about your interview with the radio personality from Portland where you told him to visit your personal web site to see your picture. I have looked on the datinggoddess web site but haven’t found a pic of you. Am I missing something?
Thanks,
Erin

Jenna February 12, 2007 at 1:03 pm

Hi DG,

I work for a PR firm in San Francisco and one of our clients is a webdating service. Since you write a blog specifically on online dating, I was wondering if I could get your contact info (name, phone #, e-mail address). I appreciate your help!

Jenna

wildirishrose February 22, 2007 at 7:51 am

why do men in their 50′s act like little horndogs? I enjoy going into the chat rooms and talk toothers but all the im’s I get are sexually suggestive. Why can’t I enjopy the room and be left alone by these pervs?

Kristin S February 24, 2007 at 2:55 am

My issue is that I am not sure how I feel anymore about dating. I was married once and have two great children, ages 16 and 12. I am at a good place in my life with hobbies and good work that keep me busy.

I had two serious boyfriends since my divoerce 8 years ago – both poor matches. It is feeling to me almost happier to be alone. I don’t feel the hassle of negotiating with someone. My time is for me…yet I still would like someone special who cares about me and the small things in my day to day.

I tried Match.com but after a few dates I just felt tired of the process. I have always been one to give too much of myself away, and for the first time in my life am really enjoying me. But goodness, I haven’t had sex in two years! Surely there must be a balance.

I’ve had this idea that I would just not look anymore, but if someone came along while I’m enjoying my interests, then great. But how long will I have to wait. I am also self-employed and work through my home, and am feeling a tad isolated lately. My female friends are often so busy with their lives and kids too, it just seems hard to connect with anyone at times.

Any suggestions? Shall I just stay the course, focus on my hobbies, work, kids and maybe that someone will come along. Or should I really “try” to look…although the trying never seems to work for me.

When it comes to love, is a more self-focused attitude better for getting what we want out of life, or should we really be looking?

And the bottom line for me is that I’m just not willing to waste any more of my precious time on people that are not good for me. But I think I lack experience in figuring out who would be good, so I’m just tossing the whole thing aside and letting fate take it’s course. Is this really best?

SOund confused or just at one of those in-between places in life?

Cathe March 11, 2007 at 3:12 pm

I am triying March.com. but I seem like I can’t get enough attention from people because i don’t want to post my photos. I have to let my profile standing out. Is there someone you know and who can help me modify my profile? I need your help! I will pay for it.

Cathe

Dating Goddess March 14, 2007 at 8:17 am

I just read an article with a reference to , http://evanmarkkatz.com. I don’t know anything more about him.

Keith Leust April 3, 2007 at 6:52 pm

Hi,

I recently came across your site and thought WOW someone with a fresh and honest perspective.

Keith Leust

carol April 23, 2007 at 1:02 pm

Hi Dating Goddess, I love your site but I do have a question. How do I go about googling someone? If I have his name and city and state is there a way to get his email address? I know for sure he has one, maybe more! Also, do I have to pay to get in order to get any sort of background info? Thank u so much and keep up the great work on your website. Carol

tim April 24, 2007 at 4:02 pm

Online profiles by women in the 40+ catagory often contain the phrase “no drama”.
I’m a little embarrassed to say that in the relationship context, I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. Your thoughts and a few examples would be helpful!
thanks…

Anthony April 28, 2007 at 10:19 am

I’m a single male in my early 50s trying to date. I meet mostly women in their 40s which is fine with me. A problem that keeps occurring is this: The women I try to date seem to lead extremely hectic lives – driving their kids here and there, arranging dates with their girlfriends, taking care of extended family members, as well holding down fulltime jobs. They don’t seem to make dating and developing romantic relationships a priority. Silicon Valley is a tough place to date and form romantic relationships so why do so many 40-something women make things even more difficult? I’m a very young looking 50-something so I’m seriously considering forgetting about the 40-something women and going for the 30-something ones who have more time and greater interest in dating. By the way, the 50-something women are just as bad as the 40-somethings.

