99 men on the wall

by Dating Goddess on September 2, 2009

Maybe the little ditty “99 men on the wall” will replace the old song we sang loudly on long bus/car drives, but only women will be singing it.

Today I have a meet/date with man number 99. It’s taken nearly 5 years to go out with 99 men and I have slowed down a lot in the last 2 years. No longer do I feel like the kid in Baskin-Robbins wanting to taste all the flavors. I have now narrowed down the flavors that interest me and can often tell beforehand if a man has qualities that appeal to me or not. Most often not.

I continue to be open to new encounters, but am more discerning if a man telegraphs “We don’t have the same values” even before meeting. I can often tell that by the content of his emails and phone conversation, by what he chooses to talk about, the questions he asks me (or doesn’t), how much he shares the conversation.

If you were looking for a dream job or fabulous house, you might investigate 100 before finding the one that meets most of your needs. Dating nearly 100 men isn’t the goal — finding a great match is.

When I share my dating numbers with interested friends, most gasp, “I haven’t dated 99 people in my whole life.” It seems few have, unless they were very active in their high school and/or college years. Most people have dated from zero to several dozen people. Then they met their mate or withdrew to either no or infrequent dating. I am an anomaly.

People say, “I wouldn’t have the patience for that,” or “I don’t have the time,” or “I’d just give up.” Yes, there are considerations for staying active in the dating pool. There can be times of furious activity (like when I had seven dates with six guys in five days) and long stretches of treading water. There are the days of hopefulness when you’ve met someone with whom you think you’re a match, then disappointment when he stops calling with no explanation or you decide he isn’t who you thought him to be.

One weighs the options for staying in the emotional whirlpool. You can just drift down the dating river, hoping to bump into your soul mate. You can swim upstream in the rapids, trying to attain someone who isn’t interested, getting frustrated and bitter along the way. Or you can tread water until you connect with a possible match, then both swim in the dating pool together, playing and interacting to see if you like each other.

Giving up is an option, of course, but I have learned much about what I want (and don’t want), as well as about men in general, I do not see that as the best option. And I’ve gained several dozen men-pal treasures for whom I’m continually grateful.

So going out with 99 men may sound daunting. But it’s better than the option — to be lonely and bitter. I’m staying in the pool until I find my guy — or he finds me.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Samantha September 3, 2009 at 10:12 am

I know of someone who had to meet 100 guys before she met the one she married.

Liz September 3, 2009 at 10:15 am

Good for you, DG! You are not one to sit on the sidelines waiting for life to pass you by. You will meet that special man, I have no doubt about it. In the meantime you are having fun and meeting different people. Isn’t that what dating is all about?

Dating Goddess September 3, 2009 at 10:19 am

Yes, Liz — exactly!

Ann Marie September 4, 2009 at 9:28 am

My accident, I am now up to 32 first dates over the last six weeks. While some friends think that this must be a whirlwind of fascinating evenings, I agree with DG that I am learning about myself and what is ‘my flavor’ preferences in the ice cream store.
There has been one that went to a second, then third date. Maybe he is on to something….

Anna September 4, 2009 at 10:59 am

Well done DG, congratulations on making it to the 99th, and you are right to keep up the search. Onwards and upwards……..

Lilybeth September 4, 2009 at 11:12 am

Let me see I was actively dating since I became widowed. The first one I involved myself was on the first year and a half of being single again. It was good but not good enough to keep. Then from there on I probably dated 15 more guys and finally, well, at least for now, I did ended up dating exclusively to a special guy whom we share a lot of similar likes and dislikes and communicate openly. At my age I hope, he is the one, lol. Goodluck to me.
Keep dating girls and have fun.

Mitsy September 6, 2009 at 9:43 pm

I would have totally lost it mentally and otherwise if I had gone out with that many men and NONE were a match. I have had problems dealing with the half-dozen or so I dated in between my long-term relationship that ended 10 years ago and my now non-existent dating life.

I guess dating goddess must bounce back better than most for I could not possibly go out that many times and have the disappointments and hurts when none of them worked out.

Today is my birthday. I’m still 40-something at least. My ex-boyfriend called me this morning (not sure if he remembered my b-day or not). I don’t have caller ID and was totally caught off guard. He never ever called at 10 a.m. on a Sun. morning but I thought it was my Mom or sister. This is the same guy who turned out to be a verbally abusive alcoholic. Being completely surprised to hear from him after several months of no contact, he asked me how I was and I replied “I’m fine, but I REALLY do not need to be talking to you”. He said OK and I hung up. I was really proud for not humoring him with more conversation or setting myself up for him to hang up on me because he’d done that so many times before (always when he was drunk & angry). I told my Al-Anon group about the phone call and all of them agree that I handled it properly. I hope he does not call me again.

It brought up bad memories of last year when he did very damn little for my birthday. I remember thinking he would take me out to eat. I work 2 jobs and kind of hinted around about what we’d do on Sun. night when I was off from both jobs. He acted clueless and then the day of my birthday he gave me a “card” and NOTHING else. Keep in mind we were starting to see each other again at that point after another period of time when we were apart. I remember finally telling him a few days later how hurt I was that he did not step up to the plate for my day. He said that he knew I was hinting around about going out and I told him that I should not have to hint around…that he should be the man and say we’re going out to dinner. I told him I could not afford to take a day off from work and maybe hope he’d take me out not knowing if he’d do it or not. Some of his thought process was screwed up due to his boozing addiction but I think much of the birthday fiasco last year was his own ignorance. I’m glad I’m not dealing with him anymore.

I would not gamble 99 times myself but that is just me. As a wise woman once said “there are a lot worse things in life than being lonely”. I have had to learn that the hard way.

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