A visceral response

by Dating Goddess on June 20, 2012

I logged onto a favorite dating site and eagerly opened the daily matches that are based upon mutual criteria. Only rarely is there someone who seems a match, but I look nonetheless.

On this site, one has no control over which profiles are served — the match’s whole profile just shows up in one’s daily matches. There is no preview with location, age and pics as with other sites. Because you are taken to their profile immediately upon hitting “take me to my next match” it shows up in the matchee’s system as a “view.”

So imagine not only my surprise, but my stomach knot when I was taken to my last beau’s profile. I’d been so enamored with this man that I ignored his abuse and selfishness. I convinced myself I had fallen for him and made excuses for his manipulative ways. He said I was perfect for him until he texted his breakup message after nearly 6 months.

I didn’t know he was on this site as we’d met through another. I quickly scanned the page to see if I could block him, but I could not. I knew I was going to show up in his “who’s viewed you” screen. There was nothing I could do. I said “no” to the “Is he a match” question and quickly signed off.

The next few days I was reticent to log on, concerned that he might contact me once he saw I’d viewed him. He did click on my profile, but luckily did not make contact. I know abusers don’t see there is anything wrong with their behavior so have no compunction about contacting past victims. I wouldn’t have answered, but since he knows where I live, I was concerned he’d become curious and come over.

Rarely do I have a gut reaction to a past date. It made me thankful he was out of my life. I have empathy for those who’ve endured much worse abuse than I did.

Have you come across someone who’s treated you badly? Tell us what happened? How did you recompose yourself so you didn’t let their contact ruin your day or week?

_____________________

Dating Over 40: Moving On GracefullyIn Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache I share what I learned from the breakup with the aforementioned man, as well as others.

 

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Brenda June 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Hi DG:
I had the same thing happen to me about 3 years ago. I dated a man who said and did everything he could to tell me I was “the one” for him. I fell for him in a very big way. He, too, texted me farewell – he took the coward’s way out to tell me that he did not want a “serious” relationship. All this from a man who smothered me with gifts, calls, emails, etc – I never initiated a thing with him – never emailed or called him first, etc.

Well, I decided that I don’t respond to text breakups from cowards so I just never responded to his text. Meanwhile, I took a few months away from online dating (we had hid our profiles when we had started to date each other exclusively based on his request), and when I logged back onto the dating website and re-activated my profile, there he was as my first match. Oh my gosh! I immediately logged off and thought about what I should do. I felt sick to my stomach, especially when I could tell from his being online that he had essentially gotten right back on the dating site after telling me he was going to go to therapy to work on himself, and that he was not going to date at all……..right!

It wasn’t until I saw him on the website that I realized what kind of man he was and that bit of logic is what got me through being on the website. I continued to be on the site daily, updated my profile etc, and of course, noticed that he looked at my profile from time to time.

The best part of this whole story happened when he called me one year to the day that he had broken up with me to ask if I had ever received his text (yes and I don’t respond to cowards who text), and then half-heartedly apologized and then tried to come back into my life. I listened to the apology, and wished him well, and let him know that I don’t date cowards, even if they happen to be a Delta pilot!

DG, I wasn’t dating any other man when he came back into my life and there was a part of me that wanted to give him one more chance. However, the shabby way that he broke up with me said so much about him, and what a poor relationship risk he was. I had worked on my self-esteem in the year he had been gone just as I know you have, and his presence on the website bothered me a bit for maybe a week, but I just kept telling myself that I deserve so much better than that.

and a much better man found me on another website about 1 year ago :)

I am wishing the same for you too!

Grace Pamer June 21, 2012 at 4:05 am

I’m so sorry to hear that Dating Goddess. That seems stupid to not be able to block people and/or cover your tracks. Which site is it?

My sister was in an abusive relationship. Luckily she got out before it got too serious but still took her years to rebuild her confidence. Some people are born bullies and die bullies. Some are manipulative and sly and you only know it once you really get to know them.

Like my sis I hope you never have to encounter your ex again.

Best wishes
Grace

Dating Goddess June 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Thanks Brenda and Grace!

Brenda, in the posting at http://www.datinggoddess.com/you-learn-a-lot-about-a-man-by-how-he-breaks-up/ I talk about how I wish a man would break up early because you learn a lot about him!

Al July 9, 2012 at 3:53 am

I know the site you’re talking about, and this is definitely a downside of the system they have in place. You should be able to look at the member and immediately click blocked without them knowing you’ve seen their profile at all.

It sounds like it could have been an awkward situation but luckily he seems to have stayed away. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship (I guess it’s something that’s more common with women, although male domestic abuse isn’t unheard of) but I’m sorry to hear your story. I hope you never meet the guy again! (online or offline!)

All the best,
Alex

Megan Jones August 2, 2012 at 9:22 am

I can’t imagine how I would feel if I got matched up with my ex, who seemed mostly normal during our relationship, but upon my breaking up with him he began to stalk me. I couldn’t shake him from my life for almost a year after I broke up with him. We lived in the same pretty small town and I was always afraid of running into him at the coffee shop with both went to or the grocery store. I hate how much control someone can have over how we feel, even after they have been cut out of your life!

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