Dating Goddess April 28, 2007 at 10:35 am

Anthony:

If someone is “too busy” they really aren’t ready to explore finding a match. I wouldn’t abandon your search for someone in your own age bracket, but be a bit more patient. Unless you’re looking to have kids, many women in their 30′s have that as a goal. Older women have either done that already or have decided that path isn’t for them.

tam May 26, 2007 at 9:54 pm

Dating Goddess,
I am currently on several dating sites and was very intrested in meeting a British guy. All of the sites I am on do not have a real area for meeting UK men.
I belong to match.com, yahoo, and myspace here in the NW.
I would like to be able to show my profile for men in the UK looking
for American women. I havent been able to find a site yet that allows me to
do this.
Any suggestions.
thanks
tam

TAS - Broken Heart May 28, 2007 at 6:43 pm

I don’t have any ex-husbands, but there are the ex-boyfriends. I don’t stay in touch with any of them nor have they stayed in touch with me. They just weren’t the best of relationships to begin with so why think it’s going to change?

I don’t know if anyone can shed some light on my particular situation or not, but maybe someone can at least put a different light on it? Or share their opinion.

I was getting seriously involved with a man I knew from work. We had worked together 2 years before both getting layed off from our jobs. I had always liked him (Brian). I got up the nerve to tell him and we went on from there. He would call saying he missed me and was thinking of me. We shared a lot of intimate things with each other. We talked a lot on the phone, and got together a couple of times. I’m thinking we are hitting it off, but slowly which was fine. Broken hearts and all that from the past. But…

We don’t live that far from each other so it’s not like there is a problem with travel.I’m east bay he’s south bay. But we just didn’t get together as much as I would like to have done. I don’t know why either really, I’ve only seen him once this year!! We have both been busy looking for work and dealing with the stress of it. But we have since both found work in the past 3 months. But still we can’t find time to be together?

He’s unfortunately a divorced man, it happens, and it’s sad for both parties most of the time no matter what the situation was that caused the breakup. He has divorced twice, both times having children. The first wife is remarried on the east coast, second wife is here on the west coast, and lives pretty close to him. They share time with their 7 year old son.

They have been divorced around 5 years, they have managed to keep on good terms. It’s great for their son I’m sure. It’s great that they can be adults and not fight or be hurtful to each other.

My problem? Issue? Concern? I’m not totally sure what it is I’m feeling, is that they spend a great deal of time together. Like they are still married, time together. She is always finding ways to need him. She lives back with her parents and is 47. Before this she lived in the Townhouse they used to share (her parents owned it). She had a mutual friend as a roommate, but was always uncomfortable around him, so she would have Brian come over and hang out with her and their son. He even went so far as to let this roommate know that she was not interested in him and to back off.

She made plans for them this weekend (memorial day) to go to the beach, a beach that is in monterey california, and holds a great deal of emotional meaning for Brian, but of course she also had her sister and nephew along, but still. She needs him to drive her sister in-law and her sister around to show them the sights, she needs him to help her move back home, she needs him to pick her and her family up at the airport, she needs someone to help her manage the family, she tells him he can stay at their house, all the time this goes on, she is always needing him for something that another friend or family member could do or help her out with.

I know all this because he tells me. He doesn’t hide it from me, he just tells me. No questions asked. It’s a statement. I know about their past, for the most part. I know what ended the marriage. I don’t understand why they have this need to be together all the time. I get the feeling that they fill the empty place that their divorce left, she doesn’t want him sexually anymore but she also doesn’t want to be alone, he doesn’t want to be alone, but wants the sexual intimacy. They act like they are still married in so many ways. And yet he can’t find the time to spend with me, no weekends, no weeknights, just a couple of phone calls, saying he misses me. It’s not fair in my eyes to be treated this way, by someone I care about, and who still has deep feelings, for his ex-wife. Who he refers to as the “good one” since his first marriage was so bad. The good wife who stopped having sex with him right after his son was born, and then divorced him.

