I watched Steve Harvey promote his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man on Oprah the other day. (I’ll review his book for you later.) Steve talked about how women give “it” up to men too easily, without making the man earn it. And a man doesn’t respect anything he doesn’t have to earn.
By “it” Steve meant not only sex, but a woman’s heart. I’ve read this in other sources too. One man bragged about how easily he could get a woman to forgive him for some selfish act. “Just bring her a $5 bouquet and she gets all gooey eyed. Or just beg her to forgive you over the phone and you don’t even have to spring for flowers!”
I’m afraid these men are right a lot of the time. A man can treat us horribly and if he says or does the right things in the moment, we forgive him. He may or may not promise to ever repeat the behavior. And even if he does promise to clean up his act, he doesn’t have to follow through as he knows the next time it happens, he can cheaply buy his way back into our hearts — and beds.
I’ve experienced this myself even though I know better. If a man with whom I am smitten has done something disrespectful, selfish, or uncaring yet apologizes profusely, I’ve forgiven him. If he tops it with words of undying devotion, even better. And if this apology is punctuated with flowers, yep, I’m usually a goner. And often he is a goner — as in gone — before too long, by exiting himself. His apologies were a ruse to stick around until he was done with me.
Why do we let our emotions be bought so easily? Why don’t we insist a man show us his ardor through his repeated actions of caring, not just short-term fixes?
I think so many women long for a loving connection that we interpret small actions as signs of long-term devotion. We don’t let the scenario play out for a bit to see if he is consistent in showing his interest and earning a place in our heart.
Have you let your emotions be bought easily in the past? If so, what did you learn to not repeat?
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Comments
9 responses to “Are women’s emotions bought too easily?”
I try to remember what other guys have told me, and even what the male-authored ‘guide to guys’ type of books out there say. I also have learned to erase the hope that they should think like we think…And, as a point of reference, I look at their past relationship history and try not to ignore red flags. The main thing I’ve learned for myself is to ask for what I need, and I try to do it in a way that allows him to respond without feeling pressured. If something doesn’t feel right to me, I ‘check it out’ with him. I just don’t let things go and allow myself to feel mistreated. What I’ve learned with my guy is he has in the past tried to take the path of least resistance when trying to ‘solve’ a problem with me. I won’t go in to details, and am just trying to summarize. Most recently, he did this path of least resistance thing with me by suggesting that for the time being lets just be friends. He defined what just being friends meant to him and illustrated how he did seem to still want me in his life, and directly stated such. This was his solution as he said I was uncomfortable with the situation, and he was powerless to change. I responded with a couple of thoughts. I told him ‘NO’ I will not be ‘just friends’ with him. I said you’re either in, or you’re out. I then told him that I am not hearing him ask me how we can fix the situation, and that I’m only hearing him tell me ‘lets be friends, I’m powerless.’
So, after I said ‘no’ to just friends and that I’ve noticed he didn’t have any solutions to offer for our situation and I said goobye to him (all this was just a couple of emails between us), he showed up where I work about 2 hours later to ask if we could talk. He didnt want to stop seeing me and I think things had to be pushed to the brink I guess, before he could figure out what he wanted. So we talked about solutions and things were not a big deal at all. LOL.
I think when I’m clear about how he should be treating me, and stay true to myself, it seems to work better for me.
I bought and read this book and found this book to offer some of the best dating advice I’ve ever received.
Pretty much everything Steve Harvey said in that book was spot on, and he is right about women offering their emotions too easily. It’s really true that all a man has to do is appologize over the phone, not even in person.
yeah i think we all can say this about forgiving to keep them happy but we forget it takes two to tango not one- take a deep breathe and step back and think first — am I happy with this– i have held back because i value myself if i am not appreciated it is not worth the effort if you are the only one giving we need to receive too
If women would act as a collective and be consistent in their interactions with men, our gender would be so much better off. Some women stay true to their beliefs and don’t let men off the hook for giving them cheesy candy/flower apologies or weak-assed text msging/email apologies. But then there are other women, probably a majority of women, who all they need to hear a guy say is “Gosh! I really don’t know what happened?” and the woman shuts him up by saying “Aww, it’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” In other words, the guy doesn’t even give a full, sincere apology but the woman has already forgiven him just for acknowledging her existence. It’s because of weak women like that that this situation between the sexes will never improve. Men know how to manipulate a woman just by paying a wee bit of attention to her.
I used to be one of those women. Mostly, I my experiences were inconsistent with the way men treated me. Here’s the thing, we teach people (men and women) how to treat us based on our well practiced beliefs and ways of being.
We do not need to be victims of circumstances in dating or in any other place in life.
Here’s to empowerment and self-mastery.
Nanette Geiger
I think women new to dating or recently separated/divorced are often so lonely and in need of attention and affection that they will forgive men almost anything. I made that mistake, and have learned from it. I agree that there needs to be a cultural change, women need to respect themselves and most men will respond to that.
In my experience, manipulation is their favorite tool, only because it works. Let’s face it as long as we women continue to think so little of ourselves, they also will think little of us, and continue with this negative behavior. It’s not demanding the world just to be treated with kindness and respect, this is common courtesy we are talking about. We wouldn’t put up with that kind of thing from solid girlfriends. And, the men would never treat their co-workers or friends that way. Be ready, the men who are practiced at this type of behavior will rebel at a healthy expectatons, and probably go a way. But if he can’t respect a healthy relationship, do you want him around?
Been there, done that, got the wilted flowers to prove it!! I am appalled at how gullible I can be sometimes, even while I am actually in the act of being gullible. I am aware of it, yet I still do it. I have since learned a little more self-preservation and strength. I think to myself…”is his apology heartfelt, or is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear, in hopes of avoiding my emotions (as well as his own)?” I have ended relationships during an apology. And yes, after six years of dating, I am still divorced, but I have never compromised my dignity. Well maybe I did the first few years, but not anymore!
“… I think so many women long for a loving connection …”
Though women may think the long for a loving connection but they are not willing allow themselves to connect with a man (unless you look like Brad Pitt or have money like Bill Gates). I know this may sound bitter but, as a man who has been rejected endless many times, I just have a very hard time believing that this is a true statement.