Comments on: An awkward situation http://www.datinggoddess.com/an-awkward-situation/ Dating over 40 advice by the Dating Goddess™ Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:27:12 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Mark http://www.datinggoddess.com/an-awkward-situation/comment-page-1/#comment-29026 Mark Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:54:20 +0000 http://www.datinggoddess.com/?p=3190#comment-29026 Mitsy, any woman who is willing to eat fast food once in awhile is more than reasonable. I'd rather fix her something at my place than take her out for fast food, but that's nice of you to have that attitude. There's no doubt that we are on our best behavior initially when we are getting to know someone. We want to impress. And I'm sure that the natural impulse when we feel secure in a relationship is to relax and worry less about impressing. You do need to continue to try, though. It's not so much about impressing the other person, but showing the person you care and you care about her having a nice time. I think it's one of the real challenges when it comes to sustaining a relationship is remembering to put in that effort. It's easy to let things slide. Mitsy, any woman who is willing to eat fast food once in awhile is more than reasonable. I’d rather fix her something at my place than take her out for fast food, but that’s nice of you to have that attitude.

There’s no doubt that we are on our best behavior initially when we are getting to know someone. We want to impress. And I’m sure that the natural impulse when we feel secure in a relationship is to relax and worry less about impressing. You do need to continue to try, though. It’s not so much about impressing the other person, but showing the person you care and you care about her having a nice time.

I think it’s one of the real challenges when it comes to sustaining a relationship is remembering to put in that effort. It’s easy to let things slide.

]]> By: Mitsy http://www.datinggoddess.com/an-awkward-situation/comment-page-1/#comment-28980 Mitsy Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:36:37 +0000 http://www.datinggoddess.com/?p=3190#comment-28980 Mark, your post brings up a lot of things that I've thought about many times in the past. In my past 3-4 dating relationships, it seems that the guy was good about taking me out in the beginning and then once he knew he "had me", he quit making much effort but more than once it seemed to be tied to financial issues. In other words, they wanted me to be around but disliked spending money on me or simply didn't have any extra. I remember telling the last 2 guys that I didn't need expensive dinners--that Wendy's or Hardee's worked at least part of the time. Their lack of effort was astounding at times. It was like they wanted a girlfriend but ONLY when it was convenient or when they decided to take me out which got to be seldom as time went on. My last guy was the alcoholic who always seemed to come up with $ for his booze though. I'm convinced that a lot of his financial problems were due to his addiction more than anything else. Incidentally, I saw him Sat. night at the store where I moonlight. He smelled like beer & was still in that angry mode--he made mention about me not taking his phone calls. I told him it was too painful to talk to him. He hasn't changed and this encounter confirms that he's no closer to sobriety than he was a year or 2 ago. Sad...when people let an addiction ruin their lives. But, on the money issue, it doesn't have to break the bank in order to date. I did want to go on some vacations with a guy, but it never got to that point, but if it had, I would have paid for my expenses and not expect the guy to pick up the tab on everything. Mark, your post brings up a lot of things that I’ve thought about many times in the past. In my past 3-4 dating relationships, it seems that the guy was good about taking me out in the beginning and then once he knew he “had me”, he quit making much effort but more than once it seemed to be tied to financial issues. In other words, they wanted me to be around but disliked spending money on me or simply didn’t have any extra. I remember telling the last 2 guys that I didn’t need expensive dinners–that Wendy’s or Hardee’s worked at least part of the time. Their lack of effort was astounding at times. It was like they wanted a girlfriend but ONLY when it was convenient or when they decided to take me out which got to be seldom as time went on. My last guy was the alcoholic who always seemed to come up with $ for his booze though. I’m convinced that a lot of his financial problems were due to his addiction more than anything else.
Incidentally, I saw him Sat. night at the store where I moonlight. He smelled like beer & was still in that angry mode–he made mention about me not taking his phone calls. I told him it was too painful to talk to him. He hasn’t changed and this encounter confirms that he’s no closer to sobriety than he was a year or 2 ago. Sad…when people let an addiction ruin their lives.

But, on the money issue, it doesn’t have to break the bank in order to date. I did want to go on some vacations with a guy, but it never got to that point, but if it had, I would have paid for my expenses and not expect the guy to pick up the tab on everything.

]]> By: Mark http://www.datinggoddess.com/an-awkward-situation/comment-page-1/#comment-28878 Mark Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:17:21 +0000 http://www.datinggoddess.com/?p=3190#comment-28878 The whole "who's paying for what" thing really comes down to what you're looking for in a relationship. If what you want is companionship, if you find a good person who fits you try to make it work even if you have to work around money issues. Maybe you can't work around the money issues, but why would anyone who is looking for companionship above everything else want to ditch a man or woman who didn't have a lot of material wealth? OTOH, maybe you're looking for going out on the town. Maybe that is why you want to date. Broadway plays, nicer restaurants, enjoying a nice bottle of wine, etc. -- if these are what you're looking for, then maybe you need the guy who has the money to afford to pay for these kinds of dates. And I understand that many want both, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you may spin your wheels for a long time trying to find that perfect match. I'd hate to pass on someone just because she wasn't my ideal. The whole “who’s paying for what” thing really comes down to what you’re looking for in a relationship. If what you want is companionship, if you find a good person who fits you try to make it work even if you have to work around money issues. Maybe you can’t work around the money issues, but why would anyone who is looking for companionship above everything else want to ditch a man or woman who didn’t have a lot of material wealth?

OTOH, maybe you’re looking for going out on the town. Maybe that is why you want to date. Broadway plays, nicer restaurants, enjoying a nice bottle of wine, etc. — if these are what you’re looking for, then maybe you need the guy who has the money to afford to pay for these kinds of dates.

And I understand that many want both, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but you may spin your wheels for a long time trying to find that perfect match. I’d hate to pass on someone just because she wasn’t my ideal.

]]> By: Samantha http://www.datinggoddess.com/an-awkward-situation/comment-page-1/#comment-28814 Samantha Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:38:12 +0000 http://www.datinggoddess.com/?p=3190#comment-28814 I read DG's post to my boyfriend, and asked what he thought. He said, "she should have said, OK but I need you to pay me back." Guys really can take a straight forward request such as this. My BF also volunteered the comment that he wouldn't do that (call to ask the gal to get the tickets). He also said he's old school and thinks that he should be paying for everything. I like that, but I dont take advantage of him. I read DG’s post to my boyfriend, and asked what he thought. He said, “she should have said, OK but I need you to pay me back.” Guys really can take a straight forward request such as this. My BF also volunteered the comment that he wouldn’t do that (call to ask the gal to get the tickets).

He also said he’s old school and thinks that he should be paying for everything. I like that, but I dont take advantage of him.

]]> By: Mark http://www.datinggoddess.com/an-awkward-situation/comment-page-1/#comment-28490 Mark Sun, 01 Nov 2009 18:03:44 +0000 http://www.datinggoddess.com/?p=3190#comment-28490 "Were she uncomfortable doing this, I would recommend she ask him out to dinner and leave her wallet at home. When it comes time to pay…”Oops! can you grab this one?” I think that's a bad idea. It's being manipulative. The situation DG described really needs to be discussed by the two people involved. It made DG uncomfortable and you simply have to let the other person know about your discomfort. “Were she uncomfortable doing this, I would recommend she ask him out to dinner and leave her wallet at home. When it comes time to pay…”Oops! can you grab this one?”

I think that’s a bad idea. It’s being manipulative. The situation DG described really needs to be discussed by the two people involved. It made DG uncomfortable and you simply have to let the other person know about your discomfort.

]]>