I finally told him that I couldn’t be there anymore. I didn’t want to be the person filling in for the sex while he played house with her. It’s been painful and it hurts. Especially when you invest so much time and emotion in someone. I’m not jealous of their friendship, it’s for the benefit of their son they are good friends, I’m just upset he can’t find time for me in his life, but has time for her.

I knew about their friendship, I just didn’t know how far into it they both were, or at least seem to be.

Am I wrong for being upset? Am I wrong for ending it? Did I over react? I felt like a third wheel, not a girlfriend.

I think being friends with an ex is great, especially if children are involved. It’s good for them to see their parents as friends. But where do you draw the line? When does it become too much? Should someone always get the short end of the stick?

Maybe you can shed some light on what I’m dealing with. Was I foolish? Is he the one with the problem? I don’t know and I’m needing some input.

Thanks much,
TAS

Dating Goddess May 28, 2007 at 7:13 pm

Hi TAS:

As difficult as it was to end it, there wasn’t a lot to end, was there? Seeing each other once in 5 months isn’t really dating since you’re less than an hour away. But I understand you had a connection, so do morn that loss.

She manipulated him to be with her, but he willingly obliged, so it’s how they like the relationship. And he put her needs (e.g., picking up from the airport) ahead of yours, so it’s clear where his priorities are. I once “dated” a man who lived an hour’s drive away, and even without kids or other family stalling him, we’d only see each other once every 2 weeks. I finally pulled the plug, as that wasn’t my idea of a healthy relationship.

So you did the right thing for you. As you may know, the Bay Area is the top place in the country to meet successful, educated, fit men over 35, so embrace the banquet that is before you and see other men!

Kaye July 19, 2007 at 6:53 am

I’m on Match.com. I usually don’t initiate contact with men who don’t post a photo. I’ve assumed that if there’s no photo they are either very unattractive or married. I recently dated a man who didn’t have a photo posted, but when he contacted me he sent a photo. He said he didn’t have one posted because he lives in a small religious community and wants to protect his privacy. That checked out, but I found upon getting to know him he has other things to hide as well – like that he smokes and is 6 years older than his Match profile states. More recently I have initiated contact with a guy who has no “head shot” but has a couple photos of him at a distance, so you can’t really tell what he looks like. We’ve emailed a bit outside of Match, and I ended up with enough info to Google him. Turns out, he was a psychologist and was disciplined by the board for having an inappropriate relationship with a client. For me, this is too great a lack of integrity for me to continue a relationship. My question – Have you found that when there’s no photo, they have something to hide, and not just their looks?

angie July 31, 2007 at 1:03 pm

im 21 me and this guy and I have just recently started what u could call a dating relationship and its long distance so u know how important communication is. We have spent literally hours on the phone and we have talked about everything and it feels like on my side that my conversation is growing drie and I need some deep substantial conversation topics to converse with him over because were both deep people and we want our relationship to hold up so could u help me.

Lulu August 16, 2007 at 1:36 am

Dating Goddess, you may have saved my sanity. Your humour and insight have been guiding lights for me since i found your site. I have returned to dating in my early fifties after spending years working and raising a family. I found that trying to understand men and relationships, and myself, is no easier this time around than it was when I was an eighteen year old student. The confusion has given me an appetite for understanding more about human relationships in general, and I have decided to retrain as a psychotherapist here in the UK. My course begins in October.
My question for you is this: how much of the confusion in male/female relationships can be put down to the old theory that ‘all men have aspergers’. If all women are empathisers, and men are systemisers (excuse the generalisations here) what hope can there be, except to accept each other with all our foibles and try to manage as best we can, which is what men and women have been doing for centuries. Have you noticed how a common theme is that we women are always wondering why men behave as they do, while the men carry on regardless? Nowadays, all my previous agonising just makes me want to giggle!

