A visceral response

by Dating Goddess on June 20, 2012

I logged onto a favorite dating site and eagerly opened the daily matches that are based upon mutual criteria. Only rarely is there someone who seems a match, but I look nonetheless.

On this site, one has no control over which profiles are served — the match’s whole profile just shows up in one’s daily matches. There is no preview with location, age and pics as with other sites. Because you are taken to their profile immediately upon hitting “take me to my next match” it shows up in the matchee’s system as a “view.”

So imagine not only my surprise, but my stomach knot when I was taken to my last beau’s profile. I’d been so enamored with this man that I ignored his abuse and selfishness. I convinced myself I had fallen for him and made excuses for his manipulative ways. He said I was perfect for him until he texted his breakup message after nearly 6 months.

I didn’t know he was on this site as we’d met through another. I quickly scanned the page to see if I could block him, but I could not. I knew I was going to show up in his “who’s viewed you” screen. There was nothing I could do. I said “no” to the “Is he a match” question and quickly signed off.

The next few days I was reticent to log on, concerned that he might contact me once he saw I’d viewed him. He did click on my profile, but luckily did not make contact. I know abusers don’t see there is anything wrong with their behavior so have no compunction about contacting past victims. I wouldn’t have answered, but since he knows where I live, I was concerned he’d become curious and come over.

Rarely do I have a gut reaction to a past date. It made me thankful he was out of my life. I have empathy for those who’ve endured much worse abuse than I did.

Have you come across someone who’s treated you badly? Tell us what happened? How did you recompose yourself so you didn’t let their contact ruin your day or week?


Dating Over 40: Moving On GracefullyIn Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache I share what I learned from the breakup with the aforementioned man, as well as others.


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