Comments on: Are your conversational habits costing you dates?

By: Liz

Liz — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:51:53 +0000

I totally agree with this pre-screening over the phone first and only will meet the person after we have had a phone conversation. You can find out a lot about a person in just a few minutes over the phone.

By: carol

carol — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:08:28 +0000

communication is very important in a relationship especially for singles since there’s always a need to express ourselves clearly and put our thoughts in words. I totally agree with getting to know the person first by talking over the phone before finally going out with him or her, it’s a great way to assess the chemistry before proceeding in a relationship.

great post. loved it.

By: Mitsy

Mitsy — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:56:30 +0000

I might not have dated as many as Goddess has, but I agree about finding someone just for the sake of having someone to go out with. I’m also not so desperate that I’d settle for someone I truly was not interested in. There has to be “some” chemistry there for it to work. And when it comes to dealbreakers, you need to decide what is a real dealbreaker and what could be negotiated. For me, I had to learn some hard lessons on that. And learning it the first time prevents a second offense from happening again. I had let my dealbreaker list fall out of my consciousness and that allowed for some extreme heartbreak. The one guy, who was in the process of a divorce, left town without even calling me. Dealbreaker you don’t forget: DO NOT get involved with someone who is not totally divorced; in fact, don’t go out with them until they have some time as a single guy under their belt. Don’t be their rebound relationship. My last relationship was with a guy I did love (still do) but he turned out to have an alcohol addiction that proved to be too much for me to deal with. If he sought treatment and had so many months of sobriety under his belt, it MIGHT still work, but until then, I can’t wait for that to happen. My mistake was not learning much sooner that his alcohol use was not just a temporary “phase” and that it was a long-term problem which he refused (and still refuses) to seek treatment for. I don’t have a problem with someone drinking a beer or two, but I typically went for guys who didn’t drink at all (like myself) thinking that was one less obstacle to worry about. I never planned to fall in love with an alcoholic. Life just is not easy and if we never venture out, we never wind up with ANYONE to date. The trick is to filter out the bad apples before they’ve found a place in your heart. As most people know, that’s MUCH easier said than done.

By: Dating Goddess

Dating Goddess — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 04:30:18 +0000

Hi Mark:

Yes, I’ve had a lot of dates in the last 4.5 years. But if you’ve been reading this blog for long, you’ll know that in the beginning I was not dating to find The One as much as to find me — what I wanted after my 20-year marriage ended.

So when you ask “…has nothing worked out so far?” it depends on your definition of “worked out.” I’ve had several 6-month relationships, the last one broke up with me. Am I a significant part of the problem? As much as anyone who is clear on what they want, what they will compromise on and what they won’t. There have been plenty of men who thought I was The One, but I didn’t return their ardor. Should I have settled for a man who I knew I wouldn’t be happy with? I doubt you’d think that wise.

Am I being too picky? Because at this stage of my life I don’t HAVE to be with a man to be happy, I want to be with a man I will be happy with. If a man is self-absorbed, oafish, immature, or emotionally unavailable, I will be much happier continuing my quest than to be with someone who will drive me crazy — and not in a good way!

You’re right I’m giving advice on how not to find someone. I want my readers to find someone who they can be happy with long-term, not just a warm body with whom to go to the movies or have sex. If that’s all I wanted in a partner, I could have settled on my first post-divorce beau who tried several times to rekindle our relationship, but who had too many deal breakers about things I could not live with. So best to keep looking than to just hook up with someone who I knew I could never love.

By: Mark

Mark — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 04:09:18 +0000

Mitsy, I think when we reach middle age, chances are overwhelmingly against things working out with any individual date, because we are set in our ways and the person we date is set in his or her ways.

We have to really want a permanent relationship, and be willing to compromise on a lot of the deal-breakers we have on our list to make something work.

And I don’t mean to call out Dating Goddess, but with as many dates with as many different men as she’s had, and nothing has worked out so far? Doesn’t it seem likely that she’s at least a significant part of the problem? It’s more like she’s giving advice on how not find someone, how not to have things work out.