Michele October 7, 2009 at 10:48 am

Dear Dating Goddess:

I just discovered your blog today. It’s absolutely brilliant. I, too, at the age of 41, have just been released back into the dating pool, and, truthfully, it terrifies me.

I wanted to get an opinion.

It’s only been 2 months since my ex-boyfriend of 5 years and I split. He is the one who did the breaking. In fairness to him, he was a complete gentleman about it: there was no other woman, he didn’t get nasty, and he tried to make it as painless as possible. I, for my part, tried to handle it with as much grace and dignity as possible. We parted on friendly terms.

But my question is: How do I tell when I’m ready to start dating again?

My Ex is the first person I ever actually dated. I admit that sounds odd, but it’s the truth. I had flings. I was the “friend with benefits”. And, honestly, I was probably a lot less in many cases. But he is the first man I ever actually dated.

So, the thought of actually dipping my toe in the dating pool again absolutely terrifies me. Mind numbing, nausea inducing, panic attack style terrifies me.

Any suggestions/advice on how to proceed from here?

Cyah S. October 12, 2009 at 11:42 am

Hey Goddess,
I now find myself at the great age of 48 but have been out of the dating scene for quite a few years. This is primarily due to a divorce and getting back into the “swing of things”. I joined eHarmony and found it lacking…nothing like the commercial. I was on it for almost 6 months and finally got disgusted with it. I had lots of matches but no one would reply in a timley manner. FYI…I consider 2 weeks to be more than long enough to make a response , wether to indicate no interest or not!…maybe its just me. Well I joined another site..Match and it seems that I have to agree with the comment about ‘no pics’ . Most of those I have cintact with was either in relationships or not as handsome as they protrayed themselves to be. Now I like eye candy like anyone else but thats not the main reason Im looking for someone. My Grandmother used to say “Pretty seems to be what ugly can be” and it took me a long time and 2 divorces to realize exactly what she means!
Now I find myself becoming jaded about meeting new people online.
The men that I have found to have mutual interest I later find seems to think I’d make an ideal sex toy/dominatrix/mother/plaything, not a lover/friend/life partner etc. If they were close to me at the time I would have grabbed a fist full of short hairs and crocheted them a necklace….But alas I havent been given the opportunity as of yet. Hmmmmmm…. God does look out for fools and children doesnt he?
Any tips Goddess?

Jess November 6, 2009 at 2:47 pm

While in the hospital I had a handsome,funny,sexy male nurse from the bronx. should I forget about him or call and ask for him? I’m not sure what his schedule is though!

Sue March 9, 2011 at 11:58 am

Regarding posting photos on dating sites like Match.com, sorry, but to get results you should post one. If you don’t feel photogenic, I recommend getting or borrowing a laptop computer with a camera on it or a digital camera with tripod and photographing yourself 1000 times if necessary to get that flattering shot. Facing a window lights up your whole face and fills in the wrinkles. Dress to show off your best features without revealing too much.

Regarding men without pictures, I have met many who were exceptionally handsome and accomplished. Some sent their pictures before we met, some I didn’t ask to. The reason they didn’t post their photos was the same reason I don’t particular like posting mine: they are private people.

Veronica May 3, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I enjoy reading your blog and particularly enjoyed a post I found in the archives entitled “50 ways to leave your lover”. I thought I might share with you a personal story of my own. I’m a bit embarrassed about this, but cut me a little slack, this happened 20+ years ago, and I was an emotional, young college girl at the time (an English Lit/Drama major no less). I had been romantically involved with this guy for about six months and it seemed to me that we just couldn’t take things to the
next level and it would be in both of our interests to move on. So one
day, I decided to have a heart to heart chat with him, going to great lengths to be sensitive to his feelings, and getting a little emotional in the process of saying it was time to end things. His response? Well, very casual, dry (he was an engineering major, go figure) and hmmm, maybe even a little cheerful. He said with a smile, “yeah, you’re right, it’s probably the best thing.” Well, I was stunned by his lack of disappointment and asked if that was all he had to say. He again replied casually, “yeah, I think that’s about it.” I had invested the past six months of my life with this guy and he didnt seem to be the least bit upset that I was breaking up with him?! What a blow to my self-esteem and that was more than I could take. I stood up from the bench we were sitting on in the heart of the campus quad, gently lifted his chin (by the look on his face, he may have been expecting a good bye kiss) and then SMACK — he got a hearty slap, right across the face. Of course I tormed off in a huff, a complete, emotional wreck.

