Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40

“Recovery time” is however long it takes one to return to normal after an event. Whether it’s the time it takes an athlete’s body to return to normal heart rate or hydration after a grueling event, or someone’s return to health after a setback. Or how long it takes for someone to recover after a relationship’s ending.

When I was first divorced I was told it would take 25% of the time I was married to recover and be ready for a serious relationship. I was married for nearly 20 years, so that meant it would take 5 years! I was incredulous. I didn’t want to wait five years to find my next LTR. But here it is at the five year mark and I feel I’m truly ready. I had too much healing and growing to do.

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Midlife daters generally have more experience in relationships, and thus negotiating solutions to different relationship desires. However, if you have been unpartnered for a number of years, you are probably used to getting what you want because you haven’t had to take an adult partner’s desires into account.

So let’s say you (or your guy) want something. The other wants something different. Ideally, you find a compromise — without resenting the other. But that is not always possible.

For example:

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A DG reader writes:

This has happened a few times so am wondering if it is just me, or is common with midlife guys — or just midlife guys on online dating sites. We begin a fun banter via email or IM. I don’t get dirty with them, just playful. Some time passes — anywhere from an hour to a few weeks. We haven’t met. Their IMs go from playful and flirty to dirty, telling me what they want to do to me, or what they imagine us doing naked, etc., often graphically.

I say I don’t want to go there. They persist. I sign off. They apologize. Then they start again.

If I don’t care about the guy, I block his IMs. But if I liked him before he went porno on me, I think I ought to give him a second chance. Should I just put my foot down and say I’m uncomfortable going there? Or should I play along, knowing I’ll never meet some of them anyway? If I play along and then we agree to meet, I’m afraid he’ll jump me as soon as we say hello.

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My guy pals have told me that men are emotional cowards. They’d rather walk barefoot over broken glass than do something that would make a woman cry. Thus their preference for going poof rather than tell you they have changed their mind.

A year ago I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal for a story about how younger people learn their sweetie has broken up with them by their partner changing their Facebook relationship status to “single,” or by a text message. I thought that was immature. Midlife people didn’t do this kind of cowardly thing, did they?

Today I learned that King Charming has broken up with me. Did he tell me? No. In fact, in an hour-long IM two days ago he said, “I did not contact you nor meet you with the intention of our sharing a short-lived transient relationship. I am one who likes things to last for a very long time…. Candid with you I will always try to be….”

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There are good dates, ambivalent dates, bad dates, and sometimes dates that are none of the above, just clearly not encounters with someone who is in any way a match. They can be painful when you, for manners sake, must stay longer than you would prefer.

A while ago, after a few email and phone conversations with a man who made me laugh, I accepted his lunch invitation, even though I generally start with only coffee. I rued not sticking with this rule!

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