Later on, I talked about it with a few of my sorority sisters and of course got hugged, consoled, etc. Then one of my sisters said something like “so wait a minute….you broke up with him and then
slapped him?”. It then occurred to me how ridiculous the scenario was!
Laughter ensued along with lots of good-natured teasing from my
friends.

The story doesn’t end there. A few days later, he sent me flowers and
an apology card. I’m not sure if the poor guy even knew what he was
apologizing for! ;-)

Lila March 2, 2013 at 11:32 pm

Dating Goddess:
You’ve been on a lot of dates, are smart & aware about the process, are presumably a good catch in all the generally sought ways, yet have not found a “the one”, or it sounds like not even a “he was the one for an extended period of time, until the situation changed”.

Do you ever think that dating really doesn’t have that much to do with finding the right person to be in a relationship with? It seems like dating, done properly, should lead to relationship with only a question of time, but in the experiences I hear about, dating doesn’t seem very connected to relationships. It seems to me that good relationships seem to happen more by fate or miracle than by number of potential matches met. And I’m talking even after an effective screening process.

I’ve come to believe that dating is like the lottery: meeting a well-screened potential for a date is like buying one lottery ticket. The chances of that date becoming a relationship are about the same as that ticket winning the lottery. So you meet 100 well-screened dates — that’s like buying a 100 lottery tickets. 100 times the chance of winning as with one ticket, but still miniscule.

So how do relationships happen? Because some people are finding them. From experiences I hear about; I think a variety of mysterious, miraculous ways; when you are ready and fate/God/life decide it is your time for a relationship.

To me, the lesson is: date if you enjoy dating, but don’t think it leads to a relationship any more reliably than buying lottery tickets leads to winning riches. If dating worked as a process, wouldn’t you yourself, Dating Goddess, be done with dating, (and in a long-term relationship)? Doesn’t your extended period of dating point out the ineffectiveness of the dating process. I’m serious, I’d love to know your take on this.

-Lila (who dated and decided the process was ineffectual, and then met someone, yes, on a date! But I can’t really claim it was the process, anymore than if I won the lottery I could tell someone else how to have a reasonable chance of winning. It seems like it was really more just a miracle or even completely random occurrence. )

PS And if you weren’t dating anymore, what would that do to your vocation, and this blog?

Dating Goddess March 3, 2013 at 7:04 pm

Hi Lila:

Good questions! Some of this I’ve wondered about myself!

Just to be clear, I have had beaus throughout my dating adventure. Some for up to 6 months. But for whatever reason one or both of us saw it wasn’t going to work.

I think one of the underrated values of dating is you get to learn a lot about yourself if you pay attention. You get to see who you like to be around, how you feel in certain men’s presence, what triggers you, etc. Yes, the ultimate goal is to find a long-term partner, but some people take the first person who seems reasonable, without being clear on what they really want. So after a few months/years, they see this person isn’t really a match so they start all over again.

I’ve had friends get partnered with people after dating only a few people. I’m happy for them. However, I find that because of my life situation and career, I really need someone truly special. I need someone who is not just a nice guy. There are plenty of those guys around and they are perfect for a lot of women.

So I’m afraid I fall more in the needle-in-the-haystack camp. I have dated a lot of men because if I don’t, the chances of Mr. Great falling in my lap are pretty low. So I continue to learn about myself and about men and keep the adventure